Do guys mean what they say ? I want our family to work but he's not giving interest through text

[Cr20]

I'm sure if you look at my previous posts you'll see that me and baby's dad are no longer together and was struggling as we lived together and I'm back at my mums and so is he , he'll be 25 this year and I'll be 21 so we are still young but fell head over heels for one another and I fell pregnant but we both felt it was so right and that we wanted to be together forever and that nothing else mattered!

Anyways it's been 6 months we've been apart and we are getting along better than ever after the break up for the baby's sake drop offs and pick ups are short and sweet but me and his dad will talk about him and to each other how our night out etc was and we still have the odd occasional flirt when dropping him off

When we first split up I know he started seeing a girl from his work after a few months not been together but now he told me they aren't seeing one another anymore and the more I see him the stronger feelings keep coming back and he'll text every day asking how our son is and I can't exactly ignore it to try the non contact rule it's just impossible when there is a child involved! It's a really difficult situation and I try not to open myself up to him because I don't want to ruin the fact we are now getting along as coparents for our son and push him further away.

He text yesterday saying he wanted to take our son to South Africa the start of next year as his sister lives over there and moving the year after to Texas and will be a good opportunity to go and spend time with his dad and cousins but at the same time I feel selfish by saying this but because I've got our son every day apart from one day at the weekend I'll feel lost and the fact that if we were a family I'd be going aswell as I got on with his family and we're meant to go on a family holiday last year but couldn't get along so his mum can't instead which was sad and I feel upset that I wouldn't be going to South Africa either but a lot can happen in a year but I don't want to get to ahead of myself and we don't get back as he might not want to try again.

Well last night I messaged after him asking how our son was and what was happening Saturday I replied aw it’ll be good everyone together to celebrate and he replied it’s for M not for us ... I replied that’s what I’m saying it’ll be good and I just lost it I text back and I’ve not done this since we split but I just couldn’t control it
I text back

“Not everything’s always about you not wanting to do things as a “family” it’s our sons day stop getting your point across every time you’ve got the chance to tell me you don’t want me and that your basically only coming for our son. I’m glad you are and it’s nice but I can’t do this you Constantly hurting me telling me you don’t want us.”
so he replied to that

"Because I don’t want us, you seem to think we’re still gonna get back together! And I’m not saying that to hurt you I’m saying it do you know“

Hes done this before but not been for this long but he has but he has told me to go then come back he never meant anything he said bla bla
he’s doing all the wrong actions and don’t add up with what he’s saying.

We were madly in love with one another at the start and we done everything together it’s just when baby came along things got hard.. does anyone’s relationship taste in anyway??

I just want to feel I’m not alone getting shut off when a girls dream is to have her family

He’s been clear OP, there is no future for you as a family. You need to hear what he’s saying but you clearly are not. I’m sorry I know you want something different. You need to accept it and move on.

He is being really clear. He doesn't want to get back together. He has picked up on the vibe, that you think it's a chance and so is being clear.

I totally get it, though. I have been a single parent. Off at feelings of wanting the family back. But at some point you have to accept it's not going to happen.

OP you need to wake up and listen to what he is saying. He is being crystal clear that he does not want to get back with you, he is there for his son but there will be no happy ever after.

You seem to think that he's just playing hard to get and that you will all be playing happy families soon. You are setting yourself up for a massive disappointment. Concentrate on building an amicable co-parent relationship with him instead of fantasising about him being 'the one'.

Yes they mean what they say in this situation. He is being deliberate and assertive to ensure he gets his point across.

You must accept his decision and his feelings even it is hurts. You must not allow your hurt to get in the way of him being a parent.

Stop talking yourself into an imagined romance. Just keep telling yourself he is not in love with you, you did not work out as a couple and you will move on and find someone else.

Why would you want someone who treats you like this? He isn’t interested, he doesn’t love you. It hurts but you need to accept it and work on being happy alone and eventually you’ll meet someone else.

Everyone thinks they are madly in love in the beginning. I’m much older than you and it’s happened to me several times now, each time it’s a sort of madness and you think this is “it” and that’s the person for you etc and in years to come you will look back and think what the fuck was I thinking?! (And I say that as someone who went through a divorce where my ex left me for an ex he reconnected with on Facebook).

Cut contact right down, message him only about your child and block him on all social media etc. It’s the only way you’ll get over this.

I agree with other posters. He doesn't want you.

Yes he means what he says. He is repeating it specifically because he knows you think he doesn't mean it. He does!!

If he was a chancer he would be leading you on/stringing you on. It's nice that he isn't. You need to move on. Parent together like you are now. No more flirting. Keep it strictly to about your son.

He is doing more than "not giving interest" through text. He is saying IM NOT INTERESTED. Very clear.

It's a shame that it didn't work out. But as you know, you are young. You found out quite early on it didn't work, which is good in a way. There will be other chances for a nice family set up in the future. For now just focus on DS.

Why would you want someone who treats you like this?

Treats her like what?

As in he doesn’t want her. I’m not saying he’s treating her badly. I just meant you want someone who wants you.

