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Original poster

The chore of Visiting the grand-parents

46 replies

Virgra · 13/02/2019 09:37

Does anyone else find the obligation to visit the grand-parents or to be home so they can visit a huge burden?
I know how awful this sounds but it drives me mad.
My own (D)F will gush over the phone about how much he loves his grandchildren and talk about them to anyone who will listen, but will ask to visit us every bloody weekend. He's useless and expects cups of tea, sometimes a sandwich, then will ignore the children and talk incessantly at DH and I. He will stay for 1 hour MAX before he's off again, but it means that any plans for an afternoon day trip etc don't go ahead because of DFs very short and stressful visit.
I also have 2 grandmothers who expect regular visits and I find them ridiculously stressful. Both are immobile so I arrive with 2 young kids and have to make them a hot drink etc (Which of course I wouldn't mind at all) but the DCs are left wandering the house where there is all sorts of hazards lying around. DC2 is crawling and in to everything, DC1 constantly asks for things around the room and will mess with ornaments. Its a nightmare.
I feel guilty if I don't visit and my grandmothers will call me to tell me how sad they are that we haven't visited for a few weeks, but after the craziness of the week, all I really want to do at the weekend is enjoy some time as a family with DH on hand to reduce the workload of the children.
Can anyone relate?
How to get around this?
I do want to visit my grandmothers of course but it is just SO stressful. By the time we have visited all grandparents over the course of a month, even once, it has eaten in to quite a lot of our free fun time as a family.
My ILs are much better as they will see the children naturally as they help look after them over the course of the week. My own DF is quite frankly useless and DM is not around.
Any advice would be hugely grateful as I don't want to feel so exasperated by thee experience of visiting family members.

OP posts:

diplodocusinermine · 13/02/2019 09:44

Hope you remember this thread when you're a grandparent!

Why don't you set aside one weekend a month, or even one day a month and get all visiting done then.

Making your Dad a cuppa and a sandwich doesn't sound particularly stressful.

TBH, you're making it into far more of a chore than it is - basically, you don't want the hassle of vising or having them visit you and you seem to be making excuses to get out of it.

MrsJayy · 13/02/2019 09:44

First you will be elderly 1 day and as much as you think I will never be a burden how would you feel if your children thought you were a nuisance and somebody to put up with? Secondly say dad we are going out on Saturday would you like to pop in on wednesday? Make firm arrangements with your grandmothers so they no whats what and when you will visit.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 13/02/2019 09:45

Tough one. I feel for you. Can you see your grandmothers without the kids sometimes? Or see both in one day?
I think you will just have to explain that you are very tired after working all week and have things to do at home, so can't visit all the time.
I'd say no to your dad visiting - it buggers up your whole day and it is fine to say that you already have plans. Wet the grand, I'd be more inclined to still visit every 4 weeks and just view it as good that they love you and want to see you and it's hard being old and lonely and remember all the love and time they gave you when you were little (if they did). OTOH, if they were horrid grandparents I'd cut down the visits with no guilt whatsoever.

katienana · 13/02/2019 09:46

Would your dad like to go on a day out with you?

Nc1548 · 13/02/2019 09:52

It does sound horrible. These are all people who have had sleepless nights looking after you and you can't cope with making a cup of tea and a sandwich. Really sad.
If you already have plans adjust the times you see them to fit your plans, but to not want to visit grandparents because they are immobile is nasty.

MoMandaS · 13/02/2019 09:53

Just take one child at a time when visiting grandmothers, giving the other one quality time with DH. As for DF, why not invite him on a day out with you all? Less opportunity to talk at you and easier for him to interact with the DC.

Saucy99 · 13/02/2019 09:56

Both my Parents and Grandparents have passed away. How awful it must be to visit people who love you and looked after to you when you were a child. You must have it so tough.

Original poster

Virgra · 13/02/2019 09:58

My DF won't do anything out of his comfort zone and is a rabbit in headlights. I would hate for him to come out with us as he gets angry when stressed. He also won't let us visit him at his house so it has to be ours where he basically acts like a third child 🤔. He even talks over DC1 who wants his attention. He just talks at us constantly and asks for more tea, the baby can be crying etc and he's oblivious. I hate his visits. They are not enjoyable.

I love my grandmothers.
They are very disappointed if I arrive without the children (understandable) but the stress of each visit is really tough. If there were other family members there atthe same time to make tea/watch the children so that I can, it wouldn't be too bad at all.
I am sorry if this comes across as me being selfish and awful,but this is how I feel. The visits are really hard work.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 13/02/2019 09:59

Can the grandmothers not be taken out , frankly I’d stick them in a car and take them to a garden centre for a coffee or in the summer to the park for a picnic with the children . When your father visits actively get him playing with the children , get him some blocks / Lego / wooden train set and actually encourage him to get involved .

chuttypicks · 13/02/2019 10:00

You could always tell your Dad to help himself to tea and sandwiches at your house. He's your Dad, not an actual guest and is surely able to cater for himself. Or you could take him to visit your grandmothers with you and get him to make the tea at theirs as well.

BlueJag · 13/02/2019 10:00

We all going to be a burden one day. Today them, tomorrow will be you.
Organise your time to get all visiting done in one day or a convenient time that won't be too burdensome.

stayathomer · 13/02/2019 10:01

I get where you're coming from, there are places to be and things to be done but gf sounds lovely and I do agree that you'll miss them someday ( no gfs in our family). I get the visit thing too, both gms have houses that are tough to have kids in and we get guilt trips too but again, I honestly think it just has to be done

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/02/2019 10:02

Could your DH not go with you and mind the DC while you're sorting out drinks etc for your grandmothers? Sounds like you're doing it all on your own.

You are allowed to tell your DF you're busy once in a while.

Original poster

Virgra · 13/02/2019 10:02

This thread hasn't been taken well at all. Can MN please remove it? I'm not in a good place for these negative comments as someone currently with PND.

I love my family, I just find the visits with young DCs very stressful.
DF is not a caring, loving DF at all. There seems to be assumptions being made leading to attacks on me being a "nasty" person.
Very unfair.
Please remove thia thread.

OP posts:

SilviaSalmon · 13/02/2019 10:05

I would give a lot to be able to visit my grandparents and to let them meet my DS. You’ll miss them when they’re gone .

MrsJayy · 13/02/2019 10:18

You need to go to your own posts click on the side or along the bottom and report it you can't just demand it is deleted on a post.

katienana · 13/02/2019 10:19

Sorry to hear you are struggling. I think you should cut down visits until you are well enough to cope. Hope you are getting treatment for PND and have somebody to talk to xxx

EthelFechan · 13/02/2019 10:20

OP - I totally understand what you're saying and it's unfortunate the "you'll be a burden one day I'd sell a kidney to see me old nan brigade" has descended so early.

Don't let then get to you.

MrsJayy · 13/02/2019 10:20

Nobody said you were a nasty person if you don't like your dad cut his visits down

Pluckedpencil · 13/02/2019 10:27

There are some very self righteous people on mumsnet. I honestly can see exactly where you are coming from, you must really struggle without your mum there to help you navigate a bit of the family dynamic. I know my mum does a lot of it for me.
Your dad needs some tough love. He is being your typical selfish middle aged bloke, and you mustn't let him get away with it. If you are planning to go out somewhere, you invite him along and of he declines then tough, and if he agrees and gets angry, you tell him straight out that he won't be invited again.
On the days you are in, you have to be insistent that he plays with the eldest. If the baby cries, you IGNORE him. If you need him to go, you tell him. It has to work for you!
I also think he should be roped into the grandma visits because I bet he isn't going much at the moment. I'd also be insisting on one week his, one week yours just to give him a taste of being host.
It is a good idea to group the two grandma visits into one day, and maybe fix it to always be the (e.g.) third Sunday of the month so everyone knows the plan and no more guilt trips. And for that one time I think your dh could come and help you too.
You are at a really tough time in your life and no matter what duty dictates, you are no good to anyone if you don't like after yourself. There is no shame when your dad comes round to saying, ok I'm going to the shops for a minute. Have fun men folk!

poglets · 13/02/2019 11:04

I understand.

You just need to manage your father's visits. He should come earlier in the day so you can go out after. Make one cup of tea, or ask him for breakfast - feed him and then close the kitchen. He can make his own drinks then. You shouldn't be committing to a visit every weekend. You probably also need some time to yourself.

Learn to say no and what you do want and need without guilt.

chuppachip · 13/02/2019 11:08

I get exactly where you are coming from op.
I find it exhausting, time consuming.... but I do love them dearly so I do it.
Dh's grandmother is the worst though she never hesitates to lay on the guilt trips and will gladly stay an entire day. She has stayed until 11pm before.

I think you need to find a balance and try to have more family time and maybe try and maybe try and have a hectic weekend of trying to see them all. So you could still see them once a month or so but cut it into one mad weekend so the others are left free.

punishmepunisher · 13/02/2019 11:11

I get you OP.

pog100 · 13/02/2019 11:12

OP these threads are always full of sanctimonious gits with no empathy. Set boundaries that suit YOU with regards visiting and stick to them. I understand completely. If your father could be useful, make him useful, don't pander to him. Your grandparents will be glad to see you when they see you, but look after yourself. You are the one with the busy knackering life

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 13/02/2019 11:14

I get you OP. My DHs nan is 97 and loves seeing DD, but it's an effort. Her house is a long drive away, she can barely hear and there is nothing child friendly about her home.

When DD was younger you'd have to follow her constantly and now at the age of 5, she just finds it boring and would rather be anywhere else.

It's nice to visit family, but we don't do regular things anymore. We go for celebrations or when we happen to have a day free. We used to have a visiting routine but none of us enjoyed it and it was stressful

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