Vent - difficult visit from parents

[Asiama]

Not really looking for advice (although any welcome) - I just need a space to vent and get this off my chest!

My parents have just left after visiting to see my 11 week old son. We have a difficult relationship so each rare visit is strained. They stayed for 2 hours. My blood pressure was up within 15 mins of them being here! Gems from my mum include:

1. Having a go at me for going for a walk when they were 50 minutes late and didn't ring or text me to let me know, or answer their phones when I called them to see where they were. Their expectation was that there is no need to inform me as I would be at home with the baby. And no apology for being late!

1. The reason the baby cries when I put him down to sleep is because none of the four cots / beds we bought for him are comfortable, they are of low quality because we cheaped out (we didn't, we have a Chicco Next2Me, a Mamas & Papas cotbed etc). We should have bought a fifth cot, the one she had commanded us to buy after she had seen the first four, because her choice would be comfortable for the baby. Repeat ad nauseum.

1. Several instructions to:

• take the baby out of my sling and put it in a cot, because the peacefully sleeping baby is uncomfortable snuggled up to me.
• wake the baby up so she can hold it.
• change how I store pots and pans in the kitchen.
• eat the curry she brought with her, which I hadn't asked for, because it's good for me. This is despite knowing that I gag when I eat that specific curry.
• keep out of the photos they were taking of the baby because I don't look good.

1. Disapproved of the new furniture that we had bought (indirectly, by just saying "oh" and looking disapprovingly, and giving suggestions on how to change the room we had just done up) and basically insulted our home by saying it was clear that we hadn't finished doing it up.

1. Told me that if I didn't have a baby she wouldn't have visited as she doesn't want to see me, because I don't do as she tells me to.

My husband refused to be here for their visit because he can't stand my mother. When I told my father this, he said he couldn't really see what she had done today that was so terrible.

AARGH!

Them maybe say you will try to rearrange a date, then block them.

Or say sorry, thst's the only date we can do for the foreseeable. And leave it at that.

You are still very much in a FOG state with regards to your parents and you will remain stuck like this unless you start to address your fear, obligation and guilt properly through counselling/therapy. You also need higher and consistently applied boundaries.

Toxic people like your parents exist the world over, its not due to culture but how they were themselves parented. Its highly likely that your parents were themselves treated abusively when they were children. Its a reason however, and not an excuse for how they treat you now. Your dad here cannot be let off the hook either, he is her secondary abuser and enabler here. Women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them.

Tell them now that you will try to rearrange then block all their means of contacting you. They were not good parents to you when you were growing up and they will not be good grandparent figures now because neither of them have fundamentally changed. Given the opportunity they will start on your child and will walk all over you as his parents to do so as well.