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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This secret is driving me insane

33 replies

Bogiesandmud · 13/02/2019 14:21

I'm not sure if this will get much attention but I'm hoping someone will be able to offer some advice...

I have been with my partner (29) for 5 years, we moved in together 4 years ago.

A couple days before we got together he found out that the father he had been living with wasn't his biological father. He was at a party and he was trying it on with a girl that claimed to be his cousin (she knew this because his aunty had told her when she was drunk that they were related) .. It was a new years eve and my partner Jay pretended to take no notice of the comment and went home to confront his mum .. There, she broke down and told him it was all true.. that's when they went to his nans house (his mums mum) and they discussed it all, he found out who is real dad is.

The most difficult thing for him is that he can't deal with it because his "dad" that he lived with has no idea that Jay isn't his son, him and Jay's mum have been "happily" married for 32 years.. neither does Jay's sister (24), who he also lived with. So all in one night, Jay found out that his mum, nan and aunty have all been lying to him his whole life .. he also found out his dad isnt his dad, and that his real dad lives in the same small city as him, he has sisters, aunty's and cousins that have been socializing with him in the same areas since he was about 14 years old. He even recalls bumping into his real father on a few occasions, having no idea who he was.

The thing I can't handle is that no one is telling the people that deserve to know the most .. His mothers husband who apparently can't know because he will not be able to survive without his mum who does absolutely everything for him (I'm pretty sure he could find himself a loving honest wife that would share a life with him and help with things when needed) .. Jay's sister shouldn't know because she would never speak to her mother again (I'm sure she would get over it eventually). They are a very very close family and I am starting to really resent his mum and his nan .. They are so over the top with tagging along on our family days out etc and I am so sick of pretending that everything is great when they are all being so dishonest with the people they are supposed to love the most. I am really good friends with Jay's sister after all of these years and I have started to ignore her phone calls because I just don't like the person I have been forced to become.

Jay hates talking about it all, he is in denial and I have been warned to not talk about it with his mum (I wouldn't want to anyway).. I'm worried about the impact keeping this secret is having on Jay and also myself, and our children in the future.

They all decided the night that [redacted] found out that this secret will go to the grave with them. I know that [redacted] finds it difficult to deal with but that he doesn't want to face it with counselling etc ..

Surely any decent mother would take the burden off of their child's shoulders and live with the consequences of their actions? Jay seems to think that because his mum "protected" him with this secret for all of those years, that he now needs to do the same for her ... In my opinion all she is doing is protecting the image that she has of herself (A house, a husband, 2 children, a job, 2 cars), and all the while she is convincing her son to suffer in silence ..

Jay told me about all of this about 3 years ago but as time goes on and on its getting harder to be a part of all the lies and deceit.

Am I just being way over the top here or do I have good reason to be upset ? ...

OP posts:
LemonTT · 13/02/2019 14:33

I am not sure why you are so upset and what you real motives are in revealing your partner's secret. You seem to not like his mother much and knowing she has had an affair has given you greater cause. This might be clouding your judgement, particularly in how you think this will play out.

It doesn't sound much of a secret given how you partner found out. You should may perhaps have another discussion with him about how he and his father would feel if this all came out another way. But it is not your secret to tell, not will you be the one, of many, who is hurt.

Speak to your DP about the tagging along if this makes you uncomfortable. Reduce their involvement in day to day life.

TooOldForThis67 · 13/02/2019 14:33

Your poor fella. This is totally unfair on him and cruel! If the Dad was someone the Mum barely knew or lived far away then I can understand to a certain extent but this is far different. None of this is your fella's fault. He found out so how long before other's do! Does the real Dad know he's the real Dad?

Sorry, no advice but didn't want to read and run. And no, you are not being OTT.

MMmomDD · 13/02/2019 14:38

You can of course be upset - it’s your right to feel what you feel.
However - it’s not your mess or your situation. Or your place to judge and fix.
It’s up to Jay to decide how to deal with his family.

