Giving a second chance when person finally admits he might have anxiety/depression?

[Seesamiseeme]

Hi. Long story, sorry. Basically, my question is whether it is possible that a person has behaved the way he has due to anxiety/depression/trauma and whether he can change and whether it would be worth considering giving him a chance.

I’ve been with my boyfriend (both 29) 1.5 years, living together 5 months. I should have break it off from the start but somehow I did not (been alone most of my life, have had a few very short relationships with weird-bad guys; so he was the first who was really good and smart and like a proper man at the time). He has lost contact with nearly all of his friends over the years prior to meeting me, he has not been active in any sports or other hobby for years, he does not very much communicate with his family (though he talks to his mother sometimes). He has nearly always been in a relationship (two 1-2 year long relationships and prior to meeting me he just had finished a 5 years long relationship). He has been very suffocating towards me to the point that I almost stopped seeing my friends (I have solved it now) and cut down my hobby hours very much. Now I hate myself for it, because I was in such a good shape and I had developed so well in my hobby and now I have gone back in this development like two years or so. I have started doing it more again, but the process to get in shape again is slow. He is also a master in procrastination. He is rather negative and criticises other people (not me). Also he has not asked me questions about myself in the past, shown interest in me as a person – this has somewhat improved after I have repeatedly pointed it out. He has very good characteristics which I like and which would be beneficial in the future. There are also some things that we do not match so well perhaps – I perhaps do not like his humour and communication style so much… However, you cannot get someone to be perfect, right.

Anyway, I have at least for a year been certain that he has maybe social anxiety or depression or something like this. I have suggested counselling, finding hobbies, trying to make new friends or contact old ones, giving me space to do my own thing etc. He has refused all of it. Now I finally decided that the good things do not overweight the bad ones and I just cannot take it anymore, I am exhausted of his behaviour of just floating through life not deciding, not doing anything and at the same time suffocating me. I told him I want to break up. Now I’m in a big mess.

He suddenly realised everything that he has done, that he needs counselling, that he needs to gather himself together, that he does not want to lose me, that he has thought about doing these things a long time, but he has not had the courage and strength. He admits he needs help from outside. He has read during the two last days and really understands (according to his words) that he has behaved very badly, that he needs and wants to change. He says he can do it alone, he would do all of those things even if we break up, but he would prefer if I would not dump him, because he really wants a chance. He wants to lose weight, start a hobby, try to contact his old friends, try to communicate with his colleagues outside work, promised to schedule an appointment to a specialist (counselling), understands that it is normal that I want to spend time alone and wants to give it to me (i.e. going out alone and letting me be home alone) etc etc.

Is it possible? Someone to really find help and go through with this all? I have really hard time believing him because I have told him several times all of these things during the last year, but he has not done anything. I am so exhausted. And actually angry – why now? Now when I am ready to walk away. Why to put me in this position. I just have to now wait and see whether he improves or not. I told him I do not think we are suitable to each other, compatible. He said he does not believe it, he wants to improve these bad things and then we can decide whether we are compatible or not. I have no love towards him currently, have not had most of the time. BUT I keep thinking about all of these good, even wonderful characteristics that he has. If he improves the really bad ones and keeps the really good ones, then maybe I can cope with these characteristics as well which are not so good, but not totally bad either (e.g. the humour and communication style, not rally having much emotional connection).

Currently, I do not want him the way he is! BUT if he would improve, I think he could be a good father and a good partner, he is loyal, caring, sweet. But I cannot be sure whether I would like him then… I do not even know which of his "flaws" are a result of anxiety/depression, which are his personality. I want to believe that his issues are caused by anxiety/depression/childhood traumas and they can be treated, and he will improve. But I have so hard time believing in him. On the other hand, if I give up maybe I will lose the best potential partner I could have. When I am next to him I think I want it to continue. When I am at work or outside or away from him my first instinct is that I do not want it! But then my brain starts to overthink everything again.

