Age appropriate way to explain ow and affair to dc

[Cantbebothered2019]

Basically I found out after leaving my ex that he had been cheating on me for half our marriage with his ex fiance who was also married at the time with 2 dc (very similar age to mine). This was almost 1 year ago I found out about it but ex and ow tried to cover it up. It was a combination of me and ex mil putting the 2 and 2 together that we worked out that although I had taken the initiative to leave he had already been in a relationship with ow for a number of years so wasn't really invested or concerned about the marriage ending.

Anyway at the time I was obviously in shock to put it mildly. I had left because he was narcissistic and controlling. But to find out that he had also been lying and cheating for the majority of the relationship was distressing. What made it more difficult was that my dcs were spending every other weekend with the 2 of them acting like a happy family glossing over the sordid origins of their relationship. Oh and ex was still angry that I had left and was trying to control me despite being separated which culminated in a domestic violence incident which eventually lead to me going no contact.

Anyway at the time my eldest dc (5 at the time) outright asked me why I didn't like them. I had never said anything to him but obviously something from my response or mannerisms must have indicated that to him. I gave what I thought was the simplest answer at the time which was that their dad and her had done something bad to me but it had nothing to do with him and he was loved by both parents so should just enjoy his time with either of us. My son kept repeatedly asking me what had they done to which I responded that I would tell him when he was a grown up.

I have regretted it since then because my son keeps periodically asking me when I will tell him what they did. He is 6. Anyway after asking me again recently about it I told him look it doesn't really matter anymore, it doesn't affect me and it's not important go and have fun and forget about it. However unknown to me ds went and asked ow about it who said to him she had done nothing wrong to me and in fact it was me who had gone on her Facebook whilst she had not gone on mine. I was livid when my son told me and said well she didn't need to look me up because she knew about me for the whole time I was married to your dad but I knew nothing about her. I only found out of her existence because my older ds told me about her. Their dad had declined to tell me he was taking them to stay over at her house. Anyway I'm sure he will go back and relay the news to which they will respond with some other lie or half truth. I was wondering whether I should just explain to my ds in an age appropriate way what happened so he stops worrying about it and going back and forth between us trying to find out the story.

You just don't explore that, regardless of what he's said.
It's part of putting kids first.
Go for a coffee with your friends to chat about your ex, you don't tell your 5yo.
It's so messed up.

Mine were about that age. I and ex agreed we would tell them the basic truth that he wanted to be with ow and you weren't allowed to be married to two people. I couldn't delay it or say we were unhappy because he started publicly with her immediately so there was no 'gap' and because I wasn't going to lie. I have subsequently said nothing at all about all the shitty things he has said and done, the withdrawal of financial support or the stalking of me on here (waves to ex) obviously he is their dad and I wouldn't take that away from them but one day they will see for themselves what he is but I won't tell them. I won't need to. OP keep it as simple and unemotional as possible but give him something to understand.

Well the problem is I'm dealing with people who have no decency. I found out from my dc about the existence of this woman. Their dad refuses to tell me where they are staying when they visit him on the weekends because it's her address. He also has told the kids Im a liar when my 6 year old asked him what he had done to mummy. I didn't do anything to him. So my decency or good naturedness is not reciprocated. The ex hit me in front of the kids after we separated in front of my door and they speak about the time I got mad at their dad. I just feel with a narcissist it's about self preservation. This incident just shows me how deluded or willing they are to lie to try to shift the responsibility for what they did on to me.

You need to dial this right back OP. Tell him what Vietnamese said and if he asks about you being angry with ex, just say you were sad.

Cant, that is a horrible situation for you but what’s best for the children doesn’t change no matter how bad one party behaves. But I can only imagine the rage I’d feel.

Whether they are narcissists or have any decency actually has nothing to do with it.
You aren't painting yourself any better wanting to explore things with a 5yo child.

You need to get over the relationship and focus solely on your children. You should not be discussing adult relationships with your 5yo child.

