Do guys mean what they say ? I want our family to work but he's not giving interest through text

[Cr20]

I'm sure if you look at my previous posts you'll see that me and baby's dad are no longer together and was struggling as we lived together and I'm back at my mums and so is he , he'll be 25 this year and I'll be 21 so we are still young but fell head over heels for one another and I fell pregnant but we both felt it was so right and that we wanted to be together forever and that nothing else mattered!

Anyways it's been 6 months we've been apart and we are getting along better than ever after the break up for the baby's sake drop offs and pick ups are short and sweet but me and his dad will talk about him and to each other how our night out etc was and we still have the odd occasional flirt when dropping him off

When we first split up I know he started seeing a girl from his work after a few months not been together but now he told me they aren't seeing one another anymore and the more I see him the stronger feelings keep coming back and he'll text every day asking how our son is and I can't exactly ignore it to try the non contact rule it's just impossible when there is a child involved! It's a really difficult situation and I try not to open myself up to him because I don't want to ruin the fact we are now getting along as coparents for our son and push him further away.

He text yesterday saying he wanted to take our son to South Africa the start of next year as his sister lives over there and moving the year after to Texas and will be a good opportunity to go and spend time with his dad and cousins but at the same time I feel selfish by saying this but because I've got our son every day apart from one day at the weekend I'll feel lost and the fact that if we were a family I'd be going aswell as I got on with his family and we're meant to go on a family holiday last year but couldn't get along so his mum can't instead which was sad and I feel upset that I wouldn't be going to South Africa either but a lot can happen in a year but I don't want to get to ahead of myself and we don't get back as he might not want to try again.

Well last night I messaged after him asking how our son was and what was happening Saturday I replied aw it’ll be good everyone together to celebrate and he replied it’s for M not for us ... I replied that’s what I’m saying it’ll be good and I just lost it I text back and I’ve not done this since we split but I just couldn’t control it
I text back

“Not everything’s always about you not wanting to do things as a “family” it’s our sons day stop getting your point across every time you’ve got the chance to tell me you don’t want me and that your basically only coming for our son. I’m glad you are and it’s nice but I can’t do this you Constantly hurting me telling me you don’t want us.”
so he replied to that

"Because I don’t want us, you seem to think we’re still gonna get back together! And I’m not saying that to hurt you I’m saying it do you know“

Hes done this before but not been for this long but he has but he has told me to go then come back he never meant anything he said bla bla
he’s doing all the wrong actions and don’t add up with what he’s saying.

We were madly in love with one another at the start and we done everything together it’s just when baby came along things got hard.. does anyone’s relationship taste in anyway??

I just want to feel I’m not alone getting shut off when a girls dream is to have her family

Have you heard of limerence OP? It might be worth reading up about to see if you feel your thoughts and fantasies about a perfect family life with ex fall into this category.

I think perhaps you need to focus on your ex's relationship with your DS rather than yourself. Aim to build a healthy co- parent style between you. You have a child together and will therefore be in each other's lives forever, just not a romantic way.

@CuriousaboutSamphire
I think what your saying is correct and it's not all about me I'll have you know! Your hearing bits of my story that I'm struggling with because he's an amazing father to our child and we are good coparents , I'm young and I've had my home that we both lived in and i moved back in with my mum as we were over , I've accepted it ; what I'm telling you is the constantly trying to contact me is hard because it's making me think of him again so you could have said in a nicer manner and I would have had more respect with what you were saying! Ye your brutal and honest but no need for the rudeness you don't know me and the other sides and parts of the story.

@CuriousaboutSamphire
I've got a good job and work I don't just rely on benifits and as soon as we split Ive been to housings and just a waiting game now for me and my son! I do things with my child every day and go out and make sure he's living the best life. My mum and dad split last year aswell so right now I'm coming from a broken-hearted family facing my mums emotions aswell as my own. so id appreciate you keep your nose out my private life that's not even apart of what my question was

I am aware of that, Cr20 But the words you choose to share are all we have to go on.

It cannot be at all comfortable for you to feel that way every time your ex contats you to see your child. It is absolutely imperative for your own long term health that you get to grips with the change in your relationship.

I wasn't aiming to be rude, I was aiming to get your attention and maybe help you disconnect from the emotions you feel when he contacts you.

