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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help. I'm a mess. How can I be happy?

50 replies

BlueishHueOfBlue · 17/02/2019 15:59

Recently I've hit a whole bunch of goals I've wanted for a long time.
I hated my nose, got very subtle plastic surgery and looks great.
I saved up for veneers on my teeth - again looks great, happy with result.
Lost a lot of weight and got really fit.
I got a huge qualification at work that I'd worked for my whole life (made a consultant).
Made a lot of money and paid off my mortgage.

What I've learnt from each of these is that each time I thought "if I get this/do this" my life will be perfect but the fact is after each thing nothing really changed. My life is the same. I'm the same person.

I have few friends and have been single for along time. I keep thinking that if I got a partner/bf who loved me THEN I'd be happy - but I know based on past experience this is just nonsense. Basically I've made my life perfect (or at least perfect for me) save for being single but I'm still not happy. Getting a bf won't make it any better but I feel like I'm incomplete some how.

What's wrong with me? Why am I so unsatisfied? It's not that I'm ungrateful because I realise I'm lucky. It's more that every time I think this will make my life perfect and it doesn't. I'm just the same unhappy person with one less thing to worry about.

What makes people contented?Why don't I have it and how can I find it?

OP posts:
noego · 18/02/2019 16:57

@asta

I understand where you are coming from. But it is not permanent is it? In Truth this world is all impermanence.
We are (hopefully) talking about a permanent solution. If one is happy, happy. Then it doesn't matter where they are or what they're doing. They are just happy. Or if you like in permanent joy. There is no need to seek it anywhere.

Clutterbugsmum · 18/02/2019 17:06

Recently I've hit a whole bunch of goals I've wanted for a long time.
I hated my nose, got very subtle plastic surgery and looks great.
I saved up for veneers on my teeth - again looks great, happy with result.
Lost a lot of weight and got really fit.
I got a huge qualification at work that I'd worked for my whole life (made a consultant). Made a lot of money and paid off my mortgage.

So you made lots of changes to what other people see when they look at you, but you haven't change your mind set. And until you have therapy and look inside yourself, and change they way you think and what you want you will never be happy.

Asta19 · 18/02/2019 17:17

@noego

I understand what you're saying. I just don't think it's possible for "everyone". A bit like a personality trait I guess. You have it or you don't. I don't think it can be learned. Or again, not by everyone. OP may be able to learn it or she may waste years and £££'s on therapy and get nowhere! We don't know.

Plenty of people suggested therapy so I thought I'd just provide an alternate view. FWIW I have had therapy and it didn't help! So I may be biased!

noego · 18/02/2019 18:06

@Asta

When you've been in Japan have you ever spent time with the Zen monks?

Have a look at this video. It is about going beyond...............

springydaff · 19/02/2019 01:31

How's your spiritual life op?

Itsallpointless · 19/02/2019 06:51

Hi OP, a PP mentioned connections. I 100% agree with this. In many respects I identify with you. I had a days annual leave yesterday, and was clearing out my bedroom. I looked at all this ‘stuff’ I had, shoes/clothes/perfume/lotions and potions, you know the thing. I have, over the years, bought all this ‘stuff’ thinking it would make me happier, er NO it hasn’t.

The thing that makes me happiest is being with someone I care about and know they care about me. That’s not necessarily a significant other either. Just a deep connection. I lost my mum 6 years ago and my sister nearly 3 years ago, both very deep connections, I am single and I’m lost. So, in my opinion, and experience, I would say connections are paramount to our mental well-being.

toosadx · 19/02/2019 07:26

I read a book recently called Lost Connections, you must get find it helpful. Do you manage to get out in nature? Gardening, pets, all help.

Girlintheframe · 19/02/2019 07:30

There are a lot of good replies to your OP.
You need to look within. ‘Stuff’ does not bring happiness neither does reaching ‘goals’ Yes they bring a sense of achievement, accomplishment and fleeting feelings of happiness. But true long term happiness is to do with gratitude and contentment. Maybe have a look at nurturing your mental health/spiritual side. Things like a gratitude diary, meditation, yoga, being in nature etc can all help you connect with what your truly feel and enhance your sense of well-being and joy.

Cyberworrier · 19/02/2019 07:42

I think you need to read up on mindfulness and being in the moment. Yoga good for that. Also getting a dog or cat if you are able!
If you truly are struggling to be happy and have been for years I would consider talking to someone professionally, as there may be an underlying root as to why you keep trying to ‘fix’ yourself. Also to have someone to talk through your thoughts with. I’m sure you will be able to find a decent and loving partner but it will be much easier when you have worked on your issues a bit.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 19/02/2019 07:56

You’ve identified for yourself that the thing that is still missing is a partner, and it sounds like close friendships are also absent for you at the moment. What do you feel those would add to your life if they were present?

For me, an emotional connection gives a space where I can be myself, experience real communication in both directions, and learn more about myself from the feedback I get from that other person. When that’s not been present at times in my life I have had therapy and that position has been filled by my counsellor while I make changes in my life to get closer to where I want to be.

