Tips for working with ex

[falaff]

Hi,

Can anyone share any success stories about working with their ex? I'm still very hurt about things, and he was emotionally abusive, but my job prospects are very limited. We met at work and my contract ended, and an opportunity has now come up that I will be very sad to pass up on. I've been unemployed for a while now. It would be a case of the odd meeting and email exchange and being in the same office for one day a week.

I would really like to be able to go for it and be able to handle it and work with him, when necessary, in a professional manner. I have no interest in being friends. However it will probably make me feel crap for a while so I'm not sure.

To not go for the job solely because I would see him feels like he is still winning and I am very resentful of this - he was subtly controlling and I had to give up a lot of things due to jealousy. I have refused to give up other things (leave the city, gym, etc to make it easy for him) and it has felt quite empowering but it does bring him to my mind.

I am wondering whether this will help with my healing process through exposure - when I see him I feel crap but if this wasn't such a rare or unexpected thing maybe the effect would lessen.

Is this a terrible idea? Can anyone share their experiences?

Do it, go in there with your head held high, best dress on, and confident! He won't know what has hit him and you'll feel like you've won. Sure, inwardly you might feel a bit crap at first, but keep it professional, don't talk to him on a personal level, keep boundaries and just focus on the job.

That's what I was thinking and how I would really like it to pan out. I want SO MUCH to not give two hoots about him and to just move on. My major issue is that I am a very emotional and sensitive person and things like this affect me quite a bit. So I don't know if it would make me feel absolutely awful and I would be mortified if it affected my professional approach, for example, if we were in a joint meeting and something affected me.

But it's stupid to pass up on a job. I can't afford to be unemployed anymore and I loved working there. He wanted to leave and I'm surprised he hasn't left already. So I also feel resentful that I am being held back from somewhere I love when he doesn't even care and wants to leave anyway.

ARGH.

Are you really really sure that you need to apply for THIS job? There are lots of jobs, lots of towns, lots of cities, lots of countries.

I was once in your situation except I was still working with him. I gave myself a load of flannel about not being able to leave the job, specialist area, didn't want him to win etc etc etc. Fact is I was so hurt, I really wasn't over it and deep down concealed so deeply I couldn't admit it to myself I wanted to stay around him and in contact with him as in my little fantasy world he'd realise how wonderful I was.

Everything you've posted reminds me so much of me. It wasn't til much later that I realised my own subconcious deception.

It will be waaay better for you to move on with your life and get away. Stop pretending and giving yourself excuses (as they are excuses) that there are reasons to go back and work there. There maybe be they aren't good ones.

He was emotionally abusive and you are very emotional and sensitive. It would be madness for you to go for this job.

Rugby I understand what you're saying but this isn't the case. I would very happily not see him again. I hate what he's done to me and I hate how he's moved on so quickly and how everything has worked out for him whilst I have been left very mentally unwell.

I love where I am - all of my friends and hobbies are here and I'm surrounded by 'my people'. He tried to make me leave to make it easier for him, but I refused. He tried to make me give up hobbies at places where he would be, again to make it easier for him, but I refused. I was working at this company before he joined, and I was frequenting these places before I introduced him to them.

I'm not going to let him win by removing myself from his life so he can feel less guilt. He tried to do this with me too to avoid guilt from leaving his ex.

It is very hard for me to find jobs in my area both geographically and in terms of specialism. I have really missed my job and would have loved to have stayed on.

All of this really hurts but I am trying to think of my happiness in the long term. I am hoping so much for the day when I don't think about him anymore.

CoolJule43 there wouldn't be a risk of him being emotionally abusive again as I am a lot stronger now. I also don't think he would make my life difficult in the job as he cares very much about what people think about him. I have no interest in making it difficult for him too.

My main concern is the emotional pain it may cause me. I was hoping to hear from some people who have successfully done this and who could advise me. I know it will be difficult for me but this is the third job that has come up in 6 months. I have already passed up on applying for another job at this company because of this but am now thinking that I am ruining my own future by letting him still have a hold over me.

I was dumped in a nasty way after a two year relationship with a coworker. I had to work with him in an open plan office, seeing him all day/every day. I simply treated him as if he didn't exist. Never looked in his direction, never made eye contact. I let my hurt turn into disdain. Luckily we didn't have to have much direct interaction, thanks to lovely coworkers and a sympathetic boss. The boss found a pretext to move me to a new work-group assignment situated across the office from him. I didn't ask for it, the boss just did it quietly on his own. And co-workers ran interference if he tried to infiltrate my 'space'. Eventually he left for another office.

