To notice people don’t like it when you have healthy personal boundaries

[Giraffesinscarves]

There have been times when I’ve had to end a friendship or limit a relationship with someone because they have been unkind or toxic. I don’t like drama so if something is not working I tend to draw a line and move on.

I’ve noticed though if you do this other people think you are being dramatic and should just get over it for the sake of peace and harmony. That you are being difficult/awkward and should just suck it up and get on with everyone.

I’m trying to practice mental hygeine by having relationships with positive and supportive people and being the best friend/relative I can be in turn so they feel supported and loved. I have very little time for people who play games.

Why is it that you are expected to fit in with other people’s ideas of getting along but they completely disregard your view?

I was talking with someone yesterday who seemed to think it was odd or weird to remove people from your life and was some kind of failure on your part. I tend to think the opposite, that if you have strong personal boundaries you are a much happier and mentally healthier person in the long run.

Just my musings but what do you think?

Quintadi "I would probably want to move away from someone who spoke about strong, healthy personal boundaries"

may I ask why please?

Boundaries from outset are generally accepted by everyone, if you are switching from doormat to slayer expect resistance....some people prefer a good old doormat to use when they feel like it.

Your focus on boundaries is understandable. You were not able to have them as a child, and for so long. I can see why boundaries are very very important to you, and given what happened to you I am sure your friends completely understand.

You need boundaries to keep you safe. I get that.

What are "MMCs", @Giraffesinscarves.

"mental hygeine"

I tend to think the opposite, that if you have strong personal boundaries you are a much happier and mentally healthier person in the long run.

You're not alone. I feel the same. I have no headspace for certain kinds of people, particularly those who are self centred and attention-seeking or those who think the world is against them and everything is a conspiracy - life's too short! I'm perfectly civil to them, but I ensure I don't get too involved.

My own brother is an attention seeker, always trying to prove the big "I am". He's a guy who once had a WW2 tank in his front garden and loved the attention he got from it (he had no interest in the war nor tanks - he just bought it to get noticed!). I'm the opposite. Since our teen years, we've barely been in eachother's lives at all. We're perfectly civil, never argue, etc., but we can happily go a year or two without any contact other than Christmas cards! It used to drive our mother insane and she constantly tried to get us together, but I just can't do with his persona - I can't do with his lies of trying to be something he isn't and just wish he'd just be himself!

It's one of the things I like most about running my own business. I can pick and choose my clients. If someone sounds "hard work" on the phone, then they don't even get a first meeting. If at a first meeting, I get bad vibes, then I politely explain that my skillset isn't a good match for their needs. I don't want negativity, paranoia nor self-obsessiveness in my life - life's hard enough without having to deal with difficult people.

Having personal boundaries is one thing.
Talking about them in detail is another

I ended several 'friendships' over an inability of those people to take the sexual abuse of someone close to me seriously. I would never have described it in the terms of the OP though. It was just something obvious I had to do.

I think you're doing great!

Many people missed your point. Having self-respect and being aware of your feelings helps you become a better friend/partner/relative who understands where others are coming from. It is give and take but when others just take how are you supposed to replenish your emotional reserves?

I have been called cold-hearted by people who don't understand because they think I put walls up. I don't have walls, I just expect people to work with me on having an equal relationship. It's not about dropping people, it's about not letting people who are constantly draining you or refuse to acknowledge your feelings run you to the ground.

I've been observing DDs friends and peers for years, (helped in primary school, they're now 15).

Some seem to absolulety love drama, they bond partly through being mean about other girls. The 'exclusive' nature of the group keeps them together but every so often there's an explosive incident and it all goes horribly wrong.
Some kids on the edge, desperate to be liked, will put up with any shit to stay connected to the main cluster. The explosions give them a chance to move closer.
DD and a couple of others observe from a distance. A strong hobby and a mixed age and gender group has kept the drama low.

At age 9/10/11 I thought they all just needed to grow up, now I think they'll all take these patterns into aduthood.

Really sad the amount of catty remarks on mumsnet, I used to find mumsnet a real source of comfort but find that anyone asking for advice/opinions gets shot down and made to feel rubbish. If you don't agree with the op's sentiments, how about expressing without b**chy undertones?

I do understand what you're saying OP. I relate to it, there have been a couple of really hurtful things said to me in person by women I thought were friends-one being my sister. I haven't "dropped" the friendship but keep a wary distance.

