He admitted cheating - need a hand hold

[HRMumness]

My husband of 8 years told me on NYE that he wasn’t happy. Things have been tough - 2DDs one with possible SN. No family support locally. We agreed to go to counselling and work on things although he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay in the relationship. He told me there was no one else.

We had our first counselling session tomorrow and he sat me down and told me had been cheating on me since not long after that chat. He didn’t even give us a chance. He was using work trips to cover it all up.

It was the script down to the letter. He made me feel like a paranoid crazy woman, rewrote our whole relationship, tore down everything I’d done as a SAHM.

All my family are on the other side of the world and I gave up my very good career to take care of our children so have no money of my own. I can’t stay here. He said I could take the children with me back home but now I’m dreading him forcing me to stay here with no support network. His family are in the same country as mine so all his family are there too.

I just need a hand hold as I’m not sure I can be strong right now. I feel like I can’t breathe.

You poor thing. What a total bastard he is. And I totally understand the fact that you want to do the pick me dance- but with time, you'll see it for what it is. You're holding tight onto him because he's slipping away, and if you could take a step back, you really would see who he is and that actually, maybe you don't want him. He has been completely fine with being separated from his children. He has made you feel shit about yourself. He has lied and lied and lied.
You deserve so, so much better.
Be kind to yourself

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You need to act fast because as you already know, his guilt is fading fast and you need to get away. I wouldn't worry too much about his parents because they will probably believe him when he rewrites history. It's a horrible situation and hard to imagine that you will ever be happy again. But you will and you deserve better than this weasel.

What sort of man chooses a new woman over his own children? He’s really allowing them to go and live in a country so far away?!
Whatever moves you want to make op, make them now. Eventually this idiotic decision will dawn on him. His exciting affair will become normal and he’ll no longer want to play ball where you’re concerned as he’ll realise what he’s losing.
I hope he does some serious suffering in the long term...jack ass.

Thank you for everyone for the advice. I feel like I am living my worst nightmare. I wrote him a big email stating how I would like things to work going forward and when I saw him to pick up the children, he was quite curt and said I can't respond to that now.

So scared of him lawyering up to block me from leaving the country. He works quite a demanding job including regular late nights and international travel. I'm not sure how he thinks he would manage to see them that much even if he did force me to stay here. I'm just hoping he wants to get us out of the way so he can go back to his important job and OW without us as a distraction. The girls had school meetings and shows this week and despite saying he was really missing them, he didn't ask about a single one.

Oh and I have lots of local friends nearby who have come out in force to look after me. It's been the one positive thing to come out of this.

I would get yourself to a solicitor asap. I really don't think his behaviour is based on guilt. It is selfishness. He wants to start a new life with this woman asap. For that he needs to extract himself and his share of assets from the marriage asap. She gave up a lot so she wants commitment now, not 2-5 years down the line.

Use that to get as good a deal as possible. Show yourself willing to dig in and filibuster any progress he can make to setting up home with mylady. Take control of any savings so that you can live off them. Get in your CMS claim. You have a lot more power than you think but use it wisely to get as much capital as possible. If you go back to Oz you may not get a penny more from him. Be blunt on that point with him.

Right now he is banking on your instinct to cut and run back to Oz, wanting a quick divorce and settlement.

It does sound a bit like a fantasy relationship.

A dose of reality really does cool down the romance somewhat.

When it's no longer new and shiny and forbidden fruit.

Well it just becomes a very selfish person who is not above carrying on with a married person for their own selfish ends.

And before anyone says it's all on the man it's takes a certain type of person to get involved with a married man with kids.

• a selfish one.

Well that's his future ( if he goes for it)
Could you let the dust settle abut.

Regardless - if you do split you will be entitled to settlement/ maintenance.

I even gave him that option in the end. He still didn’t want to take it. I almost burst down in the supermarket when I saw all the Mother’s Day cards. He always gets those for the children. Just realised I won’t even get that this year.

I am so sorry you're in this situation. What a bastard he is.

Are you still thinking you'll go back to Australia? I think most women in your position have found it better to get things agreed in these early days when the guy has some guilt - once he's actually living with the other woman then he might change his mind about what he wants.

