I don't feel secure

[InsecureGF]

Hi, I'm a regular who has name changed as I don't want this linked to my usual username. It was either that or post in 30 days only.

I'm feeling ridiculous and insecure in my relationship while trying not to appear needy.

Some background - I don't have a great relationship history, abusive exH followed by short lived relationships with emotionally unavailable men. My attachment style is anxious and I'm painfully aware that I have previously accepted awful behaviour from partners.

My current BF is a friend of a friend who I've known of for years but didn't meet properly until five months ago. We hit it off unexpectedly and started dating. At the beginning, I felt secure with him as I knew he was a decent, kind man who would treat me well. But it has started to unravel rather than feeling stronger.

His actions generally towards me are loving, he's cared for me when I've been unwell, he's driven miles to see me when I've needed support, he texts regularly and makes lots of future plans with me. I'm definitely properly in his life with respect to meeting friends and his family know all about me. But he's very reserved with physical affection and it's this that I'm struggling with. I feel that I've made it clear that I need physical affection, and I'm trying to be mindful that we are quite different in our needs. So I have altered my expectations so that I don't smother him. He definitely needs more time to himself and less physical attention than me.

After we'd been dating (and having sex) for three weeks, he suffered a health condition that meant full sex was not possible. And we haven't had it since, for FOUR MONTHS even though his condition has resolved. His condition involved pain so it was difficult for me to know exactly when it had improved but I was always supportive and we adjusted dates etc in view of his pain.

I'm struggling with the fact the sex has not come back. I spoke with him two weeks ago about it and he said 'it will happen'. But it's not doing . He gave me a valentine card with a lovely message in it but he doesn't seem to desire me. I'm feeling confused about whether it's just his different needs to me and a low drive, or whether he's going off me.

My self esteem needs work and I'm placing a lot of value on whether we are having sex to boost my feelings of attractiveness.

I'm reluctant to end the relationship because in all other aspects, his actions tell me he cares deeply for me. It's just the lack of physical affection . Shall I concentrate on myself more and find fulfilment in other things to boost my self esteem? Shall I talk again about it? I'm worried about appearing needy. How can I approach it again, to make my needs clear in the best way?

That was long and I feel better having got it out.

I sympathise as I crave physical affection. For me other things even trump sex, like a massage or loads of lovely cuddling. I can see two possible things; either he's anxious about the pain (I have experienced pain during sex and it made me very wary) or he's just sadly not wanting to be physical with you. That probably has zilch to do with you and his desire - he just may not want/need physical stuff as much as you. Or he can't be bothered putting the effort in. Hopefully it's not that.

There are plenty of lovely things that you can do that will help fulfill your need for physical attention apart from full sex - can you ask him to step up more with those? Hopefully that will resolve a lot of things - you'll feel more wanted and get what you need, you will find out what he is willing to do for you to meet your needs (or whether he just doesn't care) and being closer in other ways will encourage the sex back.

Please try not to let this affect your self esteem as it is almost certainly his issue. If he just doesn't want to give you that affection, then you will at least learn that you deserve someone better who is willing to make you happy.

Thank you

He briefly kisses me and I do get short hugs, he doesn't kiss me passionately unless it is going to lead to something more. Every 2-3 weeks he will touch me and give me pleasure without full sex, which is great, but the conditions have to be exactly right. In other words, he's not tired or working early or we aren't too drunk. I am worried about initiating contact in bed as I feel he'd turn me down.

When we first had sex he did make a comment about himself not 'being frigid'.

The more I write, the more I think it's a low drive coupled with his recovery. It's hard not to think that it's his desire for me waning though.

There is a honeymoon phase obviously and this is different for some people. I would have a frank conversation with him about what your needs are. I don't think it's fair to pressurise people into sex or sexual acts when they don't feel like it, and no one should ever feel like they have to have sex. But you have said that he does things to show you that he loves you. He may not fully understand what you need and there are other ways you would prefer him to show you love. I think more kisses and hugs are something you could work towards, and things like massages and cuddles. You're not pressurising him in that case.

