Help. I'm a mess. How can I be happy?

[BlueishHueOfBlue]

Recently I've hit a whole bunch of goals I've wanted for a long time.
I hated my nose, got very subtle plastic surgery and looks great.
I saved up for veneers on my teeth - again looks great, happy with result.
Lost a lot of weight and got really fit.
I got a huge qualification at work that I'd worked for my whole life (made a consultant).
Made a lot of money and paid off my mortgage.

What I've learnt from each of these is that each time I thought "if I get this/do this" my life will be perfect but the fact is after each thing nothing really changed. My life is the same. I'm the same person.

I have few friends and have been single for along time. I keep thinking that if I got a partner/bf who loved me THEN I'd be happy - but I know based on past experience this is just nonsense. Basically I've made my life perfect (or at least perfect for me) save for being single but I'm still not happy. Getting a bf won't make it any better but I feel like I'm incomplete some how.

What's wrong with me? Why am I so unsatisfied? It's not that I'm ungrateful because I realise I'm lucky. It's more that every time I think this will make my life perfect and it doesn't. I'm just the same unhappy person with one less thing to worry about.

What makes people contented?Why don't I have it and how can I find it?

Interested in this OP as I often feel the same! The only time I feel differently and properly happy is when I feel connected to other people, helping out a neighbor or helping a friend. Maybe you need closer relationships?

Because you are seeing the things you do as a means to an end. In fact there never is an end and you just have to be content with moving from one thing to another. I used to be like this always finding one thing to be happy with until I realised I like finding new things to do and have learnt to be content with lots of different things and seeing where life takes me.

SnoogyWoo is right. You're looking for something that doesn't exist. This is just 'life'. You go through life setting goals and reaching them. There is no end result where you are content that you have everything you ever wanted.

SnoogyWoo is right. You're looking for something that doesn't exist. This is just 'life'. You go through life setting goals and reaching them. There is no end result where you are content that you have everything you ever wanted.

Is this right though? I'm not sure it is. I look around me and see many people who seem happy and contented with what they have.

Take my work - I've always been really ambitious and wanted to "achieve" thinking that getting to the top was my aim and would make me happy. I've done that. I'm at the top but am not happy. I'm relieved I didn't fail but feel a bit "lost" that my long term goal has been scored but I'm not happy.

I think lots of people would achieve that and be happy and contented. Lots of people are happy and contented with much less. That's my point, nothing seems to make me happy and I'm now fixating on not having a partner - but if I got one that wouldn't make me happy either based on past experience.

How do I get to the contented stage?

I'm not sure anyone can answer that. Maybe some counselling/therapy might help you understand what's missing.
Is it only now that you think a bf is the missing link? Or have you always deep down felt that?

No - the bf issue has always been something I've felt. I hate myself for it. I should be happy with my high achieving life but I do feel "lesser" for not having a man.I feel judged by society. Emmeline Pankhurst would be disgusted if she could read my mind. I'm shameful for the way I feel about it.

No it's not a man but a best friend. My husband is my best friend. Even then, I sometimes feel lonely. I have got d points and bad points. Google Desiderata and read the words. It might help?

Good not d points

From what you’ve explained in your OP, everything you aimed for and succeeded to involved one person: YOU. Which is great, admirable and has absolutely nothing wrong with it.

I don’t think us humans are wired like that though. That’s what society has made us, but we are social beings, we need to belong, we need to give and to receive.
I don’t know your circumstances, but perhaps if you focus more on others and less on you, if you share your skills, wisdom, wealth without expecting anything in return, your question might be answered. Who knows, what have you got to lose?

You're on what is called the hedonic treadmill. The belief that the next thing will make you happy. But all you're satisfying is a desire, a want. When you achieve it you satisfy the desire and then it is onto the next thing until eventually you run out of things to satisfy you. None of it is happiness. Now you have realised that even a relationship won't make you happy.
Most people are on this treadmill. The next job, the next holiday, the next house, the next handbag, the next hairdo, the next this the next that. Even the rich and famous are unhappy.
The answer to happiness lies within you not without. It is your responsibility. No-one else's.
Here's a start for 10...........