You can do it, but only if you really want the job. And it's not about him 'winning'. TBH, he could probably not care less if you take the job or not. What it is about, is about you doing what you want to do and not being controlled by the fear of what you might feel. Yes, you'll have 'those moments', I certainly did. But every time you master yourself when you do, you take a giant leap forward.

AcrossthePond55 it sounds like you managed to make it work and thanks for sharing that with me. I do think that professionally I won't have an issue. I just don't know how I will react. He's charming, good looking, has a new girlfriend, and I fell for him at work. So I don't know if the exposure to him in the situation where we fell in love will be good for me. But I think it's worth a try.

I think the approach of distain and ignoring him when possible will be the best approach. Most of the stuff I can deal with over email and we will only share one day in the office, in different rooms.

I can guarantee that he will hate me coming back. Although he might feel differently now he's replaced me. He said he wanted to leave that job for a long time and hopefully he will already have plans to go anyway.

One thing I'm not sure about is whether the company will avoid hiring me because they know we dated. Will the count it against me for fear of having difficulties in the job? I really don't know.

Mastering those moments is exactly what I want to be able to do. I really, really want to not care.

If I got offered the job I was going to talk to him outside of work to sort out how our relationship will work, i.e. make it clear to him that I want professional contact only.

I think 'mastering those moments' is a case of fake it til you make it.

One thing I forgot to mention, I started seeing a counselor soon after the break up. I had a history of picking shit-heads and wanted to break that habit. It helped immensely in dealing with seeing him every day to know that I had my counselor to vent to and help me pick through the emotions. Something you might consider.

Can you put your finger on what you mean by 'how I will react' and it not being good for you to around him where you fell for him? Is there something specific you're worried about happening, like you will start to cry or your 'recovery' will take a massive step backwards? Those are sort of rhetorical questions, you don't have to answer me. Just something to think about. Maybe if you can pin down exactly what you're concerned about you'll be able to think yourself through the situation. One of the things my counselor suggested was 'role playing'; imagining myself (for example) walking in the office door and running into him and physically and verbally going through the motions and dialogue. She said it was kind of like rehearsing for a play. "Learn your lines and hit your mark", she used to say! It actually did help me feel prepared.

Hey, if it helps you to realize that there is life ahead, all of this happened over 35 years ago. I've been happily married now for over 30 years and have two grown children. So see, it does get better!

Ummmm find a new job?

Thanks Across. I'm trying to get counselling and am on various waiting lists. I think the role playing is a great idea. I think I'm mostly worried about crying. I tear up a lot. I really hate it and would like to control it better.

I am feeling like it's a long road to getting better. It's hard when you've been then one trying so hard to fix things and make it worse and you get discarded so quickly. I have lots of unanswered questions that will never be addressed and I will never get the closure I want. Hopefully counselling will help.

nugget in my posts above I've highlighted why it's not a simple case of just finding another job. It would be great if I didn't have to consider this opportunity but in reality I have to earn money and also progress my career. The point of this post was partly to understand how it may pan out and get other peoples' experiences. But thanks for the input.

I actually meant make it better. Weird brain!

As I'm reading your posts, I think more and more that Rugbyrugby is right. I think you're deluding yourself about the reason you want to go back there. You want him to see you and it's an excuse to try to have a relationship talk.

Go for it. Focus on the job and have the attitude of a 'what a lucky escape you had with him'

Be glad he can't inflict his jealousy on you and he no longer has that control over you.

This is the downside of workplace relationships. Business and pleasure don't always mix.

If I got offered the job I was going to talk to him outside of work to sort out how our relationship will work, i.e. make it clear to him that I want professional contact only.

Do not do this.

Make it clear you want professional contact only by only having professional contact with him.

Draw a line. What's past is past. Concentrate on the job. Be polite and keep a friendly tone but keep all conversation focused on the job.

category honestly that is not the reason. When I see him I don't feel good. But I'm hoping this will improve soon. Unfortunately there are very few jobs available that I'd want to do. I would love to go back to my old workplace, and this opportunity has come up, and I'm just trying to figure out if I can deal with it as without him being involved I would absolutely jump on it. Him being there is a major negative - I actually still volunteer at this place and arrange my days to when he will not be there. I could quite easily go in when he's there, so if it's a case of me wanting to see him I would be doing that already if you see what I mean!

Oh, I'm an 'easy cryer' too. I've tried and tried to change but I guess I'm just hardwired that way! I think it's one of the ways the role playing helped, it's easier to try and control it if you've 'acted out' the scenarios (and given yourself a stern talking to).

