I've left and I know I can't go back - I'm still scared I will though.

[Iwillnotbecomeatragicstatistic]

I am safe now.
We kept separate apartments.
He does not have my keys.
I have all my things.
I have bagged his stuff up.
I have blocked him and all his/our mutual friends on all channels.
I have spoken to my local equivalent of woman's aid.
I have told my fiercely protective and loving sister I have left him and cannot go back.
I have told two very close and longstanding friends why. I have asked them to call my sister (abroad) if they have the slightest suspicion I might go back.
I have written a collective email to a group of longstanding friends telling them I have left and will need support in the coming weeks. They have replied and rallied.
I have taken the rest of the week off work to take care of myself.
My friends are taking turns filling up my time.

I confronted him about an exchange of pictures of sexual nature I saw on his phone - per chance in the mirror - with a woman he had always maintained was an ex-sex-friend but now just his closest friend (she lives abroad) - I had always trusted him - always given him space - always respected his privacy- never delved- never asked questions .

Mumsnet- he put his hands around my throat. He pushed me out of the door while threating to throw my phone from a 5th-floor window in the middle of the night. He screamed so loudly neighbors rang the bell.

He had never even raised his voice at me before - If there were red flags I hadn't seen them.

I know he is dangerous. I know I can't go back.

Why am I still so scared I will?

He is a nasty bastard. You deserve better. Thank God you don't live together and he doesn't have a key.

I know. I have confronted bigger issues with longer-term exs in the past - no one has even shouted at me. I know this in not normal. I know the fact he went for my throat is atrocious. I know he doesn't deserve my love, respect or time. I know it is a red line on a one-way street. I know it was only an 18-month relationship. I know that it is the lesser of two evils that it happened now rather months of years down the line when our lives would have been more entwined. And yet, I'm still scared - scared that I still love him so much. Scared that when we eventually bump into each other again I will agree to have a coffee with him. I'm scared that I will still let him back in my life.

You are scared that you will start to remember all the good times. Because there always are good times, otherwise none of us would get involved with these men in the first place. They can be charming and convince us that we love them.

Maybe you are afraid that you will start to think it’s your fault, because you were snooping, you invaded his privacy. Or you shouldn’t have confronted him because he is tired / stressed about work / depressed/ his budgie died.

Or you triggered him because his ex was jealous as well Nd you should have known better. Or he’s having a breakdown and it’s not his fault, you should go back and try to fix him.

Or give him a second chance because you know all those years he was great.

Oh, they were great years. He is depressed - his mother is sick - he's just changed antidepressants. I wasn't snooping through - the idiot was across from me at the table and I saw the reflexion of the photo in the fireplace mirror - it looked like genitals and a magic wand - it was.
I know I can't fix him.
He put his hands around my throat.
I know there is no possible justification or way this is okay. My shoulders still ache from him pulling me to the door. I know he is dangerous.
I'm just hoping that the days that past will strengthen my resolve to not see him - not weaken it.

You sound very collected and logical and your list of what you've done to avoid any back tracking is impressive. Surely now you can stick to that resolve? You know you must, he is not only dangerous but just generally bad news if that is the level of respect he has for you. Good luck!

@pog100
I've just been thinking of the strong women of Mumsnet - repeating in my head - what would Mumsnet say?

I am an educated privileged stable independent young woman. I was smug in my awareness - but I am self aware enough to know that I am no different to millions of women who end up with abusive partners and I cannot let that happen to me.

I never thought it would happen to me though.

Friends will be joining me shortly I'm on a lively terrasse people watching. I'm watching how soft life can be. After weeks of greyness, the skies were really blue today. I'm trying to see that as a sign. Life will go on.

Keep strong. Keep away.

You have this! You need to believe you are worth so much more!

Well done for leaving. You are strong, you left. You won’t go back.
Sometimes you won’t feel strong but you have a network who love you and will support you. And I bet they are so pleased you left.
There are programs out there if you want/need then to help.
Sending you a unmumsnet hug

I'm back home, alone, first night on my own - spent last night at friends.
And I'm feeling so alone. I'm still so shocked.

OP you sound so intelligent, capable and vibrant, and you’ve showed huge strength and courage to get this far. Does this woman who I’ve just described sound like she deserves a dangerous violent cheating partner like him?

I know he doesn't deserve me and I deserve respect.
I'm just so torn between rationality and the desire to hear his voice - see his face etc etc

Did you report this to the police,dear? You really ought to get this in writing to the authorities

@EKGEMS
I'm not in the UK - I don't really trust the police here

Oh boy that's terrible

@EKGEMS
Oh I'm in Europe - and the police aren't all that bad - but the thing is that there is no equivalent of Clare's law or anything here and that from previous experiences with the police I'm not sure it's worth me doing anything and I unfortunately, feel it would just be a waste of time and the little energy I have left.

Here in the states it depends on the state and local jurisdictions and frankly the police officer who responds.

He's written an email from an address I didn't know he has - I have about an hour and a half before a friend arrives - I want to reply - I'm shaking

Hello OP.

Block and delete. Block and delete. Block and delete.

Don’t reply. He wants to draw you back in.

Just spend the evening with a very close friend - she has left - When I have friends with me I feel strong- but once I'm alone again - I just feel so lost.

He has sent me 3 apologetic emails this evening- I want to reply- but I will not - I hope I will not.

I have blocked as much as I can - but he is just sending from different accounts.

Tomorrow I'm going to spend the day with friends - what is so ironic is that the friends in question are an ex- boyfriend and his now wife - I met her through him after they were together - I was her witness at their marriage - not his - she wanted be to be her witness because she said she knew I hold him to high standards.

I need to maintain those high standards for myself now.

Three more emails this morning - I miss him

Would it help to realise that you miss the "idea" of he was like and not the reality though?

Could you set up an email forwarding thing to one of your friends or sister - they can delete any from him but let you see emails you need to deal with? Even just temporarily until you get your head cleared and feel stronger?

You can do this - repeat - I can do this - I can do this.
Well done for coming this far

If he was sorry he would never have dont it - the sex pics or putting his hands around your throat. He is now taking you for a mug by thinking a simple apology makes everything all right. No decent man would do such things. you are worth more than that. You are not alone. You have very good friends to support you. Hold your head high and move on. DONT BECOME ANOTHER STATISTIC

I second Unsoftly’s comment - that you don’t miss him, you miss your idealised version of him.
Who in their right mind would miss a cheating violent bastard who grabbed you by the throat and could have murdered you in a rage?
There’s an excellent song by Chely Wright, about leaving a man like this. The chorus goes:
“I’m the voice you never listened to
And I had to break your heart to make you see
That he’s the one who will be missing you
And you’ll only miss the man
You wanted him to be”
It’s called “Shut up and Drive” - not to be confused with the different Rihanna song of the same name! - and you can hear it on Youtube. I think it describes your mind set very well.
Please don’t even think of replying to his emails. He’s a typical abuser, trying to reel you back onto the hook by crocodile tears and pretences of remorse. Stay strong. He showed you exactly who he was when he grabbed your throat - your potential future murderer.