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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner taking job abroad

32 replies

Attilathehunny · 15/02/2019 02:22

My boyfriend and I are supposed to be moving in with each other in May ( been together 2.5 years) He is now up for a job that will take him out of the country for 3-4 days every week. (Very early flight Monday till late wed or Thur) He has 3 kids that he sees every other weekend and 1 day a week. This will now have to be condensed into the days he is in the country. We have had a pretty tough time over the last year with exs and boundaries etc. We have finally committed to moving in and moving (my) DD school, jobs etc and this comes up. I feel uncomfortable saying to him if you take this job I can’t move in with you but also feel personally that I can’t as it could be so detrimental to our relationship. I feel this is wasn’t what I signed up for. If we had been together for 10 years / married with kids all the stuff maybe I could feel different but I feel after what has been a really tough time I want to enjoy the next year and blend our lives / kids naturally without feeling loads of pressure. He is a very good father and likes to spend a lot of one on one time with his kids – which is great if we have more days but if there’s only 3 or 4 days every week kind of leaves me out in the cold...
I don’t want to be giving him an ultimatum – ie this job or me. It’s a wonderful opportunity but I am a bit annoyed he’s not discussing how it may affect our relationship etc. I could wait and see if he is definitely offered it before having this discussion but then I feel I have ambushed him.

OP posts:

Nofilter · 15/02/2019 02:45

He's absolutely changed the goal posts and I'd be concerned that he's not seriously taking into account the risks you are taking especially with children.

I would say this is a game changer and a step back from progressing to moving in together. It doesn't need to be "the job or me" just that circumstances have changed and it's no longer the right time yet?

It seems very selfish OP are you sure he is the right man for you?

Hope you find a happy resolution...

Original poster

Attilathehunny · 15/02/2019 04:41

Thanks, appreciate the reply. It’s hard sometimes to know if you are being unreasonable. It’s hard as he has a very senior job so will be expected to do this .. On the other hand it changes everything let alone how it leaves his ex in the lurch. It does seem that men get to continue their lives and career despite kids and divorce in a way women really don’t ! ( another discussion for another time!)

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 15/02/2019 04:47

You and your bf are not on the same page and you can’t get the reassurance that you desperately want because you’re relationship isn’t a priority for him.

The problem isn’t with wanting what you want but with, wanting what you want with someone who doesn’t.

FlagFish · 15/02/2019 04:57

I would hesitate to move in with him, and I would be very very wary about moving my DD to a new school. How old is she and is she happy at her current school?

As Nofilter says, I’m not suggesting you give him an ultimatum as such. Just that you say to him it doesn’t seem like the time is right, and you need to wait until you see how things are between you in this new situation before you take the step of moving in with him. Remember that you never need to give any reason for not moving in with someone other than you don’t feel ready yet.

I think you need to put your DD first in this situation. What if you move in together, she gets used to the new arrangement, her new school etc and then you have to uproot her again because it doesn’t work out between you and your boyfriend (because of the stress of trying to squeeze your relationship into the 2 or 3 days a fortnight when he’s in the country and without his own kids there)?

Nc1548 · 15/02/2019 05:22

You should discuss how it affects your relationship. Explain that, should circumstances change, you would no longer feels like it's the right time to move. It's not fair to change jobs and your DD's school for an arrangement that no one knows anything about, let alone how/if it will work.

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2019 05:37

Agree it isn’t the right time. It sounds like the relationship may or may not make it through if he gets this job- his days at home will be kid focussed and you will be waiting in the wings. That’s not fair on your daughter. She’d be living with someone who never has any time for her.

Sally2791 · 15/02/2019 06:25

Sounds like he wants everyone to fit around him and his needs .He's not really considering other people. I would find someone a bit more giving.

Yippeee · 15/02/2019 06:29

I wouldn’t move in with him. Wait and see how it pans out with his job and like you said, where you fit in.

MumsyJ · 15/02/2019 06:44

This might be an unpopular opinion, but having been with someone in the past that worked offshore ( rig), spends one month here in the UK, and almost 4 months away, we managed to make it work at the time.

In your case, he's only a few days away, yes I know people are different, but if your relationship is solid, I wouldn't see this as a problem. Also, there are times when you could be invited to visiting him whilst abroad eventually ( I did with mine back then).

Just have a chat with him and weigh the pros and cons, then both of you can decide whether or not to move in as a result of his new job. I wouldn't suggest an ultimatum, as from your post, there's absolutely nothing wrong with your relationship. There's always a way of bridging the gap OP x.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 15/02/2019 06:51

How much did he consult with you about this new job?

It changes everything surely?

Seniorschoolmum · 15/02/2019 07:00

Having been through this, some people are maybe being hard on your dp.
If he had reached a senior level in a big corporate, and he wants his career to progress, he will be expected to take a job involving a lot of travel.
If he doesn’t, he won’t be considered for promotion. Some corporates also expect their senior managers to do a stint living full time in another country.
You need to talk to him. Is that the expectation? That sort of senior job pays for a great lifestyle but you will spend a lot of time on your own.

