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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Possible to break cycle or carry on as usual?

30 replies

Happynothappy · 17/02/2019 14:23

First time poster, been married to dh for 25 years, met when i was 17, 3dcs. My dh has always drunk quite regular, not anymore throughout the week but binge drinks at weekends, either at home or pub. Dh can go out for a few hours doesnt stay out late often but in those few hours drinks as many pints as he can (last night a bottle of wine and 6 cans in 3hrs), hes aware that sometimes hes not nice through drinking as in annoying, other times he falls asleep snoring, next day hes always over nice. Im seriously thinking about leaving eventhough this has been on going for years im just at the point where im fed up of his drinking. Any advice would be greatly received, thanks.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/02/2019 14:25

It's time

Original poster

Happynothappy · 17/02/2019 14:46

Does that sound like too much alcohol in that space or time or am i being daft? Im sure its got to be too much. Anyone else with problems with partners drinking?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/02/2019 17:28

Yes, it is far too much. But not just the amount....it's the mindset behind getting as much alcohol in as short a time as possible

You need some support, love. Real life support...have you considered contacting Al-anon ?

Original poster

Happynothappy · 18/02/2019 07:22

After i long chat last night, telling him how i feel and how we can't carry on like this hes saying he will stop drinking altogether and he feels ashamed, to be honest weve been here alot of times before, lets hope this time he means it and is able to. Its not him having a drink im uncomfortable with its how much he consumes at a time. Ive told him that our youngest dc has noticed how much hes having and that really seems to have hit home with him, thanks for your advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Happynothappy · 18/02/2019 07:23

Ive suggested he gets help but he says he can stop without help

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2019 07:33

Like many posts of this type its mainly about him. What about you and your kids in all this?. You met this person when you were 17 and had no life experience behind you.

You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.
He won't be able to stop without help and he does not want help. You cannot do anything here to help him, not that he wants your help or support. You can only help your own self ultimately and contacting Al-anon would be useful to you (as well as making properly laid out plans to leave him).

You also need to get off the merry go around because you are really as caught up in his drinking as he is with you still playing the roles associated with such spouses (those being his codependent partner, enabler and provoker). Talking to an alcoholic (and probably in your case yet again) about their drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. What are you still getting out of this relationship now?. Is this really the role model you want to be showing your DC?.

Your children are noticing his drinking as well as your reactions to same. Do not ever think they are too young to not notice anything.

NotTheFordType · 18/02/2019 07:35

he says he can stop without help

OK, so what has he done so far to stop drinking?

justilou1 · 18/02/2019 07:39

Have you tried videoing him when he’s shitfaced? Show him the evidence and let him know that this is why you don’t want to hang around.

Original poster

Happynothappy · 18/02/2019 07:48

Yes ive videoed him in the past and he got embarrassed, sad really but ive been so used to it and a close family member of mine is an alcolic and also someone close to my dh. I can't imagine life not with him but i think its mainly due to being with him since such a young age. Hes a great father and provider its just the drinking thats the issue, i pointed out how would he feel if it was me who binged drinked and he said he would hate it,so hes fully aware but yes im sure he needs professional help.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2019 08:13

You grew up seeing an alcoholic family member so I am not altogether surprised that you yourself went on to choose an alcoholic for a partner too and at 17 too. Alcoholism can indeed also be learnt and your DH learnt this from his own family.

You have spent most of your adult life with him so change to you is difficult to imagine. Do you really want history to repeat itself with your children seeing their dad drinking to excess whilst watching and learning from your reactions at the same time?. Sadly no-one bothered to protect you from this relative but that was then and this is now with you in the driving seat this time around. They do not have to see this and nor for that matter do you now.

Women in poor relationships often write the "good dad" comment because they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. He may well provide (that also shows me how low your relationship bar is here in that many people provide for their families) but he is NOT a great father to his children nor a husband to you because his primary relationship is with drink. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from. He will not seek professional help and will in any case need to seek that without any input from you. He is showing no indications at all that he wants to seek help at this time from the likes of AA.

He could well go onto lose everything and everyone around him and could still choose to drink afterwards. There are really no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism.