Original poster
Bogiesandmud · 13/02/2019 14:41

You are right, I don’t like her very much at all at the moment.. I feel like my partner is suffering and lying to his sister and “father” on a daily basis to protect her, that isn’t right. They are a big part of our lives.. they see or speak to us everyday and while I appreciate that some families are very close, I don’t think it’s fair that half of his family don’t know the pain he is going through. I know it isn’t my secret to tell and I wouldn’t out it as it isn’t my place, I’m simply looking for some advice as how to continue having them a part of our lives and pretending that everything is ok. You are right though, I do need to try and ask them to back off a bit xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogiesandmud · 13/02/2019 14:42

And yes the real father knows he is Jays dad, he was lodging at his mums house while her husband was working away.. they came to the agreement to pretend it was her husbands child .. I appreciate all of your responses thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogiesandmud · 13/02/2019 14:48

And the affair thing isn’t the issue either.. people make mistakes!.. it’s the lying I am struggling to deal with. What’s to say in years to come my own children are told they have more family that they never knew of.. I don’t want that for my children

OP posts:
OrigamiZoo · 13/02/2019 14:50

You should get Mumsnet to re-post this without your partner's name

Original poster
Bogiesandmud · 13/02/2019 14:52

What does that mean? Sorry I’m new here.. it is a false name anyway if that’s what you mean ..

OP posts:
Wherearemymarbles · 13/02/2019 15:09

Its a vile situation and yes, putting Jay in that situation is grossly unfair.

You cant make him go to councelling I’m afraid. Does his mother know you know about it? Whilst not your secret to tell, I think you have every right to tell her theveffect this news has had on him. And i would most certainly judge, not the affair but the continued deceit.

ComeMonday · 13/02/2019 15:10

I’m not sure why this is your issue. This is Jay’s family and he gets to decide how to handle it. You don’t have to agree but you do have to support him and do what you can to make his life easier. It’s not your place to decide you can’t deal with seeing his mum and nan because of this. Clearly you don’t like them anyway and I think you are using this as an excuse.

Tighnabruaich · 13/02/2019 15:19

Can I just say I know what Jay is going through as it happened to me. It's the secrets, the lies, the hypocrisy, the living a lie, and then having to put up with it all being brushed under the carpet again, as if your very existence was a dirty little secret.
I've no advice on how to cope with the in-laws, except to see less of them, but give Jay lots of love and support. I'm sure he feels dreadful about it all.

Original poster
Bogiesandmud · 13/02/2019 15:38

I love his sister like my own and I get on very well with his mum and Nan but I don’t like them very much at the moment.. his family isn’t my problem I know that but when it is affecting my partner and the father of my children as it is, it’s deeply upsetting. In no way am I using this as an excuse! They do so much for us and we spend a lot of time together, I just don’t understand why they can’t take the burden of this secret from his shoulders .. surely he deserves that much. It’s just all got to me recently.. I resent them a lot for him having to carry this around. I have no one to talk to about it, I can’t tell any of my friends in case it gets out and I can’t speak to him because he’s doing his best to bury it deep ..

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogiesandmud · 13/02/2019 15:41

Thank you, I have thought a few times about mentioning it to her, because she has had 30 years to practice ignoring this, he has only had 5 and it’s affecting him more than she knows .. and I’m sorry that you have been through this too, he does feel that if it all gets out that the people he loves will resent him for it.. it’s so sad

OP posts:
eggsandwich · 13/02/2019 15:54

I agree with you its not good and can’t be good for his mental health in the long term holding onto that secret it may well cause future long term problems.

Another thing I’ve been thinking about is the medical history of his real dad, when I’ve been for hospital and opticians appointments they always say is there any history of so an so in your family, he would know his mothers medical history I presume but what about his real dad ? He could only answer I don’t know.

