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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship Intimacy Problems (Please help)

33 replies

NeedingAdvice81663 · 17/02/2019 07:32

Hey All,
I’m experiencing some relationship problems, and after trying to deal with it myself for so long, I’m going to try to get some second opinions on what people think and what I should do. Sorry if this post is a bit lengthy, I just want to make sure I’m understood :)
So, I’ve been in a relationship for about a year and a half now, it’s a committed relationship with a lovely guy whom I’ve known for a long time and whom I love. When we first started dating, exploring intimacy and sex together was amazing! However, after almost no time at all, it completely slowed down (and I know this is natural, but not after a few weeks?!). Since then, there’s basically no intimacy at all, going beyond sex to the point that he doesn’t seem interested in me physically at all.
We go months between any sort of mild sexual intimacy at all. I’ve tried talking to him multiple times, never ever pressuring or being rude, just communicating that I want more from that side of the relationship and being constantly told ‘no’ or ‘another time’ is starting to hurt. However, when I talk to him about that stuff, he doesn’t actually seem to care? It doesn’t seem to bother him that it bothers me so much. I even told him, truthfully, that it’s getting so bad that I’m seriously starting to loose interest, desire and passion for him... and he just didn’t have anything to say, asking ‘what can I say?’. :/
When we actually do anything, it’s always on ‘his terms’. What I mean by that is he has a slightly ‘out of the ordinary’ taste for something, which he was nervous to tell me but I was happy to do for him if it makes him happy. However, it seems to have taken over, and if we actually do anything it seems to basically only include that stuff which he likes.
I used to feel serious desire and passion for him in this relationship...but months and months between intimacy, him seeming like he doesn’t care when I try to communicate and being kinda selfish in the sense that we’ll only include the stuff he likes, and not seeing how it can change from this point? It’s really starting to get to me, hurt my self esteem, frustrate me in other ways and making me feel very uncontent in this relationship.
I want to be in an intimate relationship with the person I love. But this is just starting to get to me too much and hurt me too much, because it really does feel like he’s not interested in me physically at all. He will barely put his hands on me or kiss me, let alone more than that. Someone once suggested an open relationship, but I really don’t know how I feel about that?
I’m really not sure what to do, any advice or thoughts would be really welcome!

OP posts:

Kittykat93 · 17/02/2019 07:39

He isn't interested in you sexually. Whatever his kink is that you say he likes, it appears that this is the only thing that turns him on. Sorry but you won't be able to change him. Up to you whether you can live like this.

mistermagpie · 17/02/2019 07:44

Honestly, walk away. You haven't been together years and years with kids and finances all enmeshed etc, it could be a clean break. I never understand why women cling on and try to fix these broken relationships when there are so many nicer men out there. Being single beats all this angst too.

It won't get better, he's shown you that. He doesn't even want it to. It might get worse. This is your life! Don't settle for this.

Sadiesnakes · 17/02/2019 07:49

Agree with Kittykat93, average sex doesn't do it for him and he's only interested in his kink. He's probably a heavy porn user centering around this also.
I'd drop him like he's hot.. way too early on to have to be putting up with shit like that.

MakeItRain · 17/02/2019 08:28

I was in a marriage like that and it turned out he was completely and obsessively addicted to porn. He was also horribly misogynistic - though I didn't see that at first, because initially he appeared to be besotted with me. Divorcing him was the best thing I ever did.

SparklyMagpie · 17/02/2019 08:30

Agree with PP's

I couldn't put up with this myself, I'm all for pleasing my fella but it works both ways and if all it came down to was him being selfish and having his needs met when intimacy does crop up, I couldn't be dealing with that

You can do better OP with someone who matches your desires

Yippeee · 17/02/2019 08:48

You’ve only been together a year and a half. It won’t get any better.

MoseShrute · 17/02/2019 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Singlenotsingle · 17/02/2019 08:55

If it doesn't make you happy, what's the point? You sound youngish, so there are lots of years ahead of you. Can you put up with it? The alternative is a short period of sadness and some inconvenience...

JenniferJareau · 17/02/2019 08:57

I'm with pp's, walk away. You are not sexually compatible. He is clearly only interested in his kink and is very selfish to stay in a relationship with you when he is only happy to have his needs met and not meet yours.

You've tried time and again to talk to him and nothing has changed. As pp said, don't settle for a life like this. This is not how a loving relationship should be.