Coming from somebody who's experienced significant domestic violence with a narcissist, I'm happy to say I've never thought of doing this with my child because I love him more and I'm an adult. I'm not going to involve my children in discussions about what happened between mum and dad. The anxiety this child is already experiencing in this situation is bad enough and you want to explore this further. I'm sorry but I think that's emotionally just so cruel.

You need to grow up, let your ex live his life however he chooses to without worrying yourself about it, and talk adult emotions with your girlfriend, not your 5 year old.

I understand you spoke hastily in saying they did something bad to you and you say you now regret it, but your ds is obsessed with knowing exactly what happened. I think it's a mistake to explain the situation further though. You need to just say you did have a disagreement with her when you first met her but now you get along fine. She did not explain much when he asked her just said something about FB so I don't think she will say much more. However it is not possible for you to control what she says about you. If she says something untrue just say you are sorry she has got the wrong idea but you don't hold it against her as mistakes can happen.

The important thing is to keep things normal and nice for your dc. If your ex and ow are treating them ok then just try to make things nice for them and not involve them in any adult arguments. Let them think that all that is over and done with and everyone is happy now. Ex and ow happy in one home and you happy in your home. So this means dc have two happy, loving homes.

Be the (much) better person.
Take the worry away from your DC and stop involving them in adult drama.

Children don't need this level of detail. I had to deal with my mother discussing this kind of thing (not infidelity, but how unhappy she was with dad) and it was excruciating and unsettling. And I was 13, so in fairness had some understanding of relationships - but your DC is far younger.

I am 53 and still resent the fact that my mother badmouthed my father to me every chance she had.
Yes, my dad left her for another woman. Another woman to whom he has now been happily married for over 40 years, as your ex may be with his new partner.
You badmouth them to the moon and back with your friends. You keep your trap shut with your son.
You encourage a positive relationship for your son with his father and his father's partner. As others have said, it is way inappropriate to be telling 6 year olds their dad is a tosser who ran off to fuck his ex, however "age appropriate" you put it.
You should perhaps try thinking of her as simply his partner as well, as she's not the other woman any more is she?
Were you the OW at the beginning? Leopards and spots etc.

I think this is being magnified by the fact you are still very angry with them and hurt. And this doesn't bode well.

I really would just say to your son you had a silly argument about something you can't remember and no one did anything bad to you. It's really too much to keep telling him you'll tell him when he's older. Of course he will ask.

So it's time to pull it back now. He's only six.

No I wasn't the other woman. I met him after she had already got married to the father of her children. I never spared a thought about her because she was married with children. I never met her or asked about her as in my mind she was in a relationship as was he. But apparently since the moment I married their dad she was in the background as she was unhappy in her marriage. Whilst I was pregnant with 2nd dc they seemed to have started this relationship and it went on after I gave birth and dc2 was almost 2 and a half years old when I left. So I wouldn't jump to conclusions.

I’d put aside thoughts of the OW for now OP.

Has he ever been violent to the DC? Are they likely to witness your Ex being violent to the OW?

That’s what would be concerning me tbh.

I haven't said anything yet other than explaining the Facebook comment. I'm still thinking what is the best response. I feel like they have benefited from all the lies and hiding. For a long time after people found about the affair they used my dc to gain legitimacy for their relationship. Whilst others in his family wouldn't have anything to do with her she used my kids to show significance like they were her only access or interaction with his family.

Despite this I have never stopped contact despite multiple people advising me to just cut all contact and be done with them completely. In fact the only person who cut the contact for a significant amount of time was their dad 1 because he wanted me to move back in with him so he could live with the dc for a few more weeks/months before we separated (god knows why) and another time when he was trying to bully me about finances and contact hours.

Anyway i have had a lot of food for thought here. I think I need to sit and think about it a bit more. I don't want to like last time say something and it be difficult for dc to forget afterwards.

I think that you need to remember that whatever you say to your DS he will say to your Ex and his partner, and they are not going to say anything to put themselves in a bad light.

Thanks to everyone who gave constructive advice. I feel a lot more confident that either way I will give a fitting response that doesn't damage my dc when I decide.