Really losing my mind here…

It's hard to tell from the outside op, but speaking generally, it is fair to give people second chances BUT the way you have described everything here, I'm not sure what the point would be. He sounds controlling. You don't love him. He doesn't show an interest in you as a person unless you ask him to. And he is only saying now he is going to bother to change because you are leaving. His "sudden enlightenment" doesn't sound convincing I'm afraid. It sounds as though you have already given him second and third chances and things haven't improved, and you are doubting yourself now, because owing to previous bad eggs, you are worried you won't find anyone better.

He is not "the one" op. Trust your instincts. You've been together less then two years. It shouldn't be this hard at this stage. Be kind to yourself and move on!

This is your reminder that you don't actually need your partner's permission to split up with him.

Do you really want your life to be such hard work?

I agree. Listen to your feelings and note all his actions to date. He has a repeated history of not seeking help or improving way before you came along that’s why all the others left him. He is not saying these things now for you or the relationship - he is just concerned about himself. Don’t waste a single precious moment of your life. Move on and don’t look back.

Run run run. Talk is cheap, op. He's only telling you what you want to hear. Don't waste another day of your precious life with this man.

How convenient that he ‘suddenly ‘ realised the error of his ways when you ended it. Not before when you were obviously unhappy, but when he was loosing his cushy lifestyle.

Now he has had this epiphany, you have to stay with him because he will definitely do all the work to get better. He promises, you know next week, after that work deadline, he is on it, he looked on the Internet and wrote down some numbers, he will call tomorrow.

After all, him keeping his word has been one of the reasons his is a good guy and you shouldn’t break up with him.

I mean he is sick, he has issues, he needs you. So what if you are isolated, unhappy and not in love with him. You can’t end it, he has read stuff, he is going to call someone about it... tomorrow.

Tell him you are so proud of him that he has acknowledged there is a problem, that he is going to work on it and that he will have to work on it alone... just like he said he could.

I would leave him to get on with treatment on his own, OP.
I think, like several PPs, that he’s just promising all this to make you stay- I doubt he really will do anything about it.
If he does actually turn his life around, then he can look for a new relationship with someone else.
Meanwhile, you are free to find a nice man who is not such hard bloody work and offers so little to you.
Maybe you should seek counselling to discover why you chose a difficult and problematic man like him in the first place, and help you to choose better in future? Good luck.

Hi, I'm the OP. I had some issues signing in with my account, so I made a new one.

Anyway. Thank you so much for your thoughts! You have really good points, which I have thought about also. However, if it is OK, I would like to think "out loud" a bit more.

My instincts really tell me to run. On the other hand, I am so worried that perhaps he can get his life sorted and will become a wonderful man and then I have lost him. Perhaps I will not find another man in my life and he sorts himself out, finds a nice woman and spends a wonderful life, while I just moan to myself regretting my decision... It sounds so pathetic, I know. Before I met him, I really enjoyed being alone, doing my hobby, spending some time with my friends, enjoying being by myself. Then again, I had these moments where I wanted companionship, to give my love to someone, to feel loved, there were moments of loneliness, but most of the time I was happy. I also worked hard to achieve this. Years before I was also depressed and sad and did basically nothing but stayed home. I got my counselling, worked hard, but I also had a very strong support from my mother. Also, I know I have been happy alone, I did decide that it is no biggie if I spend the rest of my life alone, but now it seems so difficult to get back to this point. I have lost most of my joy for life, I am not happy with my progress regarding my hobbie etc, I feel my life revolves around him. It does sound comforting when he says he promises this won't happen again. But again - it does not happen over night, so meanwhile it is difficult. But is sounds a bit like alcoholic speaking about leavening his drinking problem behind.

