Should I message her or leave it??

[Cagreenhalgh]

Hi there, I broke up with my girlfriend 2 months ago who I was with for 5 years in a pretty intense relationship, things ended pretty fast and we both ended on good terms, but around 2 weeks after breaking up I found out her and my ‘best friend’ were talking online and flirting, after this was confirmed I sent a couple of nasty messages to my ex as all I wanted to do was let her know how much I hated her for it.
But now, 2 months later I’ve been feeling like I need to message her to maybe clear the air as I hate the way it has ended and I feel it is holding me back, should I message her or just leave it??

Thank you, that does make a lot of sense.
Maybe I’m just being soft because of our past.
But he is fully out of my life now don’t worry about that, only reason I carried on being his friend through all the drugs is because I’ve known him since childhood.
I think after reading all these comments, the helpful ones anyway, that texting her definitely isn’t the way forward

Terry - never even realised that when I typed it, this thread has definitely helped.

I think you’re right to leave it.

She may not be sorry.

Trying to get with your best friend is not ok, no matter if she is single and can do what she likes. It’s shitty and even more shitty of your best mate.

You can apologise, but she doesn't really owe you an apology.
For your own side, you should probably apologise, but don't expect one back.

@mjvb123 I agree with you. I was effectively ignored by my ex too and I'd love some closure to help me move on. I hate that it ended in a huge argument and that I've been basically deleted from his life. It's incredibly hurtful.

OP if you feel you need to clear the air, do it. Even a 'sorry for how it ended' or 'sorry for what I said, I was just angry and hurt' might go a long way.
If she's not interested in hearing it she won't reply and you can know you gave it a shot at least.

@whatamidoingwithmylife @mjvb123 I'm with you both.

Even just for closure, I'm not one for leaving hate in the air. Even if we never speak again, I'd rather move on with no hate and closure

I'd say text

Feel better OP.

And remember, the best revenge is a happy life.

@whatamidoingwithmylife that is what I feel I should do, but there’s so many different opinions on here I don’t know what to do, I feel like what I should do is ignore her and never speak to her again, therefore ‘not letting her win’ but I want to message her, but I am scared she won’t reply and I’ll just be made to look like a ‘whingey ex’, if that makes sense.

Of course it's ok for his ex to get with whoever she wants...

I actually assumed the OP was a lesbian but either way, s/he is right to let this go for the sake of their own mental health

I can almost guarantee that the people who are being harsh wouldn’t react that way if it happened to them.

She should have had more respect for you and your five years together. It was a dick move, from both of them.

If my ex did that I’d be fuming!

I Don’t know if I would text though. Because you don’t actually owe her an apology, IMHO. She owes you one but she should be volunteering one herself!

You said you both ended on giod terms, what closure are you seeking, just because she's messaging your best mate?

She's an adult, she can choose whoever she wants to chat, date, e.t.c. If she's making a mistake, let her, she will learn from it. No point slagging off your best mate whether or not he's a druggie due to your assumptions without proof 🙄.

Move on OP! You're now an ex and she's clearly established that fact.

I wouldn’t text her. It sounds like you still have feelings for her and it’ll hurt hearing about her and your friend (if she’s still with him). You’ll only be holding yourself back from moving on and finding someone new and it wouldn’t be fair on a new gf if you’re still holding a torch for your ex.

I think you are getting a hard time OP. I don't know ANYONE male or female who would be Ok if their ex was getting with/trying to get it on with a friend quite soon after a longish term relationship ended. But you handled it badly. I myself probably would apologise but only on the basis of taking accountability for my bad behaviour - not to get an apology back. So if you do, you must apologise unconditionally......no "I'm sorry for what I did but it was because I was angry/you hurt me" etc. It has to be "I'm sorry for my behaviours, I was wrong to do it and i wish you well for the future".....dont put anything on her, ask for a response or request forgiveness.....If you do that, she may feel she has to respond which may trouble her
and if she doesn't, it may make you angry/upset. So.only do it if you can make peace with it on those terms.

I have just sent this message -
“Hi,
I understand there’s a bit of hate between us and rightly so, but I’ve been thinking about it and I feel the right thing to do is clear the air of any hate, if you don’t want to that’s fair enough, but I’m sorry for reacting the way I did to finding out about you and josh, obviously it upset me but I was wrong in how I reacted, have a nice life, goodbye”

I mean...

It’s a bit weird if you don’t mind me saying!

The “and rightly so” would make me and the “if you don’t want to” sounds a bit childish.

Plus you haven’t said what you want? If you don’t want to implies that you want a response but then you’ve ended it “have a nice life goodbye”??

Not going to lie I didn’t really proof read it, I just typed what I was thinking without going too over board, thought I’d leave it as blunt as possible

Well sure it’s done now!

Either she’ll respond or she won’t. Either way, I’d be blocking, deleting and moving on.

It’s shit, though.

Yep, it is very shit!
But I’m a strong guy and I’ve got a good family around me so I’ll be fine, thank you everyone

Good luck with everything :)

I'd be upset too, OP.
You need to put distance between yourself, the ex and BF.
Definitely cut contact.
Knowing what's going on with them, just rubs salt in the wound.
Move on.

For what it's worth I think you did the right thing.

I'm your heart you can move on.

Wow. Baffled at some responses. Yes if you feel like you're ready to have a word now with your ex then do. It will make you both feel better. You were hurt, she caused the hurt. It's not your fault

I don’t think that bad to text if long term relationship- she may appreciate it, she may not.

She may also have blocked you so do not get obsessed with waiting for a response.

Hope you feel some closure.

I don’t think you should have sent the message. She’s free to date whoever she wants. Your friend however sounds like a piece of work.
One of the wankiest things you can do is date an ex of a friend.