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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He admitted cheating - need a hand hold

47 replies

HRMumness · 11/02/2019 02:27

My husband of 8 years told me on NYE that he wasn’t happy. Things have been tough - 2DDs one with possible SN. No family support locally. We agreed to go to counselling and work on things although he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay in the relationship. He told me there was no one else.

We had our first counselling session tomorrow and he sat me down and told me had been cheating on me since not long after that chat. He didn’t even give us a chance. He was using work trips to cover it all up.

It was the script down to the letter. He made me feel like a paranoid crazy woman, rewrote our whole relationship, tore down everything I’d done as a SAHM.

All my family are on the other side of the world and I gave up my very good career to take care of our children so have no money of my own. I can’t stay here. He said I could take the children with me back home but now I’m dreading him forcing me to stay here with no support network. His family are in the same country as mine so all his family are there too.

I just need a hand hold as I’m not sure I can be strong right now. I feel like I can’t breathe.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 11/02/2019 02:35

Im so sorry that he doesnt want to give your marriage a chance. My exh did the same actually and it was devastating. We had no DCs. Men seem to just look elsewhere instead of trying to fix why they are not happy in marriages. I’d want to go home if I were you? Is that what you would want really? You’ll have to get legal advice. Have you good friends to support you?

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 11/02/2019 02:40

Do what is best for you, your marriage is over. Where do you want to be?

FredaNerkk · 11/02/2019 02:54

I'm really sorry to hear that. It's particularly awful when your family are in another country. Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 11/02/2019 03:41

Oh OP that is horrible. If you want to go home and he has said you can then go, and make a new life without him.

I'm so sorry, you are worth more than this. Can you get your career back with supoort?

Thanks
Original poster
HRMumness · 11/02/2019 04:43

I can get my career back with support but my head is in a really bad place. I just want to be with my family. His Mum has even said I can visit and stay with them if need be but know he is their son. My children are their only GC and they have been wonderful so don't want to poison their relationship on his actions. They adore their paternal GP so will be happy to visit them so they can maintain that relationship in the future.

I'm already willing to do the pick me dance but fear it is too late.

OP posts:
Original poster
HRMumness · 11/02/2019 04:49

I spoke to my brother's girlfriend who has sadly been through this all before. She advised taking the children's passports and getting him to sign something to agree with me taking the children now before he changes his mind. Have printed something out for him to sign in the morning. I barely think I can adult today. My gosh I feel destroyed. We have been together 12 years.

OP posts:
TheLittleDogLaughed · 11/02/2019 04:51

How devastating. I would definitely go home as you will need the support of yoir family. How old are your kids? Do you know how he met the other woman or who she is?

Original poster
HRMumness · 11/02/2019 06:43

6 and 4. Women is from work. I know who she is and was suspicious of their relationship. She was living with someone else from their office and reported to my DH. Apparently she had the decency to break up from him. He never did me the same favour.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 11/02/2019 06:48

Get the passports and ask him to help you go. Use his guilty feelings to your advantage.

Original poster
HRMumness · 11/02/2019 07:32

Got them at least. He has signed interim custody agreements. Already trying to make me out like I'm the unreasonable one for kicking him out. Told him that he will be paying for our flights back to where my family is. I have the credit card details at least.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 11/02/2019 07:40

Make sure you transfer half of any savings to your own account

crimsonlake · 11/02/2019 07:42

I am sorry this has happened. I agree if you want to go home you should go, once he has started getting over his guilt he may not behave so well so go quickly before he starts to change his mind.

ConfCall · 11/02/2019 08:20

OP on a practical level I'd try to see a solicitor before flying home, just to get the ball rolling and to ascertain your legal position re. emigrating to your home country with the DCs and so-called "leaving" the family home this week.

I've no idea of the legalities by the way - I'm not seeking to worry you - I just think that they need to be established.

Good luck.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 11/02/2019 09:19

Make sure you get a good financial package from him to support you with the kids x

Mummacake · 11/02/2019 09:36

Use his guilt to your advantage now. I know you are devastated but as pp say, get everything in writing 're your DC living atrangements and secure a really good financial settlement before he starts being difficult. This will happen quickly especially when he realises the financial costs of divorce and child maintenance. For now, child arrangements agreed & signed, tickets home & good legal advice. I'm so sorry you're going through this Flowers

LemonTT · 11/02/2019 09:43

I understand the urge to get away from him and the situation to be with family who support you. But I think as others have said you need to get a good handle on the practicalities before you book a flight.

