I don't feel secure

[InsecureGF]

Hi, I'm a regular who has name changed as I don't want this linked to my usual username. It was either that or post in 30 days only.

I'm feeling ridiculous and insecure in my relationship while trying not to appear needy.

Some background - I don't have a great relationship history, abusive exH followed by short lived relationships with emotionally unavailable men. My attachment style is anxious and I'm painfully aware that I have previously accepted awful behaviour from partners.

My current BF is a friend of a friend who I've known of for years but didn't meet properly until five months ago. We hit it off unexpectedly and started dating. At the beginning, I felt secure with him as I knew he was a decent, kind man who would treat me well. But it has started to unravel rather than feeling stronger.

His actions generally towards me are loving, he's cared for me when I've been unwell, he's driven miles to see me when I've needed support, he texts regularly and makes lots of future plans with me. I'm definitely properly in his life with respect to meeting friends and his family know all about me. But he's very reserved with physical affection and it's this that I'm struggling with. I feel that I've made it clear that I need physical affection, and I'm trying to be mindful that we are quite different in our needs. So I have altered my expectations so that I don't smother him. He definitely needs more time to himself and less physical attention than me.

After we'd been dating (and having sex) for three weeks, he suffered a health condition that meant full sex was not possible. And we haven't had it since, for FOUR MONTHS even though his condition has resolved. His condition involved pain so it was difficult for me to know exactly when it had improved but I was always supportive and we adjusted dates etc in view of his pain.

I'm struggling with the fact the sex has not come back. I spoke with him two weeks ago about it and he said 'it will happen'. But it's not doing . He gave me a valentine card with a lovely message in it but he doesn't seem to desire me. I'm feeling confused about whether it's just his different needs to me and a low drive, or whether he's going off me.

My self esteem needs work and I'm placing a lot of value on whether we are having sex to boost my feelings of attractiveness.

I'm reluctant to end the relationship because in all other aspects, his actions tell me he cares deeply for me. It's just the lack of physical affection . Shall I concentrate on myself more and find fulfilment in other things to boost my self esteem? Shall I talk again about it? I'm worried about appearing needy. How can I approach it again, to make my needs clear in the best way?

I think you sound incompatible and also that side of things isn't going to get better and that's because he's not really attracted to you in that way or he's not really that bothered with anyone after a certain stage in a relationship.

I think you should move on as you need more than that.

I think therapy might really be beneficial, InsecureGF. If this is a pattern - and it sounds deep-seated - then therapy can help you to unpick it and make different choices. It's a process; it asks for commitment ... but then again you didn't get where you are overnight either.

Ideally, you would be able to be in a relationship with someone where you didn't need anything from them to feel secure. It would also mean you probably wouldn't choose the kind of partners that you have done in the past.

I've just had a short relationship end and sounds so similar. He was so into me until we got physical. We didn't even actually dtd but I put it down to him recovering from virus. Despite lots of messages daily and phone calls, and him saying he cares for me and likes me, I noticed him back off which also triggered my anxiety.

He's finally got round to saying he can't be what I want. I'm go between feeling upset that he's toyed with my feelings however unintentionally and thinking rationally he's not right for me as he clearly has his own issues around relationships which is no good for me. I also thought he was secure to start with but now think he is deeply avoidant.

I'm still in my heart hoping he'll change his mind even though I know he won't really and it's no good even if he says he does.

My self worth is very much linked with how attractive I feel and whether or not someone wants to have sex with me. I think this might be the crux of my issue. After my marriage ended I had a series of one night stands and very brief encounters which I used to provide me with the validation I needed.

Has anybody else been like this and managed to solve/ improve it?

January that's interesting, I'm forming the opinion that my BF is secure purely based on his relationship history and ability to commit, moving in with previous partners and buying houses together. He also doesn't seem to 'need' anything from me.

He was so into me until we got physical

This happens more often than you think.
We make the mistake of thinking that we can reel them in by giving them what we think they want - Sex.
only to find that once they've got what they want, they won't commit to a relationship. He's scratched the itch and there's no need.
Not saying this is the exact case in your situation, but maybe you gave him too much, too soon.

OP, are you both older?

fdhvdn it's not that. We didn't scratch the itch as such. I think he maybe has performance issues. He liked idea of relationship but has somehow panicked about reality. He's just repeated things like he's no good as a partner/no good at relationships etc. Can't give me what I want.

Part of me feels like I've rushed him but my head says I'm an adult, so is he and he was the one telling me he was really turned on by me and seemed happy with loads of kissing just didn't perform when we actually ended up in bed and then has backed off gradually.

I'm so sad about it. I really like him

@InsecureGF my guy had 18 year relationship, seems v sorted at first but not emotionally now I realise.

Watch every single clip from Briana McWilliam on youtube.

She completely gets it, and puts it so well. And also understands that getting it and your feelings catching up with what you understand are two different stages.

I started a similar thread a while back, I was the open heart with history of ''relationships (push pull style) with a rolling stone (her terminology for anxious avoidant types and avoidant types who are drawn to relationships with each other even if the avoidant won't label it! All so familiar to me.

That is sad January it sounds like he probably does have performance issues and anxiety.

I'm in my early 40's, he's late 30's.

PS, and ''have therapy'' is the obvious default suggestion on these threads but you can get the insight, hear the explanations, assess your history, live through a relationship with the intellectual awareness, still get it wrong, then have another 'go' and make a better stab at it the next time. That's what's been happening to me.

You might be right January about him being avoidant. I hadn't really considered it before.

Thanks Aldi I'll have a look.

I do feel I've made better choices with the men I've been with each time, each one seems a better choice than the last.

@insecureGF that is the therapy of real life I think. I am learning as I go along.

this you tuber really speaks to me, especially about the last McRelationship I had and she's helping me with this current one as well

Thanks Aldi I've had a look at her videos and they are good.

I've chatted to him (by text which isn't ideal but I couldn't keep it in). He is wary of injuring his back again, it's nothing to do with his attraction to me. I've explained how the whole episode has made me feel. I do feel a little better, I'm seeing him this week and we can chat more face to face.