Butterymuffin · 19/02/2019 07:59

Read the Derren Brown book Happy.

wishywashy6 · 19/02/2019 07:59

Contentment and happiness for me comes from the little things. Nothing to do with how I look, or what I own.
Sitting with my children and laughing about something stupid or taking a walk with them and watching them explore or taking a road trip with my best friends and singing along at the top of our voices to something cheesy or just spending the day with my horses.
I think for me it's just about stepping back and appreciating what is right in front of me rather than wanting something more.
I don't feel the need to chase anything because all the things that make me smile are here.
I have a boyfriend yes and, while I love him and he does contribute towards my happiness, I was happy before him and I'd be happy without him so I'd agree you can't look to a man to provide the happiness and contentment you're craving.
When do you feel most at peace?

higgyhog · 19/02/2019 10:45

OP, I have similar feelings to you. I have been having counselling and am now coming to the end of the course after 8 weeks. I went in thinking I had one big relationship problems and lots of little niggling ones about my family. I will be coming out knowing some things about myself I never would have imagined. I have always labelled myself as a bit prone to risky slightly wild behaviour but in reality it has been to achieve greater security and more options rather than for the reasons I had imagined.

I have quite a few of the things that you want, and don't have some of the things that you have. My physical imperfections will remain unfixed because I really don't want to spend money on them, I have an OK job (qualified to Masters level) I have been married for many years , quite happily and have two grown up lovely sons. I also feel that despite the fact my life seems perfect I am hollow inside.

I don't have many close friends, and not much of a social life which I feel is part of the problem. I'm also bored a lot of the time. My life is choc full of work, creative hobbies, outings etc. etc. but I'm still bored. If you google "habits of unhappy people" you can find lists of all sorts of things that we do that make us unhappy, I'm a bit prone to some of the worst. I'm not sure what the answer is, if I find out in my last tow sessions i'll let you know!

Misty9 · 19/02/2019 12:37

You've had lots of good advice here so the only thing I would add is to think about what your values are. There is a whole values based approach (ACT) but firstly think about what is important to you; what do those whom you look up to appear to hold in high regard? There will be lists of values if you Google it but the less in line with your values you are living, the less fulfilled you will feel. It can be helpful to consider what you enjoyed as a child, what makes you feel alive, what you would regret on your death bed. All those kind of things. And I agree with the mindfulness/meditation suggestions too. I.could recommend loads of books but pp have listed a fair few so I won't unless you want more Smile

tickertyboo · 19/02/2019 16:39

This is going to sound unhelpful and I don't mean it to. I developed inner peace after a great deal of suffering. I wouldn't want to wish what I went through on anyone, but life will, at some point, throw things at you and those things will change you for the better.

As others have suggested, get outside more and look at what is around you. I take great pleasure these days looking at the sky and the birds. Also, remember we are all connected. You sound a little disconnected from others. You will feel better if you put others before your own goals and needs.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 19/02/2019 19:41

Three things, OP:

First: therapy.

Second: you have no idea how other people are feeling. Most of us pretend some of the time; many of us pretend most of the time; more than would care to admit feel they're imposters.

Third: happiness is overrated. But you only find this out when you stop chasing it. And you only stop chasing it when you realise it isn't what you think it means - and realise it happens upon you at times, but it isn't a state you attain.

Lifeisabeach09 · 19/02/2019 19:56

If you're a mess, OP, god help the rest of us.
You seem to equate success with happiness, they are not always synonymous.
Agree with OPs, who said that happiness are feelings we experience at certain times in our lives, even on a daily basis, but not every moment of the day for the rest of lives. Hope that makes sense.

Dickensnovel · 19/02/2019 20:15

My experience has been much the same as tickertyboo's, above. And I do find it helpful to meditate on gratitude. Actually we all have so many things we can be grateful for! Have you ever tried writing for 10 mins. at the end of each day only on the good things that have happened that day, or that you noticed? It actually does help.... Flowers

One could be all these people who are trying to help a perfect stranger here on Mumsnet!

Closetbeanmuncher · 19/02/2019 20:37

If you had only 7 days left to live how would you want to spend it?

That should point you in the right direction..

I can pretty much guarantee it wouldnt be any sort of resemblance to the things or short term goals you've mentioned.

A relationship won't change anything

If you can you should volunteer in a country that is totally impoverished. I think it would change your perspective and completely turn things around for you.

noego · 19/02/2019 20:52

"You should sit in nature for 20 minutes a day...unless you're busy, then you sit for an hour.

Zen saying.

Robin2323 · 19/02/2019 21:13

I read this somewhere.
You can only be happy in the moment.
So if you say I will be happy when I - in the future - it will never come because you are in the moment - not happy until it comes.
Even when it comes there is something Else - in the future.

By being kind to people now makes you happy because it's keeps you in the moment.

I also like to say 'I'm happy for no reason. I'm just happy. Calm and content.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 19/02/2019 21:57

Can you slow right down from time to time? Enjoy the little things...the sunset or the storm, flowers in a garden, a nice glass of wine, the feeling of the rain on your skin.

You have achieved so much and presumably made many sacrifices to get there, but all we really have is the breath in our lungs right now, so we need to slow down and just savour the moment sometimes. Being content with the now.

Prettyvase · 19/02/2019 22:16

How often to you giggle or laugh op?

How often are you silly with others and who do you care about and who do you love?

What makes your heart sing?

And what do you look forward to on a daily, weekly, monthly basis and in the future?

The answers to these questions fill my life with joy, meaning and purpose.

Love and appreciation and gratitude in all its forms and applied to every thing and everywhere.

Itsallpointless · 19/02/2019 23:43

I think this is a great thread! So many kind words, such good advice.

Jaspermcsween · 20/02/2019 04:48

Beautiful thread. So many kind suggestions.
What’s your thoughts, OP?

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