I think everyone has summed it up for you OP. I also think you are going to be angry when the realisation finally hits you so be very very very careful not to punish him through your child. People do that even without meaning to when they are angry and upset.

But that's not how is his treating her though.

I just think if we start down the path of hinting he is doing something wrong, it could make op feel shorter and impact their parenting.

He isn't doing anything wrong. It didn't work out. He is still trying to be a good parent and being clear they aren't going to be a couple.

To answer your question, yes he does mean what he says. He couldn’t put it more clearly however hard that is for you to accept.

Ok gosh. I’m sorry I wrote a sentence a little wrong. The sentiment in my post was clear.

Look, OP, I'm going to be blunt here. MOVE ON. IT'S OVER.

You were far too young to get so serious with someone and to have a baby and have some daft notion about love's young dream and being a perfectly family. You weren't emotionally mature enough to have a baby yet as is clear from your various previous posts.

In December, you announced your ex was in a new relationship and you yourself had been chatting to boy and had been on a date with him and wanted advice on dating as a single mum. WHOA. Slow the fuck up! You've not been split up from the man you somehow thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with and were still in love with (according to a previous post) but here you were dating someone else already.

He's been abundantly clear but you're not getting the message. We're all telling you. It's done, finished, kaput, dead.

Don't start going looking for a new bloke already, that's bloody ridiculous based on all you've said previously. Spend some significant time on your own with your son and don't even think about men (as opposed to boys). There's plenty of time ahead for that and your head is some time off being in the right place to go there.

He has not given any indication, that he see’s you as part of his future. Let him go

agree with a pp saying dont jump to a new relationship, give yourself some time with your dc.
also, if you continue texting everyday you cant move on, even if its about your dc, you have to put a limit there. there is no need to text everyday.
and, let someone from your family deal with the passing of dc to your ex, you dont need to be there.
so, in summary move yourself away from him and concentrate on your own life.

sorry you're going through this OP but he's being very clear. I agree with other posters here that you need to limit your contact with him so you can move on (which I know is hard when you have a child together)

I'll feel lost and the fact that if we were a family I'd be going aswell as I got on with his family and we're meant to go on a family holiday last year but couldn't get along so his mum can't instead which was sad and I feel upset that I wouldn't be going to South Africa either but a lot can happen in a year but I don't want to get to ahead of myself and we don't get back as he might not want to try again.

OP, in the nicest possible way, you sound very, very young, and hung up on 'family' holidays you now feel excluded from. This isn't going to happen, and you won't be going to South Africa -- this man is your ex, he has been and is being extremely clear that he does not envisage a future with you, and that your interaction is purely for the benefit of your child.

It's great that the co-parenting situation is working well, and while I appreciate that if you still have feelings for him, the frequent contact must be difficult, but I think you need to focus on your co-parenting partnership, and forget him as a romantic partner. It didn't work first time around, and to be brutally frank, he's no longer interested in you in that way.

Be kind to yourself, but stop hoping, and stop blaming him -- he's being very clear about how he sees the future.

I agree what everyone is saying! I've took time out completely from my phone and off social media. I need to get over it and I feel it would be easier if I could just shut him out my life but I can't as he texts about our child everyday , I want to limit contact but how do I do it without him starting an argument about me not texting back or thinking I'm being rude.

@ShatnersWig

I am really sorry OP but someone needs to tell you: GROW UP!

Everything you type is about YOU:

YOU miss being a family
YOU miss family holidays
YOU want to limit contact
YOU want to shut him out tomake life easier for YOU

Your ex has been very. very clear. He has not led you n, from what you have said. All the angst is coming from you!

I just want to feel I’m not alone getting shut off when a girls dream is to have her family Of course you aren't alone in that. Everyone gets dumped, many get dumped with a child or children. Some get dumped multiple times, some early in a relationship, some after many years. We ALL experience that loss.

That's WE ALL are telling you to take a deep breath and distance yoruself fromt he fantasy world you have in your head. It is a fairy tale. Remember the good bits and let it go - as one fairtyale princess will tell you!

To those telling op to grow up, she’s only 20!

Yippee yep! And a mother to boot.

Many of us older MNers will tell you we had left home, been fully independent for a few years by age 20... so OP is not a child. She doesn't need to be mollycoddled. Sometimes the harder side of real life has to be attended to!

I need to get over it and I feel it would be easier if I could just shut him out my life but I can't as he texts about our child everyday , I want to limit contact but how do I do it without him starting an argument about me not texting back or thinking I'm being rude.

Maybe you need to have a chat with him then and tell him, "Look, you tell me that I need to accept we're not getting back together but then constantly text me making it hard for me to get over you and move on with my life. Can you please try and cut back on those messages?"

When I was a just a small bit older than you I was in a similarish situation, I did eventually start moving on and all of a sudden the ex decided he was interested so I stopped seeing a new person....then he wasn't interested anymore. Tried the same thing a second time but luckily I didn't fall for it twice, so be careful of that too when you do move on.

When he texts about your child you keep your reply to just about your child. That’s it. Nothing about you or him or asking how he is or anything else.