Age appropriate way to explain ow and affair to dc

[Cantbebothered2019]

Basically I found out after leaving my ex that he had been cheating on me for half our marriage with his ex fiance who was also married at the time with 2 dc (very similar age to mine). This was almost 1 year ago I found out about it but ex and ow tried to cover it up. It was a combination of me and ex mil putting the 2 and 2 together that we worked out that although I had taken the initiative to leave he had already been in a relationship with ow for a number of years so wasn't really invested or concerned about the marriage ending.

Anyway at the time I was obviously in shock to put it mildly. I had left because he was narcissistic and controlling. But to find out that he had also been lying and cheating for the majority of the relationship was distressing. What made it more difficult was that my dcs were spending every other weekend with the 2 of them acting like a happy family glossing over the sordid origins of their relationship. Oh and ex was still angry that I had left and was trying to control me despite being separated which culminated in a domestic violence incident which eventually lead to me going no contact.

Anyway at the time my eldest dc (5 at the time) outright asked me why I didn't like them. I had never said anything to him but obviously something from my response or mannerisms must have indicated that to him. I gave what I thought was the simplest answer at the time which was that their dad and her had done something bad to me but it had nothing to do with him and he was loved by both parents so should just enjoy his time with either of us. My son kept repeatedly asking me what had they done to which I responded that I would tell him when he was a grown up.

I have regretted it since then because my son keeps periodically asking me when I will tell him what they did. He is 6. Anyway after asking me again recently about it I told him look it doesn't really matter anymore, it doesn't affect me and it's not important go and have fun and forget about it. However unknown to me ds went and asked ow about it who said to him she had done nothing wrong to me and in fact it was me who had gone on her Facebook whilst she had not gone on mine. I was livid when my son told me and said well she didn't need to look me up because she knew about me for the whole time I was married to your dad but I knew nothing about her. I only found out of her existence because my older ds told me about her. Their dad had declined to tell me he was taking them to stay over at her house. Anyway I'm sure he will go back and relay the news to which they will respond with some other lie or half truth. I was wondering whether I should just explain to my ds in an age appropriate way what happened so he stops worrying about it and going back and forth between us trying to find out the story.

I regret saying anything in the first place but I resent the way they have tried to make out I'm the one who did something wrong. I only went to Facebook initially as I had no clue who she was until my son mentioned her and we had only been separated for 4 or 5 months at the time they were spending nights at her house.

Please help as I don't want to make the situation worse but I don't want my son to ask the wrong people for answers as obviously they will only care about minimising damage to their image rather than being truthful.

OW sounds like a massive bitch. Can you tell him that his daddy had promised to love you but started loving OW in secret at the same time which made you sad because telling lies is wrong.

That sounds pretty good. Part of me doesn't want to start the topic I had hoped I could have explained it when they are older but ds is very curious and wants to understand what happened. I think he is conflicted because he enjoys his time there but he knows they did something to me which was wrong. I don't want to hide their lies for them or sugar coat it but at the same time I don't want my ds to be troubled by any of this. So is it better to keep my mouth shut or explain it so he can understand.

At that age I really wouldn't say anything at all. It's so not fair on the children.
I'd focus on growing up and making your relationship with them work for the sake of the kids and not being bitter over your breakup.

I'm not bitter over the break up I left. But I am angry at the abuse and disrespect I have received from ex and ow since then who rather than acknowledging what they did was wrong have tried to make it that I was in the wrong for looking at someone's facebook. Basically what I did wrong was find out they were having an affair.

I had a similar issue for a 6 year old. I explained that daddy had a girlfriend while he was married to mummy, but married people aren't supposed to have girlfriends. Best I could do at short notice but it seemed to explain it all enough for her.

When a friend's partner got caught cheating I explained to DS, who'd seen her crying and knew they'd had a big argument, that it was because he'd be kissing and cuddling other women even though he promised to save special cuddles for her.
He seemed to understand and accept that.
That said, he's now 9 and knows about sex, marriage etc so these days I'd just tell him straight if it came up. We don't live in the UK though, so I understand that some posters wouldn't be comfortable with that.

Jesus! Keep the child out of the marriage problems. This is completely inappropriate topics to include him in in any way. Don’t use him to get your ‘righteousness’ heard or to play out your resentment. Keep that for your friends. It’s totally unfair to put any of this on him. What do you want from your child? For them to turn around and hate daddy for what they did to you? That is so wrong and your job is to be their parent, not for them to take on your grown up problems.

Why do you hate DF and OW? I don’t hate anyone DS. Sometimes I’m just sad and angry about grown up things. But you don’t need to worry about anything because your daddy and I love you completely and will always look after you even if we’re not living together.

Why did you and daddy break up? Because we weren’t very happy people when we were together and we were brave and understood that and made changes so that we can all live happier lives. But we still both love you and will always be happy we met because we now have you.

When did daddy and OW get together? I don’t know for sure DS. But regardless we were unhappy together and your daddy and I were the ones who decided to live apart. You don’t need to worry about these things, they are between your daddy and I and we will always love you.

