My DH and I have been together for 14 years, married for 8 and have 3 DC aged 10, 6 and 8 months. I’ve always felt our relationship was strong...we’ve had ups and downs over the years like any relationship but always felt that we had each other’s back, we’re united and generally felt like I’d married one of the really good men out there.
But over the past year he has let me down spectacularly. After making the decision to try for a third child and getting pregnant, he’s had some kind of mid-life crisis. Quite early on in my pregnancy he started making comments that he was ‘struggling to excited’ about having another baby. In my second trimester, it was very clear that I was expecting a very big baby, I was tired, heavy and really suffering with heartburn but really tried to keep upbeat and busy but he told me that he felt that he and the kids were really suffering as a result of me and my pregnancy. A few weeks before I was due to,give birth, he told me that he’d changed his mind, didn’t want another baby and if he could turn back time he would undo it, leaving me understably very upset at a time when I really could have done with his full support.
During the very early weeks after our DD was born, he was largely absent...he threw himself into his work, went to every conference, work jolly and networking event going and I basically felt abandoned to look after the baby (who at that point had undiagnosed CMPA so lots of screaming), a very emotional 5yo who was struggling to adapt to not being the baby of the family anymore, and a 9yo who felt he needed to step up and comfort his little sister because I had my hands full with the baby and my husband just wasn’t there. It was an incredibly hard time and he basically just left me to it and didn’t seem to give a shit. After a few weeks, we had an argument where he said that he didn’t see why his life should have to change at all after having a baby because it was me who wanted the baby not him. He said the words ‘you’ve got what you want now, so now I’m doing what I want’. It also transpired that he had started getting close to a young woman (in her twenties - we are early forties) who he consistently lied to me about by omission and later lied to my face about spending time with. There was no affair but there is no doubt in my mind that it was heading that way had I not found out about. This is a very edited version...there’s too many things that I could write about but it has been a horrible horrible time.
Anyway, fast forward to now. We have had some very long and emotional chats where I’ve told him how much his actions and words have hurt me, I’ve felt completely taken for granted and undervalued, the way he has treated his baby daughter is despicable, I’ve lost trust in him etc etc. He’s shown a lot of genuine, I think, remorse. He has also totally fallen in love with our baby and is making an effort to help and bond with her. He has agreed to counselling and is making a real effort to make things better between us and rebuild the trust.
But, the thing is...after everything that has happened, I don’t feel the same. I never thought he could let me down and treat me as badly as he has. Not only was he unsupportive at a time when I really needed his support, he actually made a challenging time one hell of a lot harder because of his behaviour. When I look back on my DD’s babyhood, I will always remember what a shit time he put me through when I should have been enjoying her. He’s ruined that for me. He is making such an effort now but I feel bitter and resentful. I look at him bonding with our daughter and feel that he doesn’t deserve her. He keeps telling me that he’s ‘struggled to adapt’ to having another baby but that ‘things are getting better now’, but I just think it’s a piss poor excuse and that things aren’t getting better because I’ve seen him in a different light now and things have changed forever. We’re going to go to counselling but I’m starting to wonder if I can ever move on from this. I don’t know what I’m asking really. Has anyone been through this and got through it? Is this salvageable? I would do anything to keep my family together but my husband is not the man I thought he was.