Original poster

Happynothappy · 18/02/2019 08:35

@attilathemeerkat, your words are spot on, i just feel like its 'not good enough to stay but not bad enough to leave' if that makes sense! I know deep down if it continues then we are done as its really affecting how i feel towards him, i feel guilty for our kids seeing him drunk as a 'normal' thing dad does, luckily our eldest who is old enough to drink isn't keen on alcohol, would hate for my dcs to become excessive drinkers. Ive got some serious decision making to do, apart from the drinking my dc can be quite patronising towards me at times and thats when hes sober! So not just the alcohol thats causing problems, i hate arguing and i let too many things slip by as i hate confrontation, maybe we could do with some counselling.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2019 09:02

You really do need to attend Al-anon meetings, at the very least you should be contacting them by phone and need to be reading their literature. Do not ever enter into any form of joint counselling with your H; it will be a waste of time. Counselling for your own self could be helpful to you.

And what you write of is indeed bad enough to leave. You've repeatedly thought about leaving him and you are fed up with his drinking.

Re your eldest child:-
"i feel guilty for our kids seeing him drunk as a 'normal' thing dad does, luckily our eldest who is old enough to drink isn't keen on alcohol, would hate for my dcs to become excessive drinkers"

There are red flags here already and its not just that you need to be worried about. Either child could go onto choose an alcoholic as a partner themselves or become super responsible as people (itself a damaging character trait). Read about how alcohol affects families and characteristics of adult children of alcoholics; if that in itself does not cause you to sit up properly and take notice then nothing will. It could well be your childrens patronising behaviours towards you comes from their dad because he is mirroring that to them when it comes to you. That's also what they are learning from him about relationships too. Some legacy that is to leave them.

No-one sadly ever thought it necessary to protect you from your relative's drinking but you as I stated earlier are really in the driving seat now when it comes to your children. Make better choices for them going forward than the people in your life did. They do not need or warrant a drunkard for a father in their lives, they really do not.

Original poster

Happynothappy · 18/02/2019 09:19

Sorry i was meant to say my dh is patronising, not dc, my dcs are so loving.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2019 09:29

They seeing your DH being patronising towards you may well be behaviour they come to repeat with either you or their future partner. Again they are learning damaging lessons about relationships here.

Original poster

Happynothappy · 18/02/2019 09:51

I know your right, i feel really bad when i think about the lasting effects on our dcs, its just so hard when you've been together all this time to think about not being with him. I need to take a long hard look at our relationship and if the drinking does carry on i guess its the end of the road for us

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2019 10:35

Happy

Its already the end of the road. Your heart just needs to catch up with what your brain is already thinking here. Your heart must not over rule your head particularly when it comes to your DC here.

Original poster

Happynothappy · 18/02/2019 14:14

Hes taken the first step and rung AA, guess time will tell, hes never seeked help before this is the first time.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 18/02/2019 15:32

Sorry OP I don't think it will work, he is doing this because YOU have basically forced him into it; it never came from him so for that reason, I don't think he will stick to it.

And it will be affecting your kids, sometimes one child goes completely off the drink and sometimes the other gets the same habit, it's their norm (when grown up).

He is drinking to excess, it doesn't have to be every night etc.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2019 15:38

Any coercion from family members (and he will see it as coercion) will not work. Unless he wants to address the reasons as well why he is drinking to excess there is really no-one who can help him. He can only help his own self ultimately.

I think you are on a hiding to nothing here with him.

TowelNumber42 · 18/02/2019 15:38

Get your head into the right place now. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Hope he stays sober from this moment forward.

Plan for when he starts drinking again. Get your head round leaving. Know how you will do it. Know your rights, see a solicitor now, be ready.

Original poster

Happynothappy · 18/02/2019 16:02

Thanks for the advice, hes saying hes feeling ashamed and admits hes got an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and after speaking to someone from AA he realises he is an alcohloic, he seems positive at the moment i know he will struggle come the weekends especially if im out at work. He knows ill support him anyway i can so now if he wants us to remain together its down to his actions.

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 18/02/2019 18:32

Have you looked into going to Al-Anon for yourself now?

Original poster

Happynothappy · 18/02/2019 18:47

I sent an email this morning and have a number to call which i plan on doing.

OP posts:

justilou1 · 19/02/2019 12:36

Now the trick is not to let him make YOU feel guilty and ashamed for making HIM feel guilty and ashamed. This is his drinking problem and only he can deal with the consequences.

Original poster

Happynothappy · 19/02/2019 14:16

Upto now hes the one feeling ashamed and apologising to me, if that changes there no way ill take any of the blame.

OP posts:

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