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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could you continue in a sexless marriage?

26 replies

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo · 16/02/2019 21:22

Just that really. Married for 10 years. Had sex 3 times in 3 years. Each time instigated by me, plus what feels like a bazillion times of being rejected since I had a pregnancy bump with “I’m too tired”. It’s now got to the point where I feel so repulsive to him that I think I don’t want to anymore either. I’ve tried to discuss it so many times but he refuses to seek help from GP, couples counselling etc and just says obtuse bullshit like “life gets in the way”. He offers no other physical affection. No compliments when I try to make an effort with my clothes, make up etc. I’m miserable, being around him just reminds me of how ugly I must be since I’ve had a child.

I realise sex dwindles as relationships get older and after children, but all the threads I see are complaining about “only” wanting sex every couple of months.

I’m in my 30s. I don’t want to spend the next 50 years living with someone who doesn’t show me any physical affection - not even a hug.

OP posts:

ReaganSomerset · 16/02/2019 21:23

Without sex? Yeah, probably.

Without affection and hugs? No, never.

TearingUpMyHeart · 16/02/2019 21:27

No. I would either leave or open up the marriage. It obviously isn't massively important to you, as you have tolerated it for so long already, but everyone must have a breaking point, surely?

greendale17 · 16/02/2019 21:34

Your partner is unwiling to seek help and doesn’t even give you hugs, kisses or compliments.

I couldn’t live with a man like that. Leave him.

SonataDentata · 16/02/2019 21:39

No way. It’s such a lonely place to be.

NameChangeNugget · 16/02/2019 21:39

SugarMiceInTheRain · 16/02/2019 21:46

No, I struggle at times in an otherwise great relationship with DH who is affectionate but has a low libido but if there was no other physical intimacy, no hugs etc and no compliments etc either... no I couldn't continue in that kind of relationship.

Fetching · 16/02/2019 21:51

In your situation? Nope.

You must feel so lonely and I imagine your self-esteem has taken a battering. I'd be so angry that he's unwilling to address the situation too. Fuming in fact.

This isn't a marriage.

liitlepenguin · 16/02/2019 22:18

Hey Op

I'm in a similar boat

However there is physical affection in the way of hugs and kisses better us but noses.

I can ( just about() deal with this. I think there are worse alternatives

liitlepenguin · 16/02/2019 22:19

*between us but no sex

cojmum · 16/02/2019 22:25

Bluerussian · 16/02/2019 22:27

Yes.

DianeAdores · 16/02/2019 22:27

OP, it sounds as if your DH does have a problem but is scared to admit it.

You need to try to have a proper conversation with him about it. You might not like what you hear, and it might be very difficult for him to talk at all about it.

The problem with a sexless marriage - unless you both agree that you have low sex drives/have never been that bothered about sex/prefer just to kiss and cuddle - is that the person who misses sex and affection is likely to find it somewhere else in the end. If you are someone who wants physical warmth and affection, and who wants to feel attractive (and there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel that someone else finds you attractive) - you may well be blown away at some point down the line by someone who finds you attractive, and tells you so, and wants kiss and cuddle and shag you senseless. This is very, very bad for a marriage. You may think you would never be so vile as to cheat on your husband. But desperation makes nice people behave in ways they might otherwise deplore. So if you can try to deal with it now, you could be doing your marriage a very big favour in the long run.

Alternatively, you could decide at this point - before you meet anyone else - hat you can't envisage going without physical affection for the rest of your life, and put it to your husband that you will have to leave him now if this can't be rectified.

for you.

Fetching · 16/02/2019 22:31

you may well be blown away at some point down the line by someone who finds you attractive, and tells you so, and wants kiss and cuddle and shag you senseless. This is very, very bad for a marriage. You may think you would never be so vile as to cheat on your husband.

I think what's already happening is 'very, very bad for the marriage'.

And what would be so 'vile' about cheating on someone who has no regard for her feelings? A clean break would be better, but meh, I couldn't get worked up about someone seeking physical affection elsewhere after years of being rebuffed by their spouse.

DianeAdores · 17/02/2019 17:35

@Fetching In fact, I agree. So much so that I did it. However, I know MN doesn't like people who have affairs, so I am bending over backwards to head the brickbats off...

TrixieFranklin · 17/02/2019 17:41

I'd say no, but I am

MissTook · 17/02/2019 17:47

It will mess with your health, op. It fucks you up.

ConfCall · 17/02/2019 17:50

I think you're being seriously shortchanged OP. Whether you continue to tolerate this is up to you, but you couldn't be blamed for separating from him or for seeking affection elsewhere (better all round to do the former before the latter though).

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/02/2019 17:59

Op your username made me a giggle😁

Life gets in the way?...Hmmm does it also get in the way of his masturbation habits I wonder??

No way I could survive like this

Original poster

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo · 17/02/2019 20:54

Thanks all for your replies. I tried to broach it again with him last night but he says that he doesn’t “recognise this as a problem”. As in, he thinks it’s a non-issue. Despite me repeatedly telling him it is a problem for me.

I feel so hurt. He didn’t want sex early in pregnancy, then we could t in my 2nd trimester due to placenta praevia, then towards the end of pregnancy we were given the green light by my obstetrician again but he said he didn’t like my bump. Then he didn’t want to because I was breastfeeding. Stopped that 6 months ago, for a number of reasons but hoping it would help my marriage was one of them. But he still doesn’t want to have sex with me. It’s difficult to not conclude it’s because he either doesn’t like my body anymore or has bigger issues with having a child in general.

It’s hard now to instigate anything - I fear being rejected again and it no longer feels natural or spontaneous because there’s no hugs, kisses etc to build up from.

I think I have to give him one last ultimatum. It’s not even the sex in itself, it’s the loneliness. I think I would be happier alone, at least then I wouldn’t have this lodger reminding me how repulsive I am.

OP posts:

Original poster

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo · 17/02/2019 20:55

...but then I think of our DD and feel like such a selfish twat to break her family up when he’s not abusive or horrible or cheating. Gah!

OP posts:

TearingUpMyHeart · 17/02/2019 20:57

Then is he happy for you to look outside the marriage for sex?

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/02/2019 21:01

I bet my bottom dollar there are plenty of others who wouldn't be refusing marzipan!

It's his hang up not yours, completely lazy and selfish not to acknowledge your needs. I think it you stay with him your self esteem will be shredded to pieces.

I say leave, if he can't acknowledge the problem there's no chance of resolve.

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/02/2019 21:03

Withholding sex and affection for no good reason is abusive imo!

Could you open the marriage as TearingUpMyHeart suggests?

Skirmisher · 17/02/2019 21:04

he says that he doesn’t “recognise this as a problem”.

So if it's not a problem for him then he doesn't care if it's a problem for you. Utterly selfish man. This is no way to live, OP.

PlinkPlink · 17/02/2019 21:59

Nope.

Couldn't do it.

Sex is really important to me and by that I mean all types of sex - piv, ora etcl. It's a sign of affection. A sign of implicit trust. Love. Passion.

If I didn't have that in my relationship, I would find that exceptionally hard to deal with.

I couldn't face another 20 years in a marriage like that.

Find a man who can show you he loves you and appreciates every single inch of you. And make it an important part of your relationship goals - if you don't, you'll never find someone who will.

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