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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and I seperating...he’s not sure if he loves me

33 replies

Crystal049 · 11/02/2019 20:49

First time poster and really need some loving advice at this soul destroying time.

I’ve been married for 6 years and with my husband for 18 years with 2 DC a DS 3 and DD 19 months, in September last year I felt my husband was being a bit distant and I spoke to him about it and said we should go out more and have fun after having two small kids recently all focus has been on them, he kind of said he wasn’t sure of his feelings for me or that he loved me but platonically as a family member and not a wife. I couldn’t believe it, total shock. He kept saying he was confused though and wasn’t sure to trust his own feelings that he didn’t feel himself! He’s had some therapy which hasn’t made any difference but won’t go to Docs I feel it could be depression but I’m not sure. Fast forward to now 5 months later and it’s been a real rollercoaster of ups and downs... with nothing really changing. I’ve put in effort and got nothing back, he says he can’t be intimate, he can’t ‘force’ his feelings and I wouldn’t want him too either. He doesn’t feel like sex, we haven’t had any for 3 months! I’m a crying wreck everyday! We have decided to separate and he’s going to move out, he’s upset too as he doesn’t want it at all but can’t help how he feels. We’re both hoping something changes when he moves out and his feelings come back but I’m not holding out too much hope! Help, what shall I do to save this. I love him so much!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2019 20:53

There's another women, I guarantee it.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2019 20:53

*woman

Original poster
Crystal049 · 11/02/2019 20:58

What makes you say that?

OP posts:
Highfever · 11/02/2019 21:00

Definitely cherchez la femme.

Original poster
Crystal049 · 11/02/2019 21:06

But why though?

OP posts:
Cantbeattheeightiesmusic · 11/02/2019 21:13

Because a man does not generally leave his partner, children and his family life unless he has someone else waiting in the wings, sorry.

TearingUpMyHeart · 11/02/2019 21:16

Really sorry xx I agree as well. Probably been having an affair for a while. Worth looking for proof - it might explain things

BifsWif · 11/02/2019 21:19

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I know it isn’t what you want to hear, but I agree there is likely to be another woman in the background.

Men very rarely leave a marriage and their home unless there’s someone waiting in the wings. You will be ok in time, I promise. For now, try and look for proof and get all of your documents in order. Do you have joint bank accounts? Do you have any support from friends or family?

You’ll find a lot of support here if not Flowers

lunabody · 11/02/2019 21:21

Bullshit - men are capable of leaving their partners without there being someone else involved.

OP - give him some time and space, but ask him to really work out what's going on - is it definitely the relationship, or is it some other crisis of identity because of having small kids and feeling like he's lost part of himself? Reiterate how much you love and value him, and that you really want things to work, but... don't hold out forever, he can't leave you dangling. I wouldn't want to advise a specific time limit, but a few months at most before you need to make a call one way or the other. Thinking of you, hope you get through this thought shitty time ok and look after yourself whatever happens x

Neverexpected2 · 11/02/2019 21:21

Unfortunately I agree there's another woman. I got the same script after 21 years together. Strung me along a fair few months before finally going and the ow materislising Angry

Original poster
Crystal049 · 11/02/2019 21:21

Got no evidence of another woman, have asked outright and been told no (obvs) have followed him to gym and he was there each time.

OP posts:
PixieDust92 · 11/02/2019 21:21

I don't think it means there is someone else Hmm people's feelings can change and he could have depression making his mind set different. Maybe offer going to the doctors with him if he wants you to of course. It's heart breaking knowing someone doesn't feel the same way and I'm sorry you're going through this. Hoping everything works out for you and your family Thanks

Feelingfullandreadytoclean · 11/02/2019 21:22

I often roll my eyes when people shout affair straight away but I does seem to shout that. It would explain all of it easily.
However it may not be and that leaves, depression, health issue or plainly that he doesn't want family life anymore.
Which seems more likely to you?

Right now all you can focus on is getting through each hour. Then each day. Keep your communication with him open and honest. Hopefully he will open up to and you can get to the crux of it.

Be strong.

Original poster
Crystal049 · 11/02/2019 21:23

Lunabody, yeah I agreee with you. Don’t get me wrong I’m not stupid and I’m a strong financially independent woman that can survive in fact thrive on my own I’m sure of that, it’s not him to be involved with someone else. I could be wrong but my gut tells me it’s some kind of midlife crisis thing triggered from stress of young kids. All I can do is hope. Sorry to all those suffering, I feel your pain x

OP posts:
WH1SPERS · 11/02/2019 21:25

Ill tell you how to find out if there’s OW. Suggest to him that he has the children to stay with him every weekend rather than EOW and one night a week and see how he reacts .

Original poster
Crystal049 · 11/02/2019 21:26

I think he finds family life manotomous and boring, routine etc think he hates that x

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystal049 · 11/02/2019 21:26

He’s happy to have the kids every weekend and anytime I need him to

OP posts:
Cantbeattheeightiesmusic · 11/02/2019 21:42

My ex said this too, that he'd be happy to have our dc's every weekend and in the week, but it was all talk.
As soon as he was gone the OW suddenly made an appearance and he only saw our children when it suited him.

I know none of us know you or your H, and there may well be no one else, but I think you'd do better to presume there is and ensure you gather all your paperwork etc together.

Original poster
Crystal049 · 11/02/2019 21:43

What paperwork?

OP posts:
Jb291 · 11/02/2019 21:46

Paperwork relating to joint financials and anything else like property / mortgage / pension stuff and payslips / proof of earnings. The more information you can gather the easier it will be to obtain an equitable divorce settlement and provide CMS with proof of his earnings for a child maintenance claim

Cantbeattheeightiesmusic · 11/02/2019 21:49

I mean all your financial documents (you may need evidence of his earnings if he's self employed for instance, for child maintenance), and keep your children's passports. In short, get organized.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/02/2019 21:53

Men don’t tend to want to leave their wife and kids without the prospect of another woman. I’m very sorry OP he may not be having an intimate affair but some woman is in his eyesight showing him the “fun side” of being single, someone from work?

Original poster
Crystal049 · 11/02/2019 21:54

Luckily I’m the organised one in this relationship I have everything I need

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystal049 · 11/02/2019 21:56

He’s a builder, no women at his work. I’m not saying there is no OW I just don’t have proof

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystal049 · 11/02/2019 21:57

Also I don’t think he wants to leave, I’m kinda making him as he said he’s not sure about his feelings for me so I said well go then... he wants to stay here

OP posts: