OH lost it. Am I overreacting?

[JaneyJimplin]

We had a minor misunderstanding this morning. He assumed I was pissed off, but I wasn't, and I assured him of that.

I went out to do some errands. I ended up having a really terrible morning with various things going wrong, and receiving some bad news about a dear friend. So, an emotional morning.

I came home and he starts on me again about this minor disagreement. I simply said "Ive actually had a really awful morning, I've already said I'm not bothered about this morning. I really don't want an argument now, I already feel upset."

And he just blew up. He shouts "I'm trying to talk to you, you've had your say. Listen to me or I swear I'll punch something."

So I held my hands up and calmly repeated I don't want an argument, can he leave me alone. I start walking away and he's going mental at me shouting not to walk away from him. I did walk away, because he was terrifying me. I shut the door and he's shouting "don't you fucking walk away and shut the door when I'm talking."

And then he starts smashing the house up. Threw the shopping I'd bought across the room, kicked the chairs and table over, threw the kitchen stools at wall etc just in a blind rage.

Honestly I was so terrified. He's never been like that, it was so scary. So I ran up the stairs and shut myself in the bathroom and he came up shouting and pushed his way in. I screamed at him to leave me alone and said he was scaring me. The whole time he was just bellowing at me, screaming just random horrible things. I shut him out again and again he pushed his way in, and I screamed at him to get out and screamed that he was being like my dad. And then he stormed off, still shouting random shit about me.

My whole body was shaking, I genuinely feared that he was going to physically attack me because I've never seen him like that it was so out of character. He's obviously a lot bigger and stronger than me. It took me a while to calm down, I think i was in shock. Actually think I still am.

I went down stairs and he's cleaning up the mess he's made.

I told him hed really scared me and id thought he was going to attack me.

He was apologetic that he'd lost his temper, although still trying to argue his point about the morning disagreement. He said of course hed never hit me, but he was a total stranger when he lost it - I think if I'd argued back or wound him up instead of retreating, I could see him lashing out at me. Maybe not, I don't know. It was like he was possessed.

Basically I just don't know how to feel now. I feel really disappointed in him and I don't want to look at him. 20 years I've know him, he's hot headed but he's never scared me before. It was such a horrible feeling.

The thing is, I grew up in a abusive household. So things like shouting and throwing around furniture really, really trigger me. So maybe I'm overreacting? Maybe I overreacted because it felt scarier to me becayse of my childhood?

Right now he's acting all maudlin, and limping because he hurt his foot kicking the furniture. Am I meant to be sympathetic? I don't feel like he's that sorry. He just said he was annoyed because he thought I was wound up about the morning disagreement (even though I think we've established by now that I wasn't!) And also he said he was getting increasingly angry as the morning went on because he was doing a diy project that went wrong. And then he just flipped. He also pointed out that he's upset too, I upset him. And I said, ok but you scared me. You made me feel unsafe but I don't think he fully understands what's it's like to be the woman in these situations. I said "what if the kids had been here and seen that?" But he didn't have an answr.

I just needed to tell someone, can't say this in real life or they'd never look at him the same way.

See also: oversensitive.....hysterical....crazy....

All words describing women at the absolute EDGE of endurance

So, how can we help you escape?

Of course you did not over react. Tbh I'd of packed my bag and gone to a hotel and knocked my phone off. Gone with the kids if you have them. Under no circumstances is that acceptable. It's bad enough he smashed stuff up but the way he came after you is absolutely appalling. My brothers used to get wound up and often see them kicking car bits about outside because the car wasn't working etc but never would they carry on like that if anyone was nearby, it's simply unacceptable. Yes lose your temper and shout and scream at nothing in particular but when someone is afraid and running away then stay away from them don't chase them it's frankly fucking creepy and terrifying!! I've not read all the replies but did see he hurt his foot. He probably blames you for that, silly man wants to get a grip and give himself a talking to!! If I were you I'd be making it abundantly clear that if anything similar happens again you'll be out of there no questions asked, he needs to control himself enough to get away from you and your belongings if he's in a rage. Good luck.

He's always been hot headed, and he never likes to feel like he's lost an argument. I can think of a couple of times in our early relationship when someone pissed him off a work so he punched the filing cabinet or punched the wall in anger, splitting his knuckles. But he was young and impulsive then. But I will say, he sort of revelled in it. Like I remember him telling me as if I should be like "oooh, you're so strong and manly" when in reality I was like "that's not good enough, you should control your anger."
And there's been times where we've had an argument and he sped off in his car, revving really loudly, left skid marks etc. Again, like he wanted people to marvel at how angry he was. But nothing like this, and nothing for years. Ive never feared he'd hurt me.

