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Original poster

Can I do anything about this sex issue?

45 replies

Sharkirasharkira · 11/02/2019 10:16

Newish bf, absolutely lovely. Respectful, kind, generous, loads in common. Genuinely a brilliant guy.

But....

I seem to have a much higher sex drive than him and it's making me quite frustrated. I would prefer sex multiple times a day and I realise that this may be too much for a lot of people but I'm struggling with the lack of interest and intimacy probably more so than the actual sex. When we do have sex sometimes he will lose his erection or can't 'finish'. There could be a few reasons (by his own admission) for this: lack of fitness, medication, tiredness, work stress etc.

I'm quite insecure at the best of times and having my partner show little interest in being physical with me, whether by just touching, kissing, etc is painful and I can't help but feel like it's a reflection on me. I worry he doesn't like me as a sexual partner or isn't attracted to me. I realise this could be all in my head but I don't want to hurt his feelings by bringing it up! He will cuddle me and hold hands but isn't naturally tactile and I am. Is this too big an issue to overcome? Or am I just being an idiot?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 11/02/2019 10:42

It could be too much of a issue, I know for me it would be. I am like you and have had several partners who are not that great in the bedroom due to erectile dysfunction and lack of labedo, it made me feel really frustrated and like I wasn’t good enough (even though it was their issue). Now I’m getting older I find it really tricky to find a man that’s got what it takes in the bedroom department.

It maybe something you can work on, he could consider viagra but I think it’s possible that your just not suited in the bedroom department.

StepLadders007 · 11/02/2019 10:45

How old are you guys?

Original poster
Sharkirasharkira · 11/02/2019 12:19

We're both mid 30's. I've always had a high sex drive but recently I feel like I've gone into overdrive and hit my sexual peak. I love the feelings that sex gives me, not just the physical ones (orgasm etc) but also the feelings of closeness to my partner, the feeling of being wanted and desired as a sexual being which I just adore and can't get at all from a sex toy Sad

I feel so awful saying this because he is SO good in all other ways and when we do have sex it is fantastic but I just wish he wanted me more. Feel so ridiculous saying it but the rejection I'm feeling right now is so acute I'm close to tears. Maybe I should just accept that I can't have it all.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 11/02/2019 12:41

I am the same age, woman often reach their peak around mid thirty’s whilst men tend to go the other way (that’s what I have found anyway).

MumsyJ · 11/02/2019 12:58

Hey OP, have you discussee this with him to find out what exactly the problem is?

Yes, same age as you as well and can relate with you in terms of the high sex drive and it would kill me if my DP wasn't either same or more (.... I know 🙂).

I suggest you speak to him about it, given how much of a nice person he is in other areas. I'm sure he'll be up for alternative solutions 🙂.

StormTreader · 11/02/2019 13:02

Wow I could have written this post, in fact I've been thinking about posting it for the last week.
I thought we'd made progress last week when I stepped massively out of my comfort zone and just laid everything out with how it made me feel and that we could end things if he wasnt feeling it, but last night was right back to me feeling like a sex pest.
I really get it sharkira, its horrible :(

MeetMeInMontauk · 11/02/2019 13:06

Sorry, I couldn't get past a few times per day. Do you honestly expect someone to sustain this level of enthusiasm for sex over a protracted period, OP? More importantly, it sounds like a UTI waiting to happen, from over here.

Out of interest, what is his 'reduced' level of activity, because I have a feeling that it's probably most other people's completely standard 2-3 times a week.

StarlightLady · 11/02/2019 13:27

The OP has stated that this goes beyond lack of sex, it is lack of intimacy. What he can deliver on the bed may be limited but not the overall intimacy. Sadly many men do not see beyond penetration.

It really is time to sit down and discuss those other intimate aspects. Explain your needs.

greendale17 · 11/02/2019 13:34

Sorry, I couldn't get past a few times per day. Do you honestly expect someone to sustain this level of enthusiasm for sex over a protracted period, OP?

^This.

toddman70 · 11/02/2019 13:44

Going back to your original post, you get your "love by touch" or you could say affection through touch and closeness, and you also say that is not a natural thing for him. Can you overcome this, yes, but it will be a constant longing, I would recommend the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. So of the material you may not agree with, but you may find that he is truly trying to express love to you, but it's being do in a way that your not recognizing it. Not saying it's your fault, just a communication issue. Have a kind heartened talk, and let him know what your missing.