I must admit I’m pretty shocked at some of the things some posters above have told small children.

And you know it’s actually ok to tell kids some things are none of their business (kindly). I think it would be quite a relief for some to be let off the hook rather than filled with images of grown ups kissing girlfriends and cheating and mummy’s obvious anger and all those confusing and age inappropriate issues they REALLY don’t need to learn about until a lot older.

@Cantbebothered2019 your kids do not need to know that at that age.
You could be spending your time actually cultivating a positive relationship between adults for them instead.

Kids end up with all kinds of mental health problems from being put in the middle of this kind of thing.

Bess, saying you could not be happy living together IS an explanation. Hinting at, or explicating telling a small child that their daddy did something their mummy can never get past or tolerate so it’s his fault the family is broken is very damaging and way above the emotional pay grade of a child.

If your ex is filling your child’s head with lies that is a separate issue. And a terrible one. But you telling the truth to the detriment of your child is not the right reaction for them though it may be more satisfying for you.

First and foremost you must protect your child. And getting them involved in the dirty, horrible, complicated lives of two adults is not the way to protect them. Even if it is the facts.

Why on earth do you think you need to tell your young child the truth about the other woman?? All that is needed is your reassurance that you both still love your child and but that you do not make each other happy any more. Do not burden your child with this in order to make yourself feel better.

I kept telling him that it wasn't important. Enjoy yourself when your there and when your with mummy. That both his parents really love him etc. He is a happy child but he is also curious. He won't let it rest and periodically brings it up to ask me. Now I acknowledge I made a mistake initially in acknowledging that I didn't like them because they had done to me however to be honest I'm a human being and was handling some pretty shocking news in a situation I had never been in so said what I thought was right at the time. I want to close the issue once and for all so he doesn't go looking for answers in the wrong places.

Whatever you say, don’t say “Daddy fucked off with another woman because he doesn’t love us any more.” Like my Mum said to me

When ExDH1 left me for OW, I wasn’t surprised. Our relationship was shit and we’d talked several times about splitting up.

So OW was irrelevant to me because I’d wanted to leave for s while. I just told the DC and continue to tell them that we didn’t love each other any more, but it didn’t mean that we don’t love them and Daddy will always be around. And he is but he’s not a controlling violent prick like your ex.

As a child of separated parents please do not tell them. Seriously. Knowing about your parents problems is a huge burden for a child and they do not need to think of either parent as a baddie or as someone who has abandoned them, even it if it is true.

I understand why you think it would help them but I have been there and it does not.

I think it's really sad how many people think it's ok to drag children into adult issues that they really don't need to know anything about! As a step parent I've seen first hand how damaging it is to children when their parents project their anger and bitterness into the children. My DSC's mother has always told them what an awful person I am and made up all kinds of drama that isn't true, purely because her ex found someone new and she didn't like it. It's caused no end of issues for the children which really isn't fair or necessary. Keep the children out of it. Regardless of whether there was an affair or OW that isn't for the children to be concerned about and will be hugely damaging to their relationship with the potential new step parent who may well be in their life a long time.

I think you need to do something to reassure him about the fact you said they did something bad to you. God knows What his 6 year old imagination is coming up with.

OP maybe sit him down and say that when you said they did something bad to you you were angry and it wasn’t a fair comment. That the bad thing they did was hurt your feelings but that happens sometimes, especially between grown ups, and is not something to worry about. That mummy and daddy love him and that doesn’t change.

I’ve a very inquisitive 6 yr old too. I know how they can put you on the spot. So be prepared with your answers to the versions thibgs he might ask in future.

Of course if your child witnessed his father beating you up or similar a very different response is needed. That would need to be accounted for and not treated like it’s none of the child’s business when they’ve already unfortunately witnessed it.

The children need reassuring that it is not their fault and that Daddy and Mummy still love them.

Telling them about infidelity etc utterly baffles me. Why would you do that to a primary school child who has no concept of adult relationships. And also then might hate one parent without understanding that the other may have had faults too. It forces them to choose sides, which is just terrible.

FWIW my great friend left her 1st husband, an utter, utter arseholes by all accounts 27 years ago. She was advising me on my current divorce and gave the advice to never say anything bad. Her son's father of course has shown his colours to his son but she always refuses to give a negative opinion or tell him the truth. Even at 29!

She is also a primary head teacher, so has more experience of children in general than I do.

Honestly, your child’s mental wellbeing and having a positive relationship with and view of his father is the most important thing right now. when he’s an adult, if it seems appropriate you can tell him what happened. But at five all you need to say is ‘so you know I said I’d tell you when you got a bit older? Well, what happened is that mummy and daddy stopped loving each other like a couple and felt more like friends and both decided it was better to live apart. We’re both so glad for the time we had together as that’s how we ended up having you’.

That’s it. Seriously. Anything more and you’re putting adult problems and responsibilities onto a small child. You fucked up with the ‘it’s a secret and I’ll tell you someday’, now you can rectify that.