It is beyond unlikely he is acting out of guilt. If he was he wouldn’t be sending his children away. He is thinking of himself. He wants to secure his finances and his new relationship. You get in the way of this. He probably thinks he can deal with the access issue in the future.

His main priority is to secure the family home. There are so many advantages to this financially and in fighting a divorce. His next is to secure his new relationship.

Not all divorce laws are equal. Child support isn’t enforceable across borders. Being in the comfort of your parents home will work for a while but not for too long.

As difficult as it is, try to think beyond hurt and anger. Stop responding to his behaviour and actions. Stop believing in him as a husband. Start thinking of what will work for your children, first and foremost, then you. That he isn’t doing this is obvious so don’t be led by the paradigm he is creating

Original poster
HRMumness · 11/02/2019 10:39

I've already asked to put the house on the market. Hopefully he will agree to that so it can be done before I go. I don't want to leave with the children without that sorted.

OP posts:
Original poster
HRMumness · 16/02/2019 06:34

He dangled a carrot about trying to fix things but it was just buying time. He came around to talk and just basically admitted that he doesn’t want to try. Just trying to get him to agree to sell the house and so I can have the children with me in Australia. He sort of agreed that they would have a better life there. I wouldn’t leave without his agreement on that or the financial proceeds of the house sale. He also said he is basically going to move into a relationship with this woman if we separate. He told me he had stopped things but that was obviously a lie. My Mum is flying over in a couple of weeks to help me out with the children.
I’m so heartbroken. I never wanted any of this for the children or me.

OP posts:
BernardoTeashop · 16/02/2019 06:47

A man who would let you take his children to Australia so that he can carry on with another woman is not worth your time or energy.
Im so sorry for you and your children. Take them back to Australia and make a new life for you all there and leave him to rot. Good luck x

ccgirr · 16/02/2019 06:55

I knew I needed to leave ex when abroad. You’ve got to play the long game. Get home get a job. It’s doable but really hard. Good luck x

MumsyJ · 16/02/2019 06:56

Oh OP, I do feel your pain Flowers. Glad your mum is coming over soon. Gosh that man has really mapped out his plan thinking all that glitters is gold.

Just keep being strong for the sake of your DC. Moving to Australia will do you all good. Good luck with everything x

LaughingCow99 · 16/02/2019 06:59

If he signs to say you can have the children in Australia, can he later contest this? I'd get as much knowledge as you can.

I agree, go home where you have family and support.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, you didn't deserve it, but you can and will build a happy life for yourself.

None of us know what curve ball life will throw at us. This has been a big one, but you will get through it. Take care.

Robin2323 · 16/02/2019 07:00

Does he really want to be with ow?
Just reading between the lines seems he's only going 'if' you separate - which you don't want to do ......

Maybe just let the dust settle.

I've seen men do a complete turn around when faced with the prospect of a 'real' life with ow.

Original poster
HRMumness · 16/02/2019 07:30

Robin2323: who knows! He has basically fallen for a version of me from when we met 12 years ago. Our careers were pretty level pegging until I gave up mine to look after the family. Even down to meeting at work.

He manages her at work and he maintains that he can’t work and live with someone. He wouldn’t leave that job even for me so not sure how it is going to work. I also think there is a massive conflict of interest between them as he promoted her more than once while she was working there.

OP posts:
User67836 · 16/02/2019 09:55

Firstly if you haven't already please to a gum clinic and get checked.

Like Lemon said "Stop believing in him as a husband. Start thinking of what will work for your children, first and foremost, then you" he hasn't got you or your children's best interest at heart, and has taken advantage of you being in a vulnerable position. He has lied and is probably still lying to you. Try to put aside the nice person/best friend/amazing man you married and zone in on his weakness, think about hows he's screwed ppl over in the past (if he has) and think what he might try to do to you and plan for it.

Have you talked to anyone in RL? If you family is abroad are there people near that are supporting you?

It's a long shot but would he give you bank statements for accounts you interested have access to? You need to play on his guilt and try to as much information as possible. Write everything thing down, if possible communicate in text or email so you have a record of it and he can't twist the past.

If you do move home he won't be doing any childcare, as someone else has said child maintenance isn't enforceable abroad so get the best settlement as possible. Have you taken any legal advice yet?

He hasn't played fair, you don't owe him anything.

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