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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you consider hiding texts an emotional affair?

47 replies

Nothappy16 · 15/02/2019 23:17

Would you consider hiding text messages from your partner and being close to a colleague but no physical contact an emotional affair? This would be someone you confide in about work things and find attractive

OP posts:

Smotheroffive · 16/02/2019 21:13

It was clear rvby the point was made and the other threads referenced.

MistressDeeCee · 16/02/2019 21:18

In my life, I wouldn’t stay with a man who was happy to delete messages from one particular woman. That would tell me that she was his secret. Furthermore, if he used my insecurities to shift blame to me as his excuse for hiding her, I would view him as manipulative

^ This.

It really makes me roll eyes when a man gives a woman reason to feel there's something going on. Gaslighting her. Then the woman is deemed by him and others with slack boundaries to be insecure etc for responding.

Classic minimising. & So dismissive. It's not his fault for being devious, it's the woman's fault for snooping' 🙄

A man like that could have all the privacy he
wanted from me as I wouldn't allow him and his
games to blight the one
life I have. Wouldn't do the puck me dance either, let him piss off to wherever he wants to go. No man is worth that angst.

But, OP - You've posted several times now and advice here is similar to previous threads. Hopefully you'll gain the strength to actually deal with this now.

Whether you choose to leave or not, it needs to be addressed.

Original poster

Nothappy16 · 16/02/2019 21:35

Thanks mistressdeecee, i’m Still here reading just trying to get my thoughts together and appreciate people’s advice

OP posts:

Sadiesnakes · 17/02/2019 21:05

rvby - I'm well aware Op has posted about this before?

You seem fixated on Op snooping, and here in this case she has every right to know where she stands in her marriage, since her dh has minimized and gaslighted her, he's lost all right to his privacy.
Op has the right to know exactly what's going on and where she stands in this relationship and if she needs to check his phone to help her make a final decision and gain closure, then so be it.

rvby · 17/02/2019 22:01

Ok sadie. Sounds like your advice to OP is different to mine. You say, keep snooping because it will make you certain hes cheating (? I dont think it will, she wants to be proven wrong so every bad bit of news she will recast as an opportunity to snoop more and more and more) which will make it easier to leave him (? Is that what you're thinking? If so - I doubt it will. OP will just fixate and obsess and try to blame herself for a few more months), I say stop snooping and move on from a person who seems to trigger you into misery. Fair enough.

I think your advice is bad and will lead to more misery, but what do I know. Maybe we will be lucky and the world will be in engulfed in a fiery apocalypse before either of us are proven right, eh?

OP you sound miserable. Don't stay married to someone who makes you miserable. It's literally that simple. You don't need to snoop on him to know what you need to know. A man who makes you feel crazy and out of control and sad is one you shouldn't waste a single speck of time on xx

Original poster

Nothappy16 · 19/02/2019 18:37

I am feeling better as time goes by but it is hard. I donny want to give up an a family unit easily

OP posts:

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 19/02/2019 19:25

Hi OP
I did not read your other threads however, judging comments from other posters, I strongly advise you get some therapy for your relationship issues. Even if it's on your own. I used to feel paranoid and check my dp's phone and it affected our relationship because of how I saw myself and projected it onto him. We are much happier now I've completed the therapy and I'm happier. I'm not saying you should take my advice but therapy may be a start?

starzig · 19/02/2019 19:38

Only if you are insecure

SemperIdem · 19/02/2019 19:42

I remember your other thread.

Truly you need to consider leaving him. He is being cruel and sadistic. You will be happier away from the “family unit” in its current form than you are in it as things stand.

Original poster

Nothappy16 · 19/02/2019 19:54

I think therapy is a good idea as I do have my own issues. I’m still unhappy I have Ben blamed for him deleting messages however he does admit he has caused a problem. I need to draw a line as i’ll Never know what was the content that was hidden so need to focus and our happiness and issues instead. That’s for the support it’s neen helpful

OP posts:

Original poster

Nothappy16 · 21/02/2019 22:52

So an update. We spoke again and he has spoken to her to say they should not text because he has been deleting them and I know and it’s caused him an issue. So i’m Annoyed that they have spoken like this I don’t want him to have anything in his life he hides. I just feel weird but probably through history brought it on myself.

I’m going to get some space to clear my head. Sounds horrible but I cannot bear the thought of it all

OP posts:

Original poster

Nothappy16 · 21/02/2019 23:55

I won’t be posting on here again. He’s read the thread and is annoyed I have posted on the internet.

My reasons? I didn’t want to discuss any of this with anyone in ‘real life’ because actually I wanted to protect us. So the one place I could speak openly and vent and receive some hard but honest feedback has been taken away and again I find myself isolated and shamed because I have sought advice through this channel, which for me personally has helped at times. I used this as a comfort and that’s removed.

Thanks for your support. I’ve asked for this all to be deleted.

OP posts:

Bannerwoman66 · 22/02/2019 00:01

I’m really sorry you’re going though this.

If I am honest it sounds really off this relationship with his colleague and that he has been secretive about it. I don’t blame you for snooping he clearly has something to hide and is snoooong on you on this when all you’re doing is reaching out for help!! Also protecting him. He sounds self centred.

Don’t isolate yourself. I hope things work out for you.

Bannerwoman66 · 22/02/2019 00:03

Private message me if you need someone to talk to. Sometimes it’s easier talking to people who are not too close to you in real life.

amytwinehouse · 22/02/2019 00:11

I just want to reply quickly because I was in your email can’t situation last year and asked for the thread to be deleted.
It didn’t get better, it got worse. He used the situation against me.
“My jealousy” over an innocuous friendship (which he lied repeatedly about) was the root of our arguments, not his lies.
He rewrote history, only admitted to what I could prove, to the point I tricked him to admitting more.
Only you can decide if the trust has gone. If it has, leave now. Don’t waste another 6 months, a year, whatever. You only get one life. You deserve to be happy

amytwinehouse · 22/02/2019 00:11

Exact, not email cant

MsDogLady · 22/02/2019 00:39

He should not have included you in the explanation, pulling you into the blame in front of her. He should have just said, “I won’t be texting any longer.”

I’m sorry that he has banned you from Mumsnetting. This is a controlling man who is treating you like a child. How long will you tolerate this? I wish you well.

gluteustothemaximus · 22/02/2019 00:56

He sounds like a cunt and you did nothing wrong by posting. You are not to blame for him sending inappropriate messages to another woman. You sound miserable.

I've been there. I've been gaslighted, controlled, blamed, manipulated. It was never me. It was him.

You need you self esteem back. Do you have children OP?

Newbieuser1880 · 22/02/2019 01:05

How bloody selfish of him!!!! He’s defiantly up to something telling her all about it and holds her high up if he has revealed your troubles to her. His first and only concern should be the shit he has caused. You deserve better and can tell who you want but have clearly not told his mates or mutual mates n family etc.

I don’t know how you stand this but it seems your self esteem is low and I don’t blame you with what’s gone on. Not sure of your situation at home but think this one through, he’s not committed to make you happy.

MsDogLady · 22/02/2019 01:08

Yes, you had every right to post. Don’t feel the slightest twinge of guilt. This is your support system.

Newbieuser1880 · 22/02/2019 01:08

DH if you read this then put her out her misery and own up! Stop controlling her she came on here for help clearly

Mumstheword1230 · 22/02/2019 09:58

How are you today OP?

It really doesn’t should good and at the least an emotional affair if not more. He should not be discussing those things with her that’s very off especially to bring you into it with her. That points to there being more to it. It will be telling how he behaves now. He seems wrapped up in himself and isn’t treating you well. Don’t let him isolate you.

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