Could I recommend a book? It's called how to do everything andbe happy by peter Jones. He gets you to list your goals but spilt them up into things to do before you die, and things you want in your life right now - more how do you want your life to be. Also you really have to think about why you think those things will make you happy. I dropped uite a lot of my own goals because I realised that actually they wernt that important to me but it was mre keeping up with the Joneses, or what I thought I should like. Then you create your own goals so you measure your success by your own measure, not by what everyone else on facebook is doing. Does that make sense?

perhaps if you focus more on others and less on you, if you share your skills, wisdom, wealth without expecting anything in return, your question might be answered. Who knows, what have you got to lose?

I already do all this already. I volunteer regularly, have done for years and even in that role have achieved a high status in the volunteering community. I also mentor women within my work. I do a lot of free work as well where people can't pay but are deserving and free teaching/lecturing to younger/more experienced within my job. It's great when you get feedback that something you've done lead to another person succeeding or getting rid of their issue but it's a momentary blip of happiness.

If I listed here openly everything about my life (barring the missing bf) I guarantee you would be utterly perplexed about how it was that I wasn't happy. I'm mystified too. I'm really truly not aware of the problem and I'm not at all ungrateful. I am very aware I am lucky but it just doesn't click into place in my brain.

I've never heard of it but the hedonic treadmill sounds exactly what this is - but not everyone is on that right? Some people are happy. how do you get off it?

Thanks redexpat that sounds a helpful book.
I think now though my only goal left is "get a kind and decent loving partner" and "be content".

I'm not sure it's something you can "plan for" in the same way you might have a career plan.

I wonder if some therapy might help you? also meditation.

How do you get off it?

Find out.

You have to discover this answer.

The answer is not outside of you it is within. You have always looked outside of your self to satisfy your self. It hasn't worked!! Go in the opposite direction.

Honestly, as others have said, find a good counsellor. They will help you reframe things and find a space where you can find your own answers. You don't need to be in crisis to benefit from taking time away from your treadmill. It's worth it.

For me, happiness came after I had lost everything.

I was very unhappy for a very long time. Awful relationship, terrible job as a teacher... I spent a long time not being me.

Soon after I rectified those situations, I was still unhappy. I was in debt, no job, shitty dates too...

It wasn't until that point, that moment right there where I had no money, no job, nothing that I pulled my socks up and did what I could to keep myself from sliding further down the rabbit hole.

I did home workouts. They boosted my mood. Improved my fitness and my health. So I soon became grateful for that.

I eventually got a low paid part time job that was quite physical. Lovely family company. I loved it.

I went to live with my DSis and looked after my nephews. Took them to school, sorted their uniforms, helped with their homework, made them tea when their mum was at work. This undoubtedly made it for me - there is nothing more humbling than looking after kids. That responsibility and the rewards that come with it.

I met a lovely man. Who is still my DP and we have a DS together.

I meditated every day and appreciated what I had. Small things became important little treats. I finally appreciated the value of things around me. Of my family. Of money. Of my health.

It all came into perspective.

I highly recommend meditating. It really helped create some calm and perspective.
Quite often we get so distracted by what other people SAY is success. We get distracted by society's idea of happiness.
When really, you need to think about what makes YOU happy. Do you really need a high powered job to be happy? Do you really need someone else to be happy? Or do you need to shift your perspective and realise that money and success do not equate to happiness...

I see lots of successes and goals achieved in your life OP, but it sounds like what you are really lacking is friends. Close emotional bonds with a small handful of people. I honestly think that this is the X factor that is missing from your otherwise “perfect” life. I actually think this is as important a factor in your happiness as a boyfriend. I suspect that in wanting a boyfriend, you are also really seeking him to also fulfil the best friend role which you are also lacking. How you forge those emotional connections is quite another matter... (I wish I knew...). Just my tuppence worth!

