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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP says he doesn't love me.

57 replies

CutAndBlowDry · 18/02/2019 13:00

Six months together and it seemed to me that we were both in love. Never said but always inferred in the way we behave and the things we say on an daily basis. It was a committed, close, very loving relationship where I felt loved.

During of those late-night chats after a few drinks, I asked him if he loved me (as we'd never said it) and he said "no" without any hesitation.

I am questioning my own sanity now for so badly misreading the signals and also because I can't work out what he's doing with me if he doesn't love me. Surely you know after six months if you love someone or not? I knew I loved him about 3 or 4 months in, and while I never said it I think I showed it and got the same back from him so assumed we were on the same page.

Of course there was lot of explanations and reasons given (he thinks he emotionally stunted from past hurts, he thinks he is scared of being vulnerable). All of it just sounded like white noise because I think you really either love someone or you don't. I feel just horrible thinking back over the last few months where I am some idiot wandering around thinking one thing and really it was another.

To make it even more confusing, he wants to "work it out" and get through whatever issue he is having. I am just more confused by that because why would you want to work at a relationship problem if you don't even love the person? Surely you just go and find someone you do love.

I am not really sure what I am asking for in posting but maybe just feeling so humiliated and rejected and worthless today because the person who knows me best and sleeps next to me most nights and shares my good days and bad days doesn't feel love for me, and that's something I can't say to anyone IRL because I'd just be too embarrassed.

To make it worse, DP was a great DP in every sense, and I haven't got anything bad to say about him, which further aggravates how crap I feel about the fact that his heart didn't fathom any love for me because it's not like I can blame him for being a bad person or a bad judge of character. He just doesn't love me.

I've ended the relationship because I can't have a partner who doesn't love me but I feel a bit today like I am (a) completely unlovable and (b) completely mad - I mean, how did I misread my own life in this way?

Has anyone ever been through anything like this?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2019 13:10

I have not been through this, but I'm so sorry for the hurt you're going through. You have made a VERY wise decision in dumping him. All he was doing is fucking you about.

Karigan195 · 18/02/2019 13:22

Um I have been through this. There is no way my partner would have said he loved me at 6 months yet acted like he did. In fact he said he felt he couldn’t say it to anyone as he too felt emotionally stunted.

I personally thought fuck it he was fun to be around anyway but made it clear that if I wasn’t a long term prospect then I felt I had a right to try other prospects.

To cut a long story short he had a break down, told me a whole load of his inner fears, and gradually moved in. That was 5 years ago. We now have a baby on the way and are perfectly happy.

It took a year and a half for him to say he loves me. He still uses it sparingly but to be honest my ex was a right arse who said it all the time but acted like he didn’t. I prefer it this way round where it gets said rarely but he shows he does everyday.

He even asked me to marry him last year but I’m still slightly terrified about ever doing that again after my ex tried to get maintenance for life off me!! As the higher wage earner I see no need.

I can see that you’ve already ended it and that’s entirely your choice as it might not have worked out but it’s definitely not you but him and his issues that are the problem 💐

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 18/02/2019 13:32

I think you did the right thing. Obviously the feelings aren't there for him to make him say that he doesn't love you but he's being unfair to you by telling you he wants to work on it. It's not that hard. Relationships shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself.
I have been through similar. I was dating a guy and thought things were headed in the right direction. He told me a few weeks into dating that he found me attractive and he liked me a lot but he would never love me. He was 37 and had no dating history, so would be interesting to know your ex's dating history and see if there are any red flags.
Shortly after this guy dumped me I met my husband and he has never made me question his feelings. From day one he made me feel wanted and special and secure in a loving relationship. That's what you need to look for, and forget this man because he will only make you feel worse as time goes by.

Original poster

CutAndBlowDry · 18/02/2019 13:34

Thanks for that, but honestly life seems crap enough without having to feel like you're trying to convince your partner to love you. I don't really mind people not loving me - but I'd expect my DP not to be on that list. I am glad things worked out in your story, but I always think those happy endings are the exception to the rule. Most of the time it just ends badly (for me anyway)

OP posts:

NameChangeNugget · 18/02/2019 13:44

You did the right thing.

After only 6 months, I think lust & love are easily confused

Karigan195 · 18/02/2019 13:46

Totally. I think you did the right thing too. I never tried to convince mine to love me. It just happened whilst we were just having fun. I didn’t mean you should try to do that. I was literally just meaning that it’s him not you. Some men just are totally insecure commitmentphobes.

Adora10 · 18/02/2019 14:01

Six months wasted is not so bad OP, you definitely did the right thing, if he didn't love you what was the point, to service him until he found his one, nah feck that.

Original poster

CutAndBlowDry · 18/02/2019 17:11

Thanks all

OP posts:

Pinkyyy · 18/02/2019 17:18

I think you're crazy to have ended a perfect relationship purely because he doesn't think he loves you. Just because it took you 3-4 months, doesn't mean the same goes for him. It took me a year to fall in love. He said he has his own issues and wants to be with you so why get hung up on this? It's very likely that he does love you and he just won't show it yet because of his past issues.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 18/02/2019 17:27

I think the word "love" - and saying it - are so wholly fucking over-valued in our society.

Love is a verb. It is demonstrated, not spoken, for it to have worth.

SmashedMug · 18/02/2019 18:12

I think it's really strange to throw away someone who makes you happy just because they aren't where you emotionally expect them to be at the exact same time you are. Six months is not a long period of time.

