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Original poster

How do I move on from this mess?

41 replies

NobodySleeps · 17/02/2019 13:07

I am going to try to be a vague as possible because If my husband saw this he would know who I am, and also, I am sure people do not want me going into graphic detail regarding my sexlife!

My Husband and I have always talked about this certain sexual fantasy, talked about it for years, then one night made the decision to go ahead and do it, before we did it we talked more about it, we agreed that we would do it once and if one or both of us did not like it we would never do it again, I was under the impression that this was something we both wanted to try.

Anyway, we did it one night, afterwards we talked about it and he told me he enjoyed it and would like to do it again, we ended up doing it a further three times, then my Husband left me one day, He went to work and didn't come home, chosing to stay with his parents.

At first he would not tell me why he left, then said that he didn't love me anymore and we were not on the same page regarding the sex thing, now he was saying he felt forced to do something he didn't want to do and he only did it because he thought it was what I wanted.

Basically a decision we both made has now been turned around onto me and I am being blamed for it all, the sad thing is there was nothing at all wrong with our sexlife to start with.

He is now telling me that he can never look at me in the same way after what we did, this is after us talking it through before we did it and me telling him I was scared he would judge me or it would change things in our relationship, I was told at that time that it would not change anything and he would rather me be open and honest about what I want sexually.

I feel like I am being punished for a decision we made together.

How do I move on from this? If I go on to meet somebody else in the future I am now scared to communicate about sex and what I like etc, I now feel like I am just going to be judged, and there will always be that fear that they will just leave me, I can now never be sure if someone wants to do something or is just going along with it to please me, I thought we went about it the correct way by talking everything through instead of just rushing into it.

OP posts:
CharlyAngelic · 17/02/2019 13:54

Sounds like you talked it through thorough thoroughly beforehand. You could not do more .
It sounds like he regrets it now.
Could you get counselling?
If not , you just have to accept it .
As for new relationships, you have already had your fantasy, do YOU want to repeat it ?

MumsyJ · 17/02/2019 13:58

Firstly OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through currently.

Don't ever agree to any man's fantasy. It always is an avenue for cheating/ breakups. You might have thought you were aiming to please him, but see how it's turned out.

All I can advise:- lesson learned. In the future, if any man even brings up the topic of some shitty fantasy, look at your experience in retrospect and stand YOUR GROUND by saying NO and meaning it! Best to lose a shit bag than your self worth.

Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 17/02/2019 14:08

am sure people do not want me going into graphic detail regarding my sexlife

To be honest i find it really hard to get a handle on this without knowing what happened/what the act or fantasy was.

Is it really that identifiable, I'd he really likely to be on Mumsnet?

Anyway, it seems highly hypocritical and unreasonable to agree to try s fantasy, day you enjoyed it, proceed to do it 3 more times and then say your feelings have changed, blame the other person, and apparently end a marriage (!) I wonder if it's an excuse and there's something else.

Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 17/02/2019 14:12

Seriously the only thing I can think he of that would be in relationship/marriage ending territory would be cuckolding/mmf threesome - but I still think it is unfair and unreasonable to go ahead, do it 4 times (!) and then blame the other person and want to end the relationship.

YogaWannabe · 17/02/2019 14:18

It’s hard to grasp without the full picture.

I think pretty much no matter what it is, the fact you both decided and talked absolutely it it makes him wrong surely? It is it something that was taken too far maybe? Beyond what was discussed?

RNBrie · 17/02/2019 14:21

I had a boyfriend do this once. Wanted to try anal sex, i wasnt sure, we talked about it on and off and then did it. He went for a shower, changed and left. Said afterwards that I'd made him commit sodomy and he was worried he was going to hell. Never saw him again... some people are just weird.

Sorry that this doesn't help you OP, it all sounds very complicated and unfair. Maybe he will come around after he's had a chance to process it all...

Original poster
NobodySleeps · 17/02/2019 14:27

Iownmanyleatherboundbooks you are on the right lines, I don't mind telling people what happened I just thought people would not want to know the details.