NeedingAdvice81664 · 17/02/2019 14:37

Hi Guys
(I am the thread creator, but lost my account details, so I’m responding on a new/ this account instead)
Thanks so much for your responses. It actually feels good to hear some second opinions and to have people understand and offer advice!
Like was suggested above, I am quite young. But I do have a really good connection with this guy, we work well together and he genuinely seems to want to spend the rest of his life with me. It’s just, this problem of not feeling valued or wanted because he isn’t affectionate at all is starting to hurt me to the point where that stuff is overshadowed, and I’m hurt by the fact that it almost seems like he sees me as more of a friend than a partner.
Like I mentioned before, I’ve never insisted or demanded, but it must be clear to him now how much this bothers me and it still doesn’t change.
I love him, but this situation I’m in is really starting to test that. And I’m unsure where to go from here..

MrsHoneybun · 17/02/2019 17:30

I don't think you're going to get any other advice than to walk away from this relationship. It's not going to make you happy. He's not going to change, you've explained to him how you're feeling and he's not bothered.

ShawshanksRedemption · 17/02/2019 17:41

The thing is @NeedingAdvice81664 do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like this? He's happy with how things are, but you are not. He isn't going to change.

I think your self-esteem is quite low, and that you feel flattered he wants to be with you for the rest of his life, and perhaps you wonder if anyone will feel like this about you if you end the relationship? But then again, could you continually put up with rejection and his dismissal of your feelings over it for years on end? That would be a very unhappy marriage for you I feel.

NeedingAdvice81664 · 17/02/2019 20:46

I’m not sure I have it in me to walk away from this. I’m not in a great place mentally, and I think that maybe the possibility of loosing him might be more painful than the situation I’m in now.
It’s a difficult situation to be in. I really want him to understand how much this matters.
Does anybody have any experience or thoughts on open relationships? If this is something that would never change, it’s skmething to at least consider?

mcmooberry · 17/02/2019 20:58

You mention you are young, well are you thinking about a family in the future because to state the obvious this could be a problem with this man? I totally understand that you feel too fragile at the moment to end it and risk feeling - even temporarily - worse however I think this relationship is not going to work long term and one day you will have the strength to take action. If you are totally compatible as friends and both happy with an open relationship then maybe that could work, however not if a family together is on the cards in the future imo. Good luck X

AutumnCrow · 17/02/2019 21:01

Jesus, what's the point? Really.

AutumnCrow · 17/02/2019 21:03

Seriously, get into therapy / counselling for yourself. Good luck.

SpanishTiles · 17/02/2019 21:06

What the fuck are you thinking open relationships for?! He doesn't care about you. Walk away. Save yourself years and years of misery. Please.

Fonduefrolics · 17/02/2019 21:07

An open relationship for whom? Freedom for you to sleep with others? Would you be happy for him to find someone who shares his kink/fetish? You’ll probably end of feeling worse.

Jiggles101 · 17/02/2019 21:09

Nowt wrong with kinks and fetishes as part of a varied and mutually satisfying self life, but he sounds totally selfish and not interested in your pleasure.

I think you can do better.

Annandale · 17/02/2019 21:12

I'm sorry to hear you sound so distressed. Actually, why not go for an open relationship if that's what YOU want - you might meet someone a lot more compatible. Or is it him suggesting the open relationship? In which case, there are not enough words in the world to describe how much you should simply walk away.

Sexual love should be generally good, though for sure any sexual relationship will have dry spells. Not after 18 months though. And 'dry spell' means lots of physical affection plus good but too infrequent sex, not this arid pornified selfishness that he won't even discuss!

Please leave. I can't really see what you are scared of losing. You will gain so much.

rosabug · 17/02/2019 21:15

"He's shown you who he is - believe him" How much more evidence do you need? Without a doubt - porn addict. If you stay - your life will get worse and worse.

OrigamiZoo · 17/02/2019 21:23

You hardly have sex and when you do it is on his terns for his kinky desires. So he doesn't meet your needs at all. This is not a loving relationship.

2cats2many · 17/02/2019 21:26

Walk away.

TooOldForThis67 · 17/02/2019 21:33

Do NOT settle for this man! Sure, you will grieve the relationship if you end it but you will eventually get over it and find someone who loves you in return. I really don't think he loves you. An open relationship when you've only known him 18mths? Why on earth would you consider this? What do you think that would do for your mental health?
I think you need to sit him down, or write a letter, and spell it out how it's making you feel, one last chance. If nothing changes then walk away.

rosabug · 17/02/2019 21:51

Sorry - no letters, no "last chances". Get out. The more you try, the more he will know how desperate you are to make it work, the more he has you. You are being emotionally abused.

The day I should have left my ex partner - was about 12 years before it eventually fell apart. Not when I realised the sex was done, after years of drip feeding, but the day I saw that he didn't care how much it hurt me. That should be enough. Don't be the lobster in the pot steadily getting used to the pain.

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