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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Letter saying my boyfriend cheated

39 replies

becklostit · 17/02/2019 15:45

Hi, I hope someone can give me their view on this.

I had a letter in the post saying that my boyfriend has been cheating on me. The letter says that it's from the boyfriend of the woman he has been cheating with. Not many people have our address and we aren't on the electoral roll or anything. This guy says it has been going on for ages but doesn't offer any evidence or way to contact him. He gave the name of the girl and her phone number so I could confront her but I've never heard of her and haven't been able to find her on social media. I've tried calling the number but it just goes to voicemail. My boyfriend says it's rubbish and is angry that I'm even paying attention to it. He says we must have really pissed someone off and completely denies cheating or knowing a girl with that name. I'm inclined to believe him because I've never even remotely suspected him of cheating and there just isn't any evidence. The thing that bugs me though is the fact that someone has gone to this effort and knows where we live.

OP posts:
funkylittleboatrace · 17/02/2019 15:54

If you think he's telling the truth why post?,deep down you know it may be true right?.

SonataDentata · 17/02/2019 16:46

In my experience, these types of messages tend to be true (apart from very occasionally when someone may be trying to stir up trouble for one or both of you). I know someone who told a woman that her boyfriend was cheating (the messenger had incontrovertible evidence that she’d come across by chance - think seeing them kissing in a hotel bar or similar) but the woman didn’t believe the message and is still with him. I’d keep a very close eye on your boyfriend if I were you.

crappyday2018 · 17/02/2019 16:56

This is very weird. Try calling the number again and hiding your ID. If it is the OW, she may have blocked you or is just ignoring you. If it is truth, this woman will know she's been found out so will be avoiding your calls and her boyfriend may even have told her that he's passed on her number.
Of course it may be lies but I don't think I would be willing to just accept that and leave it.

QatEx · 17/02/2019 16:57

There are quite a few threads on here with people asking what to do when they know someone is cheating. A good majority say writing a letter is best as it doesn't get the messenger shot but they've done right by the person being cheated on. As a PP said what would the motivation be for someone to do this? Many people wouldn't go out of their way to write a letter unless there was a reason...
Does the letter give further details or how you DP supposedly knows OW?

SparklyMagpie · 17/02/2019 16:57

Could be lies but often more than not it's truthful

If you've spoken to your boyfriend, there's a chance he's let her know, hence you not getting through

SpiritedLondon · 17/02/2019 17:11

Oh the advice is always to send an anonymous letter - although obviously he has outed himself somewhat here by saying he’s her boyfriend. See what torture it is when you do it this way? Drives the recipient insane trying to piece it together. She’s probably not going to answer any unknown or withheld numbers so I would ask your boyfriend to call from his phone in front of you or use his phone and call yourself. Take it from there. ( NB. I love the way your BF said “ we’ve” obviously pissed someone off - completely roping you in to it)

toomanyofthemnow · 17/02/2019 17:19

On the other hand, the letter could have come from an abusive nutter with trust issues who thinks his GF is having an affair, and has plucked your dp out of thin air, maybe from a previous job, or facebook comments or friend-of-friend or something. Or a random neighbour.
Or it isn't from a man at all, but from someone who fancies your dp and wants to cause trouble and split you up. .

crappyday2018 · 17/02/2019 17:20

Also OP, if he has been cheating then he's a cheat and a liar. He's not just gonna come clean now is he? Especially as an anonymous letter with no evidence is so easy to dismiss.
If someone wrote a letter accusing me of cheating and was lies, I would be foaming angry and determined to find out who sent it and why. Has he been like this?

katy78 · 17/02/2019 17:21

She may have blocked you on social media - can you create a fake account and search for her, or ask a friend to search?

katy78 · 17/02/2019 17:22

Also try searching her number on google and on Facebook (not on your account)

IncrediblySadToo · 17/02/2019 17:26

Did he use your boyfriend’s name? If not, it could be the wrong address.

TooOldForThis67 · 17/02/2019 17:27

Pretend everything is ok and when you get a chance, call the number from his phone.
Keep a close eye on him. Put a tracker in his car.
Is your b/f acting guilty? Is he acting any different at all?

hopeful31yrs · 17/02/2019 17:36

Add the number to your contacts on the phone and check her picture on WhatsApp. You can then see if it's an active number at least depending on whether she has it

Brightburn · 17/02/2019 18:13

You should of typed the number in your partner's phone and see if it came up... rookie error telling him.

LaughingCow99 · 17/02/2019 18:30

Check out the boyfriend on Facebook if she isn't there.

Could she be on LinkedIn?

AstralTraveller · 17/02/2019 18:45

You have shot your bolt somewhat OP. You will have to play a long game now. He was never going to just cough to this. Snoop and track I guess as a PP has said. You will have to paint on a game face though or he will realise you are on to him. Check for another phone in his car.

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/02/2019 18:52

I agree @Brightburn why on earth would you ask him op?

Call the number from one of your friends phones and have a look for her on social media.

If the person didn't name names I would say possibly shit stirring but the writer has named the person tells me otherwise

BirdieInTheHand · 17/02/2019 18:56

Get him to call the number from his phone then hand the phone to you. One of the reactions will tell you if he's being truthful

justmeandthisstateifmind · 17/02/2019 19:29

Save the number and see if on WhatsApp ??

MiniTheMinx · 17/02/2019 20:09

It's probably a bit late, but the thing to have done was get hold of BF phone and to have rung her number from it.

Original poster
becklostit · 17/02/2019 20:21

I just wasn't thinking and my immediate reaction was to question him and show him the letter. He is named but I can't find him online. I suppose not everyone is online and some people dont use their full names or use a nickname. I'm going to install a tracker on his phone i think. Thank you all for your help. I hope this is nothing but a trouble maker but I am starting to have a bad feeling about it. Its a huge amount of effort for someone to go to without a very good reason

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/02/2019 20:25

I'm going to install a tracker on his phone i think.

If he finds out about that, expect your relationship to be over even if he hasn't cheated. And it's not the most legal of activities...

Capricornandproud · 17/02/2019 22:10

OP. Its possibly the other woman doing it herself... the only instances I’ve heard of something like that is where the OW anonymously left a letter on a car. Men are way more confrontational.

Without saying anything more to your boyfriend, you’ll need to try a few things. His mobile bills if you can get them may show a most dialled number; the whatsapp suggestions were great; but you should have demanded his phone there and then to type that number in. I would be tracking him via phone and his car or hiring a PI but that’s me. I would need proof.

QatEx · 18/02/2019 08:36

@becklostit if you both have iPhones you can setup family sharing which can also show locations...perhaps a better way than planting a tracker.

Redbus1030 · 18/02/2019 10:07

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

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