I personally think that treating children as if they are stupid, is also not a good way of dealing with their curiosities.
Your son feels your pain and wants to understand what is wrong with you. He sounds concerned and that is natural. He will sense if the op lies to him and feel hurt if told to mind his own business as another poster said 🤔
This is a very difficult one op. Firstly and foremost as hard as it will be, do not badmouth your sons dad or ow. Your son will understand in due course the gravity of the situation, but will thank you for not ‘making him have to choose his loyalties’.
Next, discuss with your ex what will be said, so all parties know that this is not an opportunity to start slagging each other off. That what is said will be the ONLY thing said.

Perhaps something like:
“Mummies and daddies sometimes fall out of love with each other and although this is OK, it still made mummy feel sad. But, mummies and daddies never stop loving their children, so you don’t have to be sad about anything”.

Good luck op. Just so you know, my sister went out with a real douche. Later my niece was able to see her dad for what he was, without help from anyone else.

I know three cases. In one some random child said to one of my DDs friend... You're dad is having an affair. Those two girls ended up changing schools.

I know of another case where the mum and all of her family decided to tell the DC very openly that their dad had had an affair and who the OW was. Fast forward more. Than a year on and even though they live part time with the OW the DS has massive issues. Everything is very civil now but there was a lot of damage done but it was deemed acceptable at the time as she was filled with anger.

Third case, she's very aware of the affair the DH knows she knows, the DC know nothing.

I think explaining what is going on in an age appropriate way is much better than saying nothing. DC will be inventing all kinds of worrying scenarios that can be overcome by just saying, 'Daddy had a girlfriend while he was married to mummy and broke his promise' - as a PP suggested.

I say that as someone who left abusive exh (who had also been having a relationship with someone close to me) and started seeing my DH. I allowed myself to be the bad guy, as I was trying to do the right thing by not telling ds. It really wasn't the right thing and would now be a big revelation that adult ds could find out one day. If he'd known a version of the truth at the time, he would have just accepted it.

Having made the mistake of telling him the first bit, you now need to go into damage limitation mode.

I would say the usual about mummy and daddy falling out of love and that this happens to lots of people and it made you feel sad at the time but it’s all ok now and that you don’t hate them.

That’s all they need to hear at that age.

Your feelings come second in these situations unfortunately.

Just wanted to say thanks again to the people who posted. To a certain extent you talked me down so that I was able to think about my response. I basically choose a middle path between the different responses to give him an explanation that I was comfortable with and would satisfy him at his age.

I thought about doing the whole we didn't love eachother anymore bit but I felt like it was inaccurate and made it seem like no harm was done by the cheating because we didn't love eachother. Also I felt that it would damage my son's perception of himself if he felt like he wasn't born out of a love relationship if that makes sense.

Instead I explained to ds that when I had said earlier that his dad and ow did something bad to me I had said that because I was shocked at the time. The reason I was shocked was because I had not known anything about this woman as his dad hadn't told me about her though she had known about me. His dad had kept her a secret from me and in marriages we shouldnt keep secrets from eachother. That much of the truth I did confide. But I followed it up with I shouldn't have said it to YOU that they did something bad to me. Though I couldn't find it in myself to say they hadn't done anything bad.

Then I told him that we had loved eachother through out the relationship (which is true at least on my part) but in the end had wanted different things for our lives and both of us would have been sad if we did what the other wanted. In the end we decided we didnt want to be married anymore so that we could both be happy instead of making each other sad. Now because we are happy we can concentrate on being the best parents to dc and making sure dc are happy.

He promptly asked me to give an example of something we had wanted which was different. it was on the tip of my tongue to say basically your dad wanted fantasy with ow whilst I wanted to concentrate on looking after them and giving them a good life but i managed to restrain myself and instead told him j couldn't remember anything right now but there were lots of things. He seemed satisfied with that answer for now.

I feel like that is factually accurate and as close to the truth as I can get without overburdening him or damaging his relationship with his dad. I feel like it's a line I can come back to again if required and if he wants to know more in the future I can be honest about what it was that we wanted which was different.