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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did I over react??

41 replies

Strangecreatures · 11/02/2019 20:04

Just a question from another thread I have up. I thought I'd post it to get some answers on this one particular thing..

I'm having some troubles in my relationship atm, this morning bf (?) was on his phone and I just happened to glance over (not snooping!) And saw he had a picture of a naked woman on his phone, as his screen saver. I wasn't happy about it and said he should remove it as it's disrespectful to me and fair enough if he likes the picture he could have saved it in a personal album but not as a screen saver where he sees it as many times as he checks the time of day?
He did change the picture when I asked but made it clear he wasn't happy I'd made it do it and said I was overreacting (in a way)
Was I?? I'm not usually so highly strung but we're in a rough patch and on the verge of breaking up so I'm mega sensitive right now. I still think I wouldnt have been happy with it either but I could have handled it better I think. Now I've embarassed myself.

Would you have thought that was disrespectful?

OP posts:
Itsallpeachyfornow · 11/02/2019 20:12

He sounds like an ass and you deserve better.

Me and my partner are in a good place and this still would not be acceptable AT ALL

How can you think you are in the wrong.. bless your heart. Don't ever let someone treat you this way.. so disrespectful

user1479305498 · 11/02/2019 20:15

Of course it’s not ok OP, no wonder you have issues, he is an arse

CoffeeRunner · 11/02/2019 20:18

Who was the woman?

A porn actress? An ex GF? A random naked woman?

I wouldn’t be comfortable with it either OP - but less so if it was an ex of his!

Original poster
Strangecreatures · 11/02/2019 20:22

Thank you!
I thought so too.. he did say later he can see where I'm coming from with it so he's not some bastard (sorry I should have added that to my op) but he went in to say he wasn't happy that I "censored" him over it and that I'd made a big deal out if it.
For clarity for anyone else reading(and sorry to pp for not adding this: his reasoning was is he thinks it's an arty picture.. it was basically an "orgasmic" naked picture of a woman lying on a bed from the waist up. It had some psychedelic pattern on the background so he said it was arty and used the argument that I have pictures of naked woman on my walls (I have a John William warehouse oil painting in my bathroom, it's pre-raphaelite had certainly not pornographic or "orgasmic" Confused) I tried to explain it was different and the fact that I'm a straight female and he's a straight male obviously makes a difference in how we'd view a woman's body, that and the natures of then painting-picture are so differentHmm

OP posts:
Weatherwax · 11/02/2019 20:24

No, entirely disrespectful to you. He needs to change it immediately and come up with some grand gesture that lets you know how much he appreciates you. Minimum!

Original poster
Strangecreatures · 11/02/2019 20:25

waterhouse

OP posts:
rumred · 11/02/2019 20:27

Is he a teenager?? Just bleurghh

Original poster
Strangecreatures · 11/02/2019 20:37

Ah well I'm glad it's not just me that thinks its not right! I knew it wasnt in my heart and said so immediately. He did change it.. to the back end of a horse, think he did that to be cheeky and a sort of "fuck you" to me but i was just happy he didn't have it Blush
Like I said I would have been alright if it was saved on his phone somewhere but not as a screen saver!
Then he tried to say it had been on there since new year but I'm 99% sure that's a lie because before that it was a pic of him and his friend. I would have noticed it!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/02/2019 20:42

He's a bit of a dick, isn't he

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2019 20:56

Only a man who's an utter twat would have a pic of a naked woman as his screensaver. FFS, raise the bar and dump this loser.

Itsallpeachyfornow · 11/02/2019 20:56

If that was my fella id be inclined to see what else he was hiding.. your not me though and stooping to this isn't really healthy.

Itsallpeachyfornow · 11/02/2019 20:58

Find yourself a man who wants you both as his screensaver.. not a piece of porn.. sorry art or a horses ass

Crowdo · 11/02/2019 21:07

Hm having read your description of it, it wouldn't bother me.