Original poster
Bogiesandmud · 13/02/2019 16:04

He would just go by his mums side of things.. his mum is very good at pointing out that a lot of Jays physical traits come from her own father.. it's so uncomfortable when we are all in the same room and his sister or nephew make comments that Jay and his dad look nothing alike .. we were in a bar recently with his dad and his dads friends were making comments that Jay isn't his son because they're so unlike each other.. Jay mentioned it to me when I left and I just said I know that it's hard .. but that must be so difficult for him to suppress how he really feels

OP posts:
Tighnabruaich · 13/02/2019 16:06

Sent you a PM Bogiesandmud

SciFiScream · 13/02/2019 16:08

What are you putting father in quotation marks? You have discovered that the father and son are not genetically related but the father has patented him, presumably loved him. He's the father.

lljkk · 13/02/2019 16:10

There is a family secret like this on my dad's side.
Actually there were at least 3 such similar secrets, but one is out in the open now & everyone is cool about it.
I feel annoyed. The most affected cousin (now nearing 40yo) deserves to know the truth. But could destroy his rel. with his mom.
In no way is it my place to reveal the secret.

I have come to the view that family are the people who raise you & grow up with you. There is a biological connection to these other people now discovered, they can become close friends, but they don't replace your DP's true dad (the man he grew up seeing as his father).

Notcoolmum · 13/02/2019 16:40

I agree with scifi. He is very much the father. I am father unknown and I really don’t feel the need to have any link with my bio father. My dad has always been there for me and I’m very happy with how things are.

Original poster
Bogiesandmud · 13/02/2019 16:56

Yes and he very much feels the same! His dad is his dad and that will never change.. but for him it's the constant lies, deceit, uncertainty and anxiety for the rest of his family finding out and for me it's the pretending that everything is perfect while jay is suffering.. I am very much a part of their family and I guess the resentment I feel towards them for not taking that anxiety away from Jay by just telling the truth will pass ..

OP posts:
ZaZathecat · 13/02/2019 17:35

Is there a possibility of siblings/close relatives unknowingly getting involved in a relationship because of this deceit - that would concern me.

Original poster
Bogiesandmud · 13/02/2019 17:49

Absolutely.. That's how he found out about it all in the first place.. He was chatting up his cousin unknowingly. It's something me and Jay will need to keep an eye on when our children are older

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Pawtrayt · 13/02/2019 17:52

If Jay's sister and nephew have made comments and Jay's dad's friends have too then there's a good chance Jay's dad has had doubts. Maybe he suspects or even knows but has chosen not to discuss it.

SandyY2K · 13/02/2019 18:21

It's a horrible situation and his mum should be ashamed of herself for the deceitfulness.

This will continue affecting him for the rest of his life. I can't understand the pp who are questioning why this bothers you.

A comment made to me by a man to me who's wife cheated and got pregnant.... and I'll never forget was "mummy's baby, daddy's maybe"

I think pinning a child on a man, is the worst thing a woman can do...

I have a relative (by marriage) who did this and all was revealed when the DS needed a suitable donor for medical treatment.

He was never the same again and it was made worse by his biological father telling him he wasn't interested and his dad stopped paying child support when they got divorced.

He died when he was just 23 and I'm sure the stress brought on his cancer.

It just brings about a lot of emotions for me. It's selfishness and self preservation... but it all came out in the end...hurting so many people.

Original poster
Bogiesandmud · 13/02/2019 18:46

He could have his own doubts and suspicions you are right, I have made that comment before but apparently his dad would definitely not be around if he knew that Jay wasn't his son. I get that people have their opinions of what they would do in this situation but seeing and feeling it all day in day out, being around the people that are creating or continuing his pain makes it my issue unfortunately. Jay has been dealing with this the way his mum has, bury it deep and don't discuss it.. he has said before "when I talk about it it makes it real".. I'm just sorry that he can't ask the questions that pop into his head as I'm sure they do.. at least I know I'm not crazy now though for feeling the way I do..

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