I know men find it a little more difficult as they age....but is it the same for women too?

[TeaCakesRus]

I'm 41 - divorced 9 years but dated in between. Life is busy and there have been times where I just want to have a bubble bath put my pj's on, eat chocolate watching a chic flick alone. Also had times where I have enjoyed dressing up, meeting new people, enjoying male company dating. No matter what I have always had a sexual desire. However, it's disappeared. I know medication can impact on this. Not on medication. I ask because its not just that, its everything. I have absolutely no emotion. It's horrible. I can't think what has happened to me.

Do you have no emotion or no sex drive?

PlumPorter - both really.

Depression was like that, for me. Not feeling sad - feeling nothing.

tirisfalpumpkin - yes depression can make you feel this way. I have questioned this. I try to get into a mindset of trying to find a goal or a purpose. Like meeting friends or excerise, even dating but just can't and it's so frustrating.

*exercise

I'm in the older age group ( 60's) and no it isn't like that as far as my experience is concerned - same with other women I know. The sex activity might go off to some extent - mainly because of male physical problems. But emotion and sex drive seem pretty unchanged in my experience. Older women often get very used to "taking care of themselves" as far as sex is concerned .

I'd suspect that you might have some depression, if your emotions are flat. Maybe talk to a counsellor and see what happens. Good luck.

Birdie6 - thankyou, that's good to hear. I feel like I'm just functioning right now so not sure if it's depression. I have had days of low mood in the past where I have been tired or upset but its never lasted long, I have always been able to make myself feel better. Never lost that desire as such. It's so strange this time.

Hm, well I'm 44 and I don't think what you're experiencing is an age thing at all.

Have you been to see the GP about how you are feeling?

What you described subsequently sounds a lot like depression to me

Or, yes, look for a local counselling service - talking to someone might help.

PlumPorter that's good to hear. I really don't want to take medication. I know that will be the first thing the GP will offer. I work in mental health - the reason I have questioned depression is because I am still functioning, working, showering and dressing, keeping a clean home, running my dc's around to their activities, making sure they're happy and we are all organised and I am abke to effectively communicate at work. Its like I'm not there, like I'm on autopilot. It's sounds strange and difficult to explain. Like I will shower and put on some makeup, get dressed but its like I'm doing that to someone else. Compared to before, I would shower and maybe think about what I want to wear, if it looks nice, do my hair nice and be planning what I'm going to do that day or evening or the weekend (watch a movie, cook something nice, see a friend, maybe a date, go shopping for a new outfit, enjoy a bubble bath and glass of wine, plan an exercise goal knowing Id feel good). Now I just go through the motions. Oh gosh, I sound a little loopy. I'm just trying to explain and it's difficult. It's been like it a while but all of a sudden I realised that I have no sexual desire and not once ever lost this. That's when I thought - I feel like it's all fading slowly and it's scares me.

No, you don't sound loopy but it does sound as though you are getting all the 'functional' stuff done that you need to do for everyone else but are not able to do things for yourself at the moment.

All the 'self care' has gone from your life!

PlumPorter thankyou. Yes, that's true. Not sure how to change that really.

Can this happen in peri menopause?
I've had that auto pilot flat feeling during a couple of very stressful periods of my life and looking back I'd say I was depressed. Exercise, not drinking too much, and consciously surrounding myself with friends helped.

Are there little things you can do for yourself that you do enjoy? What do you do in your free time/in the evenings/when you would normally have been doing those things?

Is there something that is worrying you that is getting in the way? I know that the only times I 'shut down' in the way you describe are when there is something serious that is worrying me and the rest of life just seems to stop.

Other than that, sometimes we can get into a rut that becomes a bit of a spiral and it takes a bit of an effort to get over that 'bump' but sometimes reminding ourselves/our brains/our bodies of how good it feels to have a relaxing bath or do your hair.

I wouldn't worry about sexual desire at the moment too much. I know that my libido ebbs and flows and it's at its worst when I'm not focusing on myself. You've got to find yourself attractive and feel sexy in yourself first.

OP, I’m sure you know from your work that depersonalisation, dissociation and emotional
blunting are all classic features of depression.
If you’re not keen on medication, look online for CBT resources (cognitive behaviour therapy) and try that first, or see a private counsellor if you can afford it. NHS waitng lists are usually over 6 months, so not a quick fix.
Are there any obvious triggers in your life, such as work stress, relationship problems, or has this arisen on its own? If the latter you may well require antidepressant medication, as CBT alone may not resolve it. Is it just fear of side effects that makes you reluctant to try a course of SSRIs?

