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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex is consuming me

52 replies

MumCatx2 · 17/02/2019 22:16

I'm 35, and my attitude to sex is changing. I came off hormonal contraception and my sex drive is now much higher. I also want to really pursue things that i've only dabbled with before. I don't want to end up old and unattractive regretting things I never did. I don't get emotionally involved with sex so I can have sex outside of my relationship (with men or women) and be fine. The killer is, my partner of 7 years doesn't want to play. He has tried for me, but he doesn't have the same drive. We have amazing sex at home and he wants to keep it at that. Doing it on the sly is incredibly hard because he works from home, and he will leave if he finds out.
I feel so confused and so torn. The rational side of me says that I need to shut this side of me down. But a big part of me wants to indulge it.
I'm not scared of being a single mum, but don't want to do that to my kids. I'm so in love and happy, but i don't know if that will be enough for me forever.

OP posts:

Sheelala · 18/02/2019 12:18

don't get emotionally involved with sex so I can have sex outside of my relationship

Perhaps tell your partner that sex means nothing to you, if he has any sense he will dump you on the spot and you can pursue other stuff. Unless you think he might swallow the line that sex with him means something but not with anyone else.

ClaryFray · 18/02/2019 12:31

Op, I get it.

I have had kink based relationships in the past, I feel more content as a submissive partner.

My current partner is so lovely, however he isn't into what I am. He's one of the good ones, and so sweet and caring. However I feel so... Unfulfilled. The only difference I have is he is terrible in bed. So I've completely gone off sex.

No practical advice, just I feel your pain and confusion. And I don't feel the mud being slung your way is just.

Calvinsmam · 18/02/2019 12:37

The only difference I have is he is terrible in bed. So I've completely gone off sex.

Leave him.

Seriously. If he’s nice and caring he’ll find someone else and you can be free to be fulfilled.

Adora10 · 18/02/2019 12:38

Ford, that's nearly as bad as you comparing an unwashed person to a dirty mug lol. You don't have talk some shit.

OP, if you want to shag about it's best to go be single so you are not going to hurt your partner who you know would be against it.

Sheelala · 18/02/2019 12:40

And I don't feel the mud being slung your way is just.

Can't speak for everyone but what I object to is dishonesty, especially in intimate relationships. Why not tell your lovely partner the truth which is that you do not find him sexually attractive and sex with him does not fulfill you. Wtf are you planning on doing ? Lying to him for the rest of your life ? What would be the point of that ?

MWNA · 18/02/2019 12:44

Bloody well said, WH1SPERS.

MWNA · 18/02/2019 12:47

I completely get how you're feeling though, OP.
I felt (and behaved) very similarly in my mid and late 30s. CA sec a pot of hurt. But it was an obsession. Like a drug. It was so awesome in so many ways, having all that arousal and sex. I'd change nothing.

pelirocco123 · 18/02/2019 12:52

Go for it

Then find a year down the line that shagging around isnt all its cracked up to be
Especially when you realise it is all about emotional attachment , and it becomes apparent that the people who like shagging the ones who just want to have sex , will basically shag just about anyone and its no marker of how young and attractive you are

Please dont bring random men / women back to your house when your kids are there either .....so hopefully your ex will be happy to have them over at his when the urge takes hold

Queenofmyownheart · 18/02/2019 12:53

Relationships are about compromise. I'd find it bizarre that you are considering putting your need for extra sex over your children's needs? If the whole relationship was crap I could begin to understand but to split up a family purely for a bit of extra sex seems awfully unreasonable. I feel sorry for your partner. And kids for that matter.

Sheelala · 18/02/2019 13:29

What pelirocco123 said. If sex really did mean nothing to you then why even bother being in a relationship which in part is defined by sex ? Weird.

iklboo · 18/02/2019 13:31

For goodness sake, just have a wank like everyone else.

Best advice Dear Deidre never gave

PlinkPlink · 18/02/2019 13:40

I'm with ClaryFray on this...

I've always been kink orientated though I didn't know that's what it was until someone showed me the light.

My ex wasn't into it at all and unfortunately, it was one of the many reasons why I left. The worst was in the last few weeks he did ultimately try what I wanted but I felt nothing. That's when I knew I couldn't stay anymore.

I was fed up of a partnership where he took all the time and gave very little back. So I left.

We didn't have kids though... and that's where you're getting alot of flak.

People who are not kink-orientated will not understand the depth of those feelings you get nor the freedom you get from it. It's very hard to describe to those who are not into it. But it really is a lifestyle choice.

On the other hand, it really is pretty awful if you put this above your daughter. Putting sex above your daughter's needs would be awful. You can't really use that as a sole reason to leave or explore.

However... this will ultimately come down to your happiness. If you can stop resentment for seeping into other areas of your relationship and stay together for your daughter, then fab. Do that. But if you can't, and she sees you as very unhappy, I don't think she'd want that for you.