No steroids. No medication. We are both under pressure/stress at the moment due to health issues with one of our children. On the surface, he seems to be dealing with it better than me. Ive said all I want to do is cry and have someone acknowledge how unfair it is, whereas he seems to be more "what will be will be" about it, but May be he's not coping after all.

What is screaming out at me is that he is not horrified and apologetic that he actually made his wife feel unsafe in her own home, but he is also telling her that she upset him too!
OP, this is not a normal reaction from a loving partner - please try to look at the bigger picture and take some time out in a place of safety.
Hope you are ok.

I see people saying give him the benefit of the doubt if it’s the only time etc. But you say yourself he has always been “hot headed”.

In my experience women excuse/minimise abusive behaviour for a long time before they actually acknowledge how bad it is.

When you said “what if the kids had been here” he couldn’t answer. That concerns me. Someone who had genuinely acted out of character would have been devastated when you said that and none of his actions since the event have convinced me it won’t happen again.

The power dynamic has changed. You are now scared of him. I personally don’t think there’s any coming back from that.

God he’s a prick. He sounds like someone who will very easily escalate this...

Hotheaded is a word often used to excuse abusive behaviour. Has his temper been getting worse over time?

I think you need to call Women's Aid, your local police station (they should have someone you can talk to about domestic violence) and tell your friends. Not your mum, in case she says anything to your husband, but you need to let people rally round and support you. And for the love of all that's holy, if he kicks off again, call 999.

Safety is a bare minimum and I'm afraid that you may be in danger if you stay in this relationship.

If this is genuinely the first and only time he's behaved like that in 20 years, and he's usually a decent and loving man, then I would be more interested in finding out what the hell is going on with him than in packing a bag.

He said he was angry because you'd had your say and now he wanted you to listen to him... why didn't you listen to him at that point? I know you were upset from your morning, but is there a reason why you wouldn't listen to him when he clearly needed to say something? Is it because he was being aggressive at that point, or is that a pattern in your arguments?

Sethos. I was loading the Washing machine when he said I was annoyed at him, I assured him I wasn't. Then he raised his voice and said well clearly you are because you didn't even look at me when you said that, and then mimicked what I'd said but in an angry shrill stereotypical nagging woman voice. So I rolled my eyes and said I didn't look at him, because I was loading the Washing machine when he starting talking to me, and I hadn't said it how he'd heard it. So then when he said " well you clearly are annoyed" again, that's when I said calmly (although I was starting to cry at this point, which does annoy him, but I couldn't help it) I've had a bad morning, I'm fine with what happened earlier, please don't argue

*If this is genuinely the first and only time he's behaved like that in 20 years, and he's usually a decent and loving man, then I would be more interested in finding out what the hell is going on with him than in packing a bag.

He said he was angry because you'd had your say and now he wanted you to listen to him... why didn't you listen to him at that point? I know you were upset from your morning, but is there a reason why you wouldn't listen to him when he clearly needed to say something? Is it because he was being aggressive at that point, or is that a pattern in your arguments?*

Wow. There is genuinely no mental contortion too complicated for some people to perform in order to justify violence by men towards women. There is never an excuse for smashing up a house and terrifying someone who you are supposed to love. Never.

You are married to an abusive man. He has been like this for years. Now it is ramping up. You are in denial.

You say that you crying annoys him, like it is you at fault. Do you realise how insane that is? You must have been well trained to always put his feelings first, always manage his mood.

@JaneyJimplin he sounds like he was being an absolute dick well before he completely lost his temper, then. Does he often behave like that?

DontDribble I'm not trying to justify violence, I was trying to clarify whether he sounds like a man who snapped and lost it because there's a pattern of one person saying their piece and then stonewalling the other when they want to say how they feel, or whether he sounds like a man who is escalating his already unacceptable and bullying behaviour.

Sweetheart you should never ever be afraid in your own home.

It's your safe place, your sanctuary.

He took that away from you today. Because his voice had to be heard.

How can you stay married to him after that?

Sethos, it matters not one jot why he behaved this way. There is no excuse or justification and I don't for one second believe that he did anything other than make a choice.
This is now a huge safety risk and nobody should have to live with a person who could behave like this. I very much doubt that this is the end of it, either, although like you I'm sure he will be able to explain to OP why she "made him" be a violent arsehole.

Jesus no you’re not over reacting and fgs do not feel sorry for him, I can’t believe he’s downstairs watching telly he should be out on his arse!

