Did I over react??

[Strangecreatures]

Just a question from another thread I have up. I thought I'd post it to get some answers on this one particular thing..

I'm having some troubles in my relationship atm, this morning bf (?) was on his phone and I just happened to glance over (not snooping!) And saw he had a picture of a naked woman on his phone, as his screen saver. I wasn't happy about it and said he should remove it as it's disrespectful to me and fair enough if he likes the picture he could have saved it in a personal album but not as a screen saver where he sees it as many times as he checks the time of day?
He did change the picture when I asked but made it clear he wasn't happy I'd made it do it and said I was overreacting (in a way)
Was I?? I'm not usually so highly strung but we're in a rough patch and on the verge of breaking up so I'm mega sensitive right now. I still think I wouldnt have been happy with it either but I could have handled it better I think. Now I've embarassed myself.

Would you have thought that was disrespectful?

I wouldn't be happy with my OH having a picture of a naked woman on his phone.
He wouldn't be happy with me having a picture of a naked man on my phone.

Fortunately, neither of is want to have naked people on our phones 😂

But this all comes down to respect. It's a bit disrespectful.

Im interested to know... Would he find it difficult if you had a picture of a half naked man on your screensaver? 🤔

plink i asked him that! He said he wouldn't mind because he'd think it was daft or funny and say, if it was a picture of the statue of David for example he would see that I was appreciating art (this is still in reference to him saying it was a piece of art and not meant to be viewed at in a sexual way (it soooo was though haha )) the woman was on her back, arms stretched, boobs out, mid orgasm. I can sort of see where he's coming from but the top and bottom of it is is that I didn't like it. And that's fine. I don't have to be cool with something or keep quiet about something I don't like, and he doesn't have to change his ways to appease him gf either. We're simply not suited and I can see that now.

his

think your overacting.

if its not an ex gf then whats the big deal? its his phone.
the real issue you have s with something inside you? im not sure what but you need to figure it out for a healthy relationship.

You know.. I did say to him (and I feel like it's true) that if I was feeling more secure within the relationship, about his intentions/feelings towards me I really don't think I would have reacted they way that I did. The whole relationship was making me feel really insecure and I had been for a week or two prior to this event.
I still wouldnt have liked it, it's the fact that he had it as his screen saver that bothered me so much, like why not a picture of me if he wants to look at an attractive woman? () if it was just on his phone (like in with his normal albums) I wouldn't have been annoyed, I would have most likely just done and internal eyeroll and forgotten about it. I can't get past the feeling that it's disrespectful. I just can't.

Anyway, I didn't hear from him yesterday. I'm waiting to hear back from him about his thoughts on us but I already told him I don't think it's going to work (that was after asking him to try and make it work when he left on Monday so the poor bugger is probably confused! As I was, god I was in a state on Monday ), I'm not sure what more there is to be said but he said he needs a few days to think it over (I wish he would just get back to me so we can call it off and draw a line under it all, I think we're just delaying the inevitable. But I need to respect his need to have a few days to think about his own feelings but I'm guessing he'll come back and say the same. There's so much more to this than a picture btw.)

I'd set my own hot man screensaver.

Nope, that's not art. It is, as you say, soft porn. And not a very appropriate thing to have as a screensaver. How old is he?

Sounds like he needs to grow up a lot. You might be best taking a break from each other, OP. I wouldn't wait around to hear what he thinks about it. I think you were quite perceptive when you spoke about you both having different ideas and not being suited. I think if you stayed together you'd feel as if you had to compromise on other attitudes and behavior which you wouldn't necessarily be comfortable doing. ( I'm basing that on your apologetic comments about being too controlling, etc. I certainly don't think it's too controlling asking him to get soft porn off his screensaver!)

Thank You for those comments..
Haha I did ask him how he would feel if I had the same though (although I cant imagine a man in the same pose with the same facial expression being as erotic but whatever.. ) and he said he wouldn't care. But again, it's just not something I would do, out of respect for him.

alondon he's almost 38 so not young or inexperienced, he did say on reflection he can see he shouldn't have had it on there.. But then back tracked and said he didn't appreciate me censoring him over it. But that may be down to how I delt with it at the time which as I've said, was demanding really out of character.. I can't stress enough how emotional and vulnerable I was feeling that morning though and when I saw the picture my blood boiled and I had all sorts going through my head, i acted on impulse. The first words out of my mouth when I saw it were "well thats an interesting picture" but then emotion got the better of me and it went down hill from there.. i should have just stayed calm and later mentioned to him that i felt direspected by it and asked if he thought it was appropriate for him to have that when he's seeing someone? Then let him make his own mind up. He would have either removed it him self or decided to keep it up at the detriment of our relationship then I could have took action from there. I really shouldn't have demanded it and I'm replaying it over and over in my head (hence me rambling on here..)

Its an odd thing but he keeps telling me to be more open then when I am he doesn't like it. What am I supposed to do? keep quiet about stuff that's he's doing that's upsetting me and suffer in silence? I feel like I can't win.

Anyway.. I have come to the conclusion that we're not suited.. we havent been together long and I just want to cut my losses and not cause anymore upset on either side. I'm really hating all the waiting around for his spin on things when I've gave him my final answer. I just want to hear his so we can put it all to do bed and move on.

You really don't need to hear from him. A 38 (!) year old with this attitude is bad news. Just get away.

I just wanted some closure on it tbh.
It's done now. All sorted. We didn't go into the ins and outs of why we just agreed it wasn't working, said sorry, take care etc. It's all good and i'm feeling fine about it.

He's not a bad guy really, we just weren't suited. It appears there's some women out there that think the picture thing would be ok as there's a few on this thread who said so. But I'm not one of them. Different standards for different people and that's cool. I just need to come across someone who matches mine but right now I'm gonna concentrate on me and dd. I have a good life and everything's gonna be fine

Is he 13?! That's just a bit sad really, needing to see tits every time he looks at his phone screen. I would not be ok with my dh having some random naked woman as his screensaver as I'd wonder who the hell he was.

Oh and good for you OP, good decision and great self reflection.

That sounds like an ideal resolution op - well done

Thank you

I really didnt realise how therapeutic it would be to post it all one here! Its been really helpful to not only write it all down (and read it back over, as i have done, many, many times 🙄🤣) but to get points of view and support from others. It's really helped.
Thanks everyone

Hi OP,

I don't think you over reacted. I would be mortified if my non-teenage boyfriend had a photo like that as his screensaver - anyone could see it!

Wow nearly 40 and he goes about with a topless woman as his screen saver, one, I'd think massive knob and two, how disrespectful to any partner to have to see that, my god, I can't believe folk are saying you are over reacting, I'd have binned him the minute I saw that lol.