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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help!..my husband has left me...completely destroyed

39 replies

ECxx · 17/02/2019 17:04

Help...husband left and i am truly heart broken...
me and my H have been together for 19 years married for 11 and have a ds of 5 years. we have had a really good replationship but over the past few years its been abit difficult. we have had bereavements of friends (one of which my husband friend who sadly took his own life) and family along with other things. My H has been very distant and turned into a workahokic and evey evening he went to the gym or work. even on my birthday i was by myself...ive been so lonley but i never complained. i was on my own for most of the time and felt we no longer had family time. we tried to talk but he would not communicate. during this time we still had sex althouhh not much and said we love each other alot. dont get me wrong, when we did have time together it was great
. it all came to blows in November when an old ex messaged me to see how i was...how was the family etc. we exchanged afew messages back and forth...we have a mutual friend and we were talking about going to her party etc. it was nice to have a catch up and there was no flirting or anything. i did end the message saying i would have to go as H would be back soon and he wouldnt like me messaging an old ex and that i would message him tomorrow or through the week. the following day he messaged a couple of times, general chit chat like i was talking the dog for a walk and that was it. i deleted the message.
a few days later H asked who have i been messaging (i didn't think of last week and said no one as id completly forgot!). then he said whos and i oh yeah..we did and we chatted for abit. apparently * girlfriend saw this on his phone and contacted my H through facebook and sent screen shots. H was very angry told me it was over well and he moved out 2 weeks later.
I have expressed how sorry i am and that it really didnt mean anything (it really didnt...i love my husband and would never cheat!). He said hes a broken man and has been for sometime. hes guilty that he hadnt really spent much time with DS and that he was moving out for space. he said the message was the icing on the cake. i feel he hasnt been himself for quite sometime.

we have tried to talk but hes so angry..he was on and off over xmas untill he said he can no longer see a future with me...just DS.
we are currently going to counciling but he sees this as a way to seperate amicably rather than get back together. he blamed me for everthing and is very angry.
i have been a good wife and a good mother. I truly regret the message with ex but there really was nothing i it.
i feel completly heartbroken and now since been diagnosed with depression. im not sure where i go from here. H was still continuing to to come round to the house to see DS a few times a week and has him for 1 night at the weekend. H is living with his mum for now. when he comes round hes polite and even toy fighting. last week we took DS swimming and we all had tea together...it was lovley...really was. and since been cold towards me again. i have tried to back off abit and hes making the decisions so im not sure what else i can do. i just want him to realise how much he means to me. xxx

OP posts:

MrsGarethSouthgate · 17/02/2019 17:16

You need to back off completely and act indifferently. He won't like the shift in power, and it may lead him to consider what he is losing. Equally it may not, but at the moment you have nothing to lose.

It all sounds too convenient to be honest, the ease in which he's thrown the relationship away, almost like he was waiting for an excuse to end it.

I do think you crossed a line when you told the other bloke that your husband wouldn't like you messaging (so acknowledged to him that you were prepared to do things behind your husband's back that would upset him), and also by deleting the messages. That aside, he is suspiciously keen to end things quickly and I would be thinking about why that might be.

Yogagirl123 · 17/02/2019 17:20

Never a good idea to respond to an ex however innocent.

How would you feel if an ex of your DH got in touch and messages were exchanged, and he met up with ex at a mutual friends party?

Sounds like his ego has been bruised, and trust has gone.

I am sorry to say it, but I think it will be hard to recover the relationship. Wishing you luck OP.

Original poster

ECxx · 17/02/2019 17:32

I completely understand i shouldnt have messaged back. i think at the time i was just generally interested on how he was doing as we hadnt spoken in 20 odd years. i say ex...but we saw each other for a couple of weeks while we were teenager...i certainly dobt fancy him.
H has been very didnt for quite sometime maybe he was having thoughts about the relationship not working for a while. and this confirmed it.
That said...i an truley remorsefull but did not intend of carry any on with ex. if i did go to the party...my H would have come with me. it wasnt to hook up with someone else.
xx

OP posts:

MrsGarethSouthgate · 17/02/2019 17:44

I don't think you needed to not reply, the issue for me would be in the secrecy, the deletion and the open acknowledgement to the other person that you were doing something your husband wouldn't like.

I do believe that you never had any intention of cheating. And I don't know you. So if I, a stranger, am willing to believe you, why isn't your husband?

MrsGarethSouthgate · 17/02/2019 17:45

Is there any chance he might be having an affair himself?

AnyFucker · 17/02/2019 17:50

I am getting a distinct whiff of projection here.....

dragonsfire · 17/02/2019 17:50

Jesus my husband wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I was messaging an ex, if it was innocent catching up and we were on friendly terms!

I think your only mistake was sort of hiding it so came across more seedy but his reaction shows he is either a jealous control freak, or looking for an excuse to end the marriage anyway.

Mintychoc1 · 17/02/2019 17:54

It sounds to me like your husband is having an affair and has used this as a way of getting out of the marriage

Tennesseewhiskey · 17/02/2019 18:05

Messaging an ex isn't really a huge deal.

Messaging that you have to go as husband will be home and he won't like it, then deleting the messages, is wrong. If I was your husband I would be assuming there had been flirting or sexual messages but those had been deleted.

I do, however, agree there is a chance he could also be seeing someone.

But, to be honest, does it matter? You were both miserable for ages. You couldn't just carrying on living like that, one of you would have called time eventually.

SevenStones · 17/02/2019 18:15

To me it's an over the top response. I don't see anything wrong with catching up with an ex just to see what you're both up to these days. That your husband wouldn't likeit says a lot about him.

But I agree with the others who've said it feels like projection and that he was looking for an excuse.

Whatever way it is, acting cooler will help because at the moment you're giving him all the power. Take some back.

