Would you consider hiding texts an emotional affair?

Nothappy16 · 2019-02-15T23:17:30+00:00

Would you consider hiding text messages from your partner and being close to a colleague but no physical contact an emotional affair? This would be someone you confide in about work things and find attractive

Sunnydays78 · 15/02/2019 23:18

Yes!

ConfCall · 15/02/2019 23:21

Yes, I think so.

Sarcelle · 15/02/2019 23:22

Of course, yes

Closetbeanmuncher · 15/02/2019 23:24

Could you elaborate please op?

LemonTT · 15/02/2019 23:48

OP. You have posted about this every other day putting less and less detail. You are regularly checking his phone because you don’t trust him and you have admitted you have a jealousy problem.

As others have said on your other posts, this may well be reason for someone to delete conversations they want to keep private. Or he could be having an affair. Who knows? but you seem to want an answer that validates your feelings, jealousy, and behaviour which is controlling.

He is entitled to privacy and so is she. Especially if they are discussing work. If they are having an affair you won’t find evidence on his phone. Not now.

Original poster

Nothappy16 · 16/02/2019 00:08

LemonTT I don’t regularly check his phone that’s a complete lie you keep repeating. Why are you so invested? You seem to love i’m Asking for advice when suffering and rubbing salt in wounds.

OP posts:

Sadiesnakes · 16/02/2019 02:08

No Lemon, he's not entitled to his privacy if he's texting someone inappropriately. Not sure what way you think marriages and fidelity work?

Op, to answer your direct question, yes if a person, in a relationship, is texting someone else romantically and then deleting them, they are emotionally cheating.

However this may not be as clear as that, and if you are very insecure, over sensitive to your dh interacting with female colleagues then it may be totally innocent and he is deleting because he doesn't want the hassle.

That's something you need to decide.

rvby · 16/02/2019 02:14

he's not entitled to his privacy if he's texting someone inappropriately

No. Marriage isnt ownership. Privacy is a basic human right. If you think marriage suspends that right, then you're also saying that abusive men are allowed to hack their wife's phones if they suspect cheating.

OP, if you dont trust him, you need to leave him. It really is that simple. There is nothing else to it. Please stop violating his privacy, you're just muddying the waters even more because then it becomes a chicken and egg thing where he could be within his rights to hide stuff - because you are constantly invading his basic right to privacy.

pissedonatrain · 16/02/2019 02:40

so it's ok for him to be deceitful sneaking around chatting to someone who isn't his wife when he knows it is wrong and hurt his wife but it is not ok for his wife to snoop on his phone?

rvby, the women on here don't need your finger wagging so they continue to eat the shit sandwich.

MistressDeeCee · 16/02/2019 02:43

OP if you're the same lady that's posted a couple of times before about this -

I do feel sorry for you. Your husband disparages you to this young woman then tells you about it including her saying you look old, right?

Sticking with what I said on the last thread - You are allowing the antics of 1 man, in the one life that you have, to drive you mad.

I wish you knew it wasn't worth it. He's just a man he's not a God you won't die for lack of him. He doesn't even make you feel good.

Do you have friends in real life you can talk to? Although they'll likely give you the same advice and opinion as on all the threads you've posted.

What do you want to happen and how do you think you can make that happen..? Its a question worth asking yourself, at times.

MMM3 · 16/02/2019 03:18

“Confiding about work things” to a work colleague isn’t “confiding.” It’s work. It would definitely have to include non work related matters to be an emotional affair.

And I’d be curious how the “find attractive” manifests. Is he commenting to her on her shapely bosom, or what have you, or did you confront him with “Do you think she’s attractive?!?” and he said yes? Very different things.

rvby · 16/02/2019 03:20

so it's ok for him to be deceitful sneaking around chatting to someone who isn't his wife when he knows it is wrong and hurt his wife but it is not ok for his wife to snoop on his phone?

No. None of it's ok. It sounds like they're both behaving terribly.

All I'm saying is, don't make it worse by staying in a marriage where you (a) habitually violate another human beings right to privacy in order to (b) torture yourself with more proof that he's the fucking pits.

If folk kept their boundaries in place it would be much less painful for everyone. E.g. "jesus christ I've been reduced to snooping on my DH's phone. What the fuck am I doing. I'm going to put his phone down, get in front of a counselor and start getting my ducks in a row" vs. "I'll just keep torturing myself, violating basic human ethics, and working myself up into more and more of a rage about it by posting on the internet as well "

MMM3 · 16/02/2019 03:22

Oh goodness. If MDC’s comment is on point, I take mine back.

Disparaging your wife is talking about private personal things. Not work things. And being nasty to boot. Telling you that conversation included her saying bad thimgs about you is just beyond.

But more to the point, who cares if you can or cannot call those conversations an emotional affair? They’re a betrayal regardless and all the evidence you need that he’s garbage.