Even when you say he is"an amazing father" you are tapping into those emotions. Not saying he isn;t a good father, just trying to say that you have to stop thinking of that in relationship to you. It will only hurt you further!

The other parts of your story are yours to share or not share. But don't feel put upon for people responding to that which you do share! There are few here that wish to hurt and many who have been where you are!

Funny that! I hadn't poked my nose in, or asked for more information, quite the opposite. Nor had I h=judged you as a parent!

But if you are now angry then please, for your own long term benefit, use it and get yourself into a better head space than you originally posted about!

I think that he has been really, really clear that he does not want to get back together with you at any point.

I am so sorry but you need to put that hope totally out of your head. When you get those 'but what if...' or 'I wish...' thoughts, you need to take a step back and focus on something active and positive. Work on building other friendships etc.

I've been there and I know how terrible it feels, I can promise you it will be worth it though.

Have a read of this article OP. Does it resonate with you? Understanding why you feel this way and 'seeing through' the feelings may help you come to terms with the change in status of your relationship properly.

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-difference-between-love-limerence-a-therapist-explains--26885

Curious about another is spot on. She hasn't been rude but has just put her view succinctly.

You split up 6 months ago and it does sound like your ex is trying to handle pick ups and drop offs in an adult way. He doesn't want to try again with you but is being friendly for the sake of your child.

I do think perhaps you could ask him not to text (other than to make contact arrangements) which may help you come to terms with no longer being together.

• CuriousaboutSamphire not Curious about another. (Missed that on the preview pane - sorry).

I would just be really honest. He can't really have a come back to it. Say you are struggling to let the relationship go and therefore could you stick to messages every other day, or whatever suits.

To be honest co parents don’t need to provide daily updates on the status of the child when in their care. I mean in the time before mobiles it all went well.

I think you need to agree that if anything untoward happens you will inform each other. Otherwise all ok. I don’t do Facebook etc but that might be a way to keep each other informed. Although you need to be careful about what you post from a safeguarding POV. Alternatively an unsolicited update as appropriate will do. No need for social niceties between you both.

This daily texting will all go by the wayside when new partners come on the scene. Do both of you need to address it now. As others say just tell him to stop

@Cr20 some people on here have been rude to you! I think you are in a very hard and painful situation - so I completely sympathise.

It's incredibly difficult being a single parent - and if you hve feelings for your ex then the fact you share a child together makes it seem impossible to move on.

I think you need to stop the daily texting. Tell him you find it hard and want to stop it - he needs to just wait and see his son when it's his turn. If he wants regular photos etc tell him you will email him stuff once a week.

Take time to put space between the two of you so that your parenting relationship doesnt suffer.

Its natural that you find this hard - ignore the people being rude to you on here.

Of course you want and dream about family holidays - again, its painful to see a dream go away that you believed in. But there is a long life of co-parenting ahead - at some point your ex is going to get a new partner and unless you pull awaw soon that is going to be extremely painful.

I agree with others - he could not be making it more clear that he doesn't want to be with you. Let him go - he is allowed to move on.

@waterrat
I definitely will have a chat with him but I'll wait till our sons party and his birthday is over with as I don't want to make it all about us and make it awkward.

I will move on eventually but right now I'm completely focused on me and my baby's life trying to find new beginnings and our own house.

I think once I have my own house I'll feel better as It will then be just me and my son doing our own thing whereas just now I feel I'm walking on egg shells as my mums still hurt from her split with my dad and that doesn't help.

op, i understand where you coming from.
everyday texting-when there is no need to do so-, flirting while passing the child and then saying your relationship is over is messing with your head.
he isnt completely blameless on this, he is making you vulnerable. i dont know if he has a form of this.
when he texts next time about your dc, you can text back and say, 'from now on only text when there is an important matter about dc'. you dont need to wait for dc birthday to say so.
distance yourself about him flirting with you, etc.
you are on a good path.

Thankyou @bluebell34567 it means a lot to know people understand where I'm coming from and it's not all about me it's just a confusing matter and not exactly fair when he knew fine well what I want but now all I want is for him to stop texting me when he doesn't need to because it's only making things worse and not exactly fair on us