On the other hand, I do not want HIM to do it without support, because the support is so important as I have experienced previously. I want to be that support, but I am already exhausted by him, so I feel I cannot give it to him. Maybe in a form of friendship, where he has moved out an so. I really feel so sorry for him. I have felt all the entire time, which has been one of the reasons of not breaking it off sooner. The other reason is the fear of letting something potentially good. They all say that "relationships need work". Perhaps I am too selfish, wanting to spend too much time alone, having commitment issues etc.

I think I keep thinking about the "future me", not the "current me". Currently I am not happy, I am exhausted, I want to be alone. But in the future, if I get back on track, I want all these good things he can provide - care, sweetness, trips, companionship. But I guess it is so wrong to think that HE is the ONLY person on earth who can give such things to me.

My mother thinks he is manipulating me. I have thought so, too. But my mind is messed up. I keep saying to myself it's his issues that are doing these things, not himself. But who can really tell? I haven't been the most though on him, I have been good-hearted, soft and good, I have not forced him. Maybe I should have not been so soft? Maybe I have should be more direct and strong on putting place my boundaries. He has not exactly forced me to quit my hobby or friendships or spend all my time with him (like telling me I cannot go or so), it has been my own decision. Although, decision based on his reactions to my wants (being passive-agressive, reacting the way that I feel sorry for him (e.g. "well, ok, go, I'll try to manage on my own then, I do not have a choice, do I"), always telling me "we do not spend enough time together" - no matter how much time I have given him).

What also bothers me, basically what you guys also pointed out in some way, that it is really convenient for him currently. Basically, during the past few days since the break-up-talk, he has mentioned a couple of times that maybe I will regret my decision and asked am I sure. On the other hand, even more times he has told that HE does not want to regret, HE wants to be sure that we are or are not compatible. Basically I have told him that I do not know whether I can give him another change, I have told him I do not love him, I have told him I do not have regrets or if I do then I can cope with these, I have told him I do not need him and do not want him and he has the opportunity to go and look for a more suitable girl, that I do not think we are compatible. And it sound so ridicilous that after all this he says - I want to be sure we are not compatible, I do not want to have regrets, I want you to be by my side, I want to prove, I want to become the man I want to be and then decide whether we actually are compatible or not. It sounds idiotic - like.. I do not want him but I have to stand by his side and wait for him to make up his mind whether he wants to be with me or not, whether I am right or not.

It doesn't sound like you love him, OP.

You have ONE life and your gut is telling you to leave this guy.

But you want to ignore your gut for a massive MAYBE?

Long term this man will only bring you down. It sounds like you feel you could only really love him if he were to change rather than loving him for him. He needs to want to change for him, the fact that he refused until you said you wanted to split is very telling.
The manipulation and being controlling are red flags - do you really think he’ll just stop? I can imagine him saying after any arguments that he went to therapy ‘for you’ and you still don’t think he’s good enough etc..I honestly think you’ll happier without him. I bet if you imagine it you’d feel like a weight had been lifted.

I am linking to two articles from baggagereclaim.com, because Natalie Lue explains it better than I ever could. You are 'betting on potential' and falling for the 'sunk costs' fallacy.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/betting-on-potential-are-you-gambling-on-a-relationship-capacity-that-doesnt-exist/

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/weve-got-to-stop-trying-to-recoup-our-sunk-costs-in-our-relationships/

But the short version is that you would be wasting your time staying, for all the reasons others have covered.

The OP here again!

Thank you again. These articles were really spot on.

My last doubt regarding the situation is guilt - firstly, being a bad person leaving someone in need of help and support; secondly, he also moved into my apartment five months ago, and threw away many of his old stuff (like kitchen things, furniture, pillows). Most of these things of course were not bought by himself (mostly given to him by his family, their old stuff). Now he has to start from basically zero again, while I stay into my comfortable life in my apartment with my furniture and stuff, my hobby and friends and my support group.
Of course, it is not my problem that I have managed to buy an apartment and keep contact with my friends and I am happy with my life and done it all by myself living alone (ok, with the help of my mother as my biggest supporter, but I also knew how to ask for her help). And at the same time he has always been in relationship, has shared home expenses with these women and has not managed to buy himself nothing besides clothes and a computer and so.

And being the adult he is, he made choices.

His choice was to jump from relationship to relationship where he shared expenses and not save money.

Your choice was to save and get yourself in a secure position.

Why have you taken on guilt for the choices someone else made before you even got together?

Because I am a silly old fool who cares too much of others wellbeing and then becomes resentful when my own wellbeing is not as high as it could be and then decides to step forward and the becomes the doormat again :(

You helped me a lot realising that I really need to stick to my needs and wants, not to dream of "maybe's" and "potentials" and so on. I realise - I am not happy now, at this moment, I have tried to change it, but I still am unhappy, thus I need to make final decision to step out of this life that is making me unhappy.

Not a silly old fool. Just a kind hearted person who forgot the number one rule.

In case of emergency, always see to yourself before helping others.

I just realised something more, that yes, however strongly I try, I just do not love him. So there is no point in torturing myself. But with that realisation, I just felt so much pain - I just feel genuinely so sorry for him. He just wants love and to be loved and he just cannot find it. It is so heart breaking
I should have sticked with my decision a few days ago, now I just have to put ourselves through the same heartbreaking moment again..

Well, if you don't love him, that's that.

Before I read your last post, I was coming on to suggest that you tell him that's it's great that it's come to this realisation, so he should go away and work on himself and come back to see you in a year's time. Don't be a rescuer. It's his job to fix himself, not your job to do it for him.

My instincts really tell me to run

That’s all you need to know!

If you don't love him, this really is the kindest thing for you to do. You'll be putting him in the best position to meet someone who does love him.

You are operating in FOG (fear obligation guilt) these are never reasons to make decisions to live your life by.

You have done so much and worked so hard to make your life emotionally and financially secure and this relationship has eroded enough already - don’t let it sabotage you further. Get back to YOU - your hobbies, friends etc. Your happy ever after will follow - it is just around the corner waiting for the busy, bright, social, happy, driven woman to pick up where she lifer off. It is not in their engulfing, negative, swamping relationship.

Thank you all! We talked last night and it is now final - we are broken up. It hurts really bad, because he is a good guy, just a bit broken. I really wanted to love him, and I accuse myself of not trying hard enough. Not giving him the chance. But I know that I do not have the strenght currently, I need at least some time of space. I hope I can let it go and be happy soon with my decision. If not, we'll see.
What drives me wild is that I really do not know which of his characteristics that I could not cope with are the result of his issues/anxiety which could be cured, and which are his personality traits which cannot. I really wanted to try and see, but I know it would only hurt him because in this state living together, him hoping, I could not support him and see the good in him and cope with my feelings.

You are not obliged to stand by this person while he sorts himself out, or fails to. You have to ask yourself, why are you his only option for support at this time? His family give him stuff but perhaps they don't do emotions, ok, that can happen. But he doesn't have friends either. He doesn't have outside interests and all his relationships have broken down after a short time (bar the five year one, perhaps someone more resilient or desperate than the others!). This is a pervasive pattern. How likely is it that there is a wonderful man underneath which only you can bring out? Has he, perhaps, been flitting from woman to woman hoping that each will be the one to sort his problems for him, never realising that only he can do that for himself (with support, fair enough, but he has to do the work)? And now it's your turn. How long are you supposed to give it? After which he can't even promise he'll want to stay with you

I'd also add that communication and a compatible sense of humour are two of the most important things in any relationship. If these are lacking now, it really doesn't sound promising for an amazing future whatever therapy does for his other issues.

Cut him loose and I guarantee he'll be with another girlfriend before the year is out. Possibly the month.

That was an epic cross-post - don't feel guilty, it is the right thing for you and unlikely to be a very bad thing for him. Some things even the best partner just can't fix.