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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is wrong with me?

35 replies

OneMoreVino · 15/02/2019 02:04

I hope this isn’t too long but I just to have a bit of a rant.
I’m mid 30’s, separated. Fell out of love with Stbxh, things happened and resentment crept in. Anyway..
I met someone after in another country. We clicked, got on well. Thought it might be a holiday fling so enjoyed myself immensely.
Returned home and we kept in contact regularly. I had spent a couple of months on holiday.
He decided to move over to my country which I was delighted about. He left his job (an ok job, but zero chance of progression) and he moved in with me straight away. He didn’t know anybody in this country when he moved over, only me. We do get on really well but I like to have fun and socialise on occasion but unfortunately he’s not too keen so I tend to go out with friends one every couple two or three months. I like to let my hair down and have fun and I’m a bit daft with a few drinks, but not bad or anything. He is not from a drinking culture and doesn’t like me ‘binge drinking’ which gets my back up sometimes as I don’t go out very often. Most of my friends are married, pregnant, trying to get pregnant. I work full time too.
He said he’d get work when he moved over but aside from applying for a couple of jobs online he’s done nothing. I pay for everything. That was ok at the start as I knew it might take him a while to get settled.
But it’s been months now. Months of him sitting in the house watching tv every day. He’s a really lovely person though, he’s kind, patient, cooks and cleans and is exceptionally loving to me and constantly tells me I’m beautiful.We have a lot of the same interests; tv shows, movies, food etc. I do want children sometime in the future and he’s on the same page there. He’s also good to my family. They all like him but they don’t see how we’re together as I’m very outgoing and social and he’s quiet and not bothered about ever going out again. My friends seem to like him but I know the conversation they have with bf is awkward/ strained sometimes.He has opinions on women getting drunk and acting inappropriate and we’ve bickered a bit about this at times but nothing major.
We don’t tend to argue much at all.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this but I sometimes get a naggy feeling that we aren’t that well suited after all and then I have days when I think he’s the bees knees.
Sometimes I just feel a bit fed up with the whole situation, that he’s not working and that if I want to go out I know he’s not into that scene. I watch my friends with their partners and while they don’t go out much now either they have great fun together and can have a few drinks without been judged.
I do love him but I wish sometimes he’d just have fun and let his hair down but he’s happy to sit in every night and watch tv. My parents have a better social life than me!! Also the fact he’s not earning yet we can’t do much.
I don’t know what to think. My stbxh went out every weekend and it annoyed me (amongst other stuff) but now I have the complete opposite of that and I’m still wondering.
What is wrong with me?!

OP posts:
Justagirlwholovesaboy · 15/02/2019 02:09

Nothing is wrong with you, try instead asking what is wrong with him. It sounds like you are being used :(

Decormad38 · 15/02/2019 02:12

I think your missing out on a life you enjoy. You can still have nice people in your life but he is shackling you. Do you want to turn round in 10 years time and think about all you missed out on?

HirplesWithHaggis · 15/02/2019 02:12

What is wrong with YOU???? Where the fuck did that come from? You're with a total waster who doesn't work or contribute to your life, who moved into your home without so much as a by-your-leave and is now dictating your social life... what's wrong with you is being a doormat. Chuck him out, ffs.

rvby · 15/02/2019 02:15

There's nothing wrong with you...? He sounds awful! What on earth are you thinking, keeping him in your house???

Original poster
OneMoreVino · 15/02/2019 02:30

Thank you for all your replies. I really appreciate them. He’s not a bad person, although I know he doesn’t contribute. He does do all the cooking and cleaning so I guess that’s his way of contributing. I have just got a bit fed up of it though, maybe it’s bordering on boredom, I don’t know. He’s very sensitive and he can get very upset when I pull him on aspects I’m not happy with. He’s actually younger than me, which you’d never think.

OP posts:
alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 15/02/2019 02:38

You are being a mug! I bet he gets 'sensitive' when you tell him to pull his head out of his arse! Apart from not contributing he sounds like a bloody bore too. Just get rid of this millstone, you can do a lot better.

Smotheroffive · 15/02/2019 02:46

Its not 'nice' or lovely' or 'kind' to shack up in your home without any motivations to get job hunting in earnest, and assume he has some right to tell you you can't go out?? Once in two or three months!