Have you asked him how he feels about it? And really asked him to be honest? Is he scared of the pain coming back? He may not be kissing you because he fears that it will lead on to expectations of sex and that may worry him. You just really need that frank conversation and you both need to feel like you can be honest with each other.

I was with someone who had a much higher sex drive and also wanted to do things I didn't want to do. So I was worried to go along with anything that would lead to sex and I would feel pressurised and felt like I couldn't say no. We both ended up resenting each other and feeling like the other one didn't care about our needs.

It may be that he just has a very different sex drive and in that case you need to decide whether this is something that you can live with.

This must be very hard for you. Was his illness directly related to sexual performance or was it an injury that would linger and make him physically uncomfortable having sex ? I get the impression that you have set aside your own personal and sexual needs in favour of this man because he treats you better than past men ? I hope I am wrong but him needing time , space and lack of physical affection are definite red flags at such an early stage where you should both be craving special together time . If this is so, you need to leave him and create a life for yourself where your needs come first. Could he be asexual ? It seems like hard work and your self esteem and self worth could take a massive beating , again . Best of luck with the discussion with him if this is what you may do .

falaff I do get the impression that he's holding back on kissing etc in case it gets me hopeful that something else will happen. I haven't had a very in-depth conversation with him about it. When he said "it will happen" it sort of shut the conversation down.

I agree I do need to ask him further at some point. I'm trying to reign in my naturally flirtatious nature, which seems alien to me in the early months of a relationship, so he doesn't feel pressured. I absolutely don't want him to feel pressured.

sweetpeaaroma it was a back problem, so positioning and movement was painful for him. At the beginning he seemed keen for us to be able to get back to a normal physical relationship, his messages to me point to that. But now it seems that's not the case.

I feel I have altered my natural behaviour and expectations to accommodate his current needs, which I think is something that partners should do at times to some degree. But I can't live like this forever. He's highly introverted and has found me too much at times, I'm aware I can be overly chatty and exuberant so I have respected his need for quiet and space. But he does see me regularly 2-3 times a week and frequently several days in a row.

He definitely treats me better than other men, he is very caring making sure I'm comfortable and he cooks food that is suitable for me (I have a bowel condition). We also have lots of interests in common.

It's just the sex and me feeling undesirable. I think I'm expecting him to finish with me like my exes . Any little change or problem and I'm automatically thinking I'm not good enough. This is my problem isn't it? I keep thinking it will all be ok once we start having sex again. But then there might be something else that causes me uncertainty.

He seems very interested in your relationship judging my your level of contact which is good . I would urge him to return to his physician to ensure that he can restart sexual activity with you . That will ensure that he knows it is safe for him and will hopefully give him the boost to get back into sexual relations . It shows your concern and also shows him that sexual relationship is important to you , without putting him under direct pressure . You will know by his reaction and if he tries to avoid this . If he is dismissive and there is still no sexual activity, then you know that it’s sex he doesn’t want, and that has nothing to do with you . What is his relationship history like?

He's had three long term relationships before me, all lasting between 5 and 7 years. The last relationship finished about 10 months before we got together.

It won't be you that isn't good enough, will it? It will be him!

It does sound like he’s not physically attracted to you - I know that early in our relationship if for some reason we couldn’t have had sex, it wouldn’t have stopped DP wanting to be close/kissing me/touching me...plenty of people have back problems and still manage to have sex so it feels like he’s leapt on this as a convenient excuse that you couldn’t possibly argue with without feeling guilty.

Him saying he’s “not frigid” is so weird, too - surely someone’s sex drive speaks for itself? It sounds like he feels as though he is and was trying to keep up a pretence.

I couldn’t deal with this in a new relationship. It doesn’t matter if he treated me like the queen, no desire is a total dealbreaker. That’s just a lovely friend.

