I've left and I know I can't go back - I'm still scared I will though.

[Iwillnotbecomeatragicstatistic]

I am safe now.
We kept separate apartments.
He does not have my keys.
I have all my things.
I have bagged his stuff up.
I have blocked him and all his/our mutual friends on all channels.
I have spoken to my local equivalent of woman's aid.
I have told my fiercely protective and loving sister I have left him and cannot go back.
I have told two very close and longstanding friends why. I have asked them to call my sister (abroad) if they have the slightest suspicion I might go back.
I have written a collective email to a group of longstanding friends telling them I have left and will need support in the coming weeks. They have replied and rallied.
I have taken the rest of the week off work to take care of myself.
My friends are taking turns filling up my time.

I confronted him about an exchange of pictures of sexual nature I saw on his phone - per chance in the mirror - with a woman he had always maintained was an ex-sex-friend but now just his closest friend (she lives abroad) - I had always trusted him - always given him space - always respected his privacy- never delved- never asked questions .

Mumsnet- he put his hands around my throat. He pushed me out of the door while threating to throw my phone from a 5th-floor window in the middle of the night. He screamed so loudly neighbors rang the bell.

He had never even raised his voice at me before - If there were red flags I hadn't seen them.

I know he is dangerous. I know I can't go back.

Why am I still so scared I will?

If you can't block emails, double delete them straight away. Then there's no temptation to reply.

How I wish I had been you. Violence in my relationship began with throttling. But I was so confused, ashamed and controlled I just carried on and it got worse and worse. I am out of it now but I had allowed our lives to become so intertwined it's been so complex to entirely walk away unless I want to wave goodbye to half the money I had when I first met him.

Thankyou - women of mumsnet

@Babdoc I'm listening to your song on a loop

The skies are still blue.

I'm about to head out to see friends.

I got up this morning made coffee - did a little work and put a load of washing on.

I still feel shaky - I know it will take a while. I have so many images whirling round in my head.

I've just had a text from his mother asking what sort of time we think we'll pop over tomorrow for lunch - he hasn't answered - she thinks his phone must be out of power

I'm going to listen to tom petty and head out.

And try not to loose anything or bump into any lamposts whilst daydreaming

I'd briefly explain to his mother what happened and that you have split up. It will make it more real for you.

Keep remembering his hands on your throat. That is the biggest of red flags. There is no excuse. He could kill you next time.

@Whocansay No next time - that's what I keep telling myself.

I don't want to get into an exchange with his mother - I know she will be sad and ashamed - she is sick at the moment - she goes back into hospital on Monday - no longer my issue - I know - but I also know she'll ask why - and given how she reacted to one of her other sons having an affair last year - she hasn't spoken to him since and they paid for their daughter in laws lawyer... I can't bring myself to tell her now.

I think I might just reply that I've got other plans for tomorrow

@shallichangemyname

I never thought I'd write this - I'm very much in the real world - and not online - but I am who I am thanks to mumsnet as well.

I keep on thinking or the acronym WWJD (what would Jesus do?) it used to be a thing when I was a teenager - I'm not religious but some of my friends had these little rubber bracelets with WWJD on them - to look at in times of temptation. My version is WWMD ( What would Mumsnet do) I'm trying to think of all the strong women testimonies I've read over the last couple of years on Mumsnet - I came here looking for advice on my sister's wedding dress.

I have a fuck off fund thanks to mumsnet

www.thebillfold.com/2016/01/a-story-of-a-fuck-off-fund/

And now - I'm gonna use it !

Tell his mother and why you are not going back. It will make it more real for you. It will also make it more difficult to go back.

I'm back home alone - and I've chickened out of replying to his mother. And fuck I miss him - trying to hang on to the fact that I miss the idea of him - not him.

Hi OP, I know you’re going through it at the moment. I just wanted to write because you are amazing. You may not feel it but you are so strong. I hope that if anything like that happened to me, I could be as strong as you. You should be proud of yourself. I’m sorry this piece of shit did this to you.

I would reply to his mother. Don’t hide from what happened. And it will also make it harder to go back.
You can do this.

Could you help me with ideas of texts to send to his mother? I don't know who to phrase it - how much detail to include - what to say. I know I shouldn't be but I'm ashamed.

I cracked and replied to an email of his.

That's not so bad as long as you don't agree to see him.

How are u doing OP?

OP I know this is hard and it takes time for your heart to catch up with your head but keep remembering this is for your long term happiness.
Keep remembering how it felt when he put his hands around your neck and the fear you felt then.
The relationship you remember is gone now, forever changed by his actions. If you were to go back you'd be walking on eggshells waiting for the next thing to set him off, it's no life for anyone. Hard as it is, you deserve someone who will treat you with respect and love. That person is out there waiting for you, don't waste anymore of your love and energy on this person who willingly set out to hurt you and cause you pain. Stay strong, you've got this

Thank you - I'm just feeling so shit - so shit any betrayed - the violence was unacceptable - I just don't understand his betrayal - we had a pretty open sex life - what was he seeking with this "friend" of his that I didn't give him? And yet I know there is nothing to understand. I'm so cross with myself for being so emotional - for being so hurt.

I have not agreed to see him. But I know that if he called, I'd pick up on the first ring.

This man committed violence against you.

He cheated on you, right there at the table.

You are not to blame for his infidelity. It is not about you being enough. This is about him, the man in the mirror. He feels entitled to seek sexual thrills. He feels entitled to brutalize you.

He is a violent, cheating thug. If you value yourself, you will not return to him.