Life is the journey not a destination.

Small things in a day is what life is made of.

Really be who you are and do what you want not what you think you should be doing.

Read “fk it” (that’s the actual title....with the ). The first 1/3 of the book is ‘I’d be happy if........”

Do you have children OP? I'm by no means saying children make everything better, and without them you could be missing something, but for me, I felt the exact same as you pre kids. Now 2 dds later, I'm way too exhausted and preoccupied to try and perfect the little things in life, and I'm so much happier for it. I was always looking for the next thing to fulfil my life. I would look for flaws and issues, so I had something to resolve, it was never ending. I used to say to my partner "If I do/have/buy X, I know I'll be 100% happy as I won't have anything to be unhappy about!".... and I truly believed that at the time, but it never happened.
I spent a few years doing up our old house, and that seemed to give me a focus for quite a while and was very rewarding actually, could this be something that interests you, property development? I think having a big time consuming focus would potentially help you. Learning new skills, and doing things independently is always rewarding. It became quite an obsession for me, but is say a healthy one, as I got alot of joy out of it. I personally think these behaviours stem from having a "perfectionist" personality teamed with boredom. You find a "fault" or something you want to achieve... MUST achieve, and fixate on it so much, that it takes over the majority of your time and you spend so much energy thinking about it that you genuinely do see it as the only problem you have, and once it's resolved life will be perfect. I lived with this train of thought for years but unlike you I massively underachieved career wise as my perfectionism wouldn't allow me to push myself out of my comfort zone and "risk" failure at anything. I stayed in the same job for years just because I could do it so well... almost "perfectly". Since children I've realised life is never perfect, and I've became so much more confident knowing this. Do you have any hobbies? Maybe join a group/sport/local hobby, something you've never done before, to push yourself out of your comfort zone and try something new? Could be a great opportunity to meet new people. x

I think 8Fencingwire is spot on.

Your ideas of success are all very materialistic, all about how you look, how much you earn and your job status. Even when you talk of volunteering you talk of YOUR high status in the volunteering community. It's all a bit 'me, me, me'.

We are social creatures by nature and our true measurement of success is measured by our relationships with others, by our compassion and service to others. Giving of yourself without counting the cost (I don't mean monetary cost). When you do this others will respond to your nature and it is then that you will develop more meaningful relationships that will fulfill you.

It's great that you are feeling how you do at the mo because it shows you are ready for personal growith and recognise the need for fulfillment outside of material 'success'.

• growth not growith.

Stop searching for the perfect life and start living a happy life.

You know, it's a really interesting question/topic. For a long time I was the same. I would get bored at work, bored with life! I wasn't necessarily unhappy but I wasn't content. I had children young (and later ended up a single parent) so by the time I was 40 they were basically grown up and I was alone. I went on holiday to Japan and fell in love with the place. I went back a few times more, once I stayed longer and actually learnt some of the language. I made some changes to be able to work remotely. Now I spend 4-6 months a year there. I've even built up a friendship group there. Now I would say I am content because I enjoy my time is this country because I know I have an "escape" for part of the year. And I love my time there.

Ok that's a bit of a drastic option and not for everyone! But my point is that actually I think people are wrong when they say you can't find that happiness outside yourself. Sometimes you can! I have always hated the treadmill nature of life. I wish I could be content with it like so many people can but I can't. This new lifestyle suits me perfectly.

The same effect can be achieved on a smaller scale. I have a friend who adores cooking and once a year she goes abroad to take various courses in cooking in different countries. I have another friend who is really into amateur dramatics and does that a couple of times a week and they put on various shows. It's about finding your passion. I don't see mention of any passions in any of your posts.

They've done numerous studies to measure happiness and they often conclude that happiness comes from "experiences" rather than from anything material or work related. Start thinking about what you would like to experience, rather than what you want to attain or achieve.