PinkiOcelot · 17/02/2019 18:15

Evil thinkers are evil doers or so my mam used to say.

Autumnchill · 17/02/2019 18:21

There really wasn't any need to keep it secret but I smell a bit of projection here too.

My ex-husband got in touch not so long ago as I had put up our old marital home for sale (nothing malicious, just that he had seen it). I told my current husband 'btw, ex messaged me today about the house sale'.

He does seem to have had quite an over reaction to this.

LaughingCow99 · 17/02/2019 18:26

I think he's using your texts as his get out clause. Blaming you means he doesn't appear to be the bad guy.

He is allowed to leave a marriage, of course, but it sounds like he has been distancing himself for a long time. This isn't out of the blue. Your texts allowed him to take the moral high ground.

It doesn't sound like it was a happy marriage for either of you. I hope you have good friends to help you through this.

ConfCall · 17/02/2019 18:40

I think that if he were keen to save your marriage, he would not separate from you over something as daft as this. There was nothing in your messages to suggest an affair, physical or emotional. This is a convenient excuse. Maybe it is for the best, given what you've described.

Original poster

ECxx · 17/02/2019 18:41

we had a really happy marriage for 17 years...its just the last two years have taken their toll. i really dont think there is anyone else?. im not even sure if he is suffering abit of depression from finding his friend who took his own life (as this happened two years ago) he never speaks abit it as he tends to bottle everthing up. He did come to the park with me and DS today and we were laughing and joking...he would not hold my hand tho.
I completly own my part of themistake....but i am struggling that he ended it ao completely

OP posts:

Lifeisabeach09 · 17/02/2019 18:47

I agree with PP who said he is using this as an excuse to end the marriage.
You need to put some distance. Stop playing happy families and trying to hold his hand. Let him take DS out on his own.
Start building a life without him.

AgentJohnson · 17/02/2019 19:04

He wanted an out and he’s taken it and ran. however, there’s something very off in your relationship dynamic when you continued to communicate with a man you admittedly knew your H would object to.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2019 19:10

He's left you. Going to the park as a family lets him think he isn't a shit after all

It will also confuse your dc and that isn't fair

Cherylshaw · 17/02/2019 19:20

Everyone saying the husband is having an affair is madness, because he works late you all came to that conclusion? From ops post it is clear he has had a rough time of it and there seemed to be little communication between the two.
I would be extremely upset if my husband was messaging an ex and clearly said I wouldn't like it, if the ex's partner saw the messages and felt the need to screen shot and send them I don't think they were as innocent as you are saying. Why would he be a broken man from you were just saying you were walking the dog etc.
I don't think there is any coming back from this. You knew you were doing. Wrong and continued regardless of your husband's feelings

Original poster

ECxx · 17/02/2019 19:23

i invited him to the park so could try to get along better....and try to save my marriage. we still have fun together (although its not like it used to be years ago). i have spoken to H about telling our ds that we are seperated but he wont tell him yet.
I know i shouldnt have text ex back but there was no flirting...we were just catching up bit.

OP posts:

Greenmum2019 · 17/02/2019 19:31

It sounds to me like your husband is depressed.

I have just been through 2 years of what you have, lonely, so lonely.

I tried to get my husband to get help but wouldn't.

After 6 months of vocalising to him how unhapoy I was did it come to us seperating. I detached emotionally and went out when he was in the house. Talked about a seperation plan and two weeks later he apologised.... Admited the extent of his depression and admitted that he hadn't tried at all. He presumed he had lost his love for me but he has just lost all his happiness and ability to love.
I never ever thought, we turn it around. But literally that day of talking have been great, in love and connected.

My husband lost his brother to suicide and then a month later found his work colleague dead in the toilet at work. So no doubt he was struggling with post traumatic stress. He won't take medicines but has started running which has helped.

I had to be so patient..... And back off to get to this. I had let him know I loved him but I couldn't have the relationship he had created for US. He was in survival, totally shut down

Original poster

ECxx · 17/02/2019 19:36

cherylshaw he wasnt always working late. he went to the gym everynight, unless he was going out. he made no effort over thr past few years. i too have had a tough time...my father passed away then had to put my mum in a home due to dementia and life long illnesses. my mum was given a few months to live and he didnt support me. i completely agree there is a lack of communication, but how can i communicate with someone who isnt there. they are completely innocent, appart from the H wouldnt be to happy. this happened for an 1/2 in the evening and 5 mins the following morning. we didnt not text after that...and thatd before i knew i knew. we said our bit and that was it.

OP posts:

Original poster

ECxx · 17/02/2019 19:58

greenmum....thats exackly whats hes done...complete emotion shutdown. i didnt think about depression u till i was diagnosed with it two weeks ago. i then started to think how my feelings have been up and down for about 3 years since my dad died and that is how hes been. im not sure weather to mention it at the next counciling session or not?.

OP posts:

greendale17 · 17/02/2019 20:02

**Never a good idea to respond to an ex however innocent.

How would you feel if an ex of your DH got in touch and messages were exchanged, and he met up with ex at a mutual friends party?

Sounds like his ego has been bruised, and trust has gone.**

^Yep I agree

Greenmum2019 · 17/02/2019 20:09

I definitely think you should mention it.
Say you feel that your connection as a couple started to disintegrate when chellened with external traumas. We had a disbled son last year this was what broke the camels back.

If you have both been depressed then there is little left to support each other. It's so sad really. I'm sorry you are going this this, because I can relate so much to it.

I would focus too much on the messaging. The relationship should be the focus.
He just needs some space to start to feel again. He also needs councilling individually. My husband tried it in the summer but it made him worse. He was in too much denial still and he just found it easier to blame his problems on me/us not working.

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