This secret is driving me insane

[Bogiesandmud]

I'm not sure if this will get much attention but I'm hoping someone will be able to offer some advice...

I have been with my partner (29) for 5 years, we moved in together 4 years ago.

A couple days before we got together he found out that the father he had been living with wasn't his biological father. He was at a party and he was trying it on with a girl that claimed to be his cousin (she knew this because his aunty had told her when she was drunk that they were related) .. It was a new years eve and my partner Jay pretended to take no notice of the comment and went home to confront his mum .. There, she broke down and told him it was all true.. that's when they went to his nans house (his mums mum) and they discussed it all, he found out who is real dad is.

The most difficult thing for him is that he can't deal with it because his "dad" that he lived with has no idea that Jay isn't his son, him and Jay's mum have been "happily" married for 32 years.. neither does Jay's sister (24), who he also lived with. So all in one night, Jay found out that his mum, nan and aunty have all been lying to him his whole life .. he also found out his dad isnt his dad, and that his real dad lives in the same small city as him, he has sisters, aunty's and cousins that have been socializing with him in the same areas since he was about 14 years old. He even recalls bumping into his real father on a few occasions, having no idea who he was.

The thing I can't handle is that no one is telling the people that deserve to know the most .. His mothers husband who apparently can't know because he will not be able to survive without his mum who does absolutely everything for him (I'm pretty sure he could find himself a loving honest wife that would share a life with him and help with things when needed) .. Jay's sister shouldn't know because she would never speak to her mother again (I'm sure she would get over it eventually). They are a very very close family and I am starting to really resent his mum and his nan .. They are so over the top with tagging along on our family days out etc and I am so sick of pretending that everything is great when they are all being so dishonest with the people they are supposed to love the most. I am really good friends with Jay's sister after all of these years and I have started to ignore her phone calls because I just don't like the person I have been forced to become.

Jay hates talking about it all, he is in denial and I have been warned to not talk about it with his mum (I wouldn't want to anyway).. I'm worried about the impact keeping this secret is having on Jay and also myself, and our children in the future.

They all decided the night that [redacted] found out that this secret will go to the grave with them. I know that [redacted] finds it difficult to deal with but that he doesn't want to face it with counselling etc ..

Surely any decent mother would take the burden off of their child's shoulders and live with the consequences of their actions? Jay seems to think that because his mum "protected" him with this secret for all of those years, that he now needs to do the same for her ... In my opinion all she is doing is protecting the image that she has of herself (A house, a husband, 2 children, a job, 2 cars), and all the while she is convincing her son to suffer in silence ..

Jay told me about all of this about 3 years ago but as time goes on and on its getting harder to be a part of all the lies and deceit.

Am I just being way over the top here or do I have good reason to be upset ? ...

So if you have dc you could face the same situation - either having to tell them the truth, or try to stop them having a relationship with a close relative and them not understanding.
I think if you do have dc there should be an understanding that they will have to know.

I'm sorry for your relative too!.. secrets really can have devastating affects :(

@ZaZathecat you are right.. I asked Jay recently if he's going to tell our son about the others .. he said no and when I pressed and said what if a cousin or aunt introduces themselves at a party as relatives .. what then, he said they won't and I said but it happened to you. He's been taught to keep it under wraps and that's what he will continue to do, but he does need to realise that it's not just him that this affects anymore ..

I agree to a certain extent that the person that he has only known as supposedly being his biological father is now not, and while it will probably not make the slightest difference to how he has always viewed him as his dad, the fact remains that the man who has brought him up and nurtured him is oblivious to the fact that he is not his father and also the grandchildren he also thought were his are also not biologically his.

What a mess!

But it could be that he suspects he’s not Jays dad but has chosen to remain silent, I wonder if more people know than are letting on about the situation.

It's clear that the other side of the family know as that's how Jay found out.. and also me his mum Nan Aunty, potentially her partner and children and his mums friends that she could have told over the years .. it's worrying how many people could know! His dad and sister are going to be so upset when they realise how many people kept this from them!

Jay needs to realise this "secret" can't be put back into the bottle.

Too many people know.

And as you say, OP, what happens in the future when your DCs start dating. A proper discussion is needed now.

J doesn't have to decide anything right now. Let the information settle before deciding whether act on it. I would want to make sure my emotions weren't making decisions that over-ruled my head. So wait for the emotions to subside.

Might be healthiest if it all came out. Sounds nearly there, anyway.

Thank you for all of your advice ladies! I am going to worry less about what may happen in the future and who is responsible for all of this hurt and just put my energy into supporting Jay in enjoying and making the most of what and who we have now :) ..