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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m not pandering...

46 replies

amytwinehouse · 15/02/2019 09:52

I put a thread up the other day about a Valentine card sent to my bf. he’d said he thought it was my writing on the envelope and that I’d used my left hand inside. (Later turned out to be from his dd). When I asked to show me the envelope (send a pic) he refused, cos he said he didn’t understand why. I told him it was to see the handwriting but he point blank refused and kept asking why/what’s the point if it wasn’t me.

But he said I was a psycho for asking to see the envelope, that he’d discussed it at work and his colleague agreed it was weird of me to ask to see this. It was genuinely just a “show me” and it only got weird (IMO) when he refused. He said last night it was because he wasn’t going to “pander” to my “ridiculous” request. He said it was bunny boiler stuff!! I told him he was totally overreacting but he refused to believe it was just curiosity on my part.

I know he is really out of order on this with the name-calling etc. but I’m really hurt and a bit confused by all these accusations. I said if it had been the other way around I’d not give it a second thought but he said he’d never ask so that would never arise.
Does it sound like he’s having a power trip?

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 15/02/2019 09:58

So if you had received a mystery valentine's card from someone other than him, he wouldn't be curious to see it, or jealous even? Sure.

ThankYouNext19 · 15/02/2019 10:01

Just dump him. He thinks its acceptable to call you a psycho and a bunny boiler, can you really see this going well in the future if this is how hes acting NOW? He's not mature enough at his age to treat his gf with respect. He's goaded you into being interested in the card then acted like it was something you werent allowed to know about. Thats not normal its playing games. Total gaslighter.

Ribbonsonabox · 15/02/2019 10:03

Hes massively overreacted and escalated a situation. Of course anyone would be curious if their partner received a valentines card not from them! And of course they'd get concerned if their partner acted secretively about it. I say this as a person who is very relaxed about male/female friendships and has never really felt any sexual jealousy..... so I'm really not a bunny boiler and nor are you... hes being a massive dickhead. He acted wierd and you wondered why... absolutely normal line of thinking... hes gaslighting you. Hes the unreasonable one here.

Original poster
amytwinehouse · 15/02/2019 10:58

Thank you all. I think the gaslighting worked because it was making me doubt myself. There was something really horrible about him saying he’s not pandering to my ridiculous requests.
I just felt it was quite harsh, as I really didn’t see the big deal but when I said that he said “exactly! So, why do you want to see it if it’s not a big deal?”

OP posts:
misskiki69 · 15/02/2019 11:17

It sounds like he's playing mind games to me. Trying to make you jealous then twisting it around so you're the psycho. There's only one psycho here and it's not you!

Lifeisabeach09 · 15/02/2019 11:21

LTB.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/02/2019 11:24

Yuk! That's nasty, controlling behaviour. Belittling too!

Tell him to sling his hook! His non existent mates who agree with him can console him in his grief!

Whatisthisfuckery · 15/02/2019 12:18

Sounds like a classic Narcissistic power play.
Provoke a reaction: Dangle something in front of your nose, designed to awaken your curiosity and prod at your insecurities.
Minimising the offence: Make out like it’s nothing.
Taunting you: Refuse to prove it.
Question your perception: Stop being silly.
Reverse victim and offender: you’re being controlling.
Insult you: Psycho, bunny boiler.Use others to reinforce his behaviour/further devalue yours: All my mates agree, I’m right and you’re wrong.

I can hear the red flags flapping in the wind from here OP. Get shot of him. He’s bad news.

Original poster
amytwinehouse · 15/02/2019 13:10

Wow, that is scarily accurate. He’s done that exact kind of thing before many times, acted all innocent face and then told me to get a fucking grip about things when I’ve shown concern.
Just told him it’s over and not to contact me again.

OP posts:
ThankYouNext19 · 15/02/2019 14:15

Well done OP! Best decision you could have made! Heres to a happy future and meeting a normal genuine man!

Original poster
amytwinehouse · 15/02/2019 16:29

Thank you!! I actually felt a massive sense of relief after sending it! Couldn’t bear another abusive, straw man phone call xx

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 15/02/2019 16:40

Bloody hell, you're bot at all weird or "bunny boilerish" for asking to see the card and he knows that too and there's no way in hell people in work agreed with him either so he's also a liar. I would get out now OP while he's just your BF

AryaStarkWolf · 15/02/2019 16:41

Oh I see you've dumped him already, smart move

apintofharpandapacketofdates · 15/02/2019 16:45

Good on you OP. My ex DH called me an anal psycho in a disagreement about cupboards. Cupboards in my own house. We'd been together about 3 months at that point.

