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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

5weeks pregnant for Dh,but i dont want this baby

40 replies

myrespite12 · 15/02/2019 20:26

i am miserable,i read a post about doing dh lundry and it made me laugh because i do all the lundry,ironing,cleaning cooking and everything inbetween and i have a demanding full time job,but he never appreciates it,he makes fun on me and says i am boring and u don't have a life,once walked out of the house at 10pm because i asked him to bring in the lundry while i was doing dishes,when i think of the things he has done to me i just get so bitter,for the first 8months of moving in with him he would not have sex with me,he has a password on all his phones/gadgets and deletes chats,he used to come home late without a good reason,later came to tell me that he was seeing (Airforce one) or chatting with his friends at work 4hrs after work closed, i called him out on the lie and he became violent and tried to choke me,my visa is dependent on him,he told me he will send me home to my poor family to die of hunger,calls me old and ugly looking,i am 30years and i try my best to look good. He didn't even give me a single flower for valentines day,if i get sick he becomes very angry and blames me for getting sick,and to make things worse i just found out im 5weeks pregnant,the thought of having a baby with him makes me physically ill,i think about the things he has done and i just sit and cry,he suddenly started becoming close with one of the models he photographs,when i asked him,he said i am not supporting his passion,that she supports him,so he will keep going to her,my passion is makeup but he gets into a rage and starts abusing me if i happen tp spend even 5extra minutes on my makeup,he calls me stingy but when i go to his wardrobe i see loads of things i got for him,but in my wardrobe there is nothing from him,i told him that once,just to point out that am not stingy and he said i should stop buying him things.he called his parents oneday yelling about not wanting this marriage anymore,because i had called him on one of the days he went for a photo shoot and asked why he hasn't called me all day,his mom was shocked she actually thougth i had an affair,i broke down and told her everything that happened and he was upset because i "washed his dirty linen in public" once when we travelled with family he got upset because i got myself a new handbag from the sales racks,he got himself things as well, and he threatened to slap me because i didnt offer to pay for groceries when we went shopping with his aunt and cousin,i just don't know what to do,Am i wrong not to want this baby?

OP posts:

Lifeisabeach09 · 15/02/2019 20:32

Not at all.
Arrange a termination. He will only get worse if you stay with him, pregnant, and then with newborn.

NeverStopExploring · 15/02/2019 20:43

Call women’s aid and leave him now! He will get worse. Regardless as to whether you keep the baby or not you cannot stay living like that. You only have 1 life don’t waste anymore on that waste of space

julensaor · 16/02/2019 04:12

Call women's aid, but do bear in mind this is your baby too. You need to speak to someone, with such rush of detail in your post, the stress is too much for you, I am sure there are numbers on this website?

madroid · 16/02/2019 04:31

There's nothing wrong with you and it's not your fault.

He is emotionally, financially and physically abusive. He will not change.

You have a choice about whether you want the pregnancy and marriage to continue. But you will need help to change either one. You could start with Women's Aid, your doctor or Citizens Advice.

ReaganSomerset · 16/02/2019 05:08

Which country are you in, OP? You need to get out of his relationship somehow. Where there's a will, there's a way.

Theyhavejugglers · 16/02/2019 09:46

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your partner is abusive and you can't stay with him. Please get out. No one should have to put up with this. Does he know about the pregnancy? I wouldn't even tell him tbh. If you do not want the baby don't have it. You have so much to deal with already, if you do not feel ready for motherhood you shouldn't feel that you have to. On the other hand, if you feel you would embrace being a single mother, which many women out there do very well, let it be your decision. But please do not let that man influence your decision either way. He does not get a say. Have you got friends you could speak to or stay with? Please look after yourself op.

Original poster

myrespite12 · 16/02/2019 12:20

Most of my friends are his family,mostly cousins,he is so nice to them,he cleans up when we go to visit them,if they ask him for a favour anything at all he does it, i do not want to speak to any of them,especially about the baby,i havnt told him yet either.

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 16/02/2019 12:36

Which country are you in?
What culture are you?

category12 · 16/02/2019 12:40

My feeling is, don't tell him, get yourself out of there and decide from there.