You need to show him he can’t get away with abusing you and do not keep his secret you surely have a good friend to confide in tell her and tell him you’re not protecting him he’s a fucken nasty piece of work

Not sure I can offer you any advice OP, just wanted to offer a handhold because I think I can sympathise and have a knot in my tummy reading your posts .. Its not always as easy as simply leaving. I understand what it's like to have grown up in a horrible, scary home terrified of hearing the next house smashing or mummy beating... To be utterly triggered by tempers and aggression but also to love your husband and to have a long term poorly child putting so much stress on the family. OP you have my utter sympathy 💐

What is screaming out at me is that he is not horrified and apologetic that he actually made his wife feel unsafe in her own home, but he is also telling her that she upset him too!

This. Also I think you are very shocked OP but on some level you are not surprised. If my dh did what yours did 20 years into the relationship, I would phone the doctor, knowing he must have a brain tumour or some sudden onset medical issue because it is so out of character. You grew up with an abuser for a father. You may unconsciously have picked a man with similar traits just better controlled or more deeply buried. But this behaviour is him. And he has escalated. Next time what will he do?

I think this may be your last chance to draw a very firm line in the sand that this behaviour isn't going to happen, no matter what. Personally I would leave and go to a friends or my mother's. Also tell someone. Seriously. Pick the most supportive friend you have and tell her. Or tell a sibling. because bad things thrive in secrecy.

And Op, from your latest update, he deliberately picked a fight both in the morning and the afternoon. Deliberately - it fed some need in him to feel aggressive and feel justified in acting on that aggression.

If you'd not been so upset and having a bad morning, would you have (unconsciously) acted to placate him? Is it possible that your usual response is to calm things down, without even thinking about it? This would be learned behaviour from your childhood anyway.

But today, with things being so upsetting already, you maybe reacted more honestly, as in not taking notice of his growing tantrum. Then off he went, on the warpath.

It might not be so black and white, and none of it is your fault, but it could be you've been placating him for years without even registering you're doing it.

I hope he is eaten by wolves before he comes upstairs to bed, OP. I know he won't be, but I hope he is.

Holy fuck op. You should have called the police. You should still call the police so you know what to do next time as there will be a next time. If it were me I’d ask the police or if they wouldn’t come a large friend to be there while I asked him to leave for a few days. If the police wouldn’t come and i were too scared/ embarrassed to ask a friend I’d leave for a few days. I wouldn’t come back unless he signed up for counselling. My goal would be that he understand our relationship is over if this ever ever happens again.
Even so, the reality is that you are scared of him now. And he thinks you should feel bad about his foot.

He didn't hit you this time. What about next time, and there will be a next time. He was violent, controlling and cared not one shit for you emotionally during his rage, and seems since,. I'm sorry, you need to end this relationship for you and your kids.

Your experience took me back to my childhood with mother. I really empathise and sympathise.

because bad things thrive in secrecy

God yes, abusers thrive on it. OP, you've been conditioned through your childhood to subconsciously choose a man like this, it's a common trait of toxic, dysfunctional families. Your husband has clearly lost his temper before, and will again, to the detriment of you, and your children's, emotional and potentially physical detriment. You'll know through your own experiences the emotional scars, and pain, are persistent. I have cPTSD from mine, this isn't something you'd want for your children, but I assure you, your monster husband cares more about controlling abuse than he does you, or your children.

From another thread, read this @JaneyJimplin - do you recognise your hubby?

blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2018/08/narcissist-arguing/?li_source=LI

Op what you have written is horrific. A man who has no compassion for a woman he lives with and loves is dangerous.

A man who is watching TV instead of ringing up the GP booking himself an urgent appointment for an out of control, unprovoked, vicious attack, is dangerous.

A man who seeks compassion from his victim for self inflicted wounds is dangerous.

A man who chooses to ignore the devastation and fear he caused is dangerous.

A man who has chosen to remain in the home and ignore rather than pack a bag and leave to reflect the gravity of the situation is dangerous.

You know that this is not a one off. You have admitted he is angry when you cry. That in itself is seriously warped.

Ok so you know that if you brush this off he will interpret it as ok behaviour.

I am sorry op but the 2 women who get murdered every week didn't see it coming either and chose to minimise what was dangerous warning signs leading up to their fatality.

You are right to question what has happened to you. But the fact you don't even recognise how abusive he has already been is chilling.

Op you are in danger.

Women who are intimidated and frightened out of their wits in their own home are never going to find true peace and safety ever again.

Please be aware that the line has now been crossed as far as women who have never been in an abusive relationship is concerned.

Your line, along with abused women is now smudged and you will try and understand his actions rather than gather your stuff and leave or at least tell everyone, document everything, take photos of evidence and let everyone know including the police.

Please don't keep his secret. It's not your fault. Keeping his secret keeps his power over you.

Please find the strength not to accept this and to protect yourself.