Hanab · 15/02/2019 07:04

Put the brakes on OP!

First work out everything beforehand. Remember you havr a kid aswell! If the decieion to work overseas was not a joint 1 I would seriously not go ahead with the move. Everything at the minute is his way... you could just be the housesitter/maid for when he is in town ... take care of You & your kid first OP..
there are issues already, since you mentioned it I am guessing it has not been fully resolved in your mind.

Best wishes OP🌷

FlagFish · 15/02/2019 07:08

I'm not saying dump him, OP. I'm just saying, why rush to move in with him? See how things work out with the new job before making any big decisions.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 15/02/2019 07:17

Also note that as you say, he's happy to leave his ex and other children in the lurch. It sounds like he might be more focused on his career than his relationships - and that's his choice, but may not make him the right man for you to be with, for you or your DD, at this stage

Original poster

Attilathehunny · 15/02/2019 07:23

Thanks all - I’m seeing him tonight so will discuss putting it off for 6 months. It’s very frustrating as seems to be one step forward two steps back. If all implodes through prefer I haven’t changed job / school/ area. Been through one divorce already!

OP posts:

rookiemere · 15/02/2019 07:25

I think the fact he's applied for this job without discussing it means you'd be silly to uproot yourself and your DD for him.

LilithTheKitty · 15/02/2019 08:15

You wouldn't really be moving in with him if he's away for most of the week. You'd still be mostly living alone, just in a place where you're uprooted yourself and your daughter. I wouldn't think it was worth the effort to be honest. I think your plan of putting it off for 6 months and reviewing is good.

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2019 08:49

Even if he doesn’t get the job you still need to hold off on moving probably- as you say it’s the next step and it will come up again, you don’t want to have already moved so have less choice. It’s a major decision he didn’t discuss with you/ fine for a boyfriend but not for living together and you should wait until he feels at that level. As it is it didn’t occur to him.

ravenmum · 15/02/2019 09:08

Is this job for a limited time or open-ended?

I wouldn't move in either in that position. But you don't have to make it an ultimatum. Just say that you don't want to move in under those conditions. Or do you feel like you don't want to be the live-out girlfriend much longer, and the choice will eventually be between moving in and splitting up?

I've been with my bf two years now and have no intention of moving in with him. We are both very happy with meeting up a couple of days a week. Could that be a long-term option for you?

MMmomDD · 15/02/2019 10:47

If this job is a promotion and opens up next steps in a career - then if course he needs to take it.
He has kids to support. And at some point - his new family....
If you make him chose - I don’t think the relationship has any future.

When you say ‘it’s not what you signed up for’ - it says a lot about how you think about relationships. And what’s important to you.
I personally - wouldn’t want to be with someone who thinks like that.

Don’t move and change jobs just yet. See how things go.
Plenty of people have jobs where one person travels. Works just fine.

Adora10 · 15/02/2019 11:26

Such a nasty post Mmom, the OP has only been with him 2.5 years, she does not owe him anything other than what they had agreed on!

Any normal sane person would be worried about this, she has her own daughter to uproot and change schools, for him btw.

Yeah his career blah blah blah, what about his three children that he will not be there to care for four days out of seven, oh yeah, he's more important.

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2019 12:06

Don’t be sillly mmom. I’ve been married ten years, if my husband had a great opportunity that involved working away for months I’d say it’s not what I signed up for. Because it’s not. If he’d been in the military or worked on a boat or oil rig I wouldn’t have married him.

MMmomDD · 15/02/2019 12:31

Nothing nasty. I used to have a job where I travelled regularly. So did my colleagues.
Had relationships and families.

No one signes up for anything in a relationship. What if one gets ill - or smth happens down the line - will you also have this attitude? Not signed up, not in a contract - I am off???

Either you like and love each other to make it work, or your don’t.
He isn’t moving away for months. He is working. To provide - and I presume more for his kids - and his partner.

But as I said - no need to rush or anyway. Uprooting your life after 2.5 years is early anyway. Wait and see.

Adora10 · 15/02/2019 12:58

Your example Mom has nothing to do with this context.

I'd not be happy, the OP is not happy, he has not even discussed it with her, does that sound like HE is actually showing love and that HE wants it to work?

You personally insulted the OP for saying not what she signed up for, absolutely no need, ok, you are fine with it, not all of us would be, especially when he has three children.

cstaff · 15/02/2019 13:08

Even if he doesn't get this job and things go ahead as planned who knows what his next big move will be without you or the kids. It does appear that he is making very big decisions without consulting you or even asking your opinion. I certainly would not be happy especially with all that is going on with his own kids and the limited time they have together.

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