At least his own family is in Australia, so it's not as though you're taking them away from everyone - he will just have to visit them more often.

Definitely want to go back to Oz. Just want to get away from the memories in the house and of our history all over where we are. He had them today and arrived 5 minutes before, returned 5 minutes prior to when they were due. Maybe he is going to block me after all if he is being like this. Thank god I have the solicitors on Tuesday.

The best bit was he sent me flowers for valentines, must have been organised beforehand. Then he ended up marriage the day after.

Our / up

💐come home, it will be 27 C today

Please remember you are the wife.
Hugs.
At the moment ow isn't making any demands. But she will.
Then he's back to square one for him.
Less his family- apart from fortnightly visit - and maybe even that. Less money and minus the person who supported him and bore his children.

I have seen this happen on more than one occasion.

Sounds like you have a supportive net work where you are.

Certainly stand your ground for your self and your children but take a moment to get your breath and just hold fast.

Give it a bit of time to see how the land lies.

Try and stay calm and grounded. This helps you to mentally stay focused and strong and able to deal with things.

No doing the pick me dance. Do the 180.

The 180

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Seek support from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her, /his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she/he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Sandy - he has already moved out and told me the marriage is over. It’s a bit late for the 180 sadly. When he told me he was unhappy I did try to work on the issues he had with us but he was cheating on me emotionally for at least a month before and then physically with the OW within less than a week of that conversation.

I just want to get things agreed so I can move on with my life.

In which case your focus is to return home to Oz now. I thought he was saying if you split he would move straight into a relationship with the OW... almost implying there was a chance to fix things.
He sounds a bit manipulative in that regard.

I think it's about practicalities now. How often does he intend to see the DC... child support etc

He has definitely been massively manipulative. He was gaslighting me and deflecting the blame on me for his unhappiness and how he couldn’t talk to me. I’ve got text messages showing how I had asked him multiple times if everything was ok.

I can’t return to Oz until I sell our house. I’ve set an interim arrangement for him seeing the children (two video calls and then a whole weekend day). He has no fixed address yet and our children are small so it’s not possible for him to even think about overnights yet.
He hasn’t said anything about what he wants in regards to the children / house.

Just popping in to say that I've been in your situation and returned to Australia after a decade away with a 1 and 3 year old.

It's hard and tiring, but gee we have a great life, lots of fun and great school etc.

Ex is still miserable as hell, sees kids once a year (totally his choice) and has stagnated.

I did things like sent my sister money, so she bought a car for me so I had one straight away, she also helped me get new Medicare card, license etc,

You will be ok, you just have to get through the next hard yards and then you will thrive. Xxxxx

Oh gosh, so it continues. He told me that he held off organising the mediators because he wanted to talk things out some more and I thought with a view to fixing things, so he sent me this massive email going all over our problems (really rubbing salt in the wound) and then he stayed after he had the kids. We talked for two hours and he still said I’m not sure about things. Then he admitted he had been in daily contact with the OW the whole time. I kicked him out at that point. I mean how could he give me and the kids that hope and then cruelly pull it away again.

Motherlondon - that gives me hope but it’s going to be a long road back home with all the things I need to tie up here before I can leave.

Thought I’d come back with an update.

I didn’t go back to Australia in the end. I was all set to go and then the house sale fell through. I had a massive change of heart and wanted to stick it out. I was worried if I left I could never afford to move back. I retained the right to relocate at a future date in our divorce.

I went back to work full time and bought him out of the house. The pandemic was hard and my ex offered very little support. He only sees them once a week after school and one night a week plus half of the holidays, sort of. He still doesn’t really make them a priority.

He’s still with the OW and they moved in together earlier this year. They got a dog together. My eldest refuses to talk to her and I hear she isn’t really around when they visit.

The kids are ok but it’s still really hard for them. I feel over what he did to me but what it did to them breaks my heart. I’ll never forgive him and he will never be my friend. We parallel parent.

I met someone at the end of the year. He’s a few years younger than me and my kids adore him. He helped loads during lockdown by doing shopping and helping with meals so I could concentrate on work and home schooling (he bubbled with us).

It’s not the future I imagined but we survived. Just wanted to give hope for anyone in a similar situation.