In summation, you're in a bit of a pickle and unfortunately, you won't get much sympathy from MN as the majority are seemingly vanilla (there's a few kinksters out there). If everything else is okay in the relationship, it's be very hard to justify leaving for the sole purpose of playing.

Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 18/02/2019 13:41

You want to be polygamous, he doesn't.

You said you're ok with being a single mother.

So leave, and find someone who also wants to be polygamous - shouldn't be hard at all, there are many men who'd like to be polygamous. (Or don't get into another relationship at and just be single and do what you want).

It's not rocket science, you're incompatible. You sound like you're already cheating on him; which you gave him right to do,biuts utterly shitty.

Stop and live the life you want to.

Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 18/02/2019 13:42

*which you have no right to do

PlinkPlink · 18/02/2019 13:45

Oh sorry, I didn't read that you actually have an amazing sex life at home...

I'd try and alter your perspective a bit. This might be a grass is greener situation.

If everything else is tip top it would be pretty selfish to cheat or leave for the sake of having that experience.

Loopytiles · 18/02/2019 13:45

If you want to “date” other people, you can, just be decent to your DP and end your relationship first.

Sheelala · 18/02/2019 13:48

"kinkster" "vanilla"

Give over. I don't know why people think they are all cool and different because they aren't sexually satisfied by their partner and want to shag other people. Cheating men have been saying this for years, along with the "sex has no emotional value" excuse when caught. kink has nothing to do with it unless you are saying that multiple partners is what constitutes "kink".

Having a child with someone who might reasonably expect his partner to be committed to him and faithful was indeed a mistake.

ShatnersWig · 18/02/2019 13:53

I have no issue with people being kink-oriented. I have an issue with people lying or deceiving their partners. If you're not fulfilled in a relationship or do not want to be monogamous, leave and fill your boots.

Calvinsmam · 18/02/2019 14:27

Well that’s a very loaded point of view.

If we don’t agree with you then it’s because we can’t understand because if we did understand we’d agree with you.
It can’t possibly be that we do understand but just think it’s extremely selfish to go behind a partners back and basically blame your partner for your own deception.

Your sexual desires are not more important than your partners right to have boundaries and be respected.
Even if you are ‘kink orientated’

iklboo · 18/02/2019 14:50

Not wanting to shag anything with a pulse does not make me 'vanilla'.

MoyoGaza · 18/02/2019 15:16

I don't want to end up old and unattractive regretting things I never did
I think you have a distorted view of sex and you're practically worshipping it. Visit some Nursing/Retirement homes and ask the old folks whether they regret no having loads of sex.
There is far more to life than shagging and your willingness to put everything on the line because you fear regretting it in the future is 'interesting'. Don't forget ravishing venereal diseases and infections out there. A condom will not protect you from some of them. Choose life and not death OP! I beg you.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 18/02/2019 15:26

Some posters are confusing having multiple partners with kink. Just having multiple partners does not mean you’re necessarily into kink - you could be having vanilla sex with them all. Kink and vanilla refer to sexual preferences (often - but not always - BDSM) they don’t refer to how many partners you have.

I’ve been where you are OP and it’s not easy - I never went behind my ex-H back but felt so terribly unfulfilled and unhappy sexually and had an overwhelming urge to do something about it. I was in my late thirties/ early 40s, it was 12 yrs ago, we split up and I was able to explore my kink side with (just one) new partner - I never felt any desire to sleep with multiple partners although I do not judge those who do.

I do have children and they have are loved by all the adults in their lives and have had a safe and secure home life. I regret that I wasn’t able to give them the ideal of “mum and dad forever” - I really do regret that - but overall, taking into account my happiness as well as theirs, it’s worked out alright. I think I was probably emotionally unfulfilled too.

The key though was honesty - not deception, being really honest with my ex what was going on for me. And also, protecting our children; so not letting my private life spill into the domestic one and providing constancy and a safe homelife through it all. We are all now friends, my ex, my ‘new’ partner and me. It can work out okay but it’s not easy and I do really understand what you’re going through.

The only other thing I’d say is you are probably at the height of your sexual urges at the moment, it does calm down. My mum always used to say everyone calms down after 50. I’ll never know if my feelings calmed down because they had been fulfilled or because I went through the menopause and entered my 50s but biologically I think it does make a difference.

Confusedbeetle · 18/02/2019 15:29

Dear God this is so tedious. Get over your self

ChakiraChakra · 18/02/2019 15:38

In summation, you're in a bit of a pickle and unfortunately, you won't get much sympathy from MN as the majority are seemingly vanilla (there's a few kinksters out there)

The kink people would like to point out that they have better ethics than screwing somebody whose partner thinks they're in a monogamous relationship. Seriously, good kink is ALL about informed consent, of all parties.

ImNotKitten · 18/02/2019 16:30

You say you’re so in love and happy, have an amazing sex life. Is anything really worth losing that? Sounds like you’re looking a gift horse in the mouth and suffering from grass is greener syndrome.

You can’t have dalliances behind your H’s back. It’s deceitful and horrid. But perhaps you need to have a good look at what you already have instead of chasing thrills.

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