It's just the sex and me feeling undesirable. I think I'm expecting him to finish with me like my exes sad. Any little change or problem and I'm automatically thinking I'm not good enough. This is my problem isn't it?

You're worrying a lot about whether you are good enough for him. You need to think about whether he's good enough for you.

Saying "I'm not frigid" is a very odd thing to say. It does suggest he has been accused of being this.

I had a bad back for a couple of weeks that came on suddenly and was agonising and I could virtually not move at all so there would have been no chance of having sex.

However, I don't think it has anything to do with his back. Maybe it's psychological but I really don't think you are suited to each other.

Maybe previous partners put up with similar situations for years because of his personality and then broke up because they couldn't carry on.

I'd perhaps keep him as a friend and look for a new partner.

The more honest and open conversations I have with my mates about sex, and the more men I date, I am realising that many many men have a very low sex drive. The whole macho thing must make it very difficult for them to admit to this, but I'm convinced it's a big problem. In a group of 4 friends, all in our 30s, 3 of us were always the ones initiating sex.

I think you need to be honest with him. Sex is important to you and if it isn’t as important to him, then you are incompatible on a fundamental level. Your mismatched sex drives is nobody’s fault but It’s far better to part as friends, than disappear down the mismatched sex drives that will emotionally harm you both.

Be very wary of false promises that are designed to keep you around long enough for you to change your mind.

Thank you everyone, all your comments are all things I have had on my mind already. When he mentioned not being frigid, I did think it was odd, why would he bother saying it? I do suspect somebody may have said this to him in the past.

I'm not sure what I want to do yet. First I'll have a frank conversation with him.

I agree that you should talk to him, but what happens if he repeats "It will happen... soon..." and then just continues like now?

It sounds to me like he has a very low sex drive, while yours is perhaps slightly higher than average. For me that would be enough to end the relationship.

Since I spoke with him a few weeks ago when he said 'it'll happen', there hasn't been an opportunity for us to have sex as both of us have had this awful virus that's going round. We are both almost fully well now so I'm hoping it might happen soon .

We still need to have the conversation though, I need to know how he feels about the whole thing. I think I could live with him having a low drive, if I knew it was definitely that and not him not finding me attractive. I can and do sort myself out from a pleasure point of view, and I would be happy with just some more contact from him.

I also wonder how he was with previous partners. He told me his last relationship ended after they went on holiday, it was a beautiful location and the perfect opportunity for romance but there was nothing. He was the one to initiate the split. I took it to mean she didn't want to do anything but now I'm not sure.

Urgh in my post above I sound like I'm settling for less than best .

I know this sounds like a cliche but it does seem as if he's Not That into you.
You are well and firmly in the friend zone. As another poster pointed out, he is a very caring friend and that is lovely, but if he was really into you, you would know about it and you wouldn't have to work at it, which must be exhausting.
Could he be gently trying to steer you towards this realization and doesn't want to hurt your feelings?
He may even have his eye on someone else?
Whatever you do, don't overly flirt with him or do the Pick Me dance. It will make you seem desperate.
You deserve better.

Very often, those who are anxiously attached will unconsciously choose a partner who is avoidant.

Have you ever had therapy?

This isn’t about how attractive you are or your worth

He sounds like he naturally has a very low drive and no intention of topping you up with physical affection and cuddling.

I completely second @AFistfulOfDolores1
I’m an anxious attacher with a history of avoidant, abusive and controlling men.

You have to decide what your own non-negotiables are in life before deciding if someone else fits you

Thanks, I think he's secure in his attachments, he thinks logically and finds it difficult to understand how I arrive at conclusions based on my interpretation of his behaviour. I'm more emotional and prone to anxiety around relationships.

With the exception of my children and siblings, I've recently realised that everyone I've ever loved has left me. Therapy would probably be a good idea.