That's shitty behaviour, and no wonder you are fed up of it

Time40 · 15/02/2019 03:08

He's using you, and controlling you. And he sounds boring! I'd tell him to move out.

LuckyLou7 · 15/02/2019 03:22

Sometimes holiday romances should stay as just that. You don't sound as if you have anything in common. Send him home.

Adversecamber22 · 15/02/2019 03:55

He gets upset? That’s handy because it means conversatios gets shut down.

Does he need a visa to stay in the country your both in?

He is using you completely and living off you and it’s not lovely to do some chores when actually you have zero else to do all day, of course he should.

Lozzerbmc · 15/02/2019 04:03

You just dont sound suited at all - a holiday romance is very different from real life romance and perhaps you didnt know each other well enough before he moved in.

Nc1548 · 15/02/2019 04:16

OP, how hard is it to get a job in his line of work? Does he actively look but nothing is coming up? Does he have a deadline to start broadening the search? Helping in the house is good while he looks as long as you both have a plan and he sticks to it.
Regarding social life it could just be that you are incompatible. Not all cultures have "binge drinking", as you describe it, as something normal, although social drinking is. It's up to you if you want to do binge drinking and up to him if he doesn't want to see you in that state.
Maybe you didn't know each other enough before you moved in together due to the circumstances and things will now start to come up.

pissedonatrain · 15/02/2019 04:37

Good grief, get him a one way ticket back to where he came from.

FlagFish · 15/02/2019 04:43

Nothing is wrong with you, OP! You moved in too quickly with this guy and he sounds really dull (sorry). Don’t worry about that - we all make mistakes. But it sounds like you would be ‘settling’ if you stay with this guy, and missing out on the opportunity to meet someone livelier and more fun and better suited to you. Do you think this relationship has run its course?

Silkie2 · 15/02/2019 04:47

I don't think anyone can just move to another country nowadays unless he is from an Eu country but even then he will need a visa post Brexit surely. Then he will need qualifications / proof of job / possibly X amount of pound in the bank.
Offer to pay his fare home and ask him to leave.

Longdistance · 15/02/2019 04:52

A boring cocklodger, great.
He needs a one way ticket home.

Original poster
OneMoreVino · 15/02/2019 05:03

I really appreciate all your replies.He has a 1 year working holiday visa which is up in the summer, I don’t think he can get a 2nd year one very easy. He’s Australian also. @flagfish I do think sometimes the relationship has run its course or either I’m the most confused mid 30’s girl ever! My ex was always out, without me, and a bit of a piss head (at weekends) so I always said I’d never go for that again but now I’m with someone that enjoys spending every minute with me and doesn’t want to go out. I can’t seem to get it right Grin I actually would miss his company greatly if he left but seeing all your replies has made me realize that I’m a bit soft really! I also have a bit of the fear factor of been left on the shelf and never having children Sad

OP posts:
DownUdderer · 15/02/2019 05:08

You wouldn’t want to have kids with someone as lazy as him!!! Come on!! If he’s not got a job he can sling his hook! He’s just getting free lodging at the moment.

itstrue · 15/02/2019 05:48

He's Australian and not from a binge drinking culture!

Sorry OP that's just not true. That's controlling your behaviour!

Singlenotsingle · 15/02/2019 05:59

It didn't take him long to move in, did it? I thought Aussies liked a tinnie or too? He doesn't sound very Australian; don't they like the outdoor life? Send him back. He's not fit for purpose.

LemonTT · 15/02/2019 08:25

Not all Australians are from white Anglo Saxon backgrounds.

ScabbyHorse · 15/02/2019 17:08

If you would like to have a kid I would ditch him ASAP!

SandyY2K · 15/02/2019 17:46

The truth is you started living together too soon. In a normal relationship you would have had time to get to know each other.

Sometimes holiday romances should be left at just that.

Silkie2 · 15/02/2019 22:28

He has a 1 year working holiday visa but chooses not to work but to scrounge off you for a year!!
What a waster, send him on his way.

Original poster
OneMoreVino · 16/02/2019 02:55

Thanks so much all you lovelies for your replies. I know something isn’t right, hence the post in the first place. I know I need to do something. I’m a bit of a chicken shit underneath it all though and hate hurting peoples feelings. Thanks so much x

OP posts: