Hi. Long story, sorry. Basically, my question is whether it is possible that a person has behaved the way he has due to anxiety/depression/trauma and whether he can change and whether it would be worth considering giving him a chance.
I’ve been with my boyfriend (both 29) 1.5 years, living together 5 months. I should have break it off from the start but somehow I did not (been alone most of my life, have had a few very short relationships with weird-bad guys; so he was the first who was really good and smart and like a proper man at the time). He has lost contact with nearly all of his friends over the years prior to meeting me, he has not been active in any sports or other hobby for years, he does not very much communicate with his family (though he talks to his mother sometimes). He has nearly always been in a relationship (two 1-2 year long relationships and prior to meeting me he just had finished a 5 years long relationship). He has been very suffocating towards me to the point that I almost stopped seeing my friends (I have solved it now) and cut down my hobby hours very much. Now I hate myself for it, because I was in such a good shape and I had developed so well in my hobby and now I have gone back in this development like two years or so. I have started doing it more again, but the process to get in shape again is slow. He is also a master in procrastination. He is rather negative and criticises other people (not me). Also he has not asked me questions about myself in the past, shown interest in me as a person – this has somewhat improved after I have repeatedly pointed it out. He has very good characteristics which I like and which would be beneficial in the future. There are also some things that we do not match so well perhaps – I perhaps do not like his humour and communication style so much… However, you cannot get someone to be perfect, right.
Anyway, I have at least for a year been certain that he has maybe social anxiety or depression or something like this. I have suggested counselling, finding hobbies, trying to make new friends or contact old ones, giving me space to do my own thing etc. He has refused all of it. Now I finally decided that the good things do not overweight the bad ones and I just cannot take it anymore, I am exhausted of his behaviour of just floating through life not deciding, not doing anything and at the same time suffocating me. I told him I want to break up. Now I’m in a big mess.
He suddenly realised everything that he has done, that he needs counselling, that he needs to gather himself together, that he does not want to lose me, that he has thought about doing these things a long time, but he has not had the courage and strength. He admits he needs help from outside. He has read during the two last days and really understands (according to his words) that he has behaved very badly, that he needs and wants to change. He says he can do it alone, he would do all of those things even if we break up, but he would prefer if I would not dump him, because he really wants a chance. He wants to lose weight, start a hobby, try to contact his old friends, try to communicate with his colleagues outside work, promised to schedule an appointment to a specialist (counselling), understands that it is normal that I want to spend time alone and wants to give it to me (i.e. going out alone and letting me be home alone) etc etc.
Is it possible? Someone to really find help and go through with this all? I have really hard time believing him because I have told him several times all of these things during the last year, but he has not done anything. I am so exhausted. And actually angry – why now? Now when I am ready to walk away. Why to put me in this position. I just have to now wait and see whether he improves or not. I told him I do not think we are suitable to each other, compatible. He said he does not believe it, he wants to improve these bad things and then we can decide whether we are compatible or not. I have no love towards him currently, have not had most of the time. BUT I keep thinking about all of these good, even wonderful characteristics that he has. If he improves the really bad ones and keeps the really good ones, then maybe I can cope with these characteristics as well which are not so good, but not totally bad either (e.g. the humour and communication style, not rally having much emotional connection).
Currently, I do not want him the way he is! BUT if he would improve, I think he could be a good father and a good partner, he is loyal, caring, sweet. But I cannot be sure whether I would like him then… I do not even know which of his "flaws" are a result of anxiety/depression, which are his personality. I want to believe that his issues are caused by anxiety/depression/childhood traumas and they can be treated, and he will improve. But I have so hard time believing in him. On the other hand, if I give up maybe I will lose the best potential partner I could have. When I am next to him I think I want it to continue. When I am at work or outside or away from him my first instinct is that I do not want it! But then my brain starts to overthink everything again.
Really losing my mind here…