I feel terrible about ex

[Readytorewind]

Hi all, looking for some advice as I haven't slept all night and just generally anxious and worrying.

Ex and I split up at the beginning of November, after 3 years. Some of you might remember my various threads about him under other usernames. He's the one who neglected my DD's hatchling tortoise and it died, the one who let his dogs piss and shit in his house and I had to clean it up etc. He was an addict, I knew he smoked weed but when I found out he had moved onto cocaine I ended the relationship to safeguard my dc's.

We haven't really spoken since we split up until last night, when he started texting me asking why it had finished. I stupidly got into it with him and he turned round and blamed his lack of self esteem, addiction and erectile dysfunction on me. He says I humiliated him because at the start of the relationship I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him as I had feelings for someone much younger who I had been seeing on/off for a year previously. I kissed this other person 2 weeks into seeing ex. I told him later but didn't think he would be bothered as we hadn't had the exclusive talk when it happened but he took it very badly and it was a feature throughout our relationship. he was jealous, paranoid and insecure about this person. I tried my hardest to 'prove' to my ex that I wanted to be with him, that I chose him and that I loved him. I put up with a lot of shit regarding his addiction, his depression and bailed him out financially to the tune of thousands of pounds.

So fast forward to last night and he starts intently questioning me about whether I have started seeing someone else, which I have, but it is very new. Only been on 6 dates with him. He had worked it out anyway due to us being recent friends on FB. He was relentlessly questioning about whether I had slept with the new guy, which I did fr the first time recently. I could kick myself but he was directly asking me repeatedly and I was trying to get DD to sleep and I just lost my temper and said yes I have, are you happy now?

I feel terrible. He hasn't been online since and I am worried he will do something stupid as he has verbalised suicidal ideation in the past. I am frantic. Anyone got any advice about what I should do? His long term ex is his neighbour and has a key to their house, they still own together and he lives in it (that's a whole other thread). Should I contact her and ask her to check on him?

I know I come across terribly on this thread, please be gentle as I feel really raw and upset. Thanks x

This is exactly why MN is needed. As women we are conditioned (and I definitely am) to care and feel responsible for people's feelings, even when they are directly impacting on us negatively. I need people on here to tell me that it's okay to drop people out of my life who are not healthy for me. Thanks all.

Yes, we are.

You don't have to answer on thread, but is someone in your family of origin an addict? It can often result in co-dependency in your adult relationships.

Well done blocking him.
I was gonna say, he doesn't need checked on as he us happy as larry as he knows you will still share your most in intimate details with him so he still gas control.
So in blocking him you have taken back control. Don't ever speak to him again. I also advise you ditch any mutual contacts and block them off your social media too.

Why had he not been removed as an FB friend?

Block and stop engaging with him.

He was removed as a friend. He used another profile

None of my family of origin are addicts but I was sexually abused and raped by a family member as a child. My boundaries have been extremely poor in the past. It is something I have been working hard on.

Well done for working on them OP and keep on doing it.

Have a look at the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships Board if you haven't already. There are some great recommendations for resources, books, etc. "A Woman In My Own Right" by Anne Dickinson is particularly powerful for boundary setting.

From a different point of view, read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Boeker. Learn to recognise major red flags.

but nothing will change until you start putting those boundaries in place - and keeping them. POW! You just neutralised fear, obligation and guilt.

My life has been SO much better since setting and enforcing boundaries with my family of origin. I've had to accept that means no or limited contact with family members that I love, but are detrimental to my mental health.

Good luck, you deserve to thrive