Smotheroffive · 16/02/2019 03:32

It doesn't sound good at all, if you are making threads regularly and his behaviour is driving you round in ever decreasing circles.
It will literally drive you insane. Please try to step away, he sounds vile and you don't trust him, because you can't. That means its over I'm afraid. If he cared he would be making things clear and it would be very apparent that he loves you and wouldn't cheat on you, and isn't
That isn't whats coming across on here.

Believe yourself and believe in yourself, over him, trust yourself first, and if you can't trust him then you don't have a relationship, as hea being quite vile and cheating.

MsDogLady · 16/02/2019 04:39

@Nothappy, I looked at your threads and saw that you had occasion to look at his phone around twice in a year.

Is this the situation? Initially he did not mention this woman’s presence at a work meal, but did later, and you felt a niggle. You investigated, and she was not on his message list as others were, and you asked about this.

He said that he deleted her texts (and only hers) because she is attractive, they get along well, and “he thought it was better to delete them than risk upsetting me...”. I believe he said that you wouldn’t care for their banter. He apologized, and admitted that he would not like you to delete texts from males. You asked him to stop deleting her messages. You admit feeling jealous and anxious at times, but you do feel that his actions in this case were inappropriate.

An emotional affair would occur if he secretly channels emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than you. He did keep their communication a secret from you. You never saw the messages, so you don’t know their content or frequency. However, something was different about her messages. He didn’t delete those of the other women.

Is he now describing their relationship as “close?” If so, then it could very well be an EA. Personally, I would wonder what else he is hiding.

Sadiesnakes · 16/02/2019 04:48

If folk kept their boundaries in place it would be much less painful for everyone. E.g. "jesus christ I've been reduced to snooping on my DH's phone. What the fuck am I doing. I'm going to put his phone down, get in front of a counselor and start getting my ducks in a row" vs. "I'll just keep torturing myself, violating basic human ethics, and working myself up into more and more of a rage about it by posting on the internet as well "

Yes well in an ideal world that would be great, but most marriages include love, children, finances, etc. People are human and can rarely switch off emotions after being with someone years.

And no, if OP's husband is having an affair he deserves no privacy, whatsoever.

You'll feel the same if you're ever cheated on and you'll wonder how you could let it go on so long, being taken for a fool, for the sake of his "privacy"...

Patchworkpatty · 16/02/2019 05:11

No sorry , suspicion and jealousy are not reasons to invade someone's privacy. Where does that end ?

We have a shit load of really good laws to protect private data. Marriage does not override that as rvby rightly said.
If you can't be happy in your marriage without invading his privacy for WHATEVER reason - then the trust has gone and you need to walk away.

rvby · 16/02/2019 05:12

Sadie... even if you'd like to dispense of ethics in order to be pragmatic. In this case, she already knows hes awful. Continuing to snoop isn't helping her. Getting some dignity back by getting the focus off of him and back onto herself will help far more. No?

OP, can you manage to stop looking for more evidence of your Dh being a fuckwit and perhaps just start taking steps to end this situation? What's stopping you from moving on from snooping? What's compelling you to keep looking at his messages vs. Taking action in other ways?

HRMumness · 16/02/2019 06:41

As someone who used privacy to hide an affair, even when I had caught him in the act and asked him to show me messages between them to put my mind at rest. He refused and continued to eat his cake for another few weeks before finally confessing that my spidey sense was right all along.

Hold your head up high and start taking steps to end the relationship. I think what he sound doesn’t sound positive. At the very least get some counselling. If I had done perhaps I might have had some hope to save my marriage.

Original poster

Nothappy16 · 16/02/2019 07:31

Thank you every one. There is a lot to take in and some home truths both for me personally and the relationship.

I do feel very low and anxious and it’s in the middle of driving myself insane. I appreciate you taking the time to reply to me post and give your opinions and advice.

OP posts:

RiversDisguise · 16/02/2019 12:59

You are not happy and this is no way to live, babes.

Smotheroffive · 16/02/2019 14:49

Think about you only and step right back from him, otherwise the insane behaviour and feelings will continue.

Take back your control and power and make your decisions based on how you see things.

You don't need sight of evidence and closure from him, he won't give that to you and you will drive yourself insane continually looking for it.

Your behaviour and thoughts are based on his carryons, so now make your decisions about how you can feel better and have your own power and control backback, as he has taken that, and you need to own it again.

MsDogLady · 16/02/2019 16:13

I agree with @Smotheroffive. Your feelings are authentic and valid, so make your decisions based on them.

In my life, I wouldn’t stay with a man who was happy to delete messages from one particular woman. That would tell me that she was his secret. Furthermore, if he used my insecurities to shift blame to me as his excuse for hiding her, I would view him as manipulative.

Sadiesnakes · 16/02/2019 18:46

Rvby- OP's question is if he's deleting messages he's not comfortable showing op, does that qualify as an emotional affair?

I don't see where she's said she's continued to snoop? That's just you adding something you've made up to this thread. The point you are trying to push doesn't apply here.

rvby · 16/02/2019 21:06

This isnt op's first thread on the matter Sadie. Apologies if that content wasn't clear.