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Original poster

To notice people don’t like it when you have healthy personal boundaries

44 replies

Giraffesinscarves · 12/02/2019 07:35

There have been times when I’ve had to end a friendship or limit a relationship with someone because they have been unkind or toxic. I don’t like drama so if something is not working I tend to draw a line and move on.

I’ve noticed though if you do this other people think you are being dramatic and should just get over it for the sake of peace and harmony. That you are being difficult/awkward and should just suck it up and get on with everyone.

I’m trying to practice mental hygeine by having relationships with positive and supportive people and being the best friend/relative I can be in turn so they feel supported and loved. I have very little time for people who play games.

Why is it that you are expected to fit in with other people’s ideas of getting along but they completely disregard your view?

I was talking with someone yesterday who seemed to think it was odd or weird to remove people from your life and was some kind of failure on your part. I tend to think the opposite, that if you have strong personal boundaries you are a much happier and mentally healthier person in the long run.

Just my musings but what do you think?

OP posts:
JellySlice · 12/02/2019 07:37

Because other people have different boundaries to you.

greenelephantscarf · 12/02/2019 07:41

it might seem odd and antisocial.
friendship is not a one way street, all parties need to work on it to make it work.

BlingLoving · 12/02/2019 07:41

Well, i think it depends what these boundaries are. If you drop people after a single argument, or if theybdont agree with you 100% of the time, i would agree that's a bit much and probably does cause a lot of drama and angst for the people being dropped.

QuintadiMalago · 12/02/2019 07:42

I would probably want to move away from someone who spoke about strong, healthy personal boundaries. In fact I would run very quickly in the opposite direction

CherryPavlova · 12/02/2019 07:46

What QuintadiMalago said and multiply by ten.

MrsGideon · 12/02/2019 07:47

Oh Mumsnet. Only on here could people respond to posts in Aibu telling OPs to drop their toxic friends and then in the next breath say they'd run a mile from anyone with healthy personal boundaries 🙄

I think you sound pretty normal OP. Yes, if you're dropping people left, right and centre when you've had one argument then people might have a point. But if it's just that you don't stand for any unnecessary drama then I think you're fine.

S021 · 12/02/2019 07:48

People have offering boundaries.
Friendships are about give and take and sometimes a friend may be in need, one day that friend may be you.
I don’t believe in only surrounding myself with people who have the same opinions, views and outlook on life. It narrows the mind as is boring, quite frankly.

Bluntness100 · 12/02/2019 07:49

I think it depends. There are things that are relationship ending, and things that can be worked through, particularly if you love or care about a person.

Your post reads rather self congratulatory, but it's unclear if you tolerate no shit to the point of one day you will simply be alone, because you can't accept we are all human and none of us perfect, or if you simply have a lot of people in your life who do relationship ending shit things.

Original poster
Giraffesinscarves · 12/02/2019 07:50

I believe a relationship (be it friendship or a relation) is a two way street built on mutual respect. If you hurt someone badly you apologise, especially if that person has said exactly why they are hurt and tried to rectify the situation. If they refuse to apologise or even talk about it how can you have a relationship with them?

I don’t dump people and always want to talk it out but if someone else doesn’t admit they are wrong how can that be a relationship? Why would you want that in your life?

OP posts:
pissedonatrain · 12/02/2019 07:51

@Giraffesinscarves what exactly did these friends do to you?

Original poster
Giraffesinscarves · 12/02/2019 07:53

MrsGideon I know it’s hilarious isn’t it Grin

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/02/2019 07:55

Well sure if someone hurts you badly and refuses to apologise it's best to disengage but your op reads this has happened to you multiple times.

So either you're a bit of a drama llama, or you simply have sheen unusually unlucky. It's very hard to tell which it is.

Bluntness100 · 12/02/2019 07:58

Can you give examples of all the things people have done to you?

larrygrylls · 12/02/2019 08:00

I guess the question is what you think of as ‘healthy’.

How often do you apologise to others about your behaviour?