At least, use this 'lead time' to work your first day out in your head. I was dumped on a Tuesday and had to go to work the very next day! I can remember playing my tape (that's how long ago it was!!) of Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive' over and over in the car on the way to work. I also remember watching him walk whistling through the office and flirting with all and sundry and repeating to myself "I will not cry until 4.40, I will not cry until 4.40" almost continually all that day. We got off work at 4.30 and it took me about 10 minutes to get out of the office and on the freeway where no one from work would see me.

Looking back, it didn't take all that long for my pain to turn into pure hatred. I almost think my subconscious did it on its own to force me into 'survival mode'. I'm usually a pretty forgiving person, but to this day if I passed him on the street and he was on fire I wouldn't piss on him to put him out.

I've been through the hating phase and I absolutely wouldn't get back into a relationship with him, or be friends with him. I expect he will try and make peace and want to be friends to massage his ego and relieve some of his guilt but that's not gonna happen. I think the sadness is about myself, how I haven't been able to get over the abuse and still feel very teary about how I was treated. It all feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth when he appears all happy and moved on so fast, has 'fixed' himself etc.

Anyway I think the important thing for me to remember is that this is all down to me, how I deal with my emotions and how I view the situation. I can either make it difficult for myself or I can let it wash over me. I like the idea of pretending to be strong about it even if I have a bit of a wobble and hopefully that will train me to not care.

After all of this I might not even get an interview! But I'm just so determined to stop this controlling my life anymore.

I am actually going to be in the office soon on a day on which he is working so I am going to use that as a bit of a test. But I'm going to be kind to myself - if it's too upsetting I'll accept defeat and not apply. Obviously I don't want that to happen but I will take these tips on board and see how I cope.

Also thank you Sandy and Display for your advice too.

You know what? I think that even if you don't get the interview this has brought you a new 'view' of the past and a new determination to heal and move forward. And that's GREAT, job or no job!

Yeah, fuck that 'can't we be friends after I stomped all over your heart?' bullshit. I had that too, fuck them!

But you know what the turning point for me was (besides my own hard work)? The sonofabitch actually took me aside and with fake concern in his eyes told me he was 'worried' about me and would I 'promise him that I wouldn't commit suicide because he left me'. You could see the ego in his eyes, he actually wanted me to feel suicidal because it would stroke his ego so much. I don't fucking think so!

I found out later that I wasn't the first (nor was I the last) woman that he'd done that too. Sick bastards, all of them.

I had a message from him after I last saw him that was virtually hilarious. Short story - he was abusive, we broke up, he was going to get counselling and I stupidly thought he would 'see the light' and want to try again, or at least give me a sincere apology. Instead he got a new girlfriend within 3 weeks. He then messaged me saying that he had done 'everything he possibly could and everything I asked him since the break up to make it work and hopefully we can be friends'. Interesting approach to fixing a relationship but whatever mate!

Just to clarify all of this for people who think I still want to be with him. My hurt is not about wanting him back. I absolutely do not want that to happen. My worry about the potential pain is that it just hurts that someone treated me so badly and got away with it. I think that emphasizes how unhappy I feel and I resent it. Terrible attitude but posting this has made me realise that it's all in my head and all about my attitude and approach. I can go in there and be upset or I can go in to exactly the same situation, tell myself I don't give a fuck, and actually make it work.

Haven't RTFT, so apologies if I've missed something important but just thought I would share my experience to encourage you.

I had a relationship with an ex-colleague and we still work in the same office - we broke up a decade ago. It was an awful break-up - I had counselling for months and it was tough at first - for maybe a year - but over time it got easier, and ten years on, I almost feel as if nothing ever happened between us.

He got married a while back and we're quite friendly now. I was talking to him at work the other day and he openly ogled some young woman in a short skirt (at least half his age) who walked by and I just thought, "thank God I'm not married to you". When he's not ogling young girls he is pretty flirty with me still, but I've grown immune to his "charms", as it were.

I got through that first year by always looking my best, keeping a smile pasted on my face and not giving him the satisfaction of knowing I was upset . I'm a strong believer in "fake it till you make it" and it worked for me.

It's just a matter of time and getting through the first six months or year. Hold your head up high, relax and smile! You will get over it and, trust me, further down the line, you'll actually be relieved that he's an ex!

And remember the words of Oscar Wilde: "Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much."

He isn’t for you, he’s moved on so should you. If you love your job stay, if not you can easily find another. Don’t leave or stay because of him though

I can go in there and be upset or I can go in to exactly the same situation, tell myself I don't give a fuck, and actually make it work.

Damn skippy, you can!!! You have soooo got this.

And you are absolutely right. It's not anything about wanting them back. Hell no, we know we're worth more than that! It's about pain and being used and about seeing them waltz off into the sunset with nary a scratch. It's the epitome of 'life's not fair'. But it is what it is.