Husband and I seperating...he’s not sure if he loves me

[Crystal049]

First time poster and really need some loving advice at this soul destroying time.

I’ve been married for 6 years and with my husband for 18 years with 2 DC a DS 3 and DD 19 months, in September last year I felt my husband was being a bit distant and I spoke to him about it and said we should go out more and have fun after having two small kids recently all focus has been on them, he kind of said he wasn’t sure of his feelings for me or that he loved me but platonically as a family member and not a wife. I couldn’t believe it, total shock. He kept saying he was confused though and wasn’t sure to trust his own feelings that he didn’t feel himself! He’s had some therapy which hasn’t made any difference but won’t go to Docs I feel it could be depression but I’m not sure. Fast forward to now 5 months later and it’s been a real rollercoaster of ups and downs... with nothing really changing. I’ve put in effort and got nothing back, he says he can’t be intimate, he can’t ‘force’ his feelings and I wouldn’t want him too either. He doesn’t feel like sex, we haven’t had any for 3 months! I’m a crying wreck everyday! We have decided to separate and he’s going to move out, he’s upset too as he doesn’t want it at all but can’t help how he feels. We’re both hoping something changes when he moves out and his feelings come back but I’m not holding out too much hope! Help, what shall I do to save this. I love him so much!

The OW theory is based on it being one of the most likely reason for a man to leave a relationship. But it is not the only reason. This board has a particular bias towards it, but rl, I know of others.

However it takes a lot for a man to walk away from his family. If it is down to a lack of feelings that probably is quite definitive. I am a bit wary of MH issues being suggested in the expectation of it being a phase and once recovered he will go back to the way he was. Even if this is the case, treatment and recovery from MH illness often involves major changes to life and lifestyle. Plus, IME depression is a fairly life limiting illness so it is pretty obvious to spot and you would probably be thinking separation is a relief.

Best advice is let him go and find your own happiness

Oh for gods sake no it doesn't scream affair, jesus christ. Fab attempt at making OP feel worse

It sounds like he's just too used to the same thing and can't remember why he got into it? I had the same with my ex, he wasn't sure if he loved me or was 'in love' with with me, he'd lost sight of 'us'. You're doing the right thing, get him out and let him see life without you to confirm his feelings either way. He'll probably come back to you OP after the shock, mine did and we lasted years after that(before I chucked him for being a lifeless sack of shit). Got a bit of a spark back and he had a refreshed appreciation of me.

Chuck him in the deep end and hell soon know if he wants to come back! But staying as he is isn't possible or fair, can't have his cake and eat it. Unless you're happy with a roommate not husband

Making him leave is a good move, I would get that sorted asap. If there is someone else it will eventually come out anyway, if not its not fair for you to have to sit and wait while he decides. Make the decision for him and get him gone. Also remember he signed up to have kids, so what did he expect? Wild nights out and money to burn? I think you are being too soft on him and you need to look after yourself, not him. He has made his decision so he needs to feel the consequence of losing you. Funny you never miss things until they are gone.....

I think a hell of a lot of long term relationships end because of similar things. I was with my ex for years and years but the 'love' just slowly turned into platonic and friendship sort of love. It was awful and we split up once, then again when I realised nothing had changed but we tried again owing to ourselves to try again. I don't necessarily think your H is cheating, or even looking at anyone else, he obviously can't help feeling like he's drifted away in terms of feelings and could be depressed but if therapy hasn't made a difference then don't know what to suggest. It could be that you split and the feeling comes back to him.

Lemon TT has it: let go and find your own happiness.

Are you on tinder yet?

I reckon he'll decide he wants you when you're attracted to someone else/dating/shagging, but he'll just accept it and then meet someone else and be perfectly happy.

I mean, I’m definitely letting go. I have to see if he comes back begging and if he does I’ll make him work don’t you worry about that. I’m just absolutely gutted because he’s all I’ve known and I love him and have beautiful children with him x

Hi OP. It's awful when this happens. My H left me last year owing to problems in our marriage - don't want to hijack your thread so let's just say there were faults on both sides but mine were "worse" than his (drinking too excess and slapped him twice).
He couldn't leave quick enough once the decision to separate was made which I now know was because he had OW lined up.
That didn't work and we tried again.....but now I am the one saying it's over. Guess what - he doesn't want to leave (No one else lined up) and we are currently living together as friends.
So although an OW is usually the prompt yo leave, it .may not be in your case if he wants to stay. In any case , i can tell you that it gets better with time and l am.now loving doing my own thing, making my Ian decisions etc. - whereas I was almost suicidal at the initial split. Would also say it's best to put some space between you- it might be a wake up call for you both.

My own decisions! Not Lan.