I think that if a lot of your friends are telling you that you are dramatic, you would be best to listen. They know the details far more than an Internet forum given zero examples of why you dropped people.

Original poster
Giraffesinscarves · 12/02/2019 08:00

I have only ended two relationship in my 40 odd years. One was because of historic child abuse that was swept under the carpet despite the immense pain it caused to very close relation of mine. The other was a friend who spread intimate details about my MMCs as if it was gossip and openly discussed it all in front of people at social gatherings. Despite me asking her first not to tell people and then telling her I was extremely hurt that my pain was the subject of gossip. Other stuff too but it would be way too outing. I hope that wasn’t drip feeding just responding to questions. I’m really lucky in that I have really good mates and a a close family so I’m not going to end up a hermit!!

It’s just someone I was talking to yesterday seemed to take it as a personal failing if you decided to end a relationship with someone. Just seemed a really odd way of looking at it if that person has cause you pain! Why would you keep going back for another kicking!?!?

OP posts:
Dalia1989 · 12/02/2019 08:01

I dunno. The one person I know who talked like that was actually a total nightmare in RL as her 'healthy personal boundaries' actually meant a load of unnecessary extra drama over who was invited to what because she'd fallen out with so many people.

If you don't go to any kind of group meetings/parties/hobby meet ups/whatever, then sure. Have your 'healthy personal boundaries' and no need to 'suck it up' for the sake of politeness and restful group dynamics. But otherwise, I suspect you are extremely hard work.

Original poster
Giraffesinscarves · 12/02/2019 08:03

I would be mortified if I thought I had caused someone pain and would most definitely apologise! I’m one for talking things out but not everyone is.

It was only one person who said it but it got me thinking, mainly how much do we have to put up with for the sake of social harmony and the damage it does to us mentally? (Hence mental hygiene). I genuinely think it helps to be conscious of what would damage your own mental health and try to protect it as much as possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Giraffesinscarves · 12/02/2019 08:07

I’m not really talking about social tiffs btw! I’m actually really laid back and pretty much go with the flow with all my friends. I’m talking about deep seated pain that pretty much goes unacknowledged because its going to rock the boat, so the onus is on the injured party as it were to suck it up.

OP posts:
Dalia1989 · 12/02/2019 08:12

Looking up, you say you've only ended two relationships in 40 years, which doesn't seem unreasonable. I think, in that case, it's your friend who is being a bit of a drama llama.

bullyingadvice2017 · 12/02/2019 08:16

Agree op. Same as you. Also with family. Just because someone is your relation why do folk let shit behaviour go time and time again with the, oh it's just dave, you know what he's like. And that's the end of it. Dave never expected to sort his behaviour out and everyone else just puts up with it. Fuck that. I have lots of people in my life that I would love to spend more time with. So I'm buggered if I'm spending it pretending to be the bloody Walton's with dickheads that I have no interest in being in the company of

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/02/2019 08:17

Some people will put up with almost anything rather than stand up to people. They will then spend the rest of their time moaning at you about the person who has treated them badly. Rather like the irritating posters on MN who whinge on about CFers, dont tell them to jog on but are back within weeks whinging again.

QuintadiMalago · 12/02/2019 08:20

MrsGideon and GiraffesJust to be clear in case some of you can't read. I said I would run away from someone who SPOKE about strong, healthy personal boundaries.

Bluntness100 · 12/02/2019 08:22

Very odd. Did the person who said it know why you ended these relationships? The overwhelming majority of people would also end relationships for these reasons or advice you to. I'm surprised you don't know this?

Iggly · 12/02/2019 08:22

Well from your updates I don’t think those are minor issues and, those are things that pretty much almost people would agree, were good reasons to end a relationship.

So, would you like a medal? Or are you not telling the whole story?

pissedonatrain · 12/02/2019 08:25

What's an MMC?

I wouldn't really care if the friend thought it was a personal failing.

sometimes I wish people would refrain from gushing about every tiny detail of their lives. oversharing