Can I do anything about this sex issue?

[Sharkirasharkira]

Newish bf, absolutely lovely. Respectful, kind, generous, loads in common. Genuinely a brilliant guy.

But....

I seem to have a much higher sex drive than him and it's making me quite frustrated. I would prefer sex multiple times a day and I realise that this may be too much for a lot of people but I'm struggling with the lack of interest and intimacy probably more so than the actual sex. When we do have sex sometimes he will lose his erection or can't 'finish'. There could be a few reasons (by his own admission) for this: lack of fitness, medication, tiredness, work stress etc.

I'm quite insecure at the best of times and having my partner show little interest in being physical with me, whether by just touching, kissing, etc is painful and I can't help but feel like it's a reflection on me. I worry he doesn't like me as a sexual partner or isn't attracted to me. I realise this could be all in my head but I don't want to hurt his feelings by bringing it up! He will cuddle me and hold hands but isn't naturally tactile and I am. Is this too big an issue to overcome? Or am I just being an idiot?

Usually this sort of thing gets worse with time, not better.
At the end of the day, you're not compatible.

2 or 3 times a day?! How would you have time? What about work?! I don't think that level would be sustainable for 99.9% of people.

The lack of intimacy is perhaps more of an issue for you than the lack of sex?

He is probably thinking if he kisses and cuddles and strokes you , you’ll want sex.

All i’d say at some stage, maybe 10years, maybe 20 years you may well be happy with once a week. And im fairly confident you wouldn’t want a partner who was asking for it twice a day.

My honest answer to you is that you are not suited in the bedroom.

I think some people are just not that sexual, and some are. You are, and you would do better with someone else who is the same.

Your current partner may have lots of good qualities, but is lacking in a pretty big one. It’s not either of your faults, but is a compatibility issue.

I had a man who didn’t want sex, our sex life dried up completely, I took to covering myself around him and everything, didn’t want him seeing me naked anymore as clearly not interested, and broke up with him eventually.

Now I have one of those men who is just sexual. He would like sex every day. There is no way he would not look at me if I took my top off. He says he has sat and thought about how my ex could have been like he was.

I think some people are and some aren’t and most of us are somewhere in between or further along one end or the other.

You are where you are, and your current partner is where he is.

I’d chalk it up and move on xx sad as it is, it’s important and you need it and it’s natural and it probably can’t be turned off without consequence.

You’re not compatible and it will get worse not better with time. I would end an early relationship over this. Sexual incompatibility will leave you both miserable and resentful in the end.

2 or 3 times a day?! How would you have time?

1- On waking, before the alarm rings.
2 - After breakfast and shower
3 - Lunchtime
4 - On arriving home from work
5 - Evening
6 - Bedtime
7 - In the night.

In my dreams.

Hmm, see this is why I date men a decade younger than me - guys in their 30s and 40s can't keep up!

Fwiw I work full time, have 2 kids and manage to have sex twice a day most days. Morning and night innit!

OP I doubt this will improve over time, if anything it'll get worse. You're not sexually compatible unfortunately, best to own that and move on.

See, usually I have gone for younger guys, partly for this reason! Dp is an exception to this rule but he is so good in every other sense.

I don't think 2/3 times a day is crazily excessive, once in the morning and evening, maybe an extra on days off? But I don't even necessarily want or need that level every single day it's just in an ideal world that's what I'd like!

I'm not a sex pest who is constantly grabbing and pawing at him, I don't put pressure on him. If we have a kiss and cuddle sometimes I will make my desire to do more known but not every time, and if he doesn't want to then I always accept that and don't push him!

FWIW we do both work but live very close so see each other every day. No kids

I accept it could just be a personality thing, he is quite introverted which I think feeds into the being not naturally tactile. MH issues also mean he can feel a bit overwhelmed by human contact sometimes so I try to be understanding.

If he's got MH issues is he on medication? That can be terrible for the sex drive and ability to orgasm.

He's just sounding like a no goer to me

Yes he is, which I know can be a problem - he even admitted it himself that it might be affecting him but since I don't know what he was like before them it's hard to say.

I really do like him in every other aspect though and could see a possible future with him. I'd really like to try and improve things before I throw in the towel, I'm sure he has things he'd like me to work on!

He doesn't sound like a bad person at all, but he does sound totally unsuited to you. OP, don't let people guilt you about your sex drive or feel that you should tone it down or expect less - there will be tons of men out there who would love to meet a woman who wanted sex twice a day.

I also express love and intimacy through sex and feel really desired when my partner initiates, if I have one. If I'm single it's different although I do miss it, but being with someone who wasn't very physically tactile and sensual/demonstrative would do my head in. I really need to feel wanted sexually and I think some people are just like that. I say knock this one on the head and look for someone who is right for you.

My God, the poor guy must be under horrendous pressure from you if every time he comes near you, you make it clear you want more.

I think you need to have a serious think about how compatible you really are.

I also agree that this sounds like a porn problem. Believe me when I say that it doesn’t get better over time. By the end of my relationship with my ex, on the rare occasion we did have sex (about three times a year) he was unable to ejaculate at all.

I feel exhausted just reading your posts.

The only time I could ever possibly manage 2 times a day would be right in the initial stages of a relationship where the whole lust thing kicks in. After a short while I’d be back to wanting to get my pjs on and watch Netflix and go back to my usual 1-2 a week. (I’m 38 now and always been like that).

I think you sound sexually incompatible.

I also agree that this sounds like a porn problem.

Sounds to me more like he's knackered! I agree with pp, surely it's unsustainable. I mean, maybe for a bit at the start but it's perfectly normal for the sex side of things to calm down. I'd be more concerned about how the lack of sex makes you feel as what happens if he goes through a period of stress, or anything that means that he isn't up for it for a while...is that still going to make you feel like this?

I think 2 times a day is reasonable 😁 (first thing in the morning and at night) but realistically it’s not always possible.

Dump him.

I’m a total sexy pest to my husband. Constantly grabbing and pawing.

That’s it.

It's a difficult situation as you're incompatible in something that matters deeply to you. I've had partners that had a much lower sex drive and it ruined things because I felt undesired. I find that I need to feel wanted sexually to also feel loved. I feel a deep rejection which is probably just my own insecurity - but having a partner that makes this insecurity worse isn't going to do you any good.

My DP is pretty sexual and although we don't see each other every day, we usually have sex multiple times when we do see each other (only been together a year). We didn't have sex the last time we saw each other and I immediately felt disappointment and rejection (even though I didn't make it obvious I expected sex) - I think the issue lies with me and there's likely some fucked up explanation for it but maybe you're the same? Do you need the sex to feel attractive/wanted/needed etc rather than understanding that he loves you just for being you?

Really ....

You are not compatible on a fundamental issue

It's not going to get better

Go read reddit dead bedrooms to see your future

(Ps, relationships shouldn't involve 'fixing' things about people. Also leads to disappointment)