Senseiwu I have just read this as I was googling this morning. I was thinking about asking my GP to test my hormone levels. It's such a bizarre feeling. I thought it would shift but now I feel myself in the evening wanting to go to sleep as the feeling is awful. It's like if I'm not functioning on something else, I am left with this feeling of numbness and I can't deal with it. Almost to the state of anxiety if I am.

I would second the exercise idea. I started going to the gym recently. I go twice a week for 45 mins a time - so it's never going to make a huge amount of difference physically but mentally it's doing wonders!

Or just sitting outside surrounded by nature/fresh air/birds singing - I find that helps me. Every morning that it isn't raining (and sometimes even when it is!), I sit outside with a cup of tea. Before the children are up, before I start to think about getting ready for work... even when it snowed, I still did it.

I've been doing it every day since about last June and it makes such a difference to my mental health! You wouldn't think something so little would be so big.

Are you just able to 'power through' it and do things anyway?

I don't suggest that in a "pull your socks up way"!

But sometimes, unless I've been at the stage where even getting out of bed is a huge effort, I sometimes decide what I want to do; count to 3; get up and just do it. Whether I'm 'feeling' it or not. And even if the thought of it does induce some anxiety. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Worth a try?

PlumPorter that's a good idea. Now you mention that. I look put onto my garden and try to remind myself how lovely it feels in the nicer weather to sit outside with a cup of tea. It's like I try to trigger that feeling. Push for that feeling and it doesn't happen. Then I think, right on my day off I will tidy the garden, that will help but I haven't done that yet. I long for that feeling back. I love that you do this, whatever the weather. Thankyou for your help. I have been trying to push myself to join the gym for a long time. I know it's only me that can do it. I'm annoyed at myself. I'm not too worried about my sexual desire. The reason I mentioned it today is because I have been feeling numb for a while and all of a sudden felt like I was just slowly losing absolutely every feeling. It's a bit scary.
Babdoc thankyou. Yes it's the side effects. I know I shouldn't be anti medication as I am working in mental health and have seen first hand how they can help. I will look online this morning, thankyou. I'm usually pretty good at picking myself up on occasions of a stressful time or lack of sleep. It's so strange this time. As if it's too late or something. I am in my last year of studying mental health nursing. Stress is not new to me. It's been a difficult 3 years. I'm at the end so should be excited really. I was anxious about this management placement but I don't even experience that anxious/nervous feeling anymore. I feel guilty because I don't get excited about anything. I don't want to show this so I put on a face, go through the motions then feel so so guilty. Like a bloody robot!

Now you mention that. I look put onto my garden and try to remind myself how lovely it feels in the nicer weather to sit outside with a cup of tea. It's like I try to trigger that feeling. Push for that feeling and it doesn't happen.

Do it. Don't think about it. Just do it.
(Don't worry about tidying the garden, that's a step too far. And you're setting yourself up to fail at the moment)

Are you at home at the moment? Is it dry? Can you do it now?

PlumPorter yes, I'm home. I'm fighting not going to bed. I don't have the tv on, I'm just sat here. A bit like I can't move. So so strange!
It's not too untidy out there. Just leaves and the grass obviously needs a cut. My potted plants are not looking healthy. I could yes!

I know that feeling. I describe it as being 'stuck'. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being flippant about this or how you feel, just trying to show what works for me.

I can tell when I'm really 'stuck' because even when I get up to make myself do something, before I know it, I'm sitting back on the sofa again!! It's not a conscious decision - but there I am.

But a cup of tea in the garden is something I can always manage. And the positive impact of it has only increased over time.

To begin with, it was just a pleasant physical experience - even if it is a bit chilly today, it's a reminder that you're alive - that you're here in the world and it's all there and you're part of it.

And over time the mental and emotional benefits kick in.

It's one self care habit that I can't see ever breaking - I always want to drink tea!!

PlumPorter not at all, your support here is highly appreciated. I have nobody to talk to. It means alot. Thats exactly it 'stuck', literally. I'm glad you have found things that work/help you. I remember the feeling I had when spending time outdoors. I am actually digging out my garden gloves as we speak. I'm going to just try to tidy the garden a little. It's weird as I have this feeling now, like a feeling of hope, that I will get a sense of something from it along side a feeling of anxiety that I won't and really really want to feel that again. Thankyou so much. It is quite cold out there, I will try to manage 20 mins or so.

Well, if you've found a little feeling of hope... good luck! Let me know how it goes

PlumPorter - thankyou for your help. Thankyou everyone. I forgot how much it helps to talk.