Relationships /friendships are supposed to be worked on, even the most happiest /kindest /positive people will at some point let you down. It's about working on that and sometimes forgiving. If as you say the person cannot see how they've hurt you, it's definitely OK to move away.

quintadi I find that very odd. Why would you find that an offputting quality? I’d find it quite admirable

I think the OP is totally right, especially with the examples she describes.

Most people are lucky enough never to have needed to go No Contact with anyone in their lives, and have trouble understanding it for that reason. It sounds like the OP's friend is one of those.

Some people may also be lucky enough never to have to think in terms of "healthy boundaries" and work out what those are in their close relationships. These lucky people usually come from families with healthy relationships. They may similarly struggle to understand the situation of those less fortunate than themselves.

I'm totally with you op. I dropped all unhealthy 'friendships' a few years back and I'm so much happier in my drama free life.
You're doing great xx

Thanks to those posters who get what I’m saying. I guess it was more about the nature of putting up with negative relationships for social ease than my own personal situation that I was trying to get my head around. The person I was talking to made it seem like it was in someways a character weakness to make a conscious choice to remove a negative influence from your life which I just found baffling to be honest. It made me sad that for the sake of social harmony some people just suffer in silence for years.

One poster has raised the point about mental hygiene. For anyone who doesn’t know its about keeping yourself mentally healthy by taking conscious steps to keep a balance in your life, so things like sleeping patterns, exercise, postive influences. It runs along the same lines as physical health but focuses on mental wellbeing. Its an appraoch that looks at preventative care for mental health. I’m trying to implement it in my own life to deal with issues.

Stirling I’ve just ignored the catty remarks to be honest as they don’t offer anything and are just designed to pull you down

I answered another thread earlier about a male colleague , where it feels sometimes mes that personal emotional boundaries could cross easily if not kept in check. Some time ago, I told colleague that I felt that boundaries were being crossed and I felt uncomfortable about that as we are both in committed relationships. I suggested minimal contact and professional communication but of course to be pleasant and enjoy office banter as a group. This resulted in him being upset and ‘ ‘feeling like a break up’ and essentially increasing contact outside of hours. So recently I told him that I was taking a little time away from my phone and basically spend a bit more time looking after myself . Again, contact increased and suggesting days out/ nights out etc so I am in a shit position . I totally understand the idea of people not liking when you create healthy boundaries for you. It’s not comfortable

I do think the drama is so ingrained into some people's social upbringing and experiences that they consider it 'odd' to try and wash it away.

My ex was a 'doormat.' Actually she's a lovely, compassionate, empathic woman who unwittingly attracted 'friends' who liked a very one-way relationship. She had to make the same kind of decisions as you, OP, for her sanity. Luckily she had enough genuine friends left after that.

It's not about dropping people, it's about not letting people who are constantly draining you or refuse to acknowledge your feelings run you to the ground.

Have to agree. It takes me a loooong time to form friendships and relationships. I don't jump in and then try to extract myself, I wait and see before I commit too deeply in the first place, then it's so much easier to simply not get involved, rather than get involved and have to withdraw. I do the "slow burn" approach - dip my toe in first and then only immerse myself if it feels right.

@Giraffesinscarves I do get what you are saying.

Of course set boundaries for yourself. Nothing wrong with that.

I would also say that setting boundaries also means being very selective with whom you share personal details with.

I agree with having strong boundaries. I do not tolerate the anyone who crosses them.
Call it arrogance if you like. I don't give a shit. My emotional health means everything and my self worth is more important.
I have friends who I have known for over thirty years. I also have family members I am NC with. I also have a good circle of acquaintances through various activities. I also have relationships that come and go. I've walked away from jobs and volunteering roles.
The bottom line is are you happy with who you are. If you can answer yes without thinking about it then you're ok.
And I know some of you will say how can you call yourself no-ego but believe me this is as far removed from the ego as you can get.
It is only the ego that wants to compromise, people please, create emotional imbalance and has a need to be recognised.

I’m with you OP, and I think the heat you’re getting on this thread kinda proves your point! People don’t like the idea of boundaries or god forbid someone expressing what their boundaries are and how they enforce them. I’m the same as you, I’m a very giving generous friend and will do anything for my loved ones but if someone crosses my boundaries more than once I am happy to walk away. I’ve cut several people out of my life who’ve been toxic and bad for me including a sibling and never had a single regret about any of them. To get to that point I’ve usually tried my best for a while to make it work. I am worth respect and deserve it too.