We did involve another man, my husband is bisexual, It was not a threesome, I never got involved, I did watch. He was bisexual long before we met 21 years ago, he never pushed to be with another man whilst he was with me, but we talked about it a lot as a fantasy. The fantasy turned into a reality and now here we are.

OP posts:
Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 17/02/2019 14:28

@RNBrie - I hope I don't offend you but that was so ridiculous it was funny.

Like something out if a really black comedy.
He sounds like a total loon - if it took that to highlight it, well ...

YogaWannabe · 17/02/2019 14:31

So he was with the other guy? You weren’t?
Sounds like he feels ashamed/guilty maybe? If it was his first time

Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 17/02/2019 14:31

@Nobodysleeps - to me he's being a complete hypocritical & unreasonable. You discussed it thoroughly, he said he enjoyed it after the first time and went on to do it 3 more times (!)

I feel like he's using it as an excuse for ending the relationship/marriage.

Maybe some bisexual posters can give some insight here, I don't know.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2019 14:32

Turning this type of fantasy into reality rarely turns out well

Life isn't a porn shoot, as much as some people think it is

MumsyJ · 17/02/2019 14:34

@RNBrie is he for real 😳. What a weirdo he is!

ukgift2016 · 17/02/2019 14:35

This is about a man battling his sexualitily. It has nothing to do with you OP.

Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 17/02/2019 14:36

(moreover to me it's a bit of a joke that you weren't even active in the situation, and you're still getting blamed by him for it. If you'd been the one getting your rocks off, being intimate with someone else in front of him etc. I could understand how that might mess with someone's head later (even if they agreed at the time) but you weren't. If imagine you actually got relatively little sexual stimulation/gratification out of it, if sounds more like getting pleasure by watching him get pleasure.

Maybe he is not at peace with the homosexual side to his bisexuality (if that makes any sense) and can't bear being in an intimate relationship with someone who's seen it, in person as well.bug that's just my theory.

RNBrie · 17/02/2019 14:36

@Iownmanyleatherboundbooks not offended at all. Its funny to me now too, at the time I was young and pretty gutted, we'd been together about a year. I now think he did it on purpose to set me up and give him a reason to leave that would be all my fault. He was a twat in many other ways too.

OP it sounds like your dh is very conflicted and I strongly suspect this is nothing to do with you, you're just collateral damage. sorry Sad

AnyFucker · 17/02/2019 14:37

Was the bloke he fucked the same one every time?

He wants to start a relationship with him

Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 17/02/2019 14:38

This is about a man battling his sexualitily. It has nothing to do with you OP.

A much more to the point version of my waffling.

CharlyAngelic · 17/02/2019 14:40

Do not blame yourself. Sounds like he has moved on without you in the picture.

HollowTalk · 17/02/2019 14:42

He's realised he doesn't want to sleep with women any more and he's blaming you for that!

LlamaPjama · 17/02/2019 14:46

I'm guessing your husband is gay...

Charley50 · 17/02/2019 14:48

I'm guessing he's discovered he's gay too. And blaming you due to guilt.

Kittykat93 · 17/02/2019 14:55

Yeah I think he fancies this other guy.

PopcornPopPop · 17/02/2019 15:00

Bisexual here: Sleeping with a man doesn’t mean he’s turned gay. Leaving his marriage for a man doesn’t mean he’s turned gay. The whole thing about being bisexual is attraction to both genders- it’s not a case of switching between being gay and straight.

I’m sorry OP Flowers If it was the same man every time, it sounds like he may be hoping for a relationship with him. Utter shit of him to not talk to you about his feelings and to turn it around on you.

carrotflinger · 17/02/2019 15:09

I think perhaps he has developed feelings for the other man involved. Or maybe he has realized that he wants to have more sex with men and that he has been missing this during the 21 years with you.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 17/02/2019 15:14

@PopcornPopPop you are right of course, but I don't think the DP in this scenario is bi, I think he's gay and has been in denial. And now he's not. Or as AF says, he's fallen for the other guy. Sorry op.

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