Itsallpeachyfornow · 11/02/2019 21:20

To be fair having read the last post on thos thread I still had it in my head it was worse than it actually is.. could be something you shouldn't really be worrying yourself about hun and I'm just been very critical.
Without knowing how your relationship is it's hard to tell

MumsyJ · 11/02/2019 21:22

So out of order!

Original poster
Strangecreatures · 12/02/2019 00:24

The picture it's self didn't really bother me, it wasn't like a glamour shot or anything and I can see where he's coming from in finding arty, but still it was almost like a soft porn shot.. it's mostly the fact that has newly been set as his screen saver, just as were in the middle of breaking up (after tonight's convo, I think that's going to be the final solution Sad) it sounds crazy but I wanted him to be thinking me and he's looking at that on his phone constantly.. I'm not usually a jealous type or anything. It just hit a nerve this morning because I was feeling so low at the time.
I still stand by my thoughts on it being disrespectful too, I doubt I would ever be ok with it (sorry I'm not that cool) but I feel like if I was my normal self and feeling secure it wouldn't have upset me and I could have handled it in a better, none demanding away.
I said (snapped at him) "get that off your phone" Blush I apologised to him about saying it like that later but still stood my ground and explained I didn't think he should have had it on there, to which he agreed to I've got to give him that but he still said he didn't like that I'd "censored" him over it Confused wtf. Well no sorry mate, have some respect. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Strangecreatures · 12/02/2019 00:28

Nah it was more like "get THAT off your phone!" 😳

Mortifying.

OP posts:
toddman70 · 12/02/2019 01:34

From your title and your last post, yes you over reacted. You have the right to feel disrespected by that image being on his phone, but the over reaction was the tone in which you expressed yourself. His reaction may have been a little different if your initial tone was not so demanding in the first place.

rumred · 12/02/2019 07:03

Accepting someone you're with watches porn or pervs over others isn't cool, more like doormat/accepting gender inequality.
And I'd think they were a bit too stupid for me, it's such a pathetic thing to do. Stupid isn't attractive 🙄

SandyY2K · 12/02/2019 07:30

Tbh considering you're on the verge of breaking up, I wouldn't have bothered saying anything.

Original poster
Strangecreatures · 12/02/2019 07:55

toddman I agree I shouldn't have said it like that, I don't know what came over me and I did apologise to him for reacting like that.
Sandy at that point I thought we were still giving it a go. Hence me feeling like I was being disrespected, within the relationship.

OP posts:
2019willbegreat · 12/02/2019 08:04

I posted on your other thread. I think it's grim but to be fair, it's not illegal and he has every right to have whatever he wants as a screen shot. But you have the right to not like it and feel disrespected. I would find it a total turn off and could not feel attracted to someone who felt the need to do that. I once fell.out with a friends DH as he came to our house with a t shirt on with an image of a woman topless in suspenders, bent over , and my DD was about 13 at the time. It really put me off him.

Original poster
Strangecreatures · 12/02/2019 09:19

Yeah I know. I'm feeling a bit more clear headed today. I have come to conclusion that the issue is more that we aren't suited. If he wants to have something like that on his phone then fair enough, thats his choice and I do feel bad for what I said and for making him remove it, I'm really not normally a controlling type, it was really out of character for me to do that in the way that I did. It just upset me at the time as emotions were high, I was ill and had been crying all morning. But either way I didn't like it and its not something I'd ever be 100% cool with. Therefore we aren't suited (this isn't the only reason for anyone who has only read this post btw) i have my standards and he has his and his own expectations on what he needs his partner to be ok with and well, that isn't me, and that's ok.

OP posts:
LaughingCow99 · 12/02/2019 10:58

I don't think it's fair you demand anything, but you seem incompatible. He is who he is, and if you don't like it maybe you should split instead of expecting him to respect you. I wouldn't like it, but I'd never demand a partner change. He sounds resentful already with the pic he replaced it with, a clear dig at you

Original poster
Strangecreatures · 12/02/2019 11:24

Yeah I got that laughing if you read my last post.
Thanks though.

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