The chore of Visiting the grand-parents

[Virgra]

Does anyone else find the obligation to visit the grand-parents or to be home so they can visit a huge burden?
I know how awful this sounds but it drives me mad.
My own (D)F will gush over the phone about how much he loves his grandchildren and talk about them to anyone who will listen, but will ask to visit us every bloody weekend. He's useless and expects cups of tea, sometimes a sandwich, then will ignore the children and talk incessantly at DH and I. He will stay for 1 hour MAX before he's off again, but it means that any plans for an afternoon day trip etc don't go ahead because of DFs very short and stressful visit.
I also have 2 grandmothers who expect regular visits and I find them ridiculously stressful. Both are immobile so I arrive with 2 young kids and have to make them a hot drink etc (Which of course I wouldn't mind at all) but the DCs are left wandering the house where there is all sorts of hazards lying around. DC2 is crawling and in to everything, DC1 constantly asks for things around the room and will mess with ornaments. Its a nightmare.
I feel guilty if I don't visit and my grandmothers will call me to tell me how sad they are that we haven't visited for a few weeks, but after the craziness of the week, all I really want to do at the weekend is enjoy some time as a family with DH on hand to reduce the workload of the children.
Can anyone relate?
How to get around this?
I do want to visit my grandmothers of course but it is just SO stressful. By the time we have visited all grandparents over the course of a month, even once, it has eaten in to quite a lot of our free fun time as a family.
My ILs are much better as they will see the children naturally as they help look after them over the course of the week. My own DF is quite frankly useless and DM is not around.
Any advice would be hugely grateful as I don't want to feel so exasperated by thee experience of visiting family members.

I disagree. I don’t think pp have been sanctimonious or lacked empathy. People have reacted to the initial post which didn’t come across very well at all.

If the op had initially stated that she was suffering from pnd and the later details she gave about her father, I think she’d have had a very different reaction and advice on how to manage her df and go visits.

To say that your going to ask for the thread to be deleted as you don’t like the way it’s going does also not look great.

Op with your df just because he says he wants to visit at 2pm (or whatever time in the middle of the day that is so disrupting) doesn’t mean you have to agree to it, if you have plans, tell him, let him know that it doesn’t work for you. When he does visit, tell him that you’re busy dealing with a crying baby / toddler / cooking dinner or whatever it might be and can he make you a cup of tea at the same time, show him where everything is, get him involved.

With your grandparents can you try and time your visits with others? Can you dh not go with you, one makes the tea, the other watched the children, taking things with you for them to play with.

I do hope you feel better soon but think how your gp would feel if they knew how you thought and how it might make you feel in the future if that’s how your children and grandchildren thought of you.

OP, I fully understand where you are coming from. We have grandparents who drop by "on the off chance" and expect to be hosted. I struggle to make myself a hot cup of tea. They'll sit there for hours (even commenting on how they must be interrupting our day!). My husband won't say anything to them(His parents) even though he wishes they would pre plan visits but trying to book ahead is like nailing jelly to a tree.

No real advice but at least you know you're not alone!

A couple of ideas

With your DF, invite him for breakfast and just let him chat at you while dealing with feeding the dc. Let his comments just wash over and just go uhhhu, ummm, really. (Its good practice for when you have a teenager!). Then after an hour ask him if he want to help you get packed lunches ready for your day out, and he will get up to go. Or do the same at the end of the day.

With your grandmothers, can you arrive with a thermos of tea? Then just pour into a mug. Also can you keep a small folding buggy to use inside their house for the crawling baby, so that dc is safe. Then the older dc could be your helper, maybe?

Can you designate one weekend morning every 2 weeks as visit morning? You have your Dad for breakfast and then do both grandmothers before lunch... that way it compacts it all and doesnt drag across the rest of your time

Oh and have some . Its nice to hear that you love them enough to visit even though its driving you a little batty. Many people just would give up and not go at all

They sound lonely and it can't be much fun being immobile and perhaps not having many visitors. Show a bit of compassion and as others have said, tell them to come round when its convenient for you. My poor children have lost 3 out of 4 grandparents in the past few years so maybe cherish the time you have with them?

sorry just to add - I didn't read the whole thread regarding the pnd, so accept maybe this is affecting your outlook on things. Its hard having to deal with others when you have issues yourself.

She has to put up with her father for ONE hour a week and grandmas once a month for what appears to be a short time. She is willing to put up with ILs because they provide a service.

Not sanctimonious at all - just imagining what the AIBU will be like in 30-40 years time - 'AIBU, I never see my grandkids because me Daughter finds visiting me for a couple of hours a month and making me a cup of tea too stressful.'

You know what - stop visiting your grandmothers and tell your DF he can't come and see you. Job done.

is your dad retired? In which case, could he pop over in the week for tea, rather than at a weekend? Maybe he could come over on a SUnday evening, rather than mid day Saturday. Or you could ask him to babysit for a couple of hours, see how much he wants to see the kiddies then!

For the grannies, maybe a three week cycle - DH can come along and watch the babies while you see the grannies, and then the following week, go by yourself - say the little ones have a cold. Third week no visit, just a phone call. This way you will see them 4x in 6 weeks, and still have 2 weekends free in the same period.

I get you OP - I adore my parents, we are very close, but they find it difficult interacting with the GCs and when we visit they just talk about their ailments; what their neighbour / the dog is doing etc etc - what 15yo, 12yo, 10yo wants to hear that conversation?

They have never taken the youngest ones out anywhere for a day, nor even to the park and decline invitations to school plays / concerts etc.

They absolutely dote on them but just don't seem to remember what it was like to be a kid or even have young kids.

Your situation with younger children sounds hard, be kind to yourself.

I would love for my dm to see her dgc now ☹️

It is stressful when the kids are little. My father will sit there talking away and ignoring the kids whilst I run round like a blue arsed fly. I give him slots and times to arrive.
My grandma died recently and I had the same difficulty when visiting her roasting hot, not at all child friendly house. I used to go alone or take my husband.

And yes, ignore the sanctimonious lot.

I can completely empathise. When they’re little the whole palavar of wrestling them into the car, out of the car, packing their things and being a bag of nerves the whole duration of the visit is not fun all, especially when kids are small and unpredictable. I also get how even a short visit from someone can impact the whole day and cause stress. And I say that as someone who has sadly lost all grandparents and DF when I was young.

How about if you tackle one issue at a time. Just now you’re trying to please everyone and it isn’t working for anyone. Your DF sounds difficult. Could you try to tackle him first? Ask if he’s planning on coming over at the weekend, could he make it in the morning as you’ve plans both days? If he’s grumpy and refuses, that’s his choice. If a day out somewhere isn’t agreeable, maybe suggest he meets you at a local play park? Do you have any aunts/cousins who could accompany you when your visit your grandmothers? Might that help?

It sounds like everything is getting on top of you. Maybe you need to take a step back and say no to all visits, even if it’s just for a couple of weekends.

By ‘say no to all visits’ I don’t mean cut all grandparents off completely (before the sanctimonious lot jump on that comment ). Just to give yourself a bit of head space it might help if you had a few weekends off.

Can’t you or husband pick up the grandmothers and bring back to yours then drop home ?

I think you're getting a hard time here, OP. Of course it's all part of the circle of life - we were babies, now we're adults and parents, one day we might be grandparents.

It sounds like you're trying to pack a lot into your weekends. I think it's a good suggestion to do it all in one day- exhausting but then the rest of the wkend/other weekends are free. Could you bring your father to visit his mother with you?

It sounds like you're going to have to cut down on the visits a bit. Not because you don't love them but because you'll burn out. But manage expectations - e.g., so we'll see you in two weeks this time, etc.- or ask your dad to pick up lunch on the way over

Op I just wanted to say that I get where you're coming from!!
I had four sets of grand parents living in the same area an hour's drive away from me. I was expected to do the two hour round trip every weekend then tote the baby round each of the four houses. All of them expected the baby to be smiling, quiet and prepared to be cuddled whenever they wanted to, then put down and ignored whilst I did jobs. I was so stressful I used to cry on the drive home.
So I get you, you live your family and want to be kind to them but with young dc in tow it can end up becoming incredibly stressful and dragging you down. No advice really, my situation just got better over time. Perhaps you need to set your boundaries and stick to them and try not to feel guilty.

I totally understand what you're saying, it is hard to juggle the different needs of old people and very young children. I can imagine it is very stressful and it's unfair to make "you'll be old one day" type of remarks to you.

I would suggest you are tougher with your DF and say the classic "that doesn't work for me" line if he wants to visit on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Suggest a weekday evening, or an early morning or late afternoon visit so it doesn't kibosh the whole day. If he says no, say "well I'm sorry, we'll be out." He doesn't get to dictate to you any more, you're an adult with your own life. As for the grandmothers, go when you have the support of someone else to help keep an eye on the kids and leave them at home if you don't. Of course they want to see them sometimes, but the stress shouldn't all be on you. Toughen up a bit and try to stop pleasing everybody else all the time. You absolutely deserve a bit of family time with your own DP and children.

I am sorry that you got some stick earlier on.

Some posters unfortunately do not realise that not all grandparents are nice. Some of them are selfish as your dad is, emotionally unhealthy (your dad again) and or demanding by throwing guilt trips about (your grandmothers) or acting like a child (your dad who seems to have the emotional age of a child of 6). As this does not happen to them personally they cannot comprehend it. It also does your children no favours at all to see either you or their dad get run ragged by demanding, and in the case of your dad also self absorbed, relatives. Start saying no to your dad turning up late and have visiting times that suit you as a family unit.

Pog100 nailed this earlier with her comment as follows:-
"Set boundaries that suit YOU with regards visiting and stick to them"

Guilt is truly a useless emotion here.
People will treat you as you expect to be treated; this includes your dad and these grandmothers you write of. Your boundaries re all these people need further strengthening upwards. By people pleasing as you are doing you are simply making your own self unhappy in the process and are just wearing yourself out.

I used to my DS to visit my mum & dad weekly, however I stopped doing this as my mum just ignored my DS. So now I don't bother. It works both ways.

I think you've been given a hard time. Both my parents are dead now and my exh's parents are dead, but we both hated my DF's visits and these visits to elderly aunts & uncles.

In the end, the best way round them was to have a special toy box at the elderly aunt & uncle's house, so DCs were kept entertained. We would also take them out for lunch. Bit of a kerfuffle but it was easier - and more interesting - to take everyone out to the local pub.

My DF was like yours. He expected to be waited on hand and foot and would stay for hours and hours, talking at us, giving helpful advice but never actually helping. In the end we just got on with what we needed and he had to fit in. The best bit was when I sent him and ex out to walk the dogs. They would be gone for hours, leaving only time for a short meal before DF would leave.

It took a few goes at making HIM fit in with US before the visits became less frequent. It's not about caring/not caring, but about changing the boundary to suit your new family.

Good luck OP

I completely understand where you're coming from! Taking young children to houses which are full of hazards and then having to leave them unsupervised is very stressful!

I would get your Dad to come round early doors or not at all, get him in and out by 10.30am. If he can't make it in the morning then it's fine to say, "that's a shame, we're available at 9.30 next Saturday if that suits better?" Just keep on offering the time that suits you.

With respect to the grandparents I would visit both once a month on the same day. Stay 2 hours max. Could you take a pop up play pen/travel cot/a box of toys and colouring pencils to keep the DC entertained and safe? You could have a plastic box with a lid with toys, travel cot etc all together then just grab that and the baby bag on visiting days?

I'm sorry to hear about the PND, I hope you're getting support and you feel better soon.

What a mean lot on this thread. Virgra I'm a Grandmother and I certainly wouldn't expect any of my DC to give up precious family time for me. I love them all dearly and fit in with their plans. You sound a very caring person; if you weren't you wouldn't be feeling bad about it all.
As we get older, and no longer have young family to take care of, we can become a bit selfish though I try not to be.
You can't be all things to all people. You have to put yourself and your DC first. If that means telling your father you're not around any particular weekend, or telling the grandmothers you can't see them then sobeit. They'll have to find something else to do.