He choked you, he could easily kill you, it's really easy to go too far. You are in serious danger.

If you're in the UK, call women's aid, look at going into a refuge, think about getting the police involved. It won't be easy, but life isn't meant to be like this, and you can rebuild a better one in time.

Personally I think you would be best terminating the pregnancy and therefore being able to completely cut him out of your life.

NotMyUsualTopBilling · 16/02/2019 12:43

Don't tell him about your pregnancy.

Contact women's aid and they can help you get away from him, he sounds like a manipulative piece of shit and having this baby with him will only fuel the fire.

When you are safe, then speak to a Doctor about your options and think about whether you want to continue with the pregnancy.

Karigan195 · 16/02/2019 12:44

Seriously if you do not want the baby then terminate ASAP. Then get rid of the waste of space you are with. There are good men out there. Make yourself free to see and find them

GertrudeCB · 16/02/2019 12:47

You don't have to continue with the pregnancy if you don't want to.
You don't have to stay in this relationship.
You don't need anyone's permission to leave and be happy

InProgress · 16/02/2019 13:26

Get yourself out and somewhere safe, then make the decision about the baby. Whatever you decide

nugget900 · 16/02/2019 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Karigan195 · 16/02/2019 13:53

Don’t be so naive nugget. This baby would tie her to that arsehole for the rest of her life. Would enable him to exercise control over her as he insists on going to court for contact etc. Would mean she would never be able to escape him completely. Why would you seek to make her feel guilty about terminating and subjecting her to that for life....

Thehop · 16/02/2019 13:56

I think we can help you better if we know what your culture is and what country you live in now?

nugget900 · 16/02/2019 13:58

@Karigan195

She could get custody. He's abusive. She would win.

Theyhavejugglers · 16/02/2019 14:09

Nugget, not your body not your call. Stop pushing your agenda. Only OP can make that decision.

NotMyUsualTopBilling · 16/02/2019 14:18

If only it were that clear cut Nugget900.

Abusers are very clever and usually "charming" people who can and will manipulate every situation too maintain control over someone.

Original poster

myrespite12 · 16/02/2019 22:20

I am African from Ghana,this afternoon,i booked an appointment with the clinic for tuesday,i dont want a child with him, i am definitely sure,am taking all my test results into work tomorrow, i have been feeling realy poorly and unable to get out of bed,but i summoned some courage amd spoke to my boss today,because she is the only person i feel i can talk to,i will see her tomorrow at work,i work with the Nhs,and i will keep everyone posted.Thank you all so much,im not so alone and scared,in my culture women are advised to Endure their marriages.and stick with it against all odds.the stigma of a broken marriage is so bad,and somehow it becomes the woman's fault.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 16/02/2019 22:47

Don’t know how long you have been married - but if you wanted to stay here - i’d wait till you get your permanent residency and then make a move.
And till then - just try to keep sane and not let him get to you.

AlwaysCheddar · 17/02/2019 07:11

Do not endure a future with tgis man, he’s beyond awful. And having a baby will make your life with him far worse, so I’d support a termination. Get away from him please.

SandyY2K · 17/02/2019 07:32

OP, is your husband Ghanaian as well?

Don't tie yourself to him for life. He's abusive. You could do with building a network of your own friends.

If you're in the London area, let me know as I might be able to link you up with a group.

I originate from a country close to yours and have Ghanaian friends, so I'm familiar with the cultural aspect too.

Feel free to send me a PM.

HisBetterHalf · 17/02/2019 17:00

my culture women are advised to Endure their marriages.and stick with it against all odds.the stigma of a broken marriage is so bad,and somehow it becomes the woman's fault.
That's a shit culture. Do whats best for you and no one else x
It's your life, you only get one life and its too short as it is. He is abusive. Leave him and enjoy your life xxx

nugget900 · 17/02/2019 17:23

I think I can understand why he got angry - is it that Instead of buying Groceries you bought a handbag?

but it doesn't justify slapping you so I can see what's wrong here.

I think you should do allot of research on abortions before you have one. I don't want you to regret a decision.

Hope all goes well

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