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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I message her or leave it??

50 replies

Cagreenhalgh · 13/02/2019 14:35

Hi there, I broke up with my girlfriend 2 months ago who I was with for 5 years in a pretty intense relationship, things ended pretty fast and we both ended on good terms, but around 2 weeks after breaking up I found out her and my ‘best friend’ were talking online and flirting, after this was confirmed I sent a couple of nasty messages to my ex as all I wanted to do was let her know how much I hated her for it.
But now, 2 months later I’ve been feeling like I need to message her to maybe clear the air as I hate the way it has ended and I feel it is holding me back, should I message her or just leave it??

OP posts:
RiversDisguise · 13/02/2019 14:49

Leave it.. you were out of order and you should not instigate contact for your own gratification

Servalan · 13/02/2019 14:54

I'm not sure "clearing the air" would happen.

If it's just a case of needing to get things off your chest in order to clear your head, then maybe write a no-send letter (i.e. a letter to her that you then destroy instead of sending).

Raking things up with her isn't the way to move on.

Original poster
Cagreenhalgh · 13/02/2019 14:56

I’m curious to know how I was out of order? She was trying to sleep with my best friend to hurt me?

OP posts:
IAmWonderWoman · 13/02/2019 14:57

Surely it’s your best friend you should be angry at?

Why do you need to clear the air? Just leave it, you broke up with her after all.

Original poster
Cagreenhalgh · 13/02/2019 15:00

I’m angry at them both, but if anything it wasn’t me that ended it, I could tell something was changing and when I confronted her about it she agreed, so we both agreed to just end it and live our lives, obviously after 5 years I still love her but hate her aswell for what she did, but because our relationship for the most part was amazing I hate the way it’s ended, that’s all

OP posts:
StormTreader · 13/02/2019 15:03

She's allowed to talk with and flirt with whoever she likes once a relationship is over. It might not be what you'd prefer and it might be painful for you but that doesn't make it wrong.

Original poster
Cagreenhalgh · 13/02/2019 15:06

I totally get that and I agree with you, but to do it who I thought was my best friend? Purposely to hurt me, after 5 years I thought respect would come into her thought process and rule doing something like that out, I know I wouldn’t do that to her.

OP posts:
PutyourtoponTrevor · 13/02/2019 15:09

It's none of your business, leave her alone and stop sending shitty messages. She can see, date, shag whoever she likes

MrsTerryPratcett · 13/02/2019 15:09

You don't want to clear the air, very obviously, you want to go over it again.

Just don't. You won't get what you want. Just be glad it's over and move on in your own time.

StormTreader · 13/02/2019 15:09

Is it purposely to hurt you though? Maybe they just get on? If shes talking to someone else then it isn't necessarily about you at all.

Original poster
Cagreenhalgh · 13/02/2019 15:14

Maybe I haven’t explained the situation well enough, I sent 2 messages saying I didn’t think she was the type to do this and that I hated her, and the notion that they ‘might get on’ is bullshit, she’s a respectable, clever woman and he’s the biggest drug addict I know with nothing to his name as he sold everything for more drugs. But I appreciate your input, I’ll leave it I guess, thanks everyone.

OP posts:
RiversDisguise · 13/02/2019 15:17

You were out of order because your relationship was over

At that point it is NONE of your business who she talks to

You sound controlling and obsessive

AryaStarkWolf · 13/02/2019 15:25

Lots of heartless posts in here, it's his best friend and his very recent ex ffs

AryaStarkWolf · 13/02/2019 15:27

Anyway, If I were you, given that you'd spent 5 years of your lives together maybe you should contact her to apologise. She'd probably appreciate it

Original poster
Cagreenhalgh · 13/02/2019 15:28

Agreed, don’t think anyone’s putting themselves in my shoes at all, thank you, and I think I will, it will be hard though. But the right thing I suppose

OP posts:
Mookatron · 13/02/2019 15:28

You don't really sound over it. I'd probably wait a bit to send a message.

lifegoes · 13/02/2019 15:28

I have to agree, send the apology.

It's better to live a life of oh wells than a life of what if's

If she doesn't reply at least you tried, if she does you can take it from there.

Everyone says things when they are hurt and in an argument

mjvb123 · 13/02/2019 15:39

I would say do send the message!
I had a relationship end badly around the same time, and my ex has completely 'ghosted' me.
Which makes me feel very sad, that he's faded away without explanation. I would still very much like some acknowledgement/clearing of the air.
So wonder if your ex would too.
You may find it gives you both some closure, and enables you to let go.
You can but try.

Boysandbuses · 13/02/2019 15:41

You are getting these responses because people are presuming you are a man. I have no idea if you are or not.

If a woman posted that her ex male partner was trying to shag her best friend withindays of splitting, there would be loads of sympathy.

The best friend and her are out of order. I still wouldn't advise texting.

MrsTerryPratcett · 13/02/2019 15:49

The thing is OP isn't actually sorry so why on earth would he text and apologise.

OP you still thinks she's in the wrong. Which is fine and I do sympathise. But you're just reopening something that need to be in the past.

magoria · 13/02/2019 15:50

If she was doing this deliberately to spite you then I would just let sleeping dogs lie and move on.

Loseitandkeepitlost · 13/02/2019 15:53

You’re not sorry so there’s no need to make contact.

You don’t get to tell her how to behave and how she handled the break up is nothing to do with you. Your behaviour was worse than hers IMO.

Original poster
Cagreenhalgh · 13/02/2019 16:00

To be honest I am sorry for reacting badly to what she did, but I think it shows just how much it hurt because it’s out of character for me to insult someone, especially some I love/loved. But I don’t agree with my behaviour being worse than hers, I understand where you are coming from but I don’t think some of you understand that there are some things you just simply do not do when you split up with someone, it’s basic respect. But I do feel like if we both apologised it would help me move on massively. We have too much history to just go our separate ways with so much hate.

OP posts:
RoseOfSharyn · 13/02/2019 16:02

If she was deliberately doing this to hurt you then she 'won' didn't she. You text her telling her you hated her, she got a reaction. Plus, you are still dwelling on it now, meaning she is still in your head.

The best thing you can do now is to move on, hold your head high and don't give her another thought. That way you win.

They both sound like knobs and I do have sympathy for you. I think most people would be upset if they found out their ex and best friend were potentially shagging weeks after a break up. Regardless of whether it is your business or not, it still would hurt.

I also suggest you re-evaluate the relationship with your friend, why do you want to be mates with a skint druggy waster that tries to shag your ex?

MrsTerryPratcett · 13/02/2019 16:11

But I do feel like if we both apologised it would help me move on massively.

And there it is. You don't want to apologize, you want her to apologize. Which is fine. But if you don't get what you want,there's no up side.

Just move on.

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