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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel terrible about ex

30 replies

Readytorewind · 14/02/2019 08:45

Hi all, looking for some advice as I haven't slept all night and just generally anxious and worrying.

Ex and I split up at the beginning of November, after 3 years. Some of you might remember my various threads about him under other usernames. He's the one who neglected my DD's hatchling tortoise and it died, the one who let his dogs piss and shit in his house and I had to clean it up etc. He was an addict, I knew he smoked weed but when I found out he had moved onto cocaine I ended the relationship to safeguard my dc's.

We haven't really spoken since we split up until last night, when he started texting me asking why it had finished. I stupidly got into it with him and he turned round and blamed his lack of self esteem, addiction and erectile dysfunction on me. He says I humiliated him because at the start of the relationship I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him as I had feelings for someone much younger who I had been seeing on/off for a year previously. I kissed this other person 2 weeks into seeing ex. I told him later but didn't think he would be bothered as we hadn't had the exclusive talk when it happened but he took it very badly and it was a feature throughout our relationship. he was jealous, paranoid and insecure about this person. I tried my hardest to 'prove' to my ex that I wanted to be with him, that I chose him and that I loved him. I put up with a lot of shit regarding his addiction, his depression and bailed him out financially to the tune of thousands of pounds.

So fast forward to last night and he starts intently questioning me about whether I have started seeing someone else, which I have, but it is very new. Only been on 6 dates with him. He had worked it out anyway due to us being recent friends on FB. He was relentlessly questioning about whether I had slept with the new guy, which I did fr the first time recently. I could kick myself but he was directly asking me repeatedly and I was trying to get DD to sleep and I just lost my temper and said yes I have, are you happy now?

I feel terrible. He hasn't been online since and I am worried he will do something stupid as he has verbalised suicidal ideation in the past. I am frantic. Anyone got any advice about what I should do? His long term ex is his neighbour and has a key to their house, they still own together and he lives in it (that's a whole other thread). Should I contact her and ask her to check on him?

I know I come across terribly on this thread, please be gentle as I feel really raw and upset. Thanks x

OP posts:

Unutterable · 14/02/2019 08:49

You sound like you enjoy the drama. On this occasion you should probably ask the ex to check on him, but otherwise completely disengage. Nothing good can come of you being friends on Facebook.

juneau · 14/02/2019 08:52

Well done, you've been sucked back in. This is exactly what he wants.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 14/02/2019 08:56

The whole thing is so toxic. Just block him and move on he sounds awful and both of you together sounds horrendous

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/02/2019 08:56

You've been sucked right back in, haven't you? Why hadn't you blocked his number and taken him off your facebook?

Do that now and don't engage again.

GroggyLegs · 14/02/2019 08:56

he was directly asking me repeatedly and I was trying to get DD to sleep

It's too late now, but this is the point where you turn the phone off and concentrate on your current life, not engaging with a ranting ex.

It was none of his business. There was no good reason to discuss anything about it with him.

Yes for your own wellbeing, get some reassurance from someone else that he's ok but then leave each other alone. Don't go round because then you're playing his game.

TheFaerieQueene · 14/02/2019 08:58

This is why phones have a block function

INoahGuy · 14/02/2019 08:58

You split up 3 months ago. You both need to move on, none of this does either of you any good.

WatcherOfTheSkies · 14/02/2019 09:00

Don't get involved in his dramas.

It's probably not a coincidence that he has paranoia and is smoking weed.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/02/2019 09:01

You don't sound terrible but you don't have to engage.
You can put a phone down / hang up on someone.
Please block him now.
On everything. Phone, email, all social media.
And get his ex to check in on him.
Then leave it all alone.
If he does anything stupid, then that is his lookout. His decision.

punishmepunisher · 14/02/2019 09:02

Fuck that cunt. He killed your tortoise.

I remember your previous thread. Anyone who harms or neglects a pet can do one.

Original poster

Readytorewind · 14/02/2019 09:24

Unutterable I don't enjoy the drama. I removed him off my Facebook and haven't spoken to him in three months. He messaged me from another account and I bit because he was laying ALL the blame for our relationship breakdown at my door. I accept some responsibility but he made it impossible.

You are all right though. I have been completely fine this past three months, life has been calm and nice. We are toxic. Perhaps I snapped and told him I had slept with someone else to finally nail the ridiculous coffin of our relationship shut. I will block the new account and get on with it. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Blessingsdragon1 · 14/02/2019 10:29

So who gives a fuck where HE lays the blame ? Grow up move on - it's not complicated

Wild123 · 14/02/2019 10:39

Your are not responsible for his actions.

Going forward there is absolutely no point replying to any further messages from him. Let him blame you all he wants you will never be able to persuade him otherwise.

Ragnarthe · 14/02/2019 10:39

It doesn't matter any more if he blames you. So what? You know what happened. He clearly doesn't think his own behaviour is wrong in any way so who gives a shit what he thinks?
Block him. Move on with your life.
Be happy.

0ccamsRazor · 14/02/2019 10:44

Why have you not blocked him op?

Original poster

Readytorewind · 14/02/2019 10:45

Blocked. Everywhere. Phone. Email. Work phone. New FB account.

This is exactly why MN is needed. As women we are conditioned (and I definitely am) to care and feel responsible for people's feelings, even when they are directly impacting on us negatively. I need people on here to tell me that it's okay to drop people out of my life who are not healthy for me. Thanks all

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 14/02/2019 10:46

Nasty bastard let an animal die. I would LTB just for that. Never mind being a druggie. If he kills himself it's up to him not you.

Unutterable · 14/02/2019 11:12

Good work OP, all the best

Ragnarthe · 14/02/2019 11:13

You can do it

punishmepunisher · 14/02/2019 11:21

Well done OP. 👏👏👏

Musti · 14/02/2019 12:23

Well done and don't engage with him again. What he does is nothing to do with you. Even if he hadn't had had issues (drugs, jealousy etc) you're still perfectly entitled to end a relationship you no longer want to be in for whatever reason.

northernlights0710 · 14/02/2019 12:42

This is exactly why MN is needed. As women we are conditioned (and I definitely am) to care and feel responsible for people's feelings, even when they are directly impacting on us negatively. I need people on here to tell me that it's okay to drop people out of my life who are not healthy for me. Thanks all.

This is me. And a big thanks from me to everyone too!

OP, you dumped him 3 months ago (because he killed your poor tortoise - that would be enough for me). Whether you are in a new relationship or having sex with a different man every night is none of his business!!!!

I suspect he wants to keep you roped in because he's in such a chaotic mess that most women would want nothing to do with him.

If your ex wants to kill himself, that is his decision. A friend of mine was roped into staying with her ex for years because he threatened suicide every time he thought she was going to leave.

She finally got out because she was frightened of him and of course, he threatened suicide again. That was 2 years ago, and he's still very much alive. I'm not saying your ex is the same, he may well commit suicide if his life is out of control and he is depressed, but it wouldn't be your fault. And you can't be at his beck and call because you think he might top himself. That's what he wants.

northernlights0710 · 14/02/2019 12:44

Oh, sorry OP, I missed your latest actions. Well done!

Notwiththeseknees · 14/02/2019 15:19

Perhaps before you block him, you should tell him not only have you slept with your new guy, it was totally amazing, he wasn't off his tits on coke, his dick worked and you didn't have to get up and clean up dog shit afterwards !! But then I am a bit of a bitch ......

feralfanny · 14/02/2019 15:25

I had a friend request yesterday for an abusive ex of about 10 years ago.
I refused it and blocked him.
If I hadn't I would no doubt be starting an identical thread to this one today!!!

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