Original poster
Sharkirasharkira · 11/02/2019 14:15

Sorry, I couldn't get past a few times per day. Do you honestly expect someone to sustain this level of enthusiasm for sex over a protracted period, OP?

Well....yes?! At least, my exdp and I did. Not that I want to compare current bf to him because he was an absolute arsehole in a lot of other ways but we maintained that level of 'activity' all through our 5yr relationship. Never had a UTI either. I realise that current dp is a completely different person though, and that's fine!

Well, it's not that I expect it, per se, I understand that everyone's drive is different and so maybe 2/3 times a day is too much for him. He isn't a performing monkey and I don't want to put pressure on him. I don't want reluctant 'duty sex' either. He rarely initiates which does make me feel a bit like a sex pest. It is probably 2/3 times a week.

I DO want him to desire me and to show an interest in my naked body even if he doesn't actually want to fuck me right then and there. The little things add up and make all the difference to me. I love to be touched and lusted over, it makes me feel loved and wanted. It's supposed to be something he enjoys too and I wonder why it isn't but then human libido is complicated.

OP posts:
Hamish83 · 12/02/2019 08:08

Are you going to resent him in the years to come over this? You need to talk to him about this to see if this is something you can both overcome. He obviously cares for you otherwise he would not be with you. This is a big issue and is a shame as you mentioned he is nice in all other ways but your ex is not.

imanoldbattleaxe · 12/02/2019 08:17

Lots of men suffer from this after wanking lots and not having a partner. It's the strangle hold effect. They get used to having their penis gripped so tightly by their hand that when it comes to PIV they struggle to maintain their erection.

If you're having problems now I'd not hang around tbh.

TearingUpMyHeart · 12/02/2019 08:22

Sadly I would say this is not resolvable and I would leave. If you read reddit dead bedrooms, you will see what this looks like after 10 years. It's hard to find someone compatible but it sounds like sex/intimacy is an important priority for you.

Inforthelonghaul · 12/02/2019 08:25

There’s nothing more off putting than feeling pressured to have sex for both men and women. It makes you reluctant to be even affectionate in a physical sense as there is always unspoken expectation of more.

Notmyrealname855 · 12/02/2019 08:26

Several times a day seems a lot perhaps, but they are a “newish” couple and when you fall for someone it often happens that way!

Bluntness100 · 12/02/2019 08:35

Eh, do you not have jobs?

Singlenotsingle · 12/02/2019 08:41

Yeah, where do you find the time for all this? You obviously haven't got kids!

harriethoyle · 12/02/2019 08:42

Lololol @bluntness Grin

MondeoFan · 12/02/2019 08:48

I'd say 2-3 times per day is too much. Even every day would be a massive thing for some people. I know it's a new relationship. He might be worried go cuddle and kiss you etc incase it always leads to something else.
I think it's just you are not that compatible sexually. I'd chat to him and if it doesn't change then move on.

PotteryGirl · 12/02/2019 09:58

I once read a post about 'performance anxiety'.. the man can't meet the woman's expectations and therefore can't perform at all for fear of disappointment..if you think about it that makes sense. Why not try working on being confident in the relationship without being needy and demanding, it's quite empowering and to feel like your whole sense of well-being revolves around physical intimacy is only going to lead to problems. I think you might have scared him.

Sadiesnakes · 12/02/2019 10:15

It is probably 2/3 times a week. This is completely normal for the average couple op. 2/3 times a day is excessive and not sustainable for most people.
You also come across as very needy, if you genuinely like him you should dial that back abit.
Yabu expecting this level of sex from him or anyone because your exdp was up for it.
If you were a bloke on here complaining his gf of a few weeks didn't want sex 3 times a day you'd be quickly called a sex pest. Just sayin.

Quartz2208 · 12/02/2019 10:17

Agree with sadiesnakes

AstralTraveller · 12/02/2019 10:21

Is this a stealth boast Grin Grin

I can't see how you can expect a normal mortal to service you multiple times a day every day. That's the stuff of honeymoons surely. Going forward I think you have been lucky thus far only and might have to settle for what a normal person can provide only. Especially as you say he is otherwise lovely. If you can't 'settle' without making him feel inadequate though, move on.

Bluntness100 · 12/02/2019 10:32

It's just illogical. I mean who sees a new boyfriend every day as it is, never mind wanting to be shagging several times a day every day. Even if you're both unemployed, don't you have anything else you need to be doing? 🤣

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