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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

POF

68 replies

brook1ands · 12/02/2019 11:58

Hoping someone can help. Been talking for a week or so with a guy on Plenty of Fish. We are getting on really well and have now started swapping sexy messages and sexy photos on kik messenger. I am now thinking he is an imposter and is a fake profile and I am worried about the photos we have swapped. Can anyone help?

OP posts:
ImNotKitten · 12/02/2019 14:08

The police can’t do anything unless he shares the photos elsewhere and then I wonder if it would be covered by revenge porn laws.

In future if you’re going to send risqué photos to someone make sure you aren’t identifiable in them.

misskiki69 · 12/02/2019 14:10

He couldn't possibly be your soulmate after a mere week of messaging. He is a stranger. You really need to work on yourself and ensuring you have healthy boundaries in place. You shouldn't be sending "sexy messages and pictures" to strangers. If you are interested in a serious relationship, sending such things will give the wrong impression completely. It's highly likely he is married or in a relationship already.

ItsABeatifulDayNow · 12/02/2019 14:13

Also i would recommend checking out the freedom programme - recently it's been very helpful to me - I'm single but that isn't the mark of success or failure.

The success is happiness and good self image to avoid these such situations and much, much worse particularly when speaking to strangers.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk don't dismiss because of the mentions of abuse on the site - it's been a great source of reflection and self improvement for many people on Mumsnet forums alone.

I once (long time back) told mum after a month I thought I had fallen in love during the four weeks we were seeing each other.

Her response? "Anyone can be nice for three months."

His response when i told him foolishly - again I was 17? "Omg I thought this was a casual thing shit I don't want anything serious and I've been seeing someone I feel more strongly about anyway. And they live closer"

Last line was a kicker eh?! Anyway point is BE CAREFUL. Really really get to know someone before any risky behaviour. I'm not talking about even about sex exclusively - but sharing and blackmail / circulation are real dangers that we seem to see in the press more and more.

Hope it all works you for you ThanksWine

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 12/02/2019 14:14

Chances are he is in a relationship and he would have no inclination to do anything with your photos as that would potentially expose him. He has far more to lose. So I wouldn't worry. Just chalk it down to experience. Chatting on kik might not necessarily be a problem in itself - there are all sorts of people out there and you might not want to hand your mobile out at first.

Original poster
brook1ands · 12/02/2019 14:22

I have struggled years to find a decent bloke and to no success. They all think I am too fat. Online seemed an option. I am just sick of being alone

OP posts:
punishmepunisher · 12/02/2019 14:28

I'd steer clear of POF. It's a few years since I was OLD but POF was notorious for being full of scummy blokes sending dick pics and looking for hook ups.

Can you try one of the quieter sites like OKC? That was much nicer and less full of men trying to score nudes or one night stands.

GraceMarks · 12/02/2019 14:30

brook1ands please do not take what any of us are saying as a criticism of you - personally, I recognise the signs of low self esteem and I sympathise hugely. It sounds to me as if your previous experiences have led you to have low expectations of men and that you now assume that you're not going to be treated well. It leaves you in an incredibly vulnerable position where you pounce on any scraps of kindness that you're shown because you think you're not going to get anything better.

I am in a similar position, but in my case I've made the decision to steer clear of seeking a relationship because I know I wouldn't make good choices. I'm not suggesting that's what you should do, but I really think you might consider working on your self esteem before you go out looking for someone to be with. Unfortunately, some men are very good at picking out vulnerable women to target. Did you read VickyMcClures post above about the Freedom Programme?

wishywashy6 · 12/02/2019 14:35

@brook1ands you really need to work on being happy with yourself. Yes it's cliche but it's so true. A 'decent bloke' wouldn't be looking to exchange naked pictures with someone after a week of messaging.
Set yourself some standards and stick to them

Original poster
brook1ands · 12/02/2019 14:37

Yes I did and thank you all. Your kindness has brought a tear to my eye (again) I have been a complete fool. I knew that before i asked you folk but i just wanted validation i guess. Is there any way I can ever get him held to account for this? I do not want him to do to others what he has taken from me

OP posts:
punishmepunisher · 12/02/2019 14:39

Not really OP, he hasn't actually done anything illegal.

GraceMarks · 12/02/2019 14:46

Yes, sorry brook1ands but unless he coerced you into sending the pictures or you find out he's shared them elsewhere, there's nothing really you can do. It sucks, but being a manipulative wanker isn't actually illegal in itself.

wishywashy6 · 12/02/2019 14:48

I doubt there's anything you can do, he hasn't taken anything from you - you willingly gave it to him.

MargoLovebutter · 12/02/2019 14:53

Big hug to you OP, that sounds shitty. Some really good advice here about taking care of yourself online.

I would add to that, don't use any photos on your profile that are easy to reverse search and locate you via Facebook or Instagram. Also make sure you have your FB and Insta profiles locked down, so only friends can see full content.

Be very wary about the information & photos you share with complete strangers, however nice or into you they seem. Try and be your own guardian and / or kindly parent and think to yourself, "if I were my own daughter, what would I say here".

If at any point you feel you are being pressured, then you probably are, so just block the person you are chatting to.

Join up to the dating thread in the Relationships topic on here - loads of good advice and people in the same boat.

userxx · 12/02/2019 14:54

He hasn't don't anything wrong apart from being a sleazy fucker.

Original poster
brook1ands · 12/02/2019 15:10

Cannot stop crying. He made me feel really wanted and desireable.

OP posts:
GraceMarks · 12/02/2019 15:19

You're giving the sleazy fucker (with thanks to userxx) way too much power over you. He's just one man in a world that's full of them. For all you know, the pictures he sent you might not even have been of him. You don't need some random anonymous man's validation to think of yourself as being worthy of someone's love. He doesn't get to decide that or anything else on your behalf. Seriously, he is not worth all the energy and sorrow you're pouring into him.

Flexidev17 · 12/02/2019 15:24

KiK is a fast way of sharing content and protecting profile and life. I would exit and delete immediately. Speaking from experience.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/02/2019 15:24

Just look out for yourself OP.
There are sooooo many sleazy men out there you need to be wary of each and everyone of them until you have met them and dated them for a while.
If they won't agree to facetime, then block.
If they won't agree to meet, then block.
If they agree to meet and then cancel more than once, block.
You get the idea....
But don't beat yourself up about this.
You did it - it's happened. There's nothing you can do now but move on from this.
You may find the Womens Aid Freedom Programme helps you with boundaries, spotting red flags, and assholes!
You can do it on-line.

SparklyMagpie · 12/02/2019 15:27

He actually hasn't done anything, to your knowledge. I can understand you are feeling the way you are, but focus on you and learn from this

MargoLovebutter · 12/02/2019 15:31

I really feel for you. That you are so upset because you felt validated by a stranger you'd never met suggests to me you would really benefit from having a think about how you feel better about yourself before you start dating, as well as some basics about being safe online.

I second all the recommendations for the Freedom Programme and also advice sites such as this: www.getsafeonline.org/social-networking/online-dating/ have some really sensible advice which is easy to understand and apply in a practical way.

wishywashy6 · 12/02/2019 15:37

You're giving the sleazy fucker (with thanks to userxx) way too much power over you. He's just one man in a world that's full of them. For all you know, the pictures he sent you might not even have been of him. You don't need some random anonymous man's validation to think of yourself as being worthy of someone's love. He doesn't get to decide that or anything else on your behalf. Seriously, he is not worth all the energy and sorrow you're pouring into him.

Absolutely this. He's a nobody to you, a faceless stranger on the internet. Don't allow him, or anyone else for that matter, have the power to break you.
Ultimately, the way you feel about yourself is down to one person - you. You need to really work at realising you are worth more than cheap kicks online (totally different if you were using him for the same and both parties are happy with that, but I don't think this is the case here!)

You mentioned earlier about most men thinking you're 'too fat' .... is that the case? Or is that what you think about yourself?
Are you happy with your size?

Original poster
brook1ands · 12/02/2019 15:44

I want to lose weight yes.

OP posts:
AbbieDabbieDoo · 12/02/2019 15:51

My mantra was always "kik means cock". As soon as someone asks for your kik details, that's the sign that they're only interested in sexy pics, won't ever want to meet and probably aren't who they say they are. Absolutely fine if that's what you're after...but it doesn't sound like it is?
Don't feel bad about yourself though - I found POF a total nightmare for this kind of thing and had some really awful experiences. Maybe check out some other sites, and chalk this one up to experience xx

wishywashy6 · 12/02/2019 15:54

@brook1ands ok so, forget men for a while and start by focusing on that. Do what you need to do to make yourself happy, nobody else.
As you start to feel happier within yourself, your confidence will grow. Confidence is sexy, no matter what size you are. You'll attract better people if you learn to love who you are.

I'm by no means telling you you need to be lose weight to get a decent man by the way, it's all about how you feel about yourself within and if you're not happy with things the way they are then it's down to you to make the necessary changes.

Once I learnt to take responsibility for my own happiness I found an inner strength that I honestly don't think anyone could break and now, man or no man, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.

Original poster
brook1ands · 12/02/2019 16:18

I just feel used. We exchanged intimate pictures and videos as well

OP posts:
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