AldiProsecco · 18/02/2019 18:20

I can imagine how hard that was but I think you did the right thing. If the answer ''yes'' didn't burst out of him at six months then I'd be afraid that he is just going through the motions with you'. That you're a place holder girlfriend who he is ''loving'' to (verb) because he's an affectionate person.
I ended it with a bf after six months because I knew at that point that I didn't love him and I didn't regret it. He was a good guy but I didn't feel strongly enough about him to merge lives. It just would have been silly, neither of us was needy or dependent or that keen to be in a relationship.

Greenmum2019 · 18/02/2019 18:36

I kind of have a different perspective.

Live isn't just a 'feeling' it's a concept and to some people can be so abstract. And when articulating feelings they just can't use the concept Love to define it
Actions speak louder than words, and if this has totally shocked you then I would think that maybe he has trouble expressing his feelings verbally. Love is simple but society and modern language cloud its meaning I think.

If you feel insecure at all, no judgement I am!, Then it would probably be too hard for you to unpack this with him. If you don't and feel sure you felt love even though you didn't hear love, then I would spend a bit of time thinking then meet up to talk it over.

TheBeastAwakens · 18/02/2019 18:41

I think you should have given him a chance. Six months isn't that long. It took my DP 10 months to say it, although he acted like he loved me. He was just wary because he didn't trust himself after some bad relationships. He says it every day now. It's not really fair to demand someone feels emotions on your timeline.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 18/02/2019 18:48

You've only known him 6 months. This seems incredibly dramatic OP.

6 months is really not that long. I think you have made a mistake ending it. For some people it can take much longer that 3 or 4 months etc etc. That said, if you need to have that security fairly quickly in a r'ship then this guy probably isnt for you.

Original poster

CutAndBlowDry · 18/02/2019 18:52

I appreciate everyone giving me the other side of the coin, but he was pretty clear about how he felt and even elaborated on it by saying he knew I felt more than he did and it was "lopsided".

I did take the time to try and qualify it as I was sooooo shocked that I thought maybe his wording was confusing him and asked if he'd loved previous girlfriends and he said "yes".

I don't think I am a placeholder or anything, he's not the type to seek out women or anything, but I just think he doesn't feel all that strongly about me and while six months might not sound that long, I think it's dependent on how much time you spend together and we spend a lot and have been through illnesses and bereavements and a lot of things together so I know in my gut if he doesn't love me know he never will.

OP posts:

DerelictWreck · 18/02/2019 18:55

I wouldn't have ended a relationship over lack of love at 6 months.

You say you knew 2/3 months ago, so at 3 months? That seems very early to me. But then I'm careful with words like that and would only say love if I meant forever

poppingoff · 18/02/2019 18:58

No right or wrong answer to this one, I don't think. Although personally, I'd probably have done what you have. I can't imagine it ever taking me more than 6 months to fall in love with a person. If I wasn't feeling it by then, I'd end it, so if someone else wasn't feeling it for me, then likewise. Life's too short to hope to ever be loved when you could actually be being loved.

But I am really sorry you're feeling so sad, OP.

PrettyLovely · 18/02/2019 19:03

I think you did the right thing op.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 18/02/2019 19:13

After your update I'm even more certain you did the right thing. In the early stages of a relationship I think, if you're really happy with someone and you're feelings are growing, you think you love them even if you don't quite yet. So I think if he was truly happy and falling for you, he would have said yes.
The fact he has straight up said no and told you feel more for him than he does for you would have me ending things abruptly because I would be afraid further down the line you're risking more heartache.
You deserve so much better than this OP and you'll find it sooner or later, once you have moved on from this one.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 18/02/2019 19:25

After your update, I've changed my mind about him, OP - given he's admitted that you feel more than he does.

Original poster

CutAndBlowDry · 18/02/2019 19:58

Out if interest on this, does anyone think "emotional unavailability" is a real thing? I tend to think if you love someone you just love them, if you're "not ready" for a relationship it's just the wrong person; but does anyone think it's actually a real thing to be hurt by something or a situation and to become resistant to love / intimacy? He claims this is the reason and he wants to find a way past it with me but there's nothing in me that feels like that's an actually real thing.

OP posts:

positivemoves · 18/02/2019 20:20

I experienced this with my last partner . We had this conversation after about 6 months too, but I decided to hang in there . Looking back, I think I gave him permission to continue enjoying all the benefits of my deep affection and love for him, whilst he maintained a position of being " unsure" but continuing to want to work on things . It remained unequal , and I consider him to be very emotionally unavailable . Looking back , although he too described having been " in love " with previous partners , he was never actually committed to them in the ways I wanted him to be with me , either . I was always aware that my feelings were stronger , and he was able to play on this in any discussions we had , or plans I suggested . It felt like a power game , although he always maintained he was sad about it and didn't want me to end things . He was very affectionate and loving in his actions , but would be distant and take a lot of time out , saying he needed to work on his feelings about the past , and wanted space . I ended it eventually and he made no effort to hold on, but said he understood and that I deserved better . That was three years later . I should have walked away when the conversation first took place. I think he's telling you who he is , OP. Emotional unavailability is definitely a thing. This will hurt now , but would be more painful for you if you had continued .

positivemoves · 18/02/2019 20:22

Listen to what your gut tells you there's nothing in me that tells me.....
I failed to do that with my ex. I will not make that mistake again.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 18/02/2019 20:42

I appreciate everyone giving me the other side of the coin, but he was pretty clear about how he felt and even elaborated on it by saying he knew I felt more than he did and it was "lopsided".

That hurts, and I'm sorry, but you've made the right decision in leaving him. He doesn't love you... I'm not quick to fall in love but I'd have given a more diplomatic answer, and I'd have already talked about it with any partners so they knew what to expect when it got serious - especially if I was feeling that they were falling in love or feeling more intensely than me. He ignored it until you asked an outright question and then gave some half baked excuses.

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