Sadly I didn't kick his horrible arse and had three kids with him.

Steer clear, what you describe is very similar to my experience, and it ended badly.

misskiki69 · 15/02/2019 17:38

Well done! Be prepared for him to try to worm his way back in.

Original poster
amytwinehouse · 16/02/2019 00:38

apintif I have to say, I dud ignore what I now know where a few red flags. This was the last straw... he once shouted and bawled at me in his car because I glanced at his phone when it lit up when he was dropping me off. He said I wasn’t respecting his privacy and that I’d swivelled my head to get a better look. I just sat there and let him rant, then got out of the car and walked up my path.

He texted the next day to say he was embarrrased and couldn’t believe he did that. No apology, all about him being embarrassed. That was the first red flag and I wish I’d walked/blocked back then. 6 months later, he was bringing me more misery than joy. A bully.
Hope you are happy now?
arya thank you, early days but no regrets so far. He used to hang up on me quite regularly which would make me panic and call back. Taking control today and telling him not to contact me was such a relief. I’m a very happy, loving, generous person but he was stifling and tempering this,
I feel like I can get back to being me now. cx

OP posts:
Original poster
amytwinehouse · 16/02/2019 00:42

miss this will sound really sad but I just think he couldn’t have really loved me that much to treat me like that, so I don’t even expect him to try to win me back. Probably a good thing though. 😊

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 16/02/2019 10:03

It’s not about loving you, not with people like that. It’s all about the use you are to them and the validation you give them. You prop up his sense of self. He’ll feel personal slight and injury that you’ve dumped him, so expect the weedling. It’s not for your benefit, it’s never for your benefit, so don’t get hoovered in by it. Best off blocking and stopping out of his way.

Well done for getting shot.

Cookmysock1 · 16/02/2019 11:41

There was no card, otherwise he'd have shown you like any sane person would
He's just said it to wind you up , vile behaviour, thank god you've ended it, stay strong !

apintofharpandapacketofdates · 16/02/2019 14:29

Yes honestly the difference in me since the split has astonished me.

Separated 3 years.
Kids are happy and functioning well
My career has taken a huge step in the right direction
I like myself now...totally new concept for me.

I've had counseling, therapeutic treatments, the whole shebang, over the years.... I thought it was all my fault.

Not the case any more Grin

Original poster
amytwinehouse · 17/02/2019 12:12

That sound so promising apint well done for leaving when you did. I think the longer you stay, the harder it is because you justify and rationalise things and cling on to the few good bits.
I’m feeling a bit down and wondering what I did wrong to be treated like this. I’ll never get the truth from him, I know that now. He manipulated me quite a bit.
I had a bit of counselling recently after some childhood memories resurfaced (now think triggered by him) and it was that that threw fresh perspective on his behaviour and made me question it.
Onwards and upwards!

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 17/02/2019 16:24

I'm feeling a bit down and wondering what I did to be treated like this.

@Amy, don’t accept any blame for his atrocious behavior.

Good work ejecting this manipulator from your life. Use this as a golden learning experience. From this moment on, you can heed the red flags when an emotional abuser comes on the scene. Shouting because you glanced at his phone when it lit up? Intentionally piquing your interest in the card, then insulting you when you showed interest? Discussing you negatively with his colleague? He really takes the cake.

Continue with your counseling to strengthen your boundaries and self-esteem. Empower yourself with those who enrich your life.

BumbleBeee69 · 17/02/2019 16:51

lucky escape lovely Flowers

JK1773 · 17/02/2019 19:02

Well done for spotting his behaviour and leaving before you got even more embroiled. Like you say he can’t have loved you to treat you like that. My ex of 7 years had traits of this. I’ve always been a fairly confident independent woman. Never ‘needed’ a man and spent a lot of my adult life single and happy. At times my ex made me feel like I was going completely mad!!! Absolutely everything was my fault, he invented a lot of things in his head too. I couldn’t think clearly. He called me mental, told my friends that I was having a breakdown etc. Just bonkers. I’ve been out of it nearly 4 years now. Best decision I ever made. Never looked back. Good luck to you, onwards and upwards

CantStopMeNow · 17/02/2019 20:55

Did he tell you it was from